Thursday Thought — Staking Out Your Ground
Standing up for yourself can be very difficult when you have a domineering partner. He may make you pay such a high price for your attempts to have a voice that you find it just isn’t worth. Many women stand up to their destructive partners less and less as time goes by because they can’t take the pain of the stream of insults he hurls, the hateful look on is face, and his scary eruptions. Part of what defines an abusive man is his underlying attitude that if you stand up to him he’s going to get you back for it.
So a woman’s resistance to her partner sometimes has to become invisible — and the invisible ways in which you stand up for yourself can be profoundly important.
Invisible resistance takes many forms, such as:
- Reading books or blogs that help you feel stronger (as I hope this book is doing)
- Refusing inside yourself to believe what he tells you, even if you have to pretend outwardly that you do
- Writing in a journal
- Refusing inside yourself to believe that you are responsible for the way he treats you, even if you are the one who ends up having to apologize
- Having contact with people that he doesn’t like or that he has tried to keep you away from
- Doing things your own way when he’s not around to see
- Believing in your own goodness and intelligence
- Keeping secrets from him, hiding money, planning an escape
- Stealthily doing things that he forbids you to do
Examine your own actions and look for ways in which you invisibly resist your partner’s power and control. Take pride in that resistance.
[Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?*, pp147-8]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.