A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Here is a “Grateful Bride” Who Sorely Needs to Humble Herself and Stop Hurting Abuse Victims

The following comment was received at our blog recently, but was not published because, as you will see, it is incredibly hurtful and damaging to victims of abuse and others as well. But we post it here to expose a very typical preachy arrogance that is so common and is doing so much damage to victims and enabling their abusers. GratefulBride, I hope you learn from this and put your hand over your mouth as you hear from one Christian lady who has survived years of terrible abuse that apparently doesn’t exist in your fantasyland world.

First, here is the comment from GratefulBride and then we will post the reaction from IAmMyBeloveds, a good friend and survivor of longtime abuse at the hands of abusers both in marriage and in the “church” –

I actually agree with Ephesians 5 totally and the literal translation which is husbands love your wives and wives be submissive. Women….choose a good leader as a husband! It won’t ever make for a perfect situation but it will make obeying God in this area a lot easier. Parents….raise sons as good leaders! We have feminized this culture and where has it gotten us? It’s lead to a culture of everyone thinking with their emotions! A complete mess! My husband isn’t perfect and sometimes it’s hard to be submissive but I married a man who loves God with all his heart. He seeks his counsel daily and has lead our family well. He takes responsibility for the right and wrong decisions. Ultimately I serve and obey God! There is not a situation that excuses that.

Alright. Now let’s hear from IAmMyBeloveds as she responds to this notion that “well, you know ladies, if you had just chosen better in who you married, like I did, your life would be wonderful.” Understandably, IAmMyBeloveds response is fired up and appropriately so.

Well, good for you!! But why would you write a comment like that to a group of suffering people who are NOT married to men who seek God, but are wolves? Your comment shows a real lack of compassion and mercy toward the oppressed  — a mark of certain ungodliness and sin, and you have nothing to compare yourself to on this blog. So be it. Do not comment again, unless you have something to share that will help the weak, poor and oppressed, instead of wickedness that only adds to their oppression.

You represent exactly the kind of people abuse victims encounter, people who, in their own self-righteousness and blatant ignorance and disregard for the lives of these women and children, continue to applaud Satan’s work in the lives of these women and children. When your husband throws you down the stairs, beats the hell out of you, abuses your kids, tries to commit you, gets you excommunicated, emotionally abuses you until you have a breakdown, etc., etc., then you will have a reason to come to this blog. Until then, we wish you would take your sharing how well your life is going for you and not writing here again. Ephesians 5 gives no place for men to abuse their wives and for you to slander Christ in this way, is absurd and sinful. May He forgive you for doing so.

Having an imperfect husband who seeks God, is not the same as having a husband who is being incited by Satan — but thinks it’s God — to abuse his family.  And you comparing the two and saying they are the same thing is ludicrous!

Now, GratefulBride, do you get it? Do you see? Your response to this may well be, “Oh no, I didn’t mean…” but in fact you did mean it. You walked in arrogance and came here to preach down to the hurting and oppressed who you see as lower than you, not as wise as you, rather foolish in fact for allowing themselves to get sucked into marriage to an evil spouse. The reality is that you are deceived yourself. You do not see evil. You are not learned in the evil one’s tactics. And yet you expound.

Go. Go and learn what this means –

I desire mercy, and not sacrifice. (Mathew 9:13b)

***

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85 Comments

  1. Elizabeth Kraus

    My eyes fill with tears as finally – at long last – someone stands up for “me” — the me who lives in the pain of all these women – my sisters – who have endured life with a false husband and had the church turn their back on us when we dared to object.

  2. Rebecca

    Wow, thank you IAmMyBeloveds, and Jeff. I’m married to a man similar to the one GratefulBride describes, and I’m grateful too. But the very first time I came face to face with a friend’s situation of a wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing husband, I thought, “That could have been me.” Being able to stand in the other person’s shoes can go a long way toward understanding. How desperately the Church of Jesus Christ needs more empathy.

    • Hi Rebecca
      you had submitted this comment via a FB link — and for some reason to do with that (I guess), your full name and a link to your FB page was included. I’ve now removed the other part of your name and the link to FB.

