A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Playing Stupid to Obtain Advantage: a Story of Financial Abuse

by ANewFreeLife

When I was working at a local hospital I was often given additional duties outside of my job description and frequently felt overwhelmed.  A co-worker watched me running from station to station and said, “You need to learn to play stupid.  It gets you out of a lot.”

On Heaven Connect, writer SJ Heald addresses overstepping authority in spiritual warfare.  One of her points is that we should never think we are smarter than a demon.  She notes that Law 21 in The 48 Laws Of Power, a book by Robert Greene, states, “Play a sucker to catch a sucker, seem dumber than your mark.”  She assesses, “Con artists take people in by pretending to be less intelligent than the person they are conning…….Demons will act like imbeciles if it causes us to get puffed up in the head thinking we’re intelligent and powerful.”

While I certainly didn’t feel powerful AT ALL in my marriage, at first I did feel intelligent and needed.

My ex husband does have a poor vocabulary, misuses grammar, and possesses about a third grade reading level.  But, I was mistaken to think he is a dummy.

I was a devout church-goer when I met R, and he knew that.  He claimed to be a new believer, unable to read well and without a solid Christian within his circle of association.  He needed me to help him understand these scriptures that were so foreign to him.  He claimed his desire was great; he wanted to know Jesus, but his lack of education felt like an insurmountable barrier.  (He didn’t use that word.)

I’m not sure if I was so desperate for love or if he was feeding my pride, but I disregarded evident facts and ran, just as I did at work, to be the one who would stand in the declared gap.  I noticed the Bible on his end table but ignored the paintings of demons on his walls.  I brushed off the fact that one of his co-workers was a youth pastor and more qualified than I to expound scripture and teach the mysteries of the gospels.  I reasoned that he simply didn’t realize yet those paintings were offensive to God.  It was all new to him.  Perhaps he was too embarrassed by his poor language skills to ask another man, someone working under him, to explain things he thought should be obvious.

After we married he asked me to take care of the bills and balancing the checkbook.  It was a struggle for him.  It was confusing and stressful.  However, the situation that created was one of complete irresponsibility on his part.  He would play the ATM like a slot machine.  Eyes glazed, he would return to pull the lever, waiting for the money to drop out.  All the while I couldn’t keep the bills paid.  He routinely took out large sums and would feign ignorance.  He had called the 1-800 number first or had checked the balance at the ATM before withdrawing, and he pretended to not comprehend those balances didn’t reflect pending actions or checks that had not yet cleared.  The fact that he kept cutting his hours back, thereby cutting his paychecks, and he was horribly in debt, the amount of which he had lied about during our short engagement, did not deter his visits to the money machine.  I increased my workload.  I cut back on everything, including groceries.  Nothing helped.  When I finally tried to seriously talk to him about his spending, he blew up, screaming in my face, “I was making it before you came along!  If we’re not making it, it’s your fault!  You’re the one handling the money!”

Since marrying me, he’d cut back to working part-time; he’d bought a new truck; he was wearing new clothes; and I was paying down the debt he and his last wife had incurred.  Since marrying him, I was working so many hours my performance decreased and my professional reputation suffered; my car was falling apart (I eventually lost it); my children and I were dressing poorly and lacked adequate clothes for winter; I was deeply in debt though I’d been debt free when I met him; and I was borrowing against my life insurance policy.

He knew exactly what he was doing.  He was no dummy!  I’d been conned by the 21st law of power!

He didn’t perform household or vehicular maintenance.  He didn’t know how, and he didn’t read well enough to figure out a manual.  All burdens of all responsibility were placed on me because, in his words, he, “just isn’t a very smart man.”  That also meant I was to blame for everything that went wrong because he thought I was taking care of it and he depended on me.

Interestingly, when he abruptly left our home in a rage, abandoning me sick and now a stay at home mom with four minor children, he took all of the account numbers and passwords, our social security numbers, and a nice little private bank account I didn’t know about until after he left.  Suddenly this “stupid man” who couldn’t even use a phone book was hacking into my accounts!  He filed taxes on his own, claiming head of household with the children as his dependents for the final year we were married.  He stole mail, including a check, depositing it via the ATM without signing it, which created a legal loophole and made it difficult to retrieve the stolen funds.  He was always one step ahead of me.  He, the man with a third grade reading level, walked out of our marriage with nearly every tangible item we owned and zero debt.  I’d lost everything except the debt.

I’d been conned.

