A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Radio interview of domestic abuse perpetrators

Update 1 Jan 2018:  This radio interview is no longer online 

In this BBC radio program, “The Abusers Tale”, Victoria Derbyshire interviews four perpetrators of domestic abuse, and a couple of victims. Each of the men has attended a domestic violence perpetrator program.

Trigger warning: contains strong language, descriptions of physical violence, sexual abuse and statements indicative of an entitlement mentality.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03c2s78/Victoria_Derbyshire_The_Abusers_Tale/

The core of the interview begins about six minutes into the program.

Note: One of the abusers in describing his assault of his wife says “I lost control of my emotions.”  From what we have learned about abusers from experts like Lundy Bancroft, George Simon Jr, and No To Violence, the “I lost it” explanation can function as an excuse if the abuser is not acknowledging that he chose to act that way at that time to that person.

12 Comments

  1. Brenda R

    “I lost control of my emotions.” What kind of “emotion” does it take to beat on someone who you claim to love? Why is it so difficult to walk out of the room? go to the gym? hit a pillow? “I saw it in my wife’s face.” He didn’t see fear, disappointment, pain–he saw the black eye. He didn’t see what was behind the black eye.

    I was glad to hear there was a program that was working, to an extent, for those who were willing to stick it out. The 50% drop out rate wasn’t promising. Then even more that went right back to their bad behavior or never left it. The statistics aren’t good. But here in the States, I was told years ago that less than 1% that seek treatment actually don’t assault again. One of the men even went back when he thought there may be a potential problem and stopped it before it started again. He took responsibility and was not going to allow it again. There are few of those. Their wives are brave women to remain with them.

    The part of the program that was really good from my perspective was the evaluation of the men and their wives being made aware of safety risks. It is a good and wise thing not to send women and their children back to potential doom.

    I had contact with X this weekend or should I say, “Hello, my name is Brenda and I fell into another trap”. It was mostly same stuff, different day with a couple of more ridiculous accusations added which started with emails that he had no idea I would get. It has only been 4 months and he has already moved on, or should I say backwards with his X that in the 20+ years I have known him hasn’t had one good word to say about. I should be glad, better her than me, but instead I have allowed it to cause me to feel sorry for myself. I am alone, he apparently isn’t, and one day the cat lady will be found once the apartment smells so bad that someone will finally call the police to see what is wrong. Woe is me!

    Barb, thank you for reminding me of the “No contact” rule. I am reminding myself today that I was more alone when I was with X. I couldn’t or didn’t talk to anyone about it then. Now I can let it out and move on.

    • fiftyandfree

      “I should be glad, better her than me, but instead I have allowed it to cause me to feel sorry for myself. I am alone, he apparently isn’t,”

      Thanks for admitting that you feel this way. I feel the same way now that the anti-husband is with someone and talking about marriage. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I never thought he’d go after someone else so soon; using the same modus operandi (internet ad, lying about being a Christian), and I never thought I’d feel lonely and sad when he did. She can have him, I don’t want him, but it sucks that a jerk like him can have someone, and I sit home lonely.

      • Brenda R

        I think that is really it Fifty. It has only been 4 months since we separated and most of it spent trying to keep my sanity while he fought me through the legal stuff. I didn’t feel a bit lonely until this happened. I was quite happy being on my own. I am in no way ready to even date much less have a man around on a regular basis. But the idea of him being able to move backwards to a woman he hated for 20+ years so quickly is just creepy. The thought of him complaining and making up lies to her about me is creepier. It is sinking in just how warped the whole thing is. My daughter said, “Good now he’ll leave you alone. But you know if you went back he’d drop her in a minute and that may be his plan.” Not working. I still don’t want him.

  2. As I See It Only

    In a rare moment of self-revelation, my abuser said that he felt ‘dead inside’ and that he did not think that he was like other people. He knew that he had to study others in order to understand how emotions worked and learn the correct emotional responses, which he mimicked. Unfortunately, he refused to go deeper and get any help. Was this part of the con, or was it diagnostic? I do not know. It did explain the millisecond delays in appropriate social and emotional responses.

    • Brenda R

      That is a good question, AISIO. In places like Rumania where babies may be kept in orphanages for the first few years of life without being held and nurtured they do not learn loving emotions. I have heard of people adopting from there and having major problems because the children cannot bond. Babies need that warmth and care right away and ongoing. I don’t know how your abuser was raised, but I suppose it is possible.

  3. AJ

    I dont think this works in north America Barbara. Did anyone else get it to work?

    • Brenda R

      It worked for me in the Michigan,USA, but I think it cut off before the end.

      • Yes Brenda, it cut off just before the end for me too, but the interview was almost concluded I think before it cut off.

    • Someone in Australia told me they found it would not load from their smart phone. But I have been able to load it with my Macbook Pro laptop. So I don’t understand what the problem is, but I thinki it’s something to do with the BBC, not with the way I set up the link. Grmph!

  4. Bridget

    This is the message I got on my iphone in the US when I try to watch. Haven’t tried the Mac or PC yet.

    “We do not currently support BBC iPlayer outside the United Kingdom.”

    • Brenda R

      I got it on my HP laptop.

      • AJ

        Thanks guys, laptop works fine, phone not at all.

        Disturbing but very insightful!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: