A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Examples of the Wicked Things “Christians” are Telling Abuse Victims

The word of the LORD came to me: “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy, and say to them, even to the shepherds, Thus says the Lord GOD: Ah, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. (Ezekiel 34:1-4)
There is a description of the kind of ministry God has called pastors and members of Christ’s church to. Feed the sheep, strengthen the weak, heal the sick, bind up the injured, bring back the strays, seek out the lost. Don’t look to yourself and seek self-glory. Don’t Lord it over them with force and harshness. But the evil shepherds of Ezekiel’s day did just the opposite. Just like the Pharisees and scribes and other leaders in Jesus’ day. And just like in OUR present day. Here is a real life, current example of a false shepherd (probably an abuser himself) lording it over one of Christ’s sheep. She writes:
A leader from my old church told me yesterday he refused to believe it was all my husband’s fault. I played a part. I was told to submit and he claims the word from the Lord was I would die bitter and not fulfill my calling if I divorce my husband. But the Lord didn’t tell him my husband was going to prostitutes using drugs and drinking. He also said I’m controlling. Because I wouldn’t let my kids around his family, that use cocaine…I showed him all my husband is doing recently, going to bars buying women drinks trying to pick them up bring them home but not giving us money. . .yet he told me  that my husband is a good guy and needed me to fight for the marriage.
What are words like that? They are the words of the evil one oppressing a true daughter of Abraham. One can and must conclude that such a “church leader” is an abuser himself, using his evil words to this poor lady as a means of justifying his own wickedness. Men like this, in my opinion, hate women. They oppress women. They take the teachings of God’s Word about marriage, divorce, husbands and wives, and pervert and twist those scriptures to their own evil ends.
Here is still another example of this venom from the tongue. This example comes from the MANY such evil statements made on our Facebook page recently. We delete such statements and ban those who write them because A Cry for Justice is a place where victims are safe, vindicated, believed, and helped. Abusers and their allies are not welcome. The first statement below is GOOD and is made by a righteous lady defending the abuse victim (this post was in regard to the Saeed Aberdini case where he has been exposed as an abuser). Then comes the “pious” arrogant words of the abuser’s ally:

Friend of the Victim: Just let me say one thing. A man of God will not abuse his wife. They are one if they are married. He would not abuse his wife because she is part of him. If the abuse doesn’t stop I would have to say good-by. God doesn’t want anyone to be abused.

Ally of the Abuser: You would be amazed at how many pastors in thriving ministries abuse their wives, are involved in pornography or other sexual sins. Men of God are not perfect. Attitudes such as yours make it all but impossible for these hurting men (and their wives) to openly get help. Been there, done that.
Friend of the Victim: A man who calls himself by the name of Christ and who is unrepentant of his sins against his wife, himself, and God, is not “a man of God.”
So, Ally of the Abuser, you maintain that the rankest abuse and evil can be a regular part of a “man of God’s” life and the church is bound to support him and keep him in his ministry! You dismiss the most horrid evils with a wave of your hand and a “men of God are not perfect” declaration. So, you would believe that Bill Gothard is a man of God and should still be in ministry. You believe that, well, the devil himself is just a “hurting” fellow who needs our help. There is, by the way, one true statement in what you say. “You would be amazed at how many pastors in thriving ministries abuse their wives, are involved in pornography or other sexual sins.” That is absolutely true. What is revolting is that you excuse that evil, condone their continued oppression of victims, and insist that God is blessing and using them. That is just about as twisted of a statement that I have heard this year.
So, you see, these are the terrible hurtful lying falsehoods that abuse victims in the “Christian” church are regularly hit with. This is not Christ. It is not the gospel. It is not God’s Word. It is of the evil one and his children who have crept in among us in disguise. May the Lord continue to enable us to tear off that disguise and reveal the evil for what it is.
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39 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Notice that it’s ALL on the one who is doing what’s RIGHT to carry the weight/burden/responsibility of the relationship when we receive advice from those who belong to their father the devil. But GOD himself doesn’t say this. When God determines blame and responsibility he puts it squarely on the one doing wrong/evil and defends the innocent against them. Opposites. Opposes. In opposition to. Against. The bible verses we have heard so many times before but are still so true: Ephesians 6:12, “For our battle is not AGAINST flesh and blood, but AGAINST the rulers, AGAINST the authorities, AGAINST the world powers of this darkness, AGAINST the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.” and 2 Thessalonians 2:4, “He will OPPOSE and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.”

    Sadly, most of us have been conditioned by the church and society to deny the fact that there is evil and that, whether we like it or not, we have an enemy who is ACTIVELY against us if we belong to the Lord. It’s said on this website often but I’d like to say it again, these friends of the abuser are often of the same womb as the abuser himself–siblings and children of their father the devil. And as Jesus pointed out in Luke 11:17, “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.”” The devils children will always and naturally be against those who belong to Jesus. In a way, this helps us ferret out who is who. If a so called “friend” of ours sees the abuse we endure from the evil one in our life, yet continues to deny us at the very LEAST, the right to talk about how this effects us, we should no longer consider them a friend. Because at this point and time they are being used by the evil one and we need to deny them access to our hearts and minds. Did I mention how HARD this all is? Well the bible tells us that God knows how hard it will be in 2 Tim 3:1, “You must realize, however, that in the last days difficult times will come.” The word for difficult here is used only twice in the bible and means: “irksomely hard to bear; fiercely difficult to cope with because so harsh (even injurious).”

    How about a Funland for evil ones? A place where they could go and be free to be their evil selves? Where they could have endless perverted sexual encounters, do unlimited kinds and amounts of drugs, rape and pillage and murder till their hearts content–without the confines of society to keep them from being their natural selves? All with their own kind? I’ve often wondered about this because with technology, we can see if a person has the brain functioning of a psychopath. Thus far there has never been a person like this who’s brain functioning is that of a psychopath, who has been made into a non-psychopath, although you’d think the experts would be trying desperately to do this so they could help all of us. (Never gonna happen by the way, according to the bible.) So let’s let these evil ones be evil away from us right? But that’s not how they operate. They love to be AGAINST someone and if they are only with those who are evil like themselves, they have no one to OPPOSE so they are not fulfilling their role and will never be content. They also thrive on secrets and deceit and lies, and if all around them are the same as them, there is nobody to harm or deceive. Are you getting a glimpse of the truth of the evil that we are dealing with? This website has known it for years now and we are blessed to have it. ACFJ, have I said thank you today for your ministry? THANK YOU!

    • RomansEightOne

      Anonymous, one of the scriptures you mentioned:
      Luke 11:17, “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.”
      Is one that my husband has used against me many many times, whenever I have had a legitimate complaint about his behavior or treatment of the children and me. His twisting of it was to mean that for me to be ‘causing division’ in the home by having any issue with his terrible behavior,I was going to cause the downfall! Ugh
      If all of the evil people were to all go to the same place, they would be miserable because it’s hard for a con artist to con another con artist. They would all ‘have each others’ number’ and where’s the fun in that?

      • Sorry, RomansEightOne,
        your comment of Luke 11:17 brings to mind the United States present president election. The exact words hold true for our present situation.

    • For Too Long

      “Notice that it’s ALL on the one who is doing what’s RIGHT to carry the weight/burden/responsibility of the relationship when we receive advice from those who belong to their father the devil.”

      Anonymous – you hit the nail on the head with that! Here’s a brief excerpt from one of smy email responses to the elders of my church: “I have no idea what you all want from me. It seems like the weight of this situation has been put on me – who is the victim – and _____, the abuser, gets away with whatever he likes. This should not be.”

    • grace551

      So agree about ACFJ’s ministry.

    • … the bible tells us that God knows how hard it will be in 2 Tim 3:1, “You must realize, however, that in the last days difficult times will come.” The word for difficult here is used only twice in the bible and means: “irksomely hard to bear; fiercely difficult to cope with because so harsh (even injurious).”

      I can’t remember whether you’ve mentioned that before, Anonymous, about the word appearing only twice in scripture, but if you had, I’d forgotten. Thanks for saying it!

    • A Fun-Land for evil ones, reminds me of the end of the Roman Empire.

    • Anon

      This article was partially written regarding what happen to me and yes I would like to say this leader does have the same past as my ex husband. In regards to adultery, drinking and drugs.

      • Hi Anon
        welcome to the blog 🙂 We changed your screen name to ‘Anon’ to protect your safety.

        We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

  2. Tanya

    I finally got the courage up to go to a church again after a long hiatus only to be told by a “sister” That she hadnt personally experienced any of the things i had said about the “christian” sociopath i had been involved with, so she didnt want to judge a “brother” (yes i found out she knows people that know the sociopath) Her comment felt like an electric shock. I have been agonising over whether to go back or not, as it took me a good year to even get to know a few people, so far i havnt managed to go back, i dont think i will be able to.

    • healinginhim

      Tanya — ((hugs to you)) … oh, your experience is so painful as I’ve had the same type of remarks made to me as I have attempted ‘several’ times to go back into a ‘c’hurch.
      The ‘c’hurch is filled with the same people I am trying to avoid as I shop or at a place of employment. They feel that because ‘he’ is nice to them; obviously I’m making it all up. 😦

      Don’t ever feel forsaken. You have like-minded friends at ACFJ who are defending the truth of God’s Word.

    • KayE

      That sort of thing happens to me all the time. Recently I had to contact some church people to get some desperately needed backup for my children because my ex and his family were being very cruel to them. I was told sternly by one person, “I know you and he have been separated and he has a new partner and I’m not going to take sides.”

  3. Tanya

    I tried to make a comment but its just not there? Is there a reason for this?

    • Hi Tanya,

      Yes, comments don’t appear right away because we moderate each comment with the goal of keeping ACFJ a safe place for victims. And depending on our moderators’ schedule (they are all volunteers) some time could pass before a comment is approved.

  4. healinginhim

    Thank you for another “truthful” post.
    And ANONYMOUS stated it very well, “They also thrive on secrets and deceit and lies, and if all around them are the same as them, there is nobody to harm or deceive. Are you getting a glimpse of the truth of the evil that we are dealing with? This website has known it for years now and we are blessed to have it. ACFJ, have I said thank you today for your ministry? THANK YOU!”

  5. bright sunshinin' day

    In this post, Jeff said:

    There is, by the way, one true statement in what you [the abuser] say. ‘You would be amazed at how many pastors in thriving ministries abuse their wives, are involved in pornography or other sexual sins.’ That is absolutely true. What is revolting is that you excuse that evil, condone their continued oppression of victims, and insist that God is blessing and using them.”

    The perverted mindset of those who claim that just as Jesus covered our sins, so we are to cover and excuse evil is revolting. Show me one passage in the Bible where Jesus covered over sins without calling one to repentance? You won’t find it. Rather, Jesus coupled “putting off” sins (repentance) with “putting on” the Lord Jesus Christ (good fruit of repentance). Even the thief on the cross repented and demonstrated good works (fruit of repentance) by believing Jesus’ promises.

    An inspiring movie to watch, which vividly shows the courage of journalists to expose the evils going on in the church arena in an effort to help victims of abuse, is Spotlight.

  6. Tan

    Thank you so much Healinginhim i so appreciate that.
    I absolutely love this website, it an oasis in a desert, im so so thankful that it exists, i dont comment much, im also on a forum for people recovering from narc/socio/psychopaths, but i always read the posts here, and as you said they are defending the truth of God’s word. AMEN. thank you so so much to the founders of this site, i cant express my gratefulness, God bless you.

    Ahh thanks for explaining Twbtc

    Any advice here for where to find likeminded people in real life?, it gets lonely.

  7. Not without my daughter

    Last year I was in court with my assailant. He had taken my daughter from me by false accusations with an emergency custody order. He had claimed I was abusing her. He based this on a police report he had written up the day my daughter ran away from me. Her outrageous behavior was escalating to the point she was cursing me and striking me – just as her father/my assailant was doing. I had her and her brother in therapy (still do). He took her in the middle of a school day. I didn’t know where she was for almost 3 days. He had dumped her at a friends house and left the state. He didn’t return until our court date. Since it was an emergency Exparte – there was nothing I could do but wait to hear the judge. When I received the Exparte, I immediately went to DSS and gave it to them. It claimed I was abusing my daughter. I told the DSS officer to please investigate me – for if these accusations are true to please put me in jail. They investigated and found nothing but my assailant’s arrest record and the files they had on his history of domestic violence on me & the children. DSS gave me a letter exonerating me.

    But on the day of court, my assailant speaks to my brother & father in private – saying it’s all my fault – that he didn’t know about our daughter’s outrageous behavior – that if I would just speak to him and communicate to him – this would never happen.

    I have a restraining order against him in its second year.

    My brother and father scolded me – agreeing with my assailant saying that I should be working with him instead of against him.

