A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Is it You, You Troubler of Israel?

But Jehoshaphat said, “Is there not here another prophet of the LORD of whom we may inquire?” And the king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “There is yet one man by whom we may inquire of the LORD, Micaiah the son of Imlah; but I hate him, for he never prophesies good concerning me, but always evil.” And Jehoshaphat said, “Let not the king say so.” (2 Chronicles 18:6-7)

When Ahab saw Elijah, Ahab said to him, “Is it you, you troubler of Israel?” And he answered, “I have not troubled Israel, but you have, and your father’s house, because you have abandoned the commandments of the LORD and followed the Baals. (1 Kings 18:17-18)

Wicked King Ahab hated the godly prophet Micaiah. And Ahab hated Elijah as well. Why? Because both of these prophets spoke the truth. God’s truth. Notice that Ahab knew full well that these prophets were indeed prophets of God and what they said was in fact God’s Word. Didn’t matter. Ahab was evil. Ahab didn’t want light. So he imprisoned Micaiah and he called Elijah a troublemaker.

We see the very same dynamic here at ACFJ, and you all have seen it in your dealings with the abuser, and with the abuser’s allies – including so often, pastors and churches. The abuse victim is depicted as the troubler of Israel. She says things that are not “good prophecies concerning her abuser.” The thing is troubling. It is unpleasant. These words don’t tickle ears. “No more! Tell us no more!”

I have seen this in our church over the years. Wickedness is detected among us. We shine the light of truth on it. Allies of the evil one don’t like it and they start accusing – “you are causing unnecessary trouble! You need to be more patient. You are too harsh. We have to love these people to Jesus.” You’ve heard it. But we answer as Elijah answered: “We have not troubled this church, but you have…because you have abandoned the commandments of the Lord.”

Abuse victims are not the troublers of Israel. They are not troublers of their families, or of their churches, or of their marriages. The abuser is the troublemaker. His allies, including people in his local church who protect and enable him – they are the troublemakers. So let the Ahabs of our day scream and yell their accusations all they want, the fact is that the reason they are so enraged against the victim is that they are walking in sin, disobeying Christ whose command is that we protect the weak, the widow, the oppressed, and that we shake the dust of abuserville off our feet. And when people abandon the commandments of the Lord, they should expect that God’s people will not be prophesying good about them.

31 Comments

  1. healingInHim

    Thank you Pastor Crippen. “…. that we shake the dust of abuserville off our feet.”

  2. Moving Forward

    Yes, we live in a world where evil is called good (if he presents a good sob story), and good is called evil (for setting boundaries and keeping them). Briefly, I thought I might have an understanding pastor, but it didn’t take long for him and many others in the church to prefer to keep the wolf in sheep’s clothing rather than the not so little flock of sheep that has had to find safer pastures. What a shock it will be when he comes in for a little shearing, and the wool doesn’t grow back!

  3. Brenda R

    What’s up with folks that don’t want to hear truth? Is it so much more difficult than believing a lie? It seems to me that if everyone spoke truth and accepted truth it would make all our lives so much easier.

    • the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.
      John 3:19-20

      • The first line of that verse is so beautiful. My heart wants to open at the thought of being in the light. ☺

    • Still Reforming

      Someone once told me that there are some people who would rather climb a ladder to tell a lie than to just stand on the ground and tell the truth.

      • Brenda R

        I’m glad for your response SR. I think those climbing the ladder are usually lying in order to get up there.

  4. Ps Jeff, this story of Ahab and Elijah reminded me that there is nothing new under the sun. Just as Elijah was not the troublemaker, so the oppressed today are not the troublemakers.

    You said: “Wickedness is detected among us. We shine the light of truth on it. Allies of the evil one don’t like it and they start accusing – ‘you are causing unnecessary trouble! You need to be more patient. You are too harsh. We have to love these people to Jesus.'”

    How does someone “love these people to Jesus?” God defines what love and good is. To love God and our neighbor as our self and to do good means “…to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with our God” (Micah 6:8). To enable wickedness and allow it to fester and dominate in our own lives or the lives of others, is not being a true follower of Jesus, is not love, is not good, nor it is obedient to what God requires of us. God equips His children to cultivate healthy relationships which includes establishing healthy boundaries which includes exposing evil which promotes love and good for all.

