A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

“She Just Wants to Take Him for all She Can” — Really?

As we know, abuse victims are regularly and roundly criticized (that’s putting it mildly) for leaving and/or filing for divorce from their abuser. One of the charges made against them is that “she just wants to take him for all she can in divorce court.” And, of course, abusers love to repeat this mantra, claiming that the courts are dominated by the feminists and men received gross injustice there.

That is a fantasy that originates with and is promoted by abusers. Let’s do a reality check.

What is the situation of the typical abuse victim who leavers her abuser? What happens when she files for divorce and the courts return a judgment? I can tell you, as can our readers. We can tell you because we talk to lots and lots of abuse survivors who left their abuser. Here is what happens to her and the children with her:

  • She has no job, no means of making an income. Her abuser saw to that.
  • She has nowhere to go, or if she stays in the present home and the abuser moves out, she just barely ekes by.
  • Court action and processes drag on and on and on because her abuser uses the court as an instrument to continue the abuse.
  • She is shunned by her church “friends.”
  • She has to yield to court-ordered visitation of the children with the abuser

And I am sure I have left out other “fun” aspects of her life after she leaves.

Now, think! Think! Do you really believe that abuse victims file for divorce because they just know they can “take him for all they can”? Think again. Why in the world would ANY person subject themselves to such a life if their claims of abuse were false?  Think again. Just how terrible and insufferable must the abuse be if she is willing to endure an impoverished life with all the other painful trappings that go along with it, to escape the abuse?  “Hmmmm, you say. Must be pretty bad.” Yep. It is. And most likely worse than you imagine.

So for all the crying and wailing on the part of abusers, and by these “fathers’ rights groups,” their claims just do not add up.

 

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29 Comments

  1. Rebecca

    Wow, Jeff. Nailed it.

  2. Anonymous

    Thank you for writing this post. You have really hit the nail on the head with this one, when you say,

    Just how terrible and insufferable must the abuse be if she is willing to endure an impoverished life with all the other painful trappings that go along with it, to escape the abuse?

    This is also the reason why so many women return to the abuse. Their need for survival, finances (even just enough to buy food/shelter) forces them back into Hell.

    And, when people say “taking him for all he’s got,” they are devaluing the worth of the woman in the relationship. She made a home, birthed children (can any man do that!), added value beyond what, perhaps, his paycheck pays him, and in the end it’s “his” money to control.

    It saddens me beyond words that pastors (mostly men), pity the poor guy that actually has to support the family he destroyed. And, that support, will occur, in many cases only IF the female is able to afford an attorney that will fight for her, and IF she has the resources to afford his/her services, which most don’t.

    Again…..great post!

    • Thankfully, in Australia the Federal Govt’s Child Support Agency (CSA) (connected to the Tax Office) can extract child support from the non-custodial parent’s wage and pass it on the the custodial parent. The system has some flaws, and self-employed men can lie about their income and so evade paying child support, but the system is better than America, I think, because the abuse victim does not have to have a good lawyer in order to get decent child support payments.

      The CSA sets the rules about how much is to be paid based on the two respective parents’ taxable income from the previous tax year. And then it garnishes the payment from the non-custodial parent, by making his employer pass the money directly over to the CSA, who then send it on to the custodial parent.

      In my case, my ex evaded child support for some time by repeatedly switching to a new employer so the CSA (and I) were not able to know who his current employer was, and ex had also failed to put in several years of tax returns. When he finally DID put in those tax returns, the CSA garnished the arrears he owed me as soon as the Tax Office had granted his tax-return rebate! The CSA actually deducted the money right from his bank account and sent it to me! This would not have happened except that I had been able to tell the CSA which bank he was with.

      And what’s more, if a parent accrues arrears with the CSA, that debt remains even after the child turns 18. So the irresponsible parent cannot ever escape that debt and the CSA, thru the Tax Office, can always take the money that is owed to the CSA, whenever they can get their hands on it. And they remit the money to the parent to whom it was owed.