During the divorce proceeding, I testified dates, times, and places of abuse.  My children testified separately, corroborating my story of patriarchal terrorism.  But, R played stupid.  He stuttered.  He didn’t know what we were talking about.  He was confused by all of it.  No one could have believed that this stunned, ignorant man could be so willfully vindictive and violent.  And, the judge didn’t.  The poor dumb man received compassion and mercy from the bench, and his victims received demands to negotiate and “get over it.”

My co-worker’s words haunt me, “You need to learn to play stupid.  It gets you out of a lot.”  My ex had played stupid; he played me; and it got him out of everything.

35 Comments

  1. Still Reforming

    I’m living this now – and for a long time gave the benefit of the doubt to his lack of education – and yet he certainly knows enough to learn and play people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people in the church excuse him (and some of our church leaders) with the sentence, “Maybe he’s just stupid. You can forgive stupid.” That’s dangerously naive, especially given the information (and some experience) these people have. I’m grateful for this post – because even though now I don’t need to “play stupid,” I for some time have learned to play silent. Information in the hands of an abuser is dangerous to those abused.

    A bit off-topic perhaps, but I was thinking this morning how Abigail in Scripture was married to an abusive husband (Nabal, which means “fool”) and she went against his desires by seeking out the Lord’s anointed (David) to warn him of impending danger. So it’s not unScriptural to go against an abusive spouse. In fact, the Lord greatly rewarded Abigail for her courage and faithfulness on the side of justice and righteousness.

    “Then David said to Abigail: “Blessed is the Lord God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed is your advice and blessed are you, because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed and from avenging myself with my own hand. For indeed, as the Lord God of Israel lives, who has kept me back from hurting you, unless you had hastened and come to meet me, surely by morning light no males would have been left to Nabal!” So David received from her hand what she had brought him, and said to her, “Go up in peace to your house. See, I have heeded your voice and respected your person.”” – 1 Samuel 25:32-35

    Interestingly, in researching this story on-line, the first website where I found the Scripture condemned Abigail because she “did all this without her husbands counsel or approval,” she “openly and severely criticized her husband to David,” and “Abigail was not outstandingly submissive or respectful to her husband.” Apparently there are a lot of Nabals still out there.

    • healingInHim

      … the Lord greatly rewarded Abigail for her courage and faithfulness on the side of justice and righteousness.

      My desire to live this way has tagged me as being intolerant by so many … As I reflect, so much of the heartache comes from the fact that the lack of strong leadership from the pulpits only encourages sin … so that’s the name of the game, “LET’S JUST FEIGN STUPIDITY” … and the winner is??

      • Still Reforming

        healingInHim, No one. The answer is no one. Except the abuser. As Jeff C has wisely noted here on this website, when people who are aware decide to not take a side, they are in fact taking the side of the abuser. There is no neutrality here.

      • annette621

        Me too, I’m the mean one now, intolerant and mean! So he says, I love my boundaries. Thanks God for his peace and strength. 🙂

    • healingInHim

      Still Reforming – on another thread another commenter also alluded to the fact that when others attempt to remain neutral then they are actually siding with the abuser. So how does someone like me help adult children, in-laws and extended family and friends come to terms with that? I’m tired of hearing, “We don’t want to judge. We love both of you.” Huh, they’ve been aware of the abuse ??? This is why for years I have thought I must be really off in my reading of the Gospel.
      I’ll answer my own question … nothing I can do. Only God can soften the stony hearts and cause the blind to see.

      • poohbear

        Or they reply, “I’m not getting in the middle of this.” That, after they send you text messages like “Dad doesn’t own you” and other things to almost encourage you to open up about what’s going on. Sometimes I think, I never learn…

      • Still Reforming

        healingInHim, it’s not at all your being off in reading the Gospel. As I see it, it’s their caring too little about God’s Word to actually study it, as Scripture tells us to do. Study to show ourselves approved. Be diligent in study of the Word. It’s part of why I started researching forgiveness long before my current trials came to fruition. And when I did, the pastor who told me to seek Jesus to grant me forgiveness to extend to another, and I explained how I had already been looking into forgiveness to truly know if I’d forgiven my abuser, and the pastor said, “You think too much.” What the what? I think too much because I want to be sure I understand forgiving and am truly doing so?