  5. Still Reforming

    Is there any way to follow comments via email without leaving a comment? I did reply to Brenda’s comment so I’m following this conversation, however I wanted to ask since I don’t see a link or button anywhere to do that without commenting, and I didn’t want to just say simply “Amen” to follow this post…

    But I will say AMEN because this post merits it! 🙂

    • The only way to follow comments is to comment yourself on the post you want to follow and tick the little box. But it’s fine to just comment and just say “I’m ticking the box”.

      • Still Reforming

        Thanks, Barbara!

  6. Anon

    Thank you, Pastor. AMEN AMEN AMEN.

  7. At our church he was Mr Nice Guy and everyone loved him. I was the woman that had deep emotional issues (which I did and have) but all of this was from my childhood trauma and being in a marriage where I was not protected, controlled, manipulated, criticised and abused. Noone understood this, nor knew it, but when I would tell friends about the verbal abuse my child was giving me they would always ask me what my husband was doing about it.
    My husband never once protected me and explained things to the Pastor, when I was going through deep depression. God was doing a deep work in my life of healing from past abuse as a child but my husband did not give me a nurturing enviroment to heal.
    I felt like my husband put me on a long fork and put me into the fire to be burnt. I felt and still do feel like this. He says and does things that put me in the fire with our children and friends. My husband spoke to a girlfriend about me, saying that he understood how hard I was to be friends with. He has spoken bad of me to his best friend. he seems to have no discretion of what to say and not to say to friends and family. These things he has said have ruined relationships.
    I feel like I am in a warzone. I feel like I am being ripped apart by spiritual warfare.
    An amazing thing happend this morning… three days ago I read Ps27:3 I wrote it in my diary… this morning I opened another bible, I found a card in the blble from a friend that had recently died, the card was at the page and there was Ps27.. God is saying he will protect me and that I am in a warfare. I feel so alone in this battle but when I see that my husband thinks he is a Christian but I realise he is deceived, helps a little.

    • Loves6, I keep praying for you; you’re on my mind a lot, even (or especially) when you haven’t commented here for a while.

      I think you feel like you are in a warzone because you are in a warzone. A spiritual warfare war zone. I am glad you have had that reassurance from our Lord. I’m pasting some of Psalm 27 here, for anyone who may find comfort and help from it:

      ( vv 3-9) Though an army encamp against me,
      my heart shall not fear;
      though war arise against me,
      yet I will be confident.

      One thing have I asked of the LORD,
      that will I seek after:
      that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
      all the days of my life,
      to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
      and to inquire in his temple.

      For he will hide me in his shelter
      in the day of trouble;
      he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
      he will lift me high upon a rock.

      And now my head shall be lifted up
      above my enemies all around me,
      and I will offer in his tent
      sacrifices with shouts of joy;
      I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

      Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
      be gracious to me and answer me!
      You have said, “Seek my face.”
      My heart says to you,
      “Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
      Hide not your face from me.
      Turn not your servant away in anger,
      O you who have been my help.
      Cast me not off; forsake me not,
      O God of my salvation!
      (14) ..be strong, and let your heart take courage;
      wait for the Lord!

      • Hi Barb… I have been visiting here, just not up to commenting. I have been going through alot of self doubt and anger over alot of months.
        I have just read this post today, as it featured in the recent comments links https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/12/21/marks-of-a-pretend-victim-versus-a-true-victim
        I would have to say this explains where I am at very very well. I am at the angry phase. I have done the research and still continue to do so. I also have done the personality disorder questioning. My husband said to me recently I need to get a pysch check. He believes I have something very wrong with me.
        My husband confronted me recently and said that I didn’t like him anymore and that I have a huge wall around me. I admitted that yes I didn’t like him after all the stuff he has put me through and yes I had a wall around me to protect myself. He admits he has done wrong, to a point, but that doesn’t change the way I feel. I feel like I am past the point of no return. I feel like I don’t love him as a wife should anymore and I really don’t like much about him. He is a cynical, critical, covert, angry man that controls me, manipulates me and coerces me every single day. It maybe aggressively or it maybe covertly. When he does it I get angry inside. I am so unhappy. I have made contact with an organization and will be seeing them after holidays are over to discuss I safety plan.
        I have told him I question his spirtual walk with God, as the Bible says by their fruits you should know them.
        I don’t know what this year holds… I feel like I cannot pretend anymore, like I done for many many years.