      The Aussie Govt put this all in place many years ago. It got sick of dead-beat parents (mostly dads) who were fathering kids but refusing to support them. The Govt didn’t feel it was right for the Australian taxpayers to pay for so many of the needs of the kids via our social welfare system, and they wanted to force the neglectful parents to do their duty financially. Like I said, the system has its problems esp if your ex runs his own business and can cook the books. But for many abused women, it has been a great help.

      • surviving freedom

        Barbara, where I live is very similar to this. However, I haven’t got this far yet as everything needs to be signed and worked out. It is very difficult for a person here to default on child support. Even the division of assets is pretty straight forward unless he can prove fault on my part. I have discovered that there are still ways that he can stall or attempt to get out of things, it makes more sense for him to just stall when it comes to signing anything, but it is a lot less of a legal nightmare.

  3. Anonymous

    One of the fastest growing populations of the homeless, are mothers with children. And if they must move in with family (if they even have this option available to them) they are then prevented from receiving government assistance because they are not considered chronically homeless.

    As Jeff explained in this post, many of us don’t have the option of leaving due to lack of education, job skills etc., and the added treat of PTSD, self-hatred and insecurity about our ability to do anything worthwhile, can then turn us into slaves of evil ones. My mother endured an abusive marriage for as long as she could and when she finally left, our large family was thrust into hell. Some went to foster care where they were abused; others found wonderful families; and some of us stayed with our dad. None of us received any kind of help in healing or in education about what was considered to be abusive behavior and many of us ended up repeating the same cycle. I thought I was marrying someone completely different from my dad but came to find out it was just a different mask he was wearing.

    My dad never paid any money towards the kids who didn’t live with him and he would bad-mouth them when they begged him for help. When his teen daughter (an older sister of mine) was nearly raped by her foster father and ran off and married a man who got her pregnant right away, my dad called her a pig and a whore. He could never see that he was supposed to be her protector and provider and that the only reason she was in this predicament was because he had destroyed the family by his abuse. To this day, over forty years later, he still blames my mom.

    • Still Reforming

      Anonymous,
      I met a young woman last night in a Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) class who sounds like she could have been your sister. (I know she wasn’t, but the testimony is similar.) We struck up a conversation, because the instructor told us to not tell any males we know the techniques we’re learning in class (for our own protection). She described how she lives with her maternal grandmother because her mother, although estranged from her dad, won’t protect the kids well enough. The mom won’t file charges against the dad though he drives drunk with the youngest of her five siblings. Three are old enough to have moved out (as she did). She’s only 17 years old. She dropped out of school due to the family situation, but went on to complete her GED, and I suspect she’s taking this class because of the way her dad is. I’m taking it because of the way my ex-husband is. (My daughter can only attend two nights because she’s forced by the courts to be with her dad 50 percent of the time, so she’ll miss two class nights, but I’ll likely be taking it again with her. She at least got to sit in on the first night, which was a very smart lecture about rape, aggression, and how women are conditioned to not draw a line in the sand in keep it there.) For readers in the US, I’d recommend taking the class if you’re able to get to one and your own situation at home is safe enough to do so. It’s a free class and in my area is taught by a local police captain. Many women in the class are taking it for a second or even third time – because it really boosts confidence in one’s ability to draw a boundary and defend oneself.

      • Survivor

        This is good – but, ultimately, men who abuse won’t stop until they are confronted by their peers, i.e. men.

        I have lived through it – saw the abuser and all his buddies totally defeated when ONE MAN had a sudden recognition of the horror I was being subjected to and had the courage to stop his participation, stand and say to the leader, “You better let her go.”

        God is waiting for men like David to walk right into the middle of the battle and knock it right outta the park, never to return!

    • Survivor

      Thank you for writing this, Anonymous. It needs to be told: when a woman walks out of an abusive marriage, she walks into hell. The wolves come out of the woodwork when the men leave. Pray the angels protect each and every courageous woman and her beautiful, precious children.

      When the Lord comes, will he find any faithful (men) on the earth?

