A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Poem of lament — by an anonymous reader

Love ❤
Is patient
And is kind
It is not proud
Is not puffed up
It thinks no evil

You have broken my heart
My heart being so tender has been further broken by you.

You say you loved me but you critiqued me nearly every day. You humiliated me in a group or with your best friend. You never tried to find a dream and make it happen. You tried to dampen my dreams .. suppress me and make me what you wanted me to be.

Your rage was like a knife that cut deep in my heart …  your words were painful like the sting of a viper

Your criticism
Your lectures
Your lack of empathy
Your poor me mentality
Your lack of respect in the bedroom
Your harsh ways

Had me walking on egg shells and fearing the consequences of my actions, my behaviour or something I said. Sometimes wondering what mood I’d be dealing with when you walked in the door

My heart is broken. . It is closed. I cannot open it up to any one. I have to protect myself from more pain.

I thought you were my rock
My rock I could cling to when things were tough
Instead I got buffeted about by the huge waves that hit against me. My man was not my rock he was a storm

Each wave .. each hit of the viper’s venom wore me down more and more to a place of no strength
My heart bleeding and broken to a point of almost disrepair

Anxious depressed weary I went about asking for help. I being a desperate women needing understanding and support
NOONE .. NOONE at all was there .. ALONE … desperately alone

My heart is dead .. my heart is shut .. never to let another in .. not you not anybody will ever be trusted with my heart again.

I trusted you .. I gave myself to you .. I believed you … I loved you … YOU were not and are not worthy of my love nor my heart …

A tender rose … with delicate petals needing love and lots of it

A butterfly weak and vulnerable with wings still yet to dry .. needing understanding .. nurturing … and patience. .. the wings a beautiful purple and royal blue .. a princess butterfly arrayed in beauty … unable to fly .. unable to be free … a prisoner to the tree it was bound to

I am a princess, arrayed with beauty and jewels of The King. He watches over me and has collected every tear I have cried in a bottle. He is my King… my Father and my Husband. He is faithful to me when I am so faithless.

I will one day forgive you but I can never love again.. never open my heart up nor my soul. I am damaged beyond repair…

 

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18 Comments

  1. Tee3

    Thank you for the poem. It describes everything I’m going through.

  2. Sarah

    I get this. I have felt this, I feel this. I know that our abusers want us to feel this way. Beaten down. I know they never want us to love again. I know for them, that feels like a victory.

  3. Annie

    I wish I could give this to my husband to show him what his done to me. But that’s a fantasy. He would use it as evidence of how horrible I am that I would accuse him of such things and at the same time use it to hurt me even more.

    Because my husband always spends most of our arguments talking about himself I once wrote down a few things he was doing that hurt me and gave it to him. I thought he didn’t know and I assumed he would want to stop if he knew. I was wrong of course. A normal person might be hurt but eventually a conversation would work it out. My husband used it as justification to hurt me more because that proved to him how awful I am. I never occurred to me that would happen. I sincerely believed until that time that he wouldn’t want to be the way he is if he knew the effects of his behavior. Of course, since reading posts at this site I know he chooses to be that way.

    The phrase “poor me” jumped out at me. That was one of the early attitudes of my husband. It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost an inside joke among me and the kids. For example, I’ll say there’s two cookies left and one will say give them to dad so he knows someone loves him. They all recognize how sad it is for a middle-aged man to act like a wounded puppy around a family who’s never done anything but try to be a good and happy family.

    • lonelywife

      Annie, I get it. My H keeps his past wrapped around him like an old security blanket…”this is what happened to me, so this is why I am the way I am!”

      The sad thing is that, yes, his father was an alchoholic…a functioning alcoholic, who held a job his whole life…and yes, he had a bitter, angry mother.

      But my life wasn’t a bed of roses either…my parents were very strict, and I’ve had zero support from my mom since my husbands affair 5 yrs ago, in fact, sadly, she says that we were BOTH at fault…I guess because I’m not a “perfect” wife. 😦

      I don’t try to talk to my H anymore…it does me no good, in fact, trying to talk to him only increases my frustration level, so it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve come to accept that my marriage is dead.

      I live my own life, I enjoy my friends while my H has NO friends. I enjoy my children and the relationship I have with them, my H has NO relationship with them, in fact, my 2nd oldest son recently said that he dreads the weekends, because his dad will be home. I enjoy my ministries at my church, and again, my H is involved in NO ministries, but complains about my involvement at church….unless of course, our Pastor is involved, then he’s all smiles.

      I’ve reached the point where I can actually feel sorry for my H. He’s a sad man, who is a huge fake at church, and has no friends or family, he cut his family out of his life over 3 yrs ago, because his dad “abused” him, and it’s HIS dad’s fault that he acts the way he does…BUT, if he hated the way he grew up, umm, wouldn’t he WANT to act differently??