      • Still Reforming

        loves6,
        I can relate to everything you write. I am no longer angry (and it’s not wrong to be angry – the Bible says “Be angry, but do not sin.”) Your anger is valid. It would be abnormal to NOT be angry given what you’ve suffered.
        I am at the stage where the “dissolution of marriage” is occurring and we live in fear (our children and me). A lot related to the (anti-)husband and his behaviors and words, but also of the unknown. We too don’t know what will happen to us this year. Where we’ll go. What will become of us….
        Then I chastise myself for my fear, as though I’m not trusting the Lord. I do; Moving that trust from head to heart takes awhile.
        It’s not you who needs the psych eval. Frankly I’m not convinced that the “expert” psychiatrists understand the dynamic of narcissistic abuse better than those who have lived with it or still are living with it.
        There’s nothing wrong with you for questioning and doubting. Your gut tells you a lot.
        Stay here and read. This site is a balm for the wounded soul.
        Frankly, of every thing I’ve ever read about the behaviors in my own home, this site is only place where I’ve “met” real people who “get it.” They know. They understand. And they don’t blame the targets of abuse for the abuse. And they don’t wield Scripture against us – keeping us down.

  8. standsfortruth

    Amen to this well defined article of the troubler is and how skillfully he enlists his allies by appealing to their weaknesses.
    The abuser is the troubler of his family, for he doesent operate from the standpoint of love and concern for the wellbeing of his family.
    It is for control and manipulation, and he enlists those who believe his lies.
    I have often had the thought when dealing with the troubler in my life that indeed he is my enemy and their is allways a hidden motive behind his actions.
    How fair in comparison, does any challenge seem, when compaired to the thought of continuing to build a life with my imposter of a husband.
    How fitting it is insted to see him as my Haman, my Sanballet and my Tobiah.

  9. outofthefog

    I feel as though I travel right back into the fog sometimes (more often than not). Tonight I just pray for clarity. It is so easy for his words to penetrate & make me feel as if I am the one who is the trouble as this states.
    We are separated (just not living together as he says) and he calls, comes over, & tries to engage me into his crazy more often than not.
    His latest tactic being to tell me I am not being a christian wife because I am not submitting or following. He constantly accuses me of wanting to be the man and my true heart is to take over. ( I am doing those things I need to do to bring stability, healing & wholeness to my children).
    He does say I have used manipulation to turn everyone against him. (I finally after 25 years just started telling the truth.)
    He is spewing his words, calling me names & then turning around and asking me “what do you need from me today?” This is making me feel like I am the trouble as he goes on to say “I am really trying, you are not exhibiting wifely love or forgiveness” etc.etc. etc. It is a yo-yo hourly, daily, weekly.

    Is it me being the trouble if I just don’t go back to status quo? Thats what it feels like tonight. If I am choosing to not be the doormat, the quiet wife who acquiesces to swearing, raging, bullying, violence, intimidation, silent treatment, or sexual aggressiveness….. am I really the trouble?
    If I say no to letting him take over my money because he has lied and put us in a very precarious position……am I the trouble?
    If I make decisions for my children that need to be made that he refuses to make such as schooling etc… am I the trouble?
    If I start to share with my closest friends & pastors that what is happening at my house is not what you would think ……am I the trouble?
    If I tell him, after a huge violent outburst where he breaks yet another door which sends the children hiding in corners, that he must leave or I will call the police…..am I the trouble?
    If after he leaves and he continues to say we are husband and wife, which means sex & I refuse due to years of mental & emotional abuse & a serious porn addiction…..am I the trouble?