      • Anonymous

        Survivor,
        I have found the same thing to be true–that men will respond better to men in some situations, and I have half-jokingly wondered to myself if this isn’t why God had the books of the Bible written by men–so that women of our generation would be encouraged that there were in fact true men of God at one time, and that there still are!

        But I also make note as I’m reading the Bible of the real influence that women have on men and God made sure to have it written down for us. Matthew 27:19 Pilate’s wife sent word that she had a dream about Jesus and to leave him alone–which Pilate heeded as much as he could. Paul writes often of women active in the ministry and how they were valued as much as the men, and Jesus always treated women the same way he treated men. He valued them for their hearts. The Bible makes special note of who was there at the crucifixion and how they were involved in Jesus’s life. Low and behold many women were there and they were extremely important to Him.(Mark 15:41)

        More recently God has shown me that when we stand up for ourselves and use His words, men often respond with silence or retreat, and of course it depends on the situation. I have always been a poor public speaker and a terrible leader as I’m shy and afraid and it’s not my gift. BUT, God has been with me over and over and over again in the past few years so that every time I stand up for someone else or for myself he helps me by either silencing the abuser by giving me the strength to respond Biblically, and/or gives me the words to make sound arguments. It’s a duel of sorts isn’t it, when we use God’s word against evil ones? And it ain’t always pretty either. I stutter and stammer and shake sometimes and my mouth goes dry yet somehow, the abuser relents and retreats. It could be because they don’t want to look like the bully they are or don’t want to fight with a woman who is “clearly” out of her mind and won’t back down. But the truth of the matter is that Jesus is the reason and he honors me, honors my standing up for what’s right and I have seen this over and over. It still amazes me because I have ALWAYS avoided controversy and arguing especially with men and especially in public. And the truth of the matter is that I still go out of my way to avoid any confrontation so when it does ensue it is CLEARLY something the Lord has put in front of me and wants to be addressed. (By the way, when this first started to happen, where God put me in situations where I had to stand up and defend myself or others, after it was over I would go home and yell at him and tell him that he should KNOW my heart was to have peace and that he shouldn’t put me in these predicaments. He continued to though, and with each battle he showed me that HE was there, that HE was the reason for the strife because it’s a spiritual battle and that HE was faithful to see me through it.)

        We women have the same Holy Spirit that was in David. I pray that if you start to defend yourself using God’s word, that God shows you that HE is actually the one behind/inside you and that he will honor your words and silence evil men or reveal their evil to all present so that the evil one is rejected. If God puts you in situations where you must defend yourself, use his words, or silence, as sometimes bullies just want to argue. As a Christian, you don’t do anything alone.

  4. Still Reforming

    This kind of thinking is so obvious when you lay out the details as you did, but no one – especially not those in the church – wants to hear it.

    I saw my former pastor a few months ago and told him that no one from the church had contacted me after I left the church (because my abusive ex-husband stayed there). The pastor told me that said he told the congregation to call or contact me (not that he himself called or contacted me). I told him that when I struggled with figuring out home repair on my own a pastor on-line had offered to send me wrenches. Did my former pastor ask, “Oh, do you need wrenches?” or “How are you managing on your own?” No. He smiled and exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”

  5. Anonymous

    “This is also the reason why so many women return to the abuse.” This is profound! I think this fact is sometimes forgotten as we navigate through the tangled maze trying to find sanity and rebuild amidst the sheer horror of evil and abuse we know all too well. Just trying to survive another day often is all we can deal with in the moment; then there is the mountain to climb to move forward and start a new life while we are still shell-shocked and traumatized. It can all look JUST TOO OVERWHELMING!! And it’s the “unknown.” Going back is familiar territory and for a fleeting moment in our foggy, confused, broken-down, emotionally distraught mind making a poor decision can be disastrous if not fatal. I nearly did it!! Looking back now upon each new day that I heal I realize had I gone back, I have NO doubt whatsoever I would have returned to my home town, in a box. How I wish it were all just a bad dream. But this IS reality.

    • mountain to climb to move forward and start a new life while we are still shell-shocked and traumatized. It can all look JUST TOO OVERWHELMING!! And it’s the “unknown.” Going back is familiar territory

      Yes!

      Eds: rest of comment deleted because it would have identified the commenter.

      To HisBanner: — We read it. We believe you. We feel for you. We are deeply concerned for your wellbeing. We honour you for how you have come out of the fog. We honour you for how you are prudently choosing how to deal with your situation.
      (((((many hugs))) to you from Barb.

      • Dear His Banner
        I published your comment but disidentified it first. Please see my note in your comment above. 🙂

  6. Valerie

    Wow, this is spot on. Yeah, I endured his abuse, lost friends, family, church, my home, my financial security, received a scarlet D on my forehead….all for gain?? And I meticulously waited years and years to exit at the perfect timing?

    Anyone who would say things like what you describe does not know the victim because from the accounts of people here they would be hard pressed to find evidence of this mindset in their lives.

    Thank you for this post!!

  7. Asking prayer for direction from God.
    I am ready to file a dissolution of marriage.
    Before that happens..
    I recently found out that my abuser lied to a court about [an important matter – details redacted by Eds].

    I will be my own advocate in this divorce proceeding. Because of control and financial abuse.

    I know God has a plan!
    I need prayer for protection.
    Things could get ugly.
    I have peace about moving forward!
    In the midst of this abuse.
    God has been my shield of Divine guidance!
    There is light at the end of the tunnel.
    He calls Himself.
    The Great I am! The light of the world,
    Following Jesus now.
    No turning back.

    • Bitter But Getting Better

      Her Journey, you are taking a big step and my prayers are with you as you do. Isaiah 43 says: “Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; your mine. When you pass through the water I WILL BE WITH YOU & through the rivers they shall NOT overflow you. When you walk through the fire you SHALL NOT BE BURNED nor shall the flame scorch you. For I AM the LORD your GOD the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” Her journey you are not alone. Blessings to you dear one!

  8. sara

    Wow! This is so true on every aspect. I was never allowed to work for over 2 decades–I have no retirement, no job skills, and do not qualify for social security. The state we live in is a 50/50 state and I was given half of “everything.” He has whined to everyone that will listen that “I took him for everything and he has nothing to live on.” How can that be when the maintenance and child support is less than 40% of what he makes? I just wanted him out of the house, so I gave in to his whining and agreed to let him take nearly all of the furniture. Our neighbors loaned us chairs for the living room. The church sided with him because I had filed for divorce and “I have an unforgiving heart” and “he never hit you, so it really couldn’t have been that bad.” But as my children and I sit in our borrowed chairs, we are so thankful for everything we do have.
    We are thankful for the couple of friends who have stuck by our side. We are thankful to walk into a house and not be afraid of “setting” him off. I am thankful to be able to go to bed when I want, go out when I want, and talk to who I want. I am thankful for the wonderful teachers at the community college who have encouraged me and told me how smart I am (when you have only heard how stupid you are–this is amazing), and I am thankful for new beginnings and the faith that I will get through.

  9. Why in the world would ANY person subject themselves to such a life if their claims of abuse were false? Think again. Just how terrible and insufferable must the abuse be if she is willing to endure an impoverished life with all the other painful trappings that go along with it, to escape the abuse?

    I have not experienced the court nightmare, BUT in planning my separation, I had a similar conversation with my Bible Study leader, who didn’t “get it” and was suggesting (as SO many other clueless-about-abuse people did) that somehow maybe it was my “pride keeping me from looking at myself”(even though I was the one seeking help for myself for so many years because OBVIOUSLY I wasn’t “trying hard enough” yada yada…sigh…) so this conversation was near the time when I had decided I HAD to separate for my own health and well-being.

