What a Pastor Should Not Say to an Abuse Victim — an example from Lou Priolo (advice for pastors Part 4, by Ps Jeff Crippen)
I picked up a Puritan and Reformed Publishing booklet yesterday at the Christian bookstore which is entitled Divorce. It is written by a rather popular Christian author named Lou Priolo who is the director of the Center for Biblical Counseling at Eastwood Presbyterian Church in Montgomery, Alabama. He is a nouthetic counselor, having been a fellow of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors for 20 years. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I do not like nouthetic counseling, particularly when it is applied to abuse situations. It is far too “black and white” in its pronouncement that sin is always the root of anyone’s problem (I mean, “their” sin, such as the “sin” of the abuse victim) and that any Christian with Bible in hand is competent to counsel. Not!
If an abuse victim picked up Divorce, she/he would be launched into a sea of false guilt. Priolo begins by listing the consequences of an unbiblical divorce. He uses that adjective unbiblical consistently and one initially thinks that yes, he is correct. Unbiblical divorce is a sin and has negative consequences. The problem is that he never addresses abuse as a grounds for divorce and in fact makes numbers of statements which will lead the reader to conclude that an abuse victim is required by God to remain in an abusive marriage. Here are the consequences he opens with:
- You will be confirming to all your brothers and sisters in Christ that you have a hard heart.
- You will bring shame to the name of Christ by your divorce.
- You will be subject to God’s discipline.
- You will multiply your misery by the guilt and bitterness you will inevitably experience.
- You will cause much hurt and potential harm to others.
Now, yes, sinful rebellious violation of one’s marriage covenant does have these very results. The problem is however that Priolo does not clearly identify the abuser as the one who is guilty of these things. Rather, he is pointing to the spouse who is contemplating the action of divorce. Filing the paperwork in other words. He says:
“But you are making me out to be the bad guy and my spouse to be the good guy.” No one (he continues) is the good guy in marriage, for we are all sinners. You got married knowing that your spouse was a sinner. You promised to stay married in spite of his or her frailties…. Suffice it to say that divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. It will continue to bring misery both to you and to those you profess to love for years and perhaps generations to come.” (Jeff doing deep breathing here to keep blood pressure down)
Priolo then goes on (after guilt-tripping the abuse victim massively even further) to examine common “excuses” for not staying in a marriage. Here are just a couple of them, and they are really hard to stomach. Actually, what is hard to stomach is Priolo’s take on them:
- “That man has killed all the love I ever had for him.” Priolo responds, “If you are telling me that you no longer love your spouse, you are seriously breaking the second greatest commandment, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Your husband is your closest neighbor. You share your life, your children, your home, your table, even your bed and body. Indeed, you are ‘one flesh’ with him.”
- “It is not good for the children to have to live in a home with so much conflict, hatred, and disharmony.” Priolo’s response? “No, it isn’t good. But comparing the harm of living with parents who are seriously at odds to the harm of breaking their family apart is, generally speaking, like comparing catching a cold to getting double pneumonia. The effects of one are far less severe than the effects of others.”
- “He has lied to me repeatedly. I will never be able to trust him again.” Priolo’s in-your-face response? “Where is it written that you must trust your spouse to stay married to him? Besides, since your husband has asked your forgiveness, it is your responsibility to forgive him for lying. It is his responsibility to earn back the trust that he has lost as a result of his deception.” In other words, Priolo is saying that you must forgive him BEFORE he shows the fruit of true repentance. Wrong!
It would take an entire book to refute the errors of this booklet. It is hard to imagine another such book I have read that more perfectly exemplifies all the things that are wrong in the evangelical church when it comes to dealing with abusers and abuse victims in its midst. If any pastor desires to learn what NOT to say or do when an abuse victim comes to him, I think Priolo’s work would be the place to go. Is that being to harsh on Mr. Priolo? I think not. Because as is so typical of nouthetic counselors, may God have mercy on the abuse victim who goes to such a counselor, because that counselor certainly will show them none. And if that sounds too harsh, let me close with one more of Priolo’s gems:
“Chances are that the difficulties you are going through that are tempting you to throw in the towel on your marriage are not nearly as intolerable as you have imagined. ‘You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin’ (Heb 12:4). Your selfish discontentment is exaggerating your troubles in your mind. The truth is, if you proceed with an unbiblical divorce, you will be the one putting the knife through the heart of God and yet another nail in the hand of your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”
And so I ask, who is being harsh here? Priolo’s message to victims of this horrid evil of abuse is (my summary) – “Quit your whining and toughen up! Has he shot you or stabbed you yet? You just think you can’t take anymore! Now go home and honor Jesus!”
No, Mr. Priolo. You go home. Put your pen down and take heed to our Lord’s words:
Matthew 12:7 And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.