Digital Stalking: a guide to technology risks for victims — PDF guide by Jennifer Perry
Digital Stalking — website by Jennifer and Roland Perry
Internet safety and other cyber-stalking risks — The Hotline
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINES
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies (information in more than 80 languages)
USA 1800-999-SAFE = 1800- 999- 7233 (for TTY, phone 1800- 787- 3224)
Canadian National Violence Hotline = 1-800-363-9010
Australia 1800RESPECT (has on-line chat available) phone 1800- 737- 732
UK 0808-2000-247 = 0808- 2000- 247
New Zealand 0800 REFUGE = 0800- 733- 843
Shine 0508 744 633; Are You Ok Information Line 0800 456 450
SAFETY PLANNING and RISK ASSESSEMENT
Safety Planning — the National (USA) Domestic Violence Hotline’s tips for safety planning
MOSAIC Threat Assessment method is a Risk and Threat Assessment tool you can do online; and it’s free. Risk assessment is a vital ingredient in safety planning. The Mosaic method was developed by Gavin de Becker, author of the excellent book The Gift Of Fear. Mosaic helps the assessor weigh the present situation in light of expert opinion and research, and instantly compare the present situation to past cases where the outcomes are known.
SUICIDE PREVENTION – Mental Health First Aid guidelines for helping people who are feeling suicidal
Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit
Ensure that a victim’s words about her fears and previous violence will not disappear if she does.
A victim can make an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA) to document her experiences in ways that will help the legal system successfully prosecute in the future, even if she is disappeared, dead or in a coma.
The process combines video taping of the victim’s actual words attesting to the abuse, coupled with witnessed and notarized legal documents that successfully satisfy legal hurdles often faced in intimate partner violence and stalking cases.
A unique packaging of testimony + documentation + perpetrator historical profiling + pre-collected evidence delivered to established safe and legal persons = a delicate issue brilliantly wrapped up for successful prosecution.
USA Faith-Based Agencies working on Domestic Abuse (search by state)
Legal Help for residents of the USA
Apologies to readers who live in other countries. If you know links for other countries, please email us and we’ll add the links here.
Questioning your lawyer — by Janie McQueen
Jeff Crippen’s 21 sermon series on abuse
– scroll and look for the search box “sermons by sermon series”
then select the series “Domestic Violence and Abuse”
- Is There Anyone Who Isn’t a Trauma Survivor?
- Abuse Continues Long After Women Leave
- Expecting Magic From Abuser Programs
- Helping A Loved One Who Isn’t Ready to Leave
Lundy Bancroft & Jac Patrissi are co-authors of Should I Stay or Should I Go? – A Guide to knowing if your relationship can – and should – be saved. Some BONUS MATERIALS for this book are freely downloadable. They are designed to print out and give to your partner or ex-partner if he is showing signs of getting serious about working on his behavior and its underlying causes.
Barbara Roberts’ website Not Under Bondage where you can read reviews of her book and find many other resources and links
Audio CDs of the book Not Under Bondage are available for visually disabled survivors (to obtain, email firstname.lastname@example.org).
Summaries of Barbara’s teachings on divorce and remarriage:
The Bible DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse
Does 1 Cor 7:10-11 mean a victim of abuse can’t remarry?
All pastors and anyone who intends to give counsel to people who come to you asking for help with an abusive marriage, should read the following books (In addition to A Cry for Justice and Not Under Bondage, of course!). When you do so, you will find yourself becoming more and more able to recognize the mentality and tactics of the abuser and to know when you are talking to a victim of abuse. You will also have learned how to help the victim and how to avoid being duped by or enabling the abuser.
1. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. After A Cry for Justice (which calls your attention to the problem) turn to Bancroft. He is the best writer on this subject and this single book will take you far in your journey to wise up to the deceptions of abusers. Note: Bancroft’s books contains some vulgar language because he quotes abusers.
2. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. This is not as detailed as Bancroft, but it is an excellent introduction, focusing on verbal abuse. It includes a very good questionnaire tool to help the reader evaluate their own relationships.
2A. The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay of Go by Patricia Evans.
3. When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft. This is a kind of “part 2” after Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? It provides even more insight into abuse, focusing upon the effects on children whose mother is being abused, teaching her how she can help them. It also goes into some detail about tactics use by abusers in the court system.
4. Fool-Proofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. Building upon the Book of Proverbs in the Bible, Silvious teaches us that abusers (fools) are not your normal brand of sinner and cannot be handled with typical methods we might use for dealing with other people. Caveat: This author says abuse is not grounds for divorce. We disagree with that, but find other useful things in the book.
5. In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr George Simon, Jr. Simon understands the mentality of the sociopath. In this book, he deals with the covert abuse and its tactics. I love this guy!
6. Character Disturbance by George Simon, Jr. Building on In Sheep’s Clothing, Simon focuses now more upon the sociopath/psychopath – the person with no conscience. Many abusers fall into these categories. Any abuse victim reading this book is very likely to say “he is describing my situation!”
7. The Judas Syndrome also by George Simon Jr. This is just as good as the first two. Get it now! It will give you a real education and will be a huge encouragement to abuse victims. Has a more overtly Christian tone than the previous two books.
8. Without Conscience by Robert Hare. Robert Hare is a leader in the field of criminal and abnormal psychology. He has designed the most reliable tool used for testing for psychopaths. This is a must-read book.
9. Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion, by Barbara Roberts. Barbara, having come out of an abusive relationship herself, wasn’t getting any help from her fellow Christians. So she set out to find for herself what the Bible really says about divorce, specifically in relation to abuse. This book will help victims throw off the unbiblical traditions they have been in bondage to and get free from their abusers.
10. Released From Shame by Sandra D. Wilson. Shame is an wicked ally of abuse. Writing from a Christian perspective, Wilson teaches us about shame, about its causes, and how to be free from it.
11. Dead by Sunset by Ann Rule. Yes, this is a “true-crime” story, but I (Jeff) recommend every young woman read it, and also anyone who is seriously interested in seeing real-life abuse by a psychopathic man named Bradly Morris Cunningham who murdered his wife right here in my home state in 1986. Free of any restraints of conscience, Cunningham devastated the lives of intelligent, talented women and just about everyone else around him. His ability to deceive and manipulate was incredible. Read this book and grow wise!
12. The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. I found myself writing down quote after quote while reading this book. Stout introduces us to the reality that conscienceless people are far more numerous than we realize, and she helps us learn to recognize their mentality and tactics, and how we must deal with them.
13. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer is written for the average lay Christian.
His book Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible was written first; it covers the same material in more scholarly depth.
Instone-Brewer’s books are two of the very best books on the issue of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. We recommend his books be included in any Christian’s library of books on divorce and re-marriage. Have you ever wondered if wedding vows mean anything at all? Why do we seem to think that the contract/covenant of marriage is the only one in human society that the contractors can break as much as they want, yet the wronged party can do nothing about it? These books clear up questions like this and more.
Instone-Brewer’s divorce and remarriage website
YouTube Playmobile depictions of Instone-Brewer’s teaching on divorce and remarriage (the link takes you to the first message in the series)
14. So You are a Believer… Who has been through Divorce…: A Myth-Busting Biblical Perspective on Divorce by Joseph Pote. This is a wonderful book written by a man who has been through the fire, forced to search the Scriptures for himself regarding divorce for abuse.
15. He Loves Me Not? by Joanne Robinson – for Christian women preparing for dating and marriage relationships and those recovering from a break up or divorce.
16. Why Is He So Mean To Me? by Cindy Burrell – good for women who are just on the cusp of realizing they might be being abused
17. Would the Real Church PLEASE Stand Up? by Susan Greenfield – survivor account of fleeing from her abusive pastor husband
18. Behind the Hedge, by Waneta Dawn – a novel about domestic abuse, where the abuser scarcely shows any physical violence
19. Broken and Battered, by Muriel Canfield – the author tells the stories of two Christian survivors, one of whom was married to a pastor, the other to an extreme narcissist.
20. The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker – de Becker had a very traumatic childhood, including having his mother hold a gun to his head. He now runs a company that provides investigative risk management & protection for individuals who are in danger from nutters, stalkers, killers, etc.
21. To Be an Anchor in the Storm, by Susan Brewster – guidance for those who supporters victim-survivors. Strongly recommended by Lundy Bancroft.
22. Family and Friends’ Guide to Domestic Violence by Elaine Weiss
25. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
26. How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind, by Dr. John Van Epp is helpful for those entering new relationships. (recommended by Song, who is one of our readers.)