        Seriously, people who chide us and tell us these kinds of things, like they don’t want to judge anyone are just plain wrong. For crying out loud there’s a book in the Bible titled “Judges.” If we aren’t to judge as a society then criminals can all go free. We’re not judging their souls; Of course we know only God does that. Give me a break. It’s their actions and words that we should in fact judge. Otherwise church discipline has no place and no meaning. Sheesh. I can’t stand it when Scripture verses are tossed around recklessly to justify Spiritual laziness.

        They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! – 2 Timothy 3:4-5 (NLT)

    • anotheranon

      Last year my husband tried to buy some property behind my back to the tune of $350,000. (We are already soooo far in debt we’ll never get out, although we do have some net worth). I found out what he was doing and canceled the deal before it really got started, thank goodness. When I could think straight again I immediately thought of Abigail and Nabal. I’m convinced I saved our livelihood from bankruptcy. My husband acted in a way that endangered everything we own. Abigail was heroine, not a rebellious woman.
      I will never trust my husband again. Much of my time is spent wondering what he’s going to pull next and trying to safeguard myself. He is so deceitful. I have always handled the money so at least I know where we stand, but he’s always trying to buy something on a whim.

  2. A Bruised Reed

    Oh my goodness. When i read the title of this post, I knew it was going to hit home. My husband plays the dummy., however,he handled all the money. He ran our credit in to the ground having to declare bankruptcy and face forclosure of our home. When I told him our financial troubles were his fault because he handled all the money, he acted like he
    didn’t know how or why it happened. I told him I used to get along fine handling money
    on my own. He said he used to be able to do it also and didn’t know what happened. He likes
    to play dummy in general all the time. He has everyone fooled. And he had me fooled until right before I moved out. He would say things like I’m not that smart. Finally one day I said to him you are dumb like a fox. Once i saw through him, i could not believe i falled for.his dummy routine for so long. Sick, really. And evil. Deceptively evil.

  3. Seeing Clearly

    After reading a little way into your story, I was reminded of the phrase, “The trouble with you is that you are TOO nice”. Abusers tune in quickly to very nice people. In fact, they prey on them.

    I hope you are able to give yourself a lot of grace and mercy when you recall situations of financial abuse. Please don’t second guess yourself about the past. Call it what it was; financial abuse and brainwashing on a daily basis. You are very smart to have finally gotten yourself and your children out of that prison. I’m certain there is a lot of confusion that you want to make sense of. This part of healing is a slow process, possibly because there are so many tiny pieces and we have a built in protection for buffering the amount of info we can process at one time.

    Please be gentle with yourself and thank you for sharing.

    • Anonymous

      Yes–being too nice. But who in the church would tell us this? They COUNT on some people being too nice who are also willing to work themselves into the ground in order to keep the church looking like it’s EVERYONE who is contributing instead of just a few of the abused few.

      As you stated SC, it’s a long slow process but God willing this woman and her children will learn from it and not allow it in their lives again. By the way, her ex used the “pity play” to get her to do everything for him–classic sign of a sociopath.

  4. Sunflower

    So often I’ve thought, “How can he be so ‘not very bright’ in so many areas, and yet when caught red-handed, the excuses just come vomiting out of his mouth as if he’d rehearsed them for weeks. And the excuses are brilliant!! When someone gets on my case about something I usually am stunned and think of all the right things to say the next day when it’s too late. And I’m usually considered sharp in the thinking department. This is something more sinister than just brain power.
    A well known counselor says that the best predictor of divorce is if one spouse speaks to the other with contempt. A few weeks ago I had asked a simple question and was immediately covered with contempt. I walked away and have been detached since then, not responding much to anything. Of course he needs me engaged and this is not ok on his agenda. So yesterday he said, “You are very observant. What do you think will help me?” (I know……flattery, false humility, etc. ) My reply was, “Why do you think ‘M’ has not quit drinking? Because she doesn’t want to badly enough to do what it takes.” And each time he does this, he somehow manages to weave in between all his pretending humility and supposed new determination to change, how it’s really partly my fault.
    ‘A Bruised Reed’, I agree. Sick, really. And evil. Deceptively evil. I’m glad my BS meter is working better these days, it sure helps. Wish I could install one into my daughters.

  5. poohbear

    Oh my…how tricky they are! I met mine when I was 19. He was a poor gas station attendant, living with his mom. We made the mistake of marrying, and I soon realized I ought not to have ignored all the red flags of his covetousness for things we couldn’t afford. “I never had anything nice as a child…” he would say. (Well, neither did I, but one can’t have champagne taste on a beer bottle budget.)