    I wasn’t playing against anything! My assailant is the one that keeps attacking and creating chaos! My assailant had taken our furniture – cut off all the utilities – and left me and the children the year prior. And the years of abuse and DSS involvement — I cried. I cried to my brother and father asking them how can they take his side? How can they even allow him to be in the same room with them? HE RAPED ME. HE PUNCHED ME. HE THREW ME DOWN THE STAIRS!……. My brother & father knew all these things over the years.

    Yet, they sided with him and is swayed by his words. Because “the children need their father…”

    • Dear Not without my daughter
      I believe you. And I am so glad that DSS believed you. They got it right!

      The way your father and brother have treated you is appalling. When those who should support us take the side of the abuser, it really really hurts!

      Abusers are masterful liars and skilled at recruiting allies. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? It has a whole chapter on The Abuser and His Allies.

      btw I’m not sure whether you have read our New Users Page yet, if not, here it is: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/for-new-users/

  8. kind of anonymous

    re Not without my daughter: Your kids need a father who isn’t raping and hurting their mother in the home they live in or any where else. your dad and brother are being cowardly weenies who are failing badly in their duty to be real men. I am so sorry you are experiencing such a crappy betrayal. You are not alone in having a crummy family that should be a safe place of love, value and protection but isn’t. Scant comfort I know. Some families are so underdeveloped and idolatrously sinful that they behave like sharks who smell blood in the water.

    An old pastor of mine once said a random line in the middle of a sermon that had nothing to do with his sermon, oddly. He said ” if you’re in a crazy family, get out and get a new one”. He didn’t mean offbeat, like say a family of artists who are dramatic and intense people who alwways have some hoopla going on because of that. He meant sick families who prey on one another and betray one another as a matter of course and who delight in tolerating evil. Such are those who aren’t interested in receiving truth and life, at least at this time barring a work of God in thier hearts. Some people bring such evil into our lives that we have to pray for them from a safe distance. Ask God for a new family if you like and take your time in waiting on Him to make sure its a family that truly loves God and obeys Him; there is a bible verse that says “God places the lonely in families”. And another that recounts that when a group of people would not receive Jesus, He continued on His way”.

    You would think that seeing that eternal life is at stake when we reject Jesus, you would think He would hang around begging and pleading with them to repent trying to find the right words to break through their blindness and denial, trying and trying again. But He didn’t. He accepted their no and reality that it represented. I’ve often wondered why I’ve never heard a sermon on THAT verse! or why that verse gets neglected in laying heavy responsibility on those who are not the ones causing the problem. May God bring victory and healing for you quickly. ((((( ))))))

  9. I continue to be astounded at these kinds of things. A “godly pastor who abuses his wife” is a lot like saying “a reprobate Christian” a “square circle”, or “waterless water”. It makes no sense.
    Since Christians are the salt of the earth, it is no wonder that words have become meaningless in our society. Postmodernism isn’t just something that “others” believe. It started right in the church! If this statement is true: “a godly minister who abuses his wife” , then words have no meaning. If a man can self-identify as a Christian even though he has all the marks of the devil, then how can we protest if a man wants to self-identify as a woman? Isn’t it the same thing?

    But if we want to uphold reality, we have to say, “No; you are a man. You have all the parts of a man, and your self-identity is false.”
    Don’t we then also have to say, “No. You are not a godly man. You are not a Christian. You have all the parts of a son of Belial. Your self-identity is false.”

    The bible says that a reviler and a drunkard will not inherit eternal life. It can’t say it any clearer. You can be one or the other. Christians inherit eternal life. Revilers do not. Therefore, revilers are not Christians. Pretty simple syllogism.

    The same evil exists in these statements:
    He’s working on his marriage
    He’s trying to change
    Ugh. Why are these statements acceptable? Would we use them with a murderer? “He’s working on not killing people.” He’s working on not raping and pillaging. He’s working on not robbing liquor stores at gunpoint.

    I once knew of a man who was confronted by his church for his adulterous relationship and he said, “Can I taper off?”
    Why is this any different. You don’t “work on not abusing your wife!” I can’t believe I have to even write that!!!!!

    The fact is this: You are either a Christian or you are not. You are either a child of the devil or a child of God. You don’t “work on it”. You either are or not!
    In the words of Yoda, “There is no try. Do. Or do not.”
    (I can’t believe I just quoted Yoda. How sad is it that Yoda is wiser than so many church leaders!)