      You might want to take care to prevent this happening again. Manually removed the identifying stuff in the coments form before you hit Submit. And if you need further help, email Twbtc

  3. Beauty

    Thank you for your response to this obviously hurtful and ignorant comment. I hope she does learn what evil is and how this thinking keeps women and children oppressed.

  4. Typical tripe from a PCAA (person clueless about abuse). What brought her to ACFJ? Perhaps all is not well in Gratefulbrideland and she is in the denial phase. I pray that is NOT so, but no better way to learn empathy than by experience. But I can’t be too hard on her. While living in denial land for almost 3 decades, and having coming out of the FOG, I look back and I see a certain arrogance in me that I never would have been aware of, that I could “suffer for Christ” (a lie) and that I had a marriage that had “lasted almost 30 years” (a lie, it wasn’t a marriage but an abusive relationship with the facade of “marriage,” not the same thing at all) and that when I finally stopped being fake and really looked at the reality, experienced rejection and judgement from a church who had been perfectly accepting of my “fake marriage” facade, THEN I understood: I wasn’t looking at “those women,” anymore. I WAS “those women.” And I’ve never been the same since. Thank God!

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for putting into words what many of us here have experienced.

    • For Too Long

      Debby, I agree – people in the church love fake “marriages.” In some ways, it reminds me of when Jesus talked about the Pharisees being white-washed tombs: pretty on the outside, but full of death and decay on the inside. The same ugly legalism persists in the church today. Oftentimes, while a marriage may “look good” to the outside world, what goes on behind closed doors (on the “inside” of that home) is the vilest evil imaginable.

      I remember attending a twenty-fifth anniversary party at my church several years ago. It was before coming out of the fog about my own marriage. At the time, I was well-aware of the abusive nature of this couple’s relationship. Since I also knew that the wife had confided in a few other ladies besides myself, the whole celebration seemed like a sham and I was uncomfortable. Looking back, the whole thing seems rather shocking to me now! Seriously, this kind of “celebration” is NOT honoring marriage – it’s exalting evil!

  5. Denise

    I was under this type of teaching for many years while married to a passive aggressive and emotionally abusive man. It wasn’t until I understood what was going on, thanks to this blog and others, that I stood my ground and said, “enough”.

    Thank you Jeff. I wish there where more valiant men in the church who would stand up to destructive spouses.

  6. SeeingThruPretence

    Exactly. People like this are often just pretenders in my experience. Their husbands are minions and they use comparisons to others to glorify themselves.

    • Hi, I changed your screen name to “SeeingThruPretence” — for your safety. Welcome to the blog 🙂
      We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      If you want us to change your screen name to something else, just email twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

  7. Un-Tangled

    IAmMyBeloveds said it all so well and there’s nothing that I can add about abusive husbands.

    However, I would like to respond to the Grateful Bride’s statement that “We have feminized this culture and where has it gotten us? It’s lead to a culture of everyone thinking with their emotions! A complete mess!” Blaming the problems in the culture on women? Perhaps she needs to study some of the “messy” cultures that resulted from the leadership of men: Like Hitler, for example, or Stalin, or North Korea, or…

    The problems in relationships, families, nations, and cultures are not caused by a specific gender. The problems are caused by the abusive, unrighteous actions of wicked people–and those who buy into their mindset.

    • Concerned Mom

      Well said Un-Tangeled, well said.

    • Elise

      Bravo!

      • Anewanon

        ” The problems are caused by the abusive, unrighteous actions of wicked people–and those who buy into their mindset.”

        This deserves an ECHO! THank you!

  8. Lea

    I severely dislike this style of promoting ones enthusiasm for a comp sort of marriage and it seems to be quite common. This works, because MY husband is decent, and MY husband isn’t abusive. Bully for you, but what happens if he is? Women like this have no answers for such things.

    >Women….choose a good leader as a husband!

    “Leadership” is not on my list of qualities at all. I would instead say to look for a good and decent man.

  9. sheisovercoming

    Here we have one person IAmMyBeloveds who drinks from the True Vine and GratefulBride who drank the koolaid. Thank you, IAmMyBeloveds for speaking so well for so many.