    Word for word in my email to Bible Leader: “I’m just trying to say that I
    would NEVER put my marriage of 27 years in jeopardy, give up my beautiful
    home to live in a hovel and be separated from my children at 51 years of age
    because I allow pride to blind me to my own issues! That’s what kept me in
    the cycle all these years is ALWAYS looking at myself and my issues, sure the blame lay all with me (because that’s what I was constantly told by him and anyone else I turned to at church). I am doing this because I can’t and shouldn’t deal with the abuse any longer.”

    Such a prevalent mindset in the church can be very discouraging at times. Thank you for being the light in our dark place!

    • Survivor

      Debby, don’t be so quick to condemn yourself: the devil is a liar and you, my dear, are THE righteousness of CHRIST, no less – there is NOW no condemnation.

      I pray deliverance from the deception of the enemy and the rest of a faith and a clear conscience in Christ.

      This Shalom/REST is the fight we are to labour to stay in, now that Christ has ushered us in.

  10. a prodigal daughter returns

    Thank you again Pastor Crippen for so accurately explaining the reality of abuse survivors lives. For those that have shared their stories in response and expressed themselves so articulately and beautifully, thank you. Your words are powerful. I remember vacillating about leaving, and then attempting to leave, then going back when I was hit with the reality of how ill prepared I was for not just financial desperation but social impoverishment. It was as if I ceased to exist as a person if I wasn’t a married woman in the church. Invisible powerless, and discarded by society can be terrifying. It is easier to hide the abuse then get the message from counselors that I wouldn’t be in an abusive relationship if something wasn’t deeply wrong with me. The so-called therapy “cure” only added to the deep shame the abusers in my life created and then exploited.

    When I was in denial that going back was dangerous I was warned the abuse would get worse if I went back. It did. He got more sophisticated and crueler and better at hiding it because he was practicing and perfecting evil. He was adapting methods inspired by hell itself to hit me hard in the most vulnerable places. The very few people I met that were wise about abuse exhorted me to “leave and choose life”. I remember thinking that is easy for you to say, you have a home, car, electricity, food and acceptance, you expect me to give it all up and be plunged into desperate poverty.

    I’m not sure how this happened but a paperback, I’ve never found again landed in my hands and it gave me the courage. It was called “Bread for the Journey” written by women that left abusive relationships and shared their testimonies of the absolute miraculous Divine provision in the throes of poverty The book spoke of the need for miracles that occurred at the right time and it deeply inspired me that God could rescue me too. Although I did end up in a homeless shelter and I did go through times of real suffering I can say I saw absolute miraculous divine provision on the way. My faith grew that God not only cared about my life He wanted me to have an abundant one and He walked with me daily and kept me through the night waiting for me to lean on Him, call on Him and trust Him

    Poverty doesnt mean you can’t have joy and peace which is great and priceless wealth.

    This is a promise God gave me, as I embarked on the journey to freedom. A promimse to be the Husband I never knew, a provider, comforter, help and Source of all that is good and beautiful. I look back now and can see such provision, and that God has never failed to give me “bread for the journey”

    Isaiah 54: Don’t fear, because you won’t be ashamed; don’t be dismayed, because you won’t be disgraced. You will forget the shame of your youth; you’ll no longer remember the disgrace of your widowhood. 5 The one marrying you is the one who made you — the Lord of heavenly forces is his name.The one redeeming you is the holy one of Israel, the one called the God of all the earth. 6 As an abandoned and dejected woman the Lord has summoned you; as a young wife when she is rejected, says your God.

    Ultimately, the words of survivors here, of those that saw God do what no man could or would do in provision, in comfort, in all that was needed are the words of overcomers. They become the words that provide bread for someone elses journey to freedom and to the souls true home, which is Jesus. The words of our testimonies of God’s help in the journey to freedom matter to God and to each other and to all survivors. Revelation 12:11Amplified Bible (AMP)

    11 And they overcame and conquered him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, for they did not love their life and renounce their faith even when faced with death.

    (not death by the hands of abuser but the death of our own comfort zone when we step out in faith into the unknown, trusting God to keep, help and guide)

  11. Survivor

    Thank you, Jeff, for being so succinct and direct. Thank you for standing up.