    I’m going to put this on my blog.
    Where’s the Tylenol? I got myself right worked up!
    Thanks, Jeff and Barbara for the work you do!
    Those that follow this blog, remember this. Jesus came to give you rest. You should be safe and at rest at home and in the church. If you are not, please flee and join with the people of God. (There’s room in Yuba City! And Tillamook!) Find a church where the sheep are safe.

    • healinginhim

      Thank you getting worked up and encouraging us to find a ‘safe place’. Pray that we would have the physical and emotional strength required to move to another community. It’s not that easy when so many churches are very much like the world’s social clubs. 😦

      • I pray that the God of all strength will give you strength.

    • He’s working on his marriage … He’s trying to change

      Ugh. Why are these statements acceptable? Would we use them with a murderer? He’s working on not killing people. He’s working on not raping and pillaging. He’s working on not robbing liquor stores at gunpoint.

      AMEN! Thank you Sam!

  10. Reflecting On

    I was reflecting on another reason these defensive comments come out toward victims. They are defending themselves even more than the abuser. It’s not necessarily that they are abusive but they are confused as to what abuse is. They can think of times, which we all have, they mistreated others (which is different than persistent, non repentant abuse characteristic of “abusers”). They feel attacked & fear accusations against themselves. They can’t face & investigate & hold up to God’s light their own actions, so they attack, defend, minimize, avoid.

    As abuse victims, our groups have to look at this as part of recovery (often we have done wrong but the difference is a) it’s not persistent b) we are repentant/remorseful & work hard to change vs. The abuser type is persistent over long periods of time not really remorseful & not really willing to change.

    #2 The church image of maintaining marriage, it’s easier to force a victim to stay & put responsibility on them to weather/submit to abuse — because it is keeping marriages intact that churches measure & promote themselves as successful. To support a victim in leaving would require a different measuring tool like “how obedient to God are we” which is much more difficult.

    Victims, like myself, will heal (the church didn’t limit God) & eventually pity those robbed of God’s healing power going through them & not having the full benefit of God’s presence (absence of truth accountability & willingness to change).

    • Hi dear sister, I changed the screen name you gave in your comment, for your safety’s sake. Welcome to the blog.

      We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

    • Anonymous

      Reflecting,
      Most of us here understand what you are saying and guess what, those of us with empathy always do this–give the benefit of the doubt to others and try to understand why others would do this. One of the problems comes when we run into MANY of these people and for those of us deeply damaged after years of abuse and by many people who DON’T process empathy, we are worn out, broken, destroyed with PTSD, autoimmune disorders etc.

      It is not our job to fix others, or to accept abuse while we are waiting for others to notice it as abuse, And what you’ve written, “….so they attack, defend, minimize, avoid” are ABUSIVE actions whether it’s done as a defense mechanism or because a person doesn’t process the emotion of empathy.

      You wrote, ” To support a victim in leaving would require a different measuring tool…..,” you hit the nail on the head with that one — as it’s exactly what this website is trying to do. [ However,] the conclusion you reached though sounds like one of the many abusive conclusions we’ve had dumped on our heads, “how obedient to God are we” and the twisting of this belief is what has kept many of us in bondage to the evil one for far longer than it would have if we’ve had REAL experts teaching us God’s Word. The measuring tool is the one they were supposed to have been using all along — the Bible — God’s word — but instead of it being used rightly, the truth of it has been perverted and those who TRULY belong to Jesus are being abused and kept in bondage to the evil one, while those who belong to their father the devil are winning praise and applause for raping them.

      You wrote, “Victims, like myself, will heal (the church didn’t limit God) & eventually pity those robbed of God’s healing power going through them & not having the full benefit of God’s presence (absence of truth accountability & willingness to change).” I feel like you are saying that this should be our ultimate goal when dealing with abusers, their allies and the evil ones and demons. That we should “pity” them — feel sorry for them. Martha Stout in her book, “The Sociopath Next Door,” noted that ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE A SOCIOPATH DESIRES FOR US TO FEEL PITY TOWARD HIM. Why? Because when we feel pity for another we open ourselves up to them–we expose and extend our hearts to them — and as we know from God’s word we are too, “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The Bible tells us that when we run into a person described in 2 Tim 3:1-5 and Romans 1:29-31 we are to have nothing to do with such people.