    I have lived with him saying I am the trouble for years and that if I just acted the way he dictated everything would be back toy normal. I just can not do that anymore. My issue though is knowing & feeling I am ok & its not me.
    This post struck such a chord with me and I am striving to walk free & out of the fog. Some days are better. Some are worse, like today. I think I start to feel sorry for him and feel like the words he says sound like he knows what he is talking about. It is such a cycle & I know it and see it for others, now its my turn.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Outofthefog – You are seeing and recognizing one of the most evil aspects of evil – that it accuses, accuses, accuses. The troubler is accusing you of being the troubler. The thing is particularly satanic in my opinion. You know the answer, NO you are not the trouble. Not at all. But that question keeps coming back in our minds, doesn’t it? Tell you what, the next time those accusing thoughts come your way, email us and tell us about it and we will reply in all caps, boldface, as loudly as we can type – Nope! You aren’t the trouble. The wicked man is. You are doing right.”

    • Outofthefog,

      you ask, “. . .am I the trouble?”

      You may be encouraged by this quote by Pastor Crippen taken from one of his sermons: “If you follow Christ you are going to be seen as a troublemaker. You will turn your family and relatives upside down and they won’t like it. They will see what you’re doing as wrong and they will keep telling you then that you are wrong.”

      Outofthefog, you are not the troublemaker, but your abuser is going to try to convince you that you are. Why? because he hates the truth that you are speaking. He hates the Christ that he sees in you.

      When my ex and I divorced, my ex did the same thing — repeatedly accused me of tearing our family apart, of disobeying God, of not submitting, and that I was the cause of our children’s distress, that I was the monster. Did those accusations hurt? You bet they did. But as I look back at those accusations they have become proof to me that I was not the monster, I was not the troublemaker. And neither are you.

      Pastor Crippen, in the sermon I quoted above, goes on to remind us, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Matthew 5:10-12

      • Still Reforming

        twbtc,

        Thank you for posting these verses and points from Pastor Jeff’s sermon. They brought tears to my eyes.

        It is so rare that I have heard these things – at least with respect to myself. I haven’t heard them in this context. I have more often heard them yelled in a sermon or in the context of a suffering missionary overseas. Never with respect to the life I’ve lead behind closed doors.

        What peace to be comforted by these verses – since so many times I have felt pressed upon as the cause of all he’s done and who he is – even by the church and the women of the church (that we have now left, thanks be to God). This reassurance from the Word of God is a balm that reaches the deepest wounds.

        Thank you.

    • Dear outofthefog. You are not the trouble. You are not the troublemaker. You are the truth teller, the boundary setter, the wise responsible adult who is trying to manage the welfare of the kids and yourself as best you can despite the corrosion and destructiveness of the abuser’s habitual longstanding evil conduct.

      You are setting boundaries, refusing to buckle under to his power, resisting the abuse. That is good. That is right. That is righteous.

      And every time you do this, he depicts what you are doing as sinful rebellion.

      It is not sinful rebellion. It is godliness and righteousness on your part, and standing for the truth and for the welfare of those who have been oppressed (you and your kids).

      The abuser always accuses his target of the very things he himself does. He is the one in sinful rebellion; so he accuses you of being in sinful rebellion. He is a liar.

      Hope this helps. If you can set more boundaries against him contacting you (e.g. do not answer his calls, refuse to let him visit you) then I think your mind will be less messed with. He may and probably will escalate some other way, to try to regain control over you. But if you are just like a stuck record with your “No” and your silence and your grey rock responses, and if you keep reviewing and revising your Safety Plan, I trust you will have the strength to get through it. I will pray for you.

  10. outofthefog

    To everyone – thank you. I have saved this page on my favorites just so I can go back & read & reread your responses. It has been very helpful & encouraging.

  11. Anonymous

    Jeff, this short post is so good! Abusers do NOT want to let us be free in the Lord–they want us to remain ignorant to the truth and power of God’s word and also to be unaware of how valuable those who belong to Him are.

    For over forty years I thought I was garbage. I hated myself and just KNEW it was because there was something inherently wrong with me. Why did I care so much about so many things? Why couldn’t I just go with the flow and enjoy the ride? Why couldn’t I have casual sex when others clearly loved it? Why did it take me so long to emotionally, spiritually and mentally process things? Why was I so unhappy when I was working so hard at doing the things I’d been told SHOULD make me happy? And gazillions of other things.

