Thursday Thought — He May Never Get It
One of the most natural and universal human impulses is our desire to get people who have wronged us to recognize what they did and admit that it was wrong. We want to hear a certain soft sound in their voice, see sadness in their eyes, showing that they feel genuinely bad for having harmed us. We want them to understand that we didn’t deserve their actions. And then, if it’s at all possible, we want them to actually do something to make up for the damage they caused.
Unfortunately, this natural longing for justice can sometimes backfire. When you have a destructive partner, the desperate need you feel to have him see what he has done is, ironically, part of what keeps you trapped. If you end the relationship, then he is never going to admit how badly he treated you, and he’s never going to make it up to you. And that reality can feel unbearable.
But the alternative is to stay involved with him, where he will keep harming you more, and the pile of things he needs to face up to will just keep growing. Longing for justice can keep you roped into unhealthy circumstances.
Start letting go of the hope that he will see. Even if he admits one day that he was wrong, he’s likely to just take it back in a few weeks or months. See if instead you can focus on: (1) Knowing — really knowing — inside yourself how deeply wrong his behavior has been; and (2) Building close relationships with other people who can really get it and express it to you.
Someday this pain will pass, and you’ll stop caring what he thinks; hundreds of women have told me that this is what happens. Have faith.
[entry from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? (*affiliate link) p318-9]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.