      Our empathy is worth more than gold in this generation and is not to be spent on evil and its buddies. It should be used as God/Holy Spirit/Jesus intended it to be used – along with discernment, to help those who the Lord shows us need it – and this includes ourselves. We are not all one big blob of sameness and we need to remember this when it comes to the children of the Lord, we are each endowed with unique gifts that were given to us to serve the Lord and to be blessed as his children. These gifts were never meant to be wasted on serving the devil or his children and in fact the closer we are to Him, the more offended we will be by the abuse of these evil ones

      And I’d like to add that not ALL victims will heal as you stated in your post — not to the extent that they can or should put themselves back into the position where they will allow those who are “only” using abusive “defense mechanisms” to fend off dealing with truth and reality, back into their lives. You keep trying to include all of us in “your” abuse survivor group, I’m opting out. You wrote, “As abuse victims, our groups HAVE to look at this as part of recovery…………… Victims, like myself…” No. As I stated earlier, we are NOT all the same and when you stated that we have to look at this as part of recovery — giving abusive people the benefit of the doubt — well, we’ve done this for far too long and since this was not based on the truth of God’s word regarding evil ones, it is dangerous advice.

      • oh cripes, let me see if I can add a word here.

        When I read Reflecting’s words:

        The church image of maintaining marriage, it’s easier to force a victim to stay & put responsibility on them to weather/submit to abuse — because it is keeping marriages intact that churches measure & promote themselves as successful. To support a victim in leaving would require a different measuring tool like “how obedient to God are we” which is much more difficult.

        I understood her to be referring to the church: the church wrongly forcing victims to stay in the abuse, the church being disobedient to God by putting the goal of ‘keeping marriages intact’ over the wellbeing of abused spouses. When she said “to support a victim in leaving would require a different measuring tool like ‘how obedient to God are we are’ — I understood her to mean that churches which behave that way are NOT being obedient to God, but are taking the easy way out. A way that is easy for the church but very hard on the victim of abuse.

        So if I am right in those understandings, I believe that Anonymous and Reflecting are in agreement that the church is often doing wrong here. And it’s the church that needs to be more obedient to God, rather than abuse victims needing to be more obedient to God.

      • Reflecting On

        Good points. I am primarily talking about people who enable abusers & become extensions of their abuse (I.e. churches). I question why some become allies of abuse when they are supposed to protect victims. I wonder this because it hurts so many who go to the church first & are hurt instead of helped. I want to, as part of the church, change this. Ultimately, I don’t believe abusers & their allies can stop God from healing & setting people free. God is bigger. I am “more than a conquer”, wiser, stronger, whereas my abuser & his allies are still the same (wickedness or enabling it has an ultimate price because God is absent). I am not tech savvy & erroneously posted my comment before editing. It literally was a blurt I planned to fine tune. Sorry.

      • Thanks for this. I see you’ve used another screen name. If you want to change any of your screen names in any of your comments at this blog, please email both myself barbara@notunderbondage.com and TWBTC twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

      • healinginhim

        “…. those of us with empathy always do this–give the benefit of the doubt to others and try to understand why others would do this. One of the problems comes when we run into MANY of these people and for those of us deeply damaged after years of abuse and by many people who DON’T process empathy, we are worn out, broken, destroyed with PTSD, autoimmune disorders etc.”

        Oh my … this really nailed it for me. For many years, others have referred to me as an empathetic person. That’s why I have felt so disjointed as ‘he’ and the adult children have made terrible accusations making me feel like I am a ‘controller’?
        I stayed in this relationship because I would keep ‘giving the benefit of the doubt’ trusting a change would soon come.

        Barb is right about the church needing to be obedient. So much damage comes from this sin of neglect.

    • Hi Reflecting, can you please clarify what you meant in this paragraph:

      Victims, like myself, will heal (the church didn’t limit God) & eventually pity those robbed of God’s healing power going through them & not having the full benefit of God’s presence (absence of truth accountability & willingness to change).

      Are you referring to victims feeling pity for abusers? Or to victims feeling pity for the bystanders in the church who so often say very hurtful things to victims of abuse? There is a big difference, and as you can see if you’ve read Anonymous’s comment, it is very important to make clear who and what you are talking about.

      I agree with the point Anonymous made that the Bible says that the abusers of this world LOVE to get others to pity them. Eliciting pity from others is a big part of the abuser’s tactics of manipulation. The Bible actually advises us NOT to pity the heinous evildoer. Good psychologists like Martha Stout and Dr George Simon Jr affirm this truth.