27. Facing Sexual Abuse in Marriage by D. Anne Pierce
28. Generous Justice, by Tim Keller. This book does not directly relate to domestics abuse, but some of the discussions about “justice” and “righteousness” in the Old Testament are very informative and convicting about how God calls us to be just. A lot of the parts about dealing with the poor and oppressed can also be applied to how we deal with the abused.
29. Love Isn’t Supposed To Hurt, by Christi Paul. Here is what one of our readers has said about this book: “When I started to realize that my marriage was abusive this was really helpful because she is a Christian woman and she describes the abuse she suffered at the hands of her first husband who was also an alcoholic. Just one caution though, I found myself saying things like, we’ll he doesn’t do that so maybe it’s not so bad for me etc., but she talks about how she left and what she did to leave and also spends a fair amount of time talking about some therapy that she went through to help heal herself of the verbal abuse she had suffered. I just remember her saying in there, I wasn’t created to be abused. No one is. So many lightbulb moments! “
30. But He Never Hit Me, by Dr. Jill Murray. This has been recommended by one of our readers, Sherry. You can read Sherry’s comment about the book here.
31. Dangerous Exits: Escaping Abusive Relationships in Rural America, by Walter S. DeKeseredy and Martin D. Schwartz. Here is Louise McOrmond Plummer’s review of this book, taken from the amazingly detailed collection of resources about Intimate Partner Sexual Violence at her site Aphrodite Wounded:–
“This excellent addition to the literature on violence to women looks at the physical, mental and sexual violence rural women may face when exiting dangerous relationships, after they have left them, or even post-divorce. People are very fond of leveling judgments at women who don’t “just leave” but this book is a timely reminder of the terrorism that serves to frighten women into remaining – and their fear of what may happen if they leave is, as this book shows, not groundless. I particularly appreciate the way DeKeseredy and Schwartz explore the danger of sexual assault when a woman “emotionally” separates from a partner – i.e. she does not have to even announce she is leaving; the man just senses she is growing distant and rapes her in order to reassert control and ownership. Highly recommended – most certainly for professionals concerned with the safety of women escaping abuse.”
32. What Doesn’t Kill Us: The New Psychology of Post traumatic Growth by Stephen Joseph
33. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse: Recognising and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen NOTE: One of our readers has advised of us of a caveat about this book.
34. Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce
35. Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy
36. When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships Karen McAndless-Davis & Jill Cory. Karen is a Christian but the site is written for non-Christians as it aims to be of assistance to all women. Lundy Bancroft and Jackson Katz endorse the book.
37. My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas. Read a recommendation of this book here.
Other Resources —
multimedia, articles, websites, training materials, handouts & flyers
Family Violence Hurts Kids Too – information for parents who are in abusive relationships but think I can put up with it; it’s not hurting the kids, it’s only hurting me.
Protective Mothers Alliance (for mothers who fighting legal battles to protect their children from an abuser)
Bursting the Bubble – a site for teenagers and young people about domestic abuse [not a Christian site]
Teen Dating: The Facts – from Someone Worth Accepting Now.
Someone Worth Accepting Now – a Christian ministry and shelter in Arizona that assists victims of domestic abuse.
So it’s Abuse – What now? – gives excellent suggestions for those who are living with an abusive spouse and thinking about whether and how to leave. The site is written by a non-Christian, so replace the notion of ‘karma’ (only mentioned once on the site) with the biblical concept of reaping what you sow. The author is an Australian, so not all info may apply to those from other countries.
Journal of the Evangelical Theological Society. Article by Joe Sprinkle, Professor of OT, Old Testament Perspectives on Divorce and Remarriage. Sprinkle gives a very similar argument for divorce, including for abuse, as Instone-Brewer. VERY good article.
Relationship Red Flags – from LoserRx
Danni Moss’s articles on Abuse in the Christian Home Danni, a survivor who has now passed away, was a trailblazer in this work.
Through the Eyes of a Battered Woman – a moving audio visual by a survivor
The Duluth Model — Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (DAIP). Innovative community-wide interventions to end violence against women and help men who batter change. These interventions are known as the pioneering “Duluth Model” and have been recognized nationally and internationally as the leading tool for helping communities eliminate violence in the lives of women and children.