  10. Betty

    Also, this woman presumes that abused women ‘willfully chose poorly’, not remotely understanding how manipulative and deceptive abusers can be. So many women thought they were marrying a godly man who would authentically seek Christ and lead their homes in a way that honored Him.

    What if her husband had changed from being ‘imperfect but seeking Christ’ to after marriage turned into an abusive monster? Would she then place the fault at the feet of women, saying they simply should have chosen better? Her comments imply that what the abused women receive is a by-product of willfully made poor choices in a marriage partner. So blind and hurtful!

    Betty

    • grace551

      That’s true. I thought my husband was a godly man who wanted to serve God, including in his marriage. Not at all.

      I have learnt that abusive men often present themselves as ‘Mr Perfect Partner’ until their girlfriend marries them, then Jekyll turns to Hyde. That’s how it was for me.

      • Stronger Now

        Yup, me, too.

        This woman’s arrogance is sickening.

      • PEARL

        There is nothing so treacherous as when the person who stood with you and took their vows to love, honor and cherish turns on you and violates those vows one after the other and yet believes there is still a “m”arriage. It so reminds me of “Sleeping with the Enemy” The one who was supposed to stand with you against the world now is like a poisonous serpent let loose in your home.

      • grace551

        That is true.

        My husband has recognised that he is emotionally abusive (covert aggressive), has gone through an abuser program and has shown some change. I don’t know yet if he will manage to give up abuse. But if he doesn’t, I am out of here.

    • BeenThereDoneThatTwice

      Thank you. Many of us, yes, married a deceiver so we never saw the bad qualities no matter how long we dated nor how many family members and friends met the person. Also, many of us married early in life – maybe before we were mature enough to know what to look for in red flags.

      Yes, “Grateful Bride” assumes that all who are in abusive marriages were foolish and careless in choosing as well as wimpy women who just can’t “take” the imperfectness of men. She has a lot to learn in life. God may use some of us who are sadder, but wiser, to teach her.

  11. RR

    Perhaps, instead of thinking with whatever it “Grateful Bride” is thinking with, she ought to ask the Holy Spirit to help her renew her mind and tenderize her heart. God gave us emotions for a reason, and it’s an ethnocentric American mindset that our feelings are always suspect, that women are “too emotional”, and that men are rational and logical.

    Grateful Bride, please follow Scripture and weep with those who weep. That’s not “feminized”, nor is it simply a weird cultural thing that only applied to people back then. It’s for now, for you, for men and for women, for all who claim to follow Jesus. If you feel no compassion for the oppressed and abused, immerse yourself in God’s Word, especially the prophetic books and the psalms of lament. Ask God to give you the right emotions. Ask Him to break your heart with the very things that break His. Learn to think with compassion and heartache, rather than smugness.

    I’m going through that very process myself. It’s humbling. It involves suffering. It involves much conviction of personal sin and much repentance. The reward is more than worth it — we get to share, in a tiny bit, in the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings. We get to know Him better. We become a bit more like Him.

    Grateful Bride, I pray that one day the comment that you wrote will haunt you, as have similar ungracious, unloving words I have spoken and written in the past. I pray that God will demonstrate His love to you as gently as He is doing to me, and that one day you will be so completely undone that you will fall on your face weeping before Him, your heart forever shattered — and that He will turn your stony heart into one more like His. That’s what He is doing with mine. I anticipate it will be an easier process for you, as I was very broken, and I tend to be quite stubborn and rebellious, and it took a lot for me to stop resisting our Father’s extravagant love.

    • rrprewett

      Correction: Grateful Bride, I pray that one day the comment you wrote will haunt you…

    • Stronger Now

      “Smugness”

      Yes. That pretty much sums up her attitude.