      I would love to separate, but at my age, and being a stay at home mom for over 30 yrs, it would really hurt me financially…I’m just trying to be content with what I do have and I’ve stopped dreaming of having a Godly, romantic, loving husband.

      My H isn’t verbally abusive, he just shuts me out, we aren’t affectionate nor do we have intimate conversation, and I shouldn’t miss what I’ve never had, but strangely, I do.

      It does help that a couple of my close friends have lonely marriages also…I lean on them and they lean on me for support when we get really down.

      • layla1111

        lonelywife,
        My ex-abuser did that also shortly before we separated, lashed out as his family for “making him how he is” and not calling him out on being abusive. That very day one of his brothers (the one who has actually suffered some repercussions for his criminal behavior when much younger and abusiveness) tried to call him to tell him to stop being abusive, so my now-ex abuser’s reaction was to refuse to answer the phone when he called and then blocked his phone number. They just go through every excuse they can to stay the way they are. It’s so sad but true how the writer of the poem feels she cant love anyone again. That is what they want. They just want to kill other people’s spirits.

  4. surviving freedom

    This is beautiful and so accurate. I have been struggling so much this past few weeks with exactly what this poem expresses. It saddens me that you experienced this, but it is also helps me know that I am not alone where I am at right now. Thank you so much for the reminder that God is there, watching over me … it is just what I needed to be reminded of.

  5. Song of Joy

    Such a heartbreaking, yet beautifully expressed lament. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    I was amazed to see this message this morning, because last night I did my personal bible study on 1 Corinthians 13. I was trying to meditate on “what does real love look like”; and by using scripture as a guide, “what does loveless-ness look like.” It would be the exact opposite of the 1 Corinthians 13 attributes. Here is what I wrote in my journal:

    Impatient
    Unkind, harsh
    Envious
    Boastful
    Proud
    Acts dishonorably, unseemly
    Self-seeking, selfish, self-centered
    Easily angered
    Keeps a record of “wrongs”, holds grudges
    Enjoys evil, unrighteousness
    Lies
    Doesn’t protect or support others
    Lacks belief and trust
    Lacks hope
    Lacks endurance and perseverance
    Fails others

    • Annie

      Thank you Song of Joy. This is helpful to see. One thing jumped out at me was “holds grudges”. My husband has accused me of this so many times especially if I would point out how he’s repeatedly done something that hurt me. The simple act of pointing it out is a grudge to him. I can’t say don’t tease me because that’s a grudge and I need to get a sense of humor. To me holding a grudge is you act out against a person in some way because you are mad at them for something and you hold it against them. This is my husband. He can take normal human failings or even just different ways of approaching things and twist them into acts against him. He will hold this against me for days, weeks, and years. One time he didn’t talk to me for a month and I had no idea. But apparently I said or did something. I couldn’t even remember anything it might have been, When I finally said something to him about it he couldn’t tell me what he was mad about.

      When I step back now and compare how my husband tries to make me look with how I am it is rather amazing the difference. Thankfully, my children have seen me as me. They spent less time with him by his choice (I used to be bothered by this but now I am glad). They love to tease me that I’m a big marshmallow inside even though I do have rules and standards I taught them to live by. So when they hear him accuse me of holding grudges they reassure me later they know that’s not true.

      • surviving freedom

        Same goes with “keeps a record of wrongs,” for the abuser in my life if I was to even mention, or he thought I was referring, to some past wrong-doing of his or point out a repeated pattern of ongoing behavior than I was being unforgiving or bitter and I was condemned, criticized, and made out to be a nag and eventually he used this to play the victim.

        However, whenever he was confronted with a wrong-doing of his own, he had no problem using a past “sin” I had done (either real or imagined), even 20 year old ones that I had long repented of, as an excuse or diversion from what he was doing.

        And if I wouldn’t accept his blame, or if I would get angry that he would keep holding it against me as an excuse to do whatever he wanted or a reason to justify his abuse … then he would claim to me and to whomever else he could that I was not appreciative of how much I’d hurt him in the past or, again, that I was the unrepentant abuser.

      • Anonymous

        Annie,
        Yes! The grudges they hold! I didn’t realize that it was a grudge until decades into my marriage–he would just bring up an old festering wound he had over something I’d done or said, while we were fighting or in order to start a fight.