    We have utterly no power to move, breathe or have our being, let alone stand and fight the good fight of faith and a clear conscience, apart from the power of Christ/Jesus’ Holy Spirit.

    This war is based in the spiritual realm, i.e. coming from the principalities and powers of the Adversary of grace&truth (Jesus Christ in English, Yeshuah Ha Mashiach in Hebrew), our Saviour and Redeemer, THE way, THE truth, THE light.

    Thank you for shining in the darkness with such penetrating, ever-expanding, conquering light!

    Let each and every one in the Christian world who stands on the side of grace&truth be blessed with the protection and provision of love itself, our Father God.

    • Anotheranon

      Survivor, Thank you for these encouraging words! You have blessed me this evening.
      I have been very worried about what the abuser will do to me during the divorce proceedings, but you have reminded me to keep trusting that God will work out His perfect will no matter what.
      And thank you Jeff for your constant vigilance, care and concern.
      Thanks to Barbara and everyone who shares their stories here. We can strengthen each other and keep pointing them to Jesus, our Good Shepherd.

      • Survivor

        Anotheranon, God bless you, sweet heart! I will tell you that what moves my heart every time from the camp of fear/terror to the camp of our Lord (faith/rest) is looking up my Father’s promises to me, His beloved, ASKING Him to do what He said He would do then THANKING Him before any evidence is seen for fulfilling His Word (which He declares does not return to Him empty, but accomplishes what He desires and achieves the purpose for which He sent it). (Is 55)

        So:
        Thank you Father, that I will NOT die but live and recount Your deeds/give my testimony (by which all things are overcome along with the blood of the Lamb)! (Ps 118 and Rev)
        Thank you, Father, that NO weapon formed against me shall prosper and EVERY tongue that rises up against me shall be condemned. (You are my refuge and my fortress – my high tower!) (Ps 37 and Ps 91)
        Thank you that You are faithful to establish me and guard me from the evil one. (2 Thess 3)
        Thank you that Your favour/grace surrounds me like a shield – you lift up my head! (Ps 5 and Ps 3)
        I am the redeemed and I walk on the holy (high)way. (Is 35)
        Terror shall not come near me because the Lord is the strength of my life and He always causes me to triumph in Christ Jesus.
        I am guarded with an angel army garrison – I am very happy about this!

        Even so, read Esther – she was terrified – yet still knew, live or die, she (and the people of the Lord) belonged to the Lord and His good will would be done. He was faithful and just to repay whatever was lost. The fight of faith is to continue facing or turning again to God if and when you realize you are facing the wrong way, demonstrating that you are placing your trust in His mercy and favour/grace, His goodnesses and tender mercies, His powerful arm. This is not passivity! It takes every ounce of will when you face assault, danger and death. Thank God that He gives us the desire, will and ability to do this!

        Whatever losses may come, remember that ALL things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes. This is very hard if you end up being homeless, with your children (mercy! mercy!). This is very hard if you are ruthlessly accused of false and terrible things in a public court by strangers as well as your criminally violent (and arrested, convicted and jailed for such) ex-husband and father of your children – then horrified to see him being given the benefit of the doubt and entrusted with the care of your children on weekends! This is very hard if you discover your toddler has been being sexually abused by the agency-accredited woman you screened and hired to care for him during the day while you went to school to get your degree so you could give your children a future and a hope.

        I didn’t know the love of God or the power of His Word back then; all I knew was what I had been taught in church: obey the Ten Commandments so God will see that I am a good person and won’t be angry with me and punish me.

        I went into a deep shock at what happened to me and my kids and am still recovering. I see the sparks of light that are multiplying into a flame, then flames into a fire. God is amazing – ALL things consist in Christ.

        We see through a glass darkly – though the light IS dawning. God is faithful and true – even when you tell Him you can’t talk to Him because you don’t understand Him anymore – even when you turn and rebel out of the mind-altering excruciating pain. One day we’ll see the how and why of everything – and see how He turns ashes into beauty, resurrected dry bones into beautiful glorious forever life.