  12. By “this comment”, I meant the one she wrote.

  13. Joy

    @GratefulBride: Well, congratulations on marrying a truly Christian man who doesn’t abuse his wife or children! Not all of us were so fortunate as to find out who our husbands or dads were until after the marriage vows were said! My dad was raised by his parents to be a good leader and considers himself to be a Christian who claims that he loves God with all his heart and seeks His counsel daily, despite his own imperfections. He was also taught by society that the only time he was allowed to express grief was if someone died, besides ignoring his feelings by working to financially support his family, the only other acceptable emotion was anger. He was not feminized as you say, at all, he doesn’t think with his emotions one bit, he just gets the job done and explodes in anger if he’s stressed. My dad in turn taught me to do the same thing. I remember only too well being dragged to the bathroom and getting my face shoved under the faucet of the sink because I expressed my frustration from having a bad day. I also remember being locked in the bathroom after getting placed in a cold shower with my clothes still on because I wouldn’t stop crying after my dad threatened that he would give me something to cry about if I didn’t quit crying. To an adult, a cold shower just feels uncomfortable but to a seven year old child, it’s like liquidized fire burning onto your skin. I’m having to relearn that it is okay to express my emotions while at the same time, making sure that I don’t lose control and become explosive like he is, something that I greatly fear. My mom married my dad, falling for the outward reputation that he displayed toward her of a man’s man, a kind leader, a warm, fierce protector, whom she shared much in common. It wasn’t until after they had said their wedding vows and came back from their honeymoon that he started to show his true colors. If my mom knew of who my dad truly was, she would not have married him in the first place. Besides loyalty, the other things that keep her in her marriage are the facts that he never physically or sexually abused her, he never cheated on her or refused to help her when she truly needed it and he never refused to financially support his family or walked out on her when times got tough; as well as being part of the loving family on his side. Might I add that my mom knows it’s hard to love my dad but she submits anyway, to keep the peace until she gets enough of her needs not getting met and demands that he take responsibility by doing the right thing, which he refuses to do until he decides he is good and ready. From what I’m understanding based on what you have written so far, your sinful arrogance has made you blind to compassionate mercy for the weak, oppressed, poor souls who have to suffer from abuse. I hope that you will either take the time to learn about or experience firsthand in an indirect way just how evil domestic abuse really is. I pray that God will judge you through an experience while you live on this earth, so that you might learn how to become a more compassionate woman in Christ, before the day comes when your soul will be judged after you leave this earthly realm. I also pray that God will somehow have mercy on your soul when this happens, maybe it will be through your traumatic experience, who knows. Thank you, IAmMyBeloved’s, as well as Jeff Crippen for exposing GratefulBride for the true sinfulness she has committed.

  14. This reminds me of the unempathic responses one hears at a funeral given to the family of the much-loved spouse such as, “Well, he/she’s in a better place.” or “Look on the bright side, like me. Now you can finally get on with your life.”

    These responses, like GratefulBride’s, tend to arise from anxiety. When one is anxious, they just want the anxiety to go away. Their ability for compassion and empathy dissipates away in an effort to control their inner emotional life. If they “fix it” (i.e. gain control), they will, for a time, experience a sense of being more calm.

    Sadly, the ability to mourn with those who mourn or to show true mercy tend to be abandoned in the constant quest for personal, anxiety relief.

    GratefulBride, most likely, will have had no idea how harmful her comment was until it was pointed out to her. If she can tolerate the correction, she will surely benefit. If not, she’ll just be pridefully angry.

    Blessings,
    S/G

  15. Redeemed

    Grateful Bride has received her reward here on earth. She intentionally sought out this website for the very purpose of what I’m sure she believes is speaking truth. She is deceived, clearly a wolf, and is hiding under the name Grateful Bride rather than posting her actual name. Why not reveal your real name and church for that matter? You don’t have to protect your identity from an abuser.

    Further, she is condemning abuse victims with her crafty word choice that implies all of us are ungrateful complainers who don’t believe and follow Ephesians 5. I’ve heard this so many times. She is a Pharisee and self-deceived in her belief that she is somehow less of a sinner than the rest of us.