        When God started releasing me from the shackles my husband had me tied up with I really started to rack up a boatload of these “grudges.” There were so many in fact, that my husband could no longer keep track of them all. (Shows you just how much abuse I had endured in order to avoid having him unhappy with me prior to this.) I no longer tried to please him or tried to smooth things over; I had quit going to church (so he couldn’t use the people there to get to me) and I even let go of following many social norms that he had used in the past to bind me up with fear and shame. I started to set my boundaries, not caring if he disapproved or if others disapproved, and I prayed constantly, memorized scripture and let myself be sweet in my heart–towards myself. I cried when something touched my heart (I had learned to be stoic) and started allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to me, to LOVE me, because I came to realize that I had been taught to abuse myself in my heart and mind by both my husband and family. Oh, and I prayed that God would make it so that nobody believed my husbands lies– that people would see how evil he was. Once I stepped back and refused to be a couple with him (to be his cover) and they were left with just him, everyone abandoned him.

        I love the Song Of Joy list above and it goes right with 2 Tim 3 about what people will be like in the end times:

        lovers of self
        lovers of money
        proud
        arrogant
        abusive
        disobedient to their parents
        ungrateful,
        unholy
        heartless
        unappeasable
        slanderous
        without self-control
        brutal
        not loving good
        treacherous
        reckless
        swollen with conceit
        lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God
        having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

  6. I hear you and boy do I understand. I’ve sung this song so many, many dark nights with only brokenness for company. But I’m so thankful to report that what I thought was impossible turned out to be possible with God. It’s been 5 plus years but God is making a way through the darkness.

  7. LookingBack

    I do not believe you are damaged!! You are grieving. Your heart mourns and feels the pain and loss because your soul has been wounded by the betrayal of the one you loved and trusted.
    But you are loved. Beyond imagination. And this dark horrific night will pass. One day you will look back on this. The days will again be bright and sweet … and your life will again be full of promise … and you will again dream dreams. Your sleep will be deep and full and sweet. In the morning there will be songs of promise … and hope. May our dear Lord sustain you as he has sustained so many others. I used to say, “I look forward to looking back” But in truth they were not words of hope … I too was told I was damaged … and believed it to be true. It is a lie. Told by the enemy of our souls.
    There will be hope, and love, and faithful friends and sweet promises kept. Joy, there will be joy and dreams and the freedom to choose. To even make mistakes. And try again. And learn and trust and delight in the true lover of your soul.
    You have been deceived and betrayed but not damaged. The one who tries to destroy you, he is the damaged one.
    You are precious and beloved. You don’t know it yet, but you will. You will!

    • You are a survivor! One day, you will wake up and God will have made you strong again, the pain endured to be just a shadow. It will take time to heal the wound. God will take you into his arms to comfort you. I sometimes wonder why God allows things to happen but I have overcome and so will you. Believe in Jesus and he will give you peace and joy again.

  8. Tersia

    Wow, could not describe it better. Brings tears to my eyes as i recall everything that happened. My heart still aches even years later from all the hurt and abuse. Will it ever go away? Will i ever feel normal and strong again? Only time will tell.

  9. Kay

    I like the poem. It reflects exactly what I went through. Abuse profoundly changes a woman, but God is able to eventually bring healing to a heart that has been crushed and trampled upon.

  10. Moving Forward

    I am where you are at, and accept it. In the brokenness and pain God is our Father, Christ our husband, and He loves us with an everlasting love that I enjoy learning about every day. There was a time love was broken in me – it was an awful feeling. I didn’t believe I could love anyone, even my parents and children. I asked the one who caused that hole to model love for me so I could learn to love again. Now I understand why he couldn’t. Now I go to God, and know I can love my children and parents, and be loved by God and them. But give my heart to another man – not likely. I am OK with that, though I am angry that the one I gave my heart to for decades, so naive, trusting, hopeful – cast it aside and took away forever my only earthly chance at the innocent, romantic love I had dreamed of. If love were to come again, and I don’t want it to, it would be cautious, testing, uncertain. Though it may blossom and grow, it is a sad way to start, and I just don’t want to go there. For me, Christ is sufficient for now and eternity.

    • I understand. The hurt is so deep. I think of all those years … wasted? When I look at my life, I wonder. Don’t we all seek that loving relationship? I wanted to have it on this earth but for now, I will have to wait for heaven …

  11. Hi Guest Poster, I believe you.
    Thank you for sharing your hearts tender story.
    I know deep in my heart that the horrific things that happened to me, have altered the way I look at life and will go forward.
    I too am waiting for our Lord and Savior as my one and only true Husband.
    The damage that was done to a trusting heart is too extensive.
    However I dont think of myself as someone that needs to be fixed, but on the contrary.
    Even though in some ways I could view myself as an outsider, I instead consider myself one who is an insider.
    One in a position to help others, because of my personal experience, and knowledge about evil.

    In any event, I am hopeful now that I am away from my abuser, that similar to Joseph’s story from the old testament, “What man has intended for evil in my life, God can still use for good”.

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