Thursday Thought — Leaving Successfully
I would never pressure you to leave your relationship. There is way too much that I don’t know. You might not have any money to go our on your own right now. You might have to stay to protect your children from him. You may not feel strong enough. There are many reasons why staying might be the right choice for now.
But if you decide to leave, I want you to succeed, so that you can build the life you desire. And staying away after you leave is the hard part. That’s the phase when you have to deal with your fears of what he might do. That’s when your loneliness comes up, and your sadness. That’s when he makes promises and starts manipulating you.
So to succeed in staying away you have to have a plan, and it might be best to put it in writing. It could take you a few weeks and perhaps a number of months to make your plan, so start today. Here are some of the points to include:
- Which friends and relatives are going to be good sources of emotional support for you? When will you tell them that you’re leaving your partner? What plans do you need to have in place for them?
- How much money do you need? How are you going to get it, and hide it?
- How and where can you tell him safely? (Alone at home with him is not a good idea.)
- What steps will you take when you start to feel the urge to go back to him? (Write the answer to this one in detail: include phone calls you will make to loved ones, a support group you can attend, a trip away for a few days, and other steps. Do not keep it a secret from other people that you are thinking of getting back with him; isolation is disastrous.)
Keep adding to your plan in the weeks ahead, so that by the time you are ready to leave, you have a plan that can succeed.
[Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? p332-3*]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.