    I handled the money at first. He racked up so much credit card debt, we had to use our gas card to buy a roll of toilet paper and a couple things to eat at the gas station/convenience store. Checks for groceries bounced. We could barely make the minimum payments on our credit cards.

    One night he started crying and said it was all the banks’ fault for making it so easy to get overwhelmed by debt. He was working, I’ll credit him that, but he started complaining that he was getting “burned out.” He wanted to declare bankruptcy.

    I felt it was very un-Christlike to shirk one’s responsibilities and said no. We had a baby and a toddler at home, but I went back to work full time. We would fix this, I said. And work, I did. I had 5 jobs at one point. We cut up the cards. Every month, I would pay as much as I could on the highest interest ones. I wanted to get out of debt so badly.

    Turns out, in my eagerness I was paying out more on the loans/cards than we could afford, and we would often wind up short at the end of the month. He so kindly offered to take over the finances. I thought he was stepping up to the plate, and gratefully accepted his offer.

    Fast forward 20-something years later, and I have now nothing but my modest income, and not even that, as it goes into our joint checking account. I tried once to have a few dollars ($15-20 a week) put into a small account of my own, but of course he does the taxes and found out and went into a rage. He has a couple hundred thousand stashed away in one place I can’t touch. He handles EVERYTHING now, and is able to buy anything he chooses without my ever knowing. However, he knows of every little purchase I make, by insisting I use our joint credit card, so he “can keep track of our finances,” he says. A $1 cup of coffee at McDonald’s? “Use the card!” he says. I make my coffee at home now.

    So, the poor man with only the 8th grade education, turned out to be a financial genius who will be sitting pretty if I dare ever try to take him to divorce court and only want enough of our joint assets to live in an elderly apartment someday. It would take a Sherlock Holmes of a lawyer (not the sort I can afford) to even prove he has anything to try to go after.

    Who’s the dummy now… 😦

    • Still Reforming

      Someone told me this tip and I don’t know if you can use it, but if you had a debit card (I don’t), you can charge, say, $50 worth of gas on the card, but only fill up your tank with $20 worth, then go inside and get the difference ($30) in cash.

    • pb — (((hugs)))

      • poohbear

        Thank you, ladies. I was thinking of maybe buying grocery gift cards with a credit card in “odd” increments here and there, and stashing them. Walmart doesn’t allow gift cards to be bought with credit cards, but some other stores do. 🙂

      • I was thinking of maybe buying grocery gift cards with a credit card in “odd” increments here and there, and stashing them.

        What a creative idea!

  6. Ellie

    X didn’t necessarily do this with finances. He is a genius. A bonafide real life MENSA level genius. I was awed by his intellect. However, anything he didn’t want to fool with was mysterious to him. He couldn’t get some electronic device to work and he’d scream at me about it and order me to make it do what he wanted. The last time he actually hit me was when his computer was making a mystery noise in the middle of the night and I couldn’t make it stop while feeding a baby and being screamed at.

    I was often bewildered by this ploy. He regularly told me how stupid I was and how worthless I was. He constantly reminded me that my input was idiotic and I should just let him do the thinking. But then I was somehow capable in his mind to diagnose mystery noises and frustrating tech issues when he didn’t want to be bothered with them?

    Reading maps or following directions had the same effect. Suddenly he was helpless. “Where is the _____?” he’d holler. And I’d tell him I was looking for the sign. How he got anywhere before I was there to read the signs would be something to consider. Seems like a red flag now.

    And if he’s asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, first he asks half a dozen questions about why it needs to be done, why someone else can’t do it, have alternatives even been tried (as if I haven’t done all I can think of to avoid asking him for anything) and why didn’t those alternatives work. Finally he’ll ask what it is that he needs to do as if it’s new info. The idea is that we’re supposed to get so worn down by the questions that we give up and leave them alone.

    I hadn’t put this all together until now. I’ll bet he does this with his co-adulterer too. He wants what he wants and he pesters until he gets. Now he knows better than to coerce with violence and threats with her. Plus he’s reinvented himself as a reformed abuser. He is working overtime to show her only the best and prove that he’s a better person now. Of course she thinks she loves him. She’s never seen the real him. What’s not to love? But his manipulative nature has to be oozing through. He’s surely pressuring her for sex when she’s already running late and he’s pretending that he doesn’t know what time it is or that there’s plenty of time for ___. He really likes making people choose between healthy priorities and placating him.