Power and Control Wheels — developed by the Duluth Model .
The F Word: Forgiveness and its Imitations – interview with David Augsburger, author of Caring Enough to Confront and Freedom of Forgiveness
Forgiveness – a PDF sermon by Bob Kerry explaining what forgiveness is and what it is not (similar teaching on the doctrine of forgiveness can be found in Steven Tracy’s book, Mending the Soul ).
Checklist for Repentance – to help you discern genuine repentance from phoney repentance
Are You Walking on Eggshells? – flyer to help women understand what they are suffering, and encourage them to disclose
Why Didn’t You Leave? – explaining the reasons why women stay, by Barbara Roberts
Unhelpful Comments by Well-Meaning People – and how to respond to them – a coaching clinic for survivors by Barb Roberts
Still Married in the Sight of God? – how this notion has affected the Christian church, by Barbara Roberts
Domestic Abuse Training for Busy Pastors compiled by Barbara Roberts
Resources from Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter – we specially recommend their booklets Honoring Resistance, and Choosing to Change
Articles from Focus Ministries – there are quite a few, including ‘Charmers and Con Artists’
What’s the Difference Between Normal Marital Conflict and Abuse? – by Jeff Olson
The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages – by Amy Wildman White. This article deals with Emotional Abuse. Go to Safe Place Ministries and look under the heading Domestic Abuse
Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship – by Kellie Holly
Domestic Violence in Popular Culture – 7 part video series by Lundy Bancroft (the link goes to Part 1)
A Biblical Response to the Abused Wife – by Renee M. Malina. A research paper submitted to Dr. Steven Tracy, Phoenix Seminary, 2010. A brief quote from this paper:
Being pro‑life goes beyond opposing abortion to taking a stand against everything that opposes life. Similar to the outrage expressed by the Old Testament prophets, the church must become indignant over abuse within Christian marriages. The church must take action to “deliver those who are being taken away to death, and those who are staggering to slaughter” (Proverbs 24:11).
Resistance to Violence: A Key Symptom of Chronic Mental Wellness – by Martine Renoux & Allan Wade (secular therapists)
The article by Renoux and Wade is discussed at Barb’s notunderbondage blog.
Hurt By Love Cindy Burrell’s website
Understanding the Difference between Compliance and Change by Cindy Burrell
Forgiveness with Boundaries by Joe Pote
Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources by Jeff VanVonderen and his colleagues
Spiritual abuse and the book of Galatians
By Barbara Orlowski
ChurchExiters.com is a website devoted to unmasking spiritual abuse, maintained by Barb Orlowski and her team.
Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Dynamic Research on Finding a Place of Wholeness, by Barb Orlowski. You can also find Barb at www.AbuseResourceNetwork.com
Articles by Carmen Bryant:
Command or Curse: Genesis 3:16 in the Light of Abuse
The Proverbs 31 Woman – Fact or Fiction?
Vicarious Traumatization – may be useful for those who are supporting victims of abuse
What Men Can Do – information about how men can respond to and prevent men’s violence against women.
Post-Traumatic Growth – radio interview with Professor Stephen Joseph. Trauma can shape our lives forever and for some of us trauma can be a burden we just can’t shake. But Stephen Joseph believes adversity and trauma can be powerful opportunities for growth.
Coping With Trauma – self-help pdfs – from the Centre for Trauma, Resilience and Growth, Nottinghamshire UK (which Stephen Joseph, above, is involved in)
Index of posts on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – by Cindy Kunsman, from Under Much Grace
Modesty: I don’t think it means what you think it means — by Rachel Held Evans
Australian Christian Churches (formerly the AOG) 2007 policy on divorce — allows divorce for proven physical abuse
Screening questions for intimate partner sexual abuse – Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs
Pandora’s Project – Free Lending Library and Resources – for survivors of rape and sexual assault. USA and Australia. You can borrow Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion by Barbara Roberts from here, at no charge.
Aphrodite Wounded secular support for survivors of intimate partner sexual assault, and their supporters. Heaps of material, including this gem:
Partner rape is real rape.
It may happen once or many times.
It may involve coercive pressure or battery and torture.
It happens in very violent relationships, or in those that are otherwise respectful.
Women are raped by men they love.
How to Spot a Liar (from Online Psychology Degree)