    I carry others burdens and feel what others feel very deeply and very strongly. I am also highly conscienced and because of this I can’t always endure all the games and lies without at some point breaking down. (Jesus was the most HIGHLY SENSITIVE HUMAN to ever walk on this earth. I cannot even FATHOM the depths of emotions He felt — thinking about this overwhelms and humbles me.)

    When I first started researching I happened upon a comment written by a woman who was very much like me. She never thought she was smart because she always needed to ask a lot of questions in order to understand certain concepts when it appeared to her that others were able to gain knowledge without doing this. She had to work hard at school in order to get high grades while others sailed through (seemingly) without effort.

    Now here’s where I tie in how abusers DO NOT WANT US TO BE FREE. When she was getting ready for college, she had to take an IQ test for some program or another. She took the test and time went by and nobody ever contacted her with the results or talked to her about it, and she didn’t want to ask about her score because she figured that the results just proved how stupid she really was and that others didn’t want to embarrass her but telling her. A few years (I think it was years) went by and somehow the IQ test results came up (I think her parents had seen the results years before) and she found out that she had tested at GENIUS level! She was SHOCKED! Why hadn’t her parents told her this? Why hadn’t they shared this information? What was their response? THEY DIDN’T WANT HER TO GET A BIG HEAD!

    Now what does this have to do with abusers wanting to keep us enslaved? Abusers never want those of us who DO love others so deeply, who DO care and are willing to work things out, who DO care about justice–TO KNOW OUR VALUE! ( Or for us to realize that they are NOTHING LIKE THIS.) They don’t want us to know that our differences are NOT negative and are actually INVALUABLE! So they malign and ridicule us in order to keep us thinking we are worthless and therefore we should be grateful that they “put up” with us.

  12. Anon

    I can relate to your post, Anonymous. “For over 40 years I thought I was garbage.” Same with your last paragraph, especially your last two lines,

    They don’t want us to know that our differences are NOT negative and are actually INVALUABLE! So they malign and ridicule us in order to keep us thinking we are worthless and therefore we should be grateful that they “put up” with us.

    I’ve spent so much time wishing I was someone else, reading scores of self-help books, articles, trying to memorize how others were, their mannerisms, speech, etc. because I was harped on about everything. Now that I look back as to who I once was, I see that I had been a lovely person. Nowadays, I don’t know anymore as the abuse has so thoroughly affected me. Sometimes the damage cannot be undone. The darkness seems to have swallowed me up — or at least it feels that way and seems to be that way.

    But this website, as well as commentary like yours, Anonymous, is really great to read. I’ve long thought of myself as being essentially “garbage” and I still think so, but instead of seeing such as another failure of mine, that I don’t have proper self-esteem, etc., it is something other abuser survivors experience, too.

    May God bless us all and keep us in the One True Faith. 🙂

    • Anonymous

      Anon, you wrote, “Now that I look back as to who I once was, I see that I had been a lovely person. Nowadays, I don’t know anymore as the abuse has so thoroughly affected me.”

      Let me reassure you that you are even MORE lovely than before!

      I completely understand where you and Un-Tangled are at emotionally and spiritually. This new year has been especially hard for me with major life changes and more truth being revealed. I’ve often thought of going to a therapist and just allowing myself to cry for the allotted time. No talking. No “therapy,” just paying them to allow me the time to simply cry.

  13. Un-Tangled

    I really needed to read this today. A couple of days ago a FB friend scolded me for having no contact with my abusive family. She told me that I was angry and bitter and dishonorable for not wanting contact and that I needed to reconcile with them. The thought of ever having contact with my family again makes me feel panicked and sick to my stomach.