    A friend’s abuser did this with her sexual boundaries. He would violate them and act like he didn’t understand. It’s a typical predator tactic. One ploy molesters use when they get caught is to claim that they were just ____ and they can see now that it might be inappropriate and they’ve learned their lesson blah blah blah. Generally that’s when they get caught wandering the house naked in the presence of young kids or touching where they shouldn’t but through clothes and right in front of everyone so it adds to their “I’m too stupid to really be a bad person” facade.

    • Ellie I love this comment of yours. You packed so much into it 🙂 Not bad for a *stupid* person, eh?

    • Seeing the Light

      “He really likes making people choose between healthy priorities and placating him.” Thank you for this very insightful statement, Ellie, and for sharing your story. I am happy for you that you can call him “X”.

    • marriedwithouthusband

      “The idea is that we’re supposed to get so worn down by the questions that we give up and leave them alone.”
      Yep, this is my husband!

  7. Jen

    Sounds exactly like my ex-husband… in court anyways. Except my ex works for the government (in accounting), has a college degree, and is no dummy. His is a lot more intelligent than I am. He just plays a dummy when it’s convenient for him.

    • Hi Jen, welcome to the blog! 🙂

    • healingInHim

      I agree with you Jen. My husband is no dummy; university and college education; a speed reader. His passive nature though has many duped into “feeling sorry for him”. In the past, there have been crocodile tears and now he is ‘intelligent’ enough to be able to tell me that, yes, he made many promises in the past that he ‘really should not have made’ … there is always an excuse for the abuse and some of the promises that he has not want to keep are necessary in order to call “this” a marriage. He is also intelligent enough to ‘play the victim’ card as he feels there are times when I have confronted him — “to him” it is abusive to ask too many questions and make him accountable? When ever I have attempted to discuss serious issues I hear this a lot: “Well, the way I see it …” and lately “I have the right to not answer that” What is marriage all about when he would rather we not converse at all? This is after 30 plus years of …. marriage?

      • Seeing Clearly

        ’30 plus yrs of marriage’ is a lonely place for a woman to find herself. When I was at that place and sorting out the final decision to divorce, I asked the psychologist to explain why women stay in relationships with men who are so inappropriate ( generalized term for what I see on public). The reason that he gave that stuck with me was that they miss their window of opportunity. Meaning they are past the money making years, haven’t practiced making individual decisions, health isn’t that good, etc. So it is much more difficult to make that transition and they choose to stay. I was 54 then, and admitted I was looking at the ‘window of missed opportunity’. I had been on disability for severe anxiety and depression for 5+ yrs. and the thought of 20+ more years with the N abuser was too bleak. So I took that one sentence that resonated with me and got a game plan to divorce. Of course it doesn’t play out neatly, but God definitely made the way for me to take that final step and file for divorce. Is it fair that women come to such a crossroad? No, it isn’t. But I say to myself exactly what I’d say to my young kids when they’d whine about something being unfair. I’d say, ” Well, life isn’t fair, so get used to it”.

      • healingInHim

        Seeing Clearly – we must be very close in age because your timeline is reflecting my life. The ‘window of missed opportunity’ is a very good description and resonates with me. I feel at times the fog lifting and am trusting God with continued insight as how to wisely proceed in a direction that will not be necessarily easy on me but in the end will give Him all the glory.
        After much twisting of Scripture from so many churches and ministries, locally and abroad which condoned the sin within this relationship … I want the true Gospel to arise from the ashes of this destroyed home.

      • Seeing Clearly

        One of the best ways for us to bring God glory at this phase of life is to be honorable women who speak truth to ourselves, about ourselves. We are God’s precious, chosen daughters. He does not trash us and we should never trash ourselves. Each time we look at ourselves in the mirror, we bring honour to God by smiling and tell ourselves, “I love you today”, just like I tell my granddaughter before we fall asleep in the lounger at nap time. Surely, God must weep when we talk to ourselves the way our abuser talked to us. But God is patiently waiting for us to relearn to talk to ourselves. I have talked to myself in horrible ways that I would never talk to someone else, but I’m changing.

        So your desire for God to be glorified is already happening, moment by moment.

        I was laying in a psychiatric hospital, short term, when I told my x I had filed for divorce. Two supportive family members were present for protection and support. My plan went no further than to set the divorce in motion. Daily, God provided what was needed. While people may say that life will be so much better on the other side of divorce, I never embraced that theory because there are no promises like that. But I have always believed since the divorce process began that I (by God’s love for me) would always be taken care of. That is a promise that God has kept and I give God credit for my life now.

