Thursday Thought — What are some signs that an abuser is not changing?
When asked, “What are some signs that an abuser is not changing?” Lundy Bancroft replied with the following eight signs:
1) He tells you that you should be appreciating how much he has changed.
2) He says “I can’t be perfect” as an excuse to keep doing abusive things.
3) He thinks it’s okay to keep being abusive, as long as the incidents are farther apart than they used to be (e.g. he says, “You are so upset with me, and I haven’t done anything like that in a long time – I’ve been really good”)
4) He tells you that now it’s time for you to focus on the changes that you need to make.
5) He is disconnecting from you emotionally — in other words, the reason he is being less abusive is that he is simply not being anything very much — he’s withdrawn.
6) He is continuing to make excuses.
7) He says “We’re getting along better,” which means that as soon as you start to stand up to him or challenge him forcefully again, he’ll be going right back to his old ways.
8) He still gets impatient when you try to talk to him in a serious way about the things that are really important to you in life, including your desires for the relationship.
[The above quote was taken from an interview at Pandora’s Project website: Understanding & Breaking Free From Relationship Violence — Chat Transcript]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.