    Comments from people who don’t understand abuse and who accuse me makes me feel as if they are hitting me with a baseball bat. I stood up to this FB friend and challenged her statements, but I have been struggling ever since. I struggle with fear and guilt that maybe I really am as unloving and unforgiving and everything that my family said I was. I don’t think I am, but what if I am and I just don’t know it? I find myself second guessing all my emotions and actions to see if I’m the terrible one. I love God deeply, but sometimes I wonder if He can love me. Logically I know He does, but emotionally sometimes I wonder. It’s even difficult at times to read the Bible because of the Scriptures that have been twisted.

    Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get free of the sadness, guilt, anxiety, and weariness that I feel. Some days are better and other days are worse. I’m in a low point right now.

    • healinginhim

      Un-Tangled — I want to give you a hug. I have had the same pressure put on me.
      I have been told so many nasty things about me that I am drafting yet “another” letter to inform ‘the family’ that since I am such a terrible person that there is no way I should be visiting with such perfect people like them!
      I said “another” letter because several years ago I attempted to deal with issues in another letter by stating I wanted a ‘family meeting’ so that we could discuss everything instead of gossiping about each other. This first letter writing incident revealed how the man that I married cared very little for my emotions or for me as his wife and person. He did not want to get involved and told me to just ‘get along’ …
      Un-Tangled, please be reassured that the Lord loves and cares for you dearly. This thought keeps me grounded. The Lord knows everything about us and ‘them’. Even though I still have periods of sadness and guilt like you describe; they don’t last as long because I know that I have done nothing to them except make my love for Jesus Christ very apparent.
      ((hugs))

      • Un-Tangled

        Thank you, Healinginhim.

        I almost think that the Christian bystanders cause more harm than the abuser because they rip into a victim with pressure that they need to get over it, and stop being bitter (because they mention abuse), and reconcile with the abuser. I have been more battered by people who call themselves Christians than any other people.

        I find myself examining and second-guessing every emotion I have, wondering if I’m what they say I am, feeling guilty because I wasn’t strong enough to keep loving and forgiving, feeling beaten even by the Scriptures–which they twist–wondering how to get to my feet yet again, and wondering why God permits the abuse, even though I firmly believe He is a loving God who cares for the oppressed and brokenhearted and who sets the prisoners free.

        I have hope that I will recover, but it would be nice if it could be sooner rather than later.

      • healinginhim

        More ((hugs)) to you, Un-Tangled. ❤

    • Anonymous

      Un-Tangled, I know how you feel about the no contact with the abusive family and then others thinking they have the right to accuse you for standing your ground.

      Luke 12:53, “They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.””

      This verse does little to explain the sadness that is experienced when we are living with the truth of it, especially if we’ve been raised in an environment where our family is our entire support system.

      I remember reading your other post about how you had basically stopped associating with your brother or brother-in-law due to things you and your family had learned about him. I think you said that no one even noticed, including him, that you’d been doing this for years. But that once the truth was out, opinions started flying and people started taking sides. And that FB had been a part of it because you’d been maintaining the site. (Forgive me if I’ve not remembered the details correctly.)

      I’ve never had a FB account or other social media. For me it was initially due to the fact that I rarely used the computer. But once I started attending college that changed, Not long after this I got hacked and had to learn how to live with only minimal and necessary technology. (I realize that some people don’t have a choice as their job requires it etc.) What I’m getting at is have you thought about not using this for awhile? Your FB? Taking a break from it?

      Here’s why I say this. My adult daughter too had no FB account for YEARS but once she got married and moved away from her family and his, she thought it would be a good idea to open one in order to stay in touch with everyone. She said that right away she realized how this had been a mistake. The highs and lows that accompany these social media venues can really affect us. She said that she’d check it in the morning first thing and if she hadn’t gotten a response to a posting, she was devastated. Other things too. I’ve read other stories where people go through a type of withdrawal when they initially stop using these outlets but once they’ve adjusted, they can see how much a part of their life had been controlled or influenced negatively because of this.

      I realize this won’t do a thing to change the hearts of those who have access to you via FB, but it may give you a chance to step back and realize some truths about these people and yourself. It’s amazing how life still goes on….it does!

      I’ve said this before but you are very sweet-hearted and this shines through in your postings. That FB has once again been the vehicle through which you’ve been harmed by family members, just brings all of this to mind. Whatever you do, God will be with you and will help you.

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