        I am very disillusioned with much of church leadership, and am learning to go to the unlikely places for fellowship. Churches termed liberal, online services, discussions with non believers who are very respectful and gentle. I’ve been in church every year of my life, so I don’t need inappropriate pastors telling me how it’s supposed to be. I’m learning to walk into their offices and advocate for those they have disrespected and devalued and recommend they never do that again. It serves as a healing tool for me. Those visits don’t occur real often, but I’m practicing the technique.

        I used to have a t-shirt, loved it, that said, “life is a journey, not a guided tour”. So true.

      • Still Reforming

        Seeing Clearly, Indeed. Much of what you write resonates with me too. When I catch myself saying, “That was stupid!” when I do something that doesn’t work, I correct that and say to myself, “Let’s try that again” or something without a qualifier of myself being stupid or something that I could just hear my abuser thinking or saying.

        I look back too at my ailments over the past decade and wonder how much of it (headaches, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc) may well have been brought on by the “walking on eggshells” life.

        I’m learning, like you, to trust God daily. It’s a beautiful thing – to know that this relationship we have with our Lord and Father is as a child with a loving, gracious, merciful Father. He provides and protects and has promised to never forsake His own. We can trust that because God keeps His promises.

        Re: church leadership, I like how you’ve stepped into the unconventional world of faith. You’d probably enjoy reading “Wisdom Hunter” by Randall Arthur. It’s a fictional novel about a preacher who goes in search of God after he experiences an overwhelming trial; he then abandons the conventional traditional church to go in search of God. It’s a thought-provoking read about someone who woke up from the pretense and goes in search of the real. Arthur has another good one called “Brotherhood of Betrayal” (also fiction), which tells the story of a woman whose church blames her after her husband leaves her for another woman. They are two of my favorite books of all time because they expose hypocrisy in some areas of the church, and the author nails spiritual abuse succinctly. One doesn’t read about that kind of abuse very often, but oh, how we who have suffered it know it all too well.

        [Note from Barb Roberts: I have not read the books that Still Reforming recommends in this comment, but having just scanned the positive and negative Amazon reviews of Wisdom Hunter, I’m happy to publish this comment as there did not seem to be anything that would give a major red flag to me in those reviews.]

      • Anonymous

        Seeing Clearly and HealingInHim, Your comments are so sweet and filled with wisdom and love. What I often pray when I post here is that any people (men and women) who read the things us older people write–that if they see that they are headed to the same “missed window of opportunity” that we may have missed–that they take steps to prevent themselves from being in our position.

        Seeing Clearly, what you’ve written about learning to speak kindly and lovingly to yourself is something that is so very important. When I’m extremely overwhelmed with the many trials I’m in I sometimes revert back to speaking cruelly to myself and as a result it takes me longer to heal. Thank you for sharing your lives on this blog. My life has been blessed by so many here!

  8. Oh I’ve heard it…’I’m just a country boy’… ‘I try to make her happy but I can’t work her out..you know what these women are like!’ Nudge, nudge. All from an incredibly strategic mind that blitzes the strategy games like checkers; and that produces the most polished and realistic-sounding excuses in an instant. The amount of times ‘friends’ will make allowances for him: ‘he probably just doesn’t ‘get it”

  9. Seeing Clearly

    Still Reforming, I want to read the book ” Wisdom Hunter”. Thank you.

    • Still Reforming

      Seeing Clearly, You’re very welcome. I hope you enjoy it! 🙂

  10. 3blossommom

    Dealing with my own “stupid” man just the past few weeks. He is a commercial contractor and runs a million dollar business with ten employees, but can’t figure out how to do the support checks correctly. He is managing to do them in a way that I now get his income instead of him paying support. Next year, when support is reviewed, his income will be decreased from the year before and I will suddenly have personal earnings I’ve never had.

    I challenged him yesterday to go to his lawyer and figure out how to do it right and he accused me of falsely accusing him of planning it that way (guilt right there). Then he, in a very narcissistic way, turned the problem back on me for being bossy and expecting him to jump when I tell him to do something.

    Really, this kind of “stupid” can’t be made up. I came to the blog today to read on something else and saw this one and just had to dive in. Are these men all the same? Really scary.

    • healinginhim

      3blossommom – The man I married has a valuable trade that allows him to do many ‘jobs for cash’ … Very smart because he knows that when it comes to ‘support payments’ his income will look very small. 😦

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