Thursday Thought — “Am I the One Mistreating Him?”
Life with a controlling partner can become a twisted world where bad is good, down is up, and wrong is right. Many women over the years have said to me, “My partner tells me that I’m the one abusing him. How do I know if it’s him or me?”
Read the following concepts, taking a deep breath after each one so that you can absorb it.
One: You are not responsible for his behavior. You do not make him do things. His actions are his own choice.
Two: You deserve to be treated well even when you make mistakes, and even if you make them a lot.
Three: Setting firm, clear limits for how your partner is allowed to treat you is not the same thing as controlling him, and should not be called control.
Four: Choosing to not always put your partner’s needs ahead of your own does not constitute hurting him, wronging him, or being selfish. You have the right to give substantial priority to your own needs and desires.
Five: If you scream and yell once in a while, that does not mean that you are crazy or abusive. It depends on whether you are yelling degrading things, whether your partner has reason to be intimidated by you, and whether you are yelling to control him (versus helping to resist his control).
These five concepts will cover most of the situations where your partner tries to turn the tables on you. Digest each point and your partner will stop being able to convince you that you are the one with the problem.
“I am not responsible for my partner’s behavior. I am responsible for my own.”
[entry from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?* (affiliate link) pp 293-4]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.