        The angels marvel that we who haven’t even seen Jesus or walked with Him in the flesh believe in Him and believe that what He says is true. That we stand on this and walk into our promised future and hope astounds them – such faith! This is precisely what overcomes the world! (1 John 5)

        PS Our Lord and Saviour remitted not just the full payment at the cross, but way over and far above every amount exacted by the law for any and every sin – and – defeated the Adversary soundly, completely, utterly and forever, so He could wash us clean and clothe us in His glorious garments. Every time you take communion, He says you remember Him/call Him to remembrance/remind Him of what He did and that you know what He did for you there. In so doing, you proclaim the truth to the entire spiritual realm, angels and demons, that our Redeemer is ALIVE and well and He has done a perfect work so we can live and be in love relationship with Him forever. This a powerful, powerful action that God absolutely honours. Recognize Him as the great man/God that He is. Acknowledge Him in all your ways ….

  12. healingInHIm

    Very well stated. Thank you Pastor Crippen for being a voice for those who are exhausted from trying to get others to “listen” and believe us.

    • Anonymous

      I recall once having to go in to a very difficult situation and face someone who had intentions to stifle me with regard to the abusive situation I was in. I had myself an emotional wreck thinking what will I say. I fasted and prayed 24 hours prior to the meeting and the Lord gave me this:

      “… Do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you” (Matthew 10:19).

      I literally witnessed this person while trying to talk go dead silent in the middle of a sentence… tongue-tied and babbling was all that would come out. In that moment all words to come back at me were completely removed from this person who formerly severely criticized, put me down and judged me harshly. To this very day I stand astonished at how the Lord gave me not only the courage to go to that meeting, but delivered on His promise that the Holy Spirit would speak through me. He always delivers on His promises!!

  13. marriedwithouthusband

    I filed for divorce today. Even though my husband psychologically and physically abandoned me years ago, it still feels terrible. I will be better off after the divorce, but only because my income and retirement assets and the house will be protected from his and his family’s financial neglect and misbehavior.

    • Bitter But Getting Better

      CONGRATULATIONS Marriedwithouthusband!!!!!

  14. Lost

    Yeah this is how my husband portrayed me as he had the child support reduced while we were separated and he was in the process of divorcing me. I was taking him for all he had – yeah right. We lived below poverty level. I took very good care of us still even so. The emotional and mental damage is what I can’t heal from bc it’s still happening. Cycle after cycle. You’d think it’s over but then it’s not. he made great promises and did big actions yet here I am- isolated, hated, destroyed.

    Somebody please tell me why doesn’t God do the things He did in the Old Testament anymore? Pillar of salt? Snakes? Etc Why do these abusers get away with these things? Why doesn’t He speak like He did then?

    Also I’m paralyzed emotionally and stuck. Don’t want to do a thing. Lots to be done but don’t care inside anymore. I’m very angry and I yell often. No one here acknowledges my existence. I feel backed into a corner and he’s pointing at me – the kids don’t respect me either. They’re nasty verbally to me. They cling to him. They all avoid me like the plague. I look like the one who is wrong.

    • standsfortruth

      Hi Lost. I hear you.
      My abuser (the children’s father), alienated my children from me by always giving them an option when I attempted to create any form of “work ethic” in them.
      Instead of getting behind me when I gave them instructions to do a job, my abuser would see that as an opportunity to “one-up my parenting authority”, and give them a more pleasing job or an option to trump my plan.

      Well of course if it spells more fun to the children now, and a work later plan — then the kids were all over that idea.
      And in the end guess who got stuck with the work that didn’t get done? You guessed it.
      And guess whose adult children don’t have a clue about work ethic today?
      Those same kids.
      My abuser capitalized on exploiting these children’s weaknesses, and their desires to have fun without having any any balance of responsibility.
      He taught them to how to practice wrong priorities, and disrespect women, among other problems.

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