      Here are a couple of our posts about this topic of pity:

      Nor Shall Your Eye Pity Him

      Do not Pity the Wicked: Abusers Use Pity as a Snare

      If I may, can I point out to you what I think was unfortunate wording on your part? I think that when you talked about “those robbed of God’s healing power going through them & not having the full benefit of God’s presence (absence of truth accountability & willingness to change)” you may not have phrased that very well. The problem is how you said the abusers have been ‘robbed’ of God’s power and presence, as if the abusers are victims — victims who have been ‘robbed’ or ‘deprived’ in some way of benefits that other people have enjoyed.

      I would like to suggest to you that the abuser always CHOOSES to reject God’s truth, power and presence. He fights against God. He fights against having to take responsibility. He has not been robbed; he has chosen to follow the path of evil. And even when those who surround an abuser do their best to make the abuser accountable, the abuser still typically resists.

      Would you like to rethink your wording?

    • One last thing — regarding the terms ‘defensive’ and ‘defence mechanisms’ I think the person who clarified this most for me is Dr George Simon Jr. In his book Character Disturbance (p 44 ff) he says that those terms are much misunderstood and much misused.

      He gives an example of a genuine defence mechanism: A woman who had been happily married for 40 years and her husband suddenly has a severe stroke. She sits at his bedside talking to him even though the hospital staff have told her that he can’t hear her. She talks about how he will be coming home soon with her and will get better, even though the doctors have said he will never recover. Her mind cannot face the facts of his stroke yet, and she can’t bear the grief yet, so her unconscious mind is using a defence mechanism. The term ‘defence mechanism’ is used accurately there.

      Then Dr Simon talks about disordered characters (people who have little or no conscience) and how they

      engage in certain behaviours so ‘automatic’ that it’s tempting to think they do them unconsciously. On the surface, these behaviours often so resemble defence mechanisms that they can easily be misinterpreted as such, especially by individuals immersed in traditional [psychological] paradigms. However, on closer inspection, many of these behaviours are more accurately regarded as tactics of manipulation, impression-management, and responsibility resistance. (p. 45)

  11. Reflecting on

    Does this clarification address your concern about “pity” and sounding like abusers don’t cause severe damage-which they certainly do?

    Abusive people promote the lie that they represent or are more powerful than God, They also believe they are above correction, they are always right. I am just trying to say that they are not more powerful than God, God is just and they will be held accountable. And I rebuke the lie that they are more powerful than God or that they have power over me. Any harm my abuser did do, God has turned to the good. I am free of threat and control. God has the upper hand. I have security in Him and no longer live in fear. The wicked can be redeemed, that is between them and God, not my job (despite what my abuser would say) but as a Christian I do have a heart for the lost. I recognize that their wickedness is a loss for them, even if they choose it. Christ died for abusers too and doesn’t want to lose any. So what does this godly care for the “lost” abuser look like: I loved my husband enough to let him have the full weight of he consequences of his actions, which for me meant prosecution and divorce (others it may be different), I pray that abusive people will come to the end of themselves, be broken and get new hearts/minds, that they will help other abusive people find God and become a new creations in Him, I pray the church will hold them accountable and protect victims as the Bible says.

  12. Tan

    Im no theologian, but i think there is a difference between a “lost” person and a wicked person (consistently), or reprobate person who has had their conscience seared. As far as i know sociopaths, narcissists don’t come to “the end of themselves” ever. They are very happy with who they are and enjoy causing pain to others, they feed off it.

  13. Anon

    Here is one thing you can not say, “he is a nice guy” because you see him at church every Sunday. You do NOT live with him. Anyone can put on a front for a few hours. Anyone can go to church and fool others. What is sick is when a person has a history of addiction to drugs, sex, destructive behavior but their friends whom are “leaders ” at church see them at church they side with them anyway because they must just be “lost”.

    • healinginhim

      Yes, Anon — the man I married is considered by most to be “a nice guy”. Years ago, he admitted “Anyone can put on a front for a few hours.” He said this regarding church and even about visiting with others. Now that he has shunned me from his life; he is visiting with siblings and others he never had a desire to be with.
      He had secrets which I tried to help him overcome. He says that he is fine now that we are sleeping separately; doesn’t have to worry about harming me, etc. Doesn’t desire me anyway anymore so I should be happy. So we are non-verbal which suits him just fine.

Trackbacks

  1. A Godly Abuser? Really? | My Only Comfort
  2. The Satanic Advice That’s Passed Around As Godly | I Prefer Captain

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