    Also, notice the repeated emphasis on leading rather than loving which isn’t biblical. She clearly doesn’t know her bible and her faith is as shallow as her words. She is implying that she, in her awesome faithfulness to the scriptures, was rewarded by God with an Godly husband and that somehow we failed to seek the Lord in marrying abusers. She would probably say that God chose her husband and that WE chose our husbands and need to suffer the consequences in not trusting God to choose our spouse. Her faith is built upon her circumstances and again, she has received her reward.

    I don’t believe abusers and their followers are ignorant of evil. When Ungrateful Bride stands before the Lord she will not be able to say as a professed believer who has read the word, that she was ignorant of evil. Will she say,”I’m sorry Lord for I didn’t know about evil” Will she say, “I’m sorry for condemning your daughters.” She will be without excuse. She chooses to condemn and participate in evil. Ungrateful Bride doesn’t know and worship the same Jesus I know in the bible.

    Ungrateful Bride would read these responses and likely comment on how emotional we all are in our comments. Yes, anger is an emotion and if a professing believer fails to feel emotion when women and children are being abused, then perhaps they too are a sociopath and unbeliever. My decision to marry my husband has had terrible earthy consequences that God is redeeming daily for His glory. Ungrateful Bride’s hardened heart and choice to ignore and participate the oppression of God’s people, has eternal consequences and she only glorifies herself.

    Am I guilty of the same condemnation as Ungrateful Bride in this post? Nope, Jesus is okay in my speaking out against evil.

  16. PreachersKid

    GratefulBride: Please take note of these verses from Romans 12.

    10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
    12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
    13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
    14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
    15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
    16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

  17. grace551

    Spot on, Jeff and IAmMyBeloveds. Thank you.

  18. survivorthrivor2

    How many women here married a man, knowing he was a Christian ( or even maybe not) suspecting perhaps one day he might abuse, manipulate, control, lie, deny, cheat and be all around angry and evil? Are there any hands going up? Didn’t think so…..enough said…

    • For Too Long

      ^ Perfect!

  19. GracePhantom

    While GratefulBride is clearly being unkind I’m reading through the comments and they are feel like attacks towards this person whom we don’t know if it’s coming from a heart of malice or ignorance. If the latter, shouldn’t we respond with gentle correction and kindness? This community above others intimately knows the effects of words and attacks on another. So many times people feel humiliated and put down by people who are “in the know” (the PCAAs as we are called) whereas we should have the humility to say there is still work to be done to educate those who are unaware instead of berating them into a corner.

    • Hi GracePhantom, please bear this in mind: GratefulBride submitted her comment to this blog under the name “GratefulBride”. We do not know her real name and if we did, we would not be all that likely to publish it. We do state the names of professionals. But this woman ‘GratefulBride’ is not a professional with a counseling practice or a pastor who preaches at a church or an academic who teaches at a seminary. She is anonymous: she wanted it that way and we are respecting her anonymity.

      So what we are saying in this post about her is probably not even being read by her! We have not notified her of the post. We simply used the comment she submitted as a subject for discussion by our readers. And if you read the comments thread in full, you will see how many of our readers have found it helpful to reflect on the crummy advice they were given by people like ‘GratefulBride’. Our readers suport each other in their recovery and healing as they come out of the fog… as they see through the lies and the false teaching and the false uses of scripture. I think you yourself are possibly finding our blog helpful in that same way.

      So I encourage you to just keep reading and mulling it all over.

      But we respect your right to comment and express your thoughts. And I’m sorry that it took a while for us to publish this comment of yours. It was kept ‘on hold’ for a while till I could wrap my mind around how best to respond to it.

      • Actually I am seeing this. When I posted this comment I had no idea it was a blog for abused victims. I saw it shared on facebook and responded. That being said I still stand by Ephesians 5 being literal. God’s word does not change meaning based on our circumstances, choices, culture or time. You know nothing of my past and what I have dealt with and I see no reason to share it but I will say that accepting God’s word as the absolute truth is what keeps me from being a victim of my past. It’s a choice I have to make everyday. I cling to his word and his sacrifice and am grateful for His strength to carry me.

      • Grateful Bride, well now you know that this blog focuses on domestic abuse, and have realised that many of our readers and commenters are victim/survivors of domestic abuse, does that make you think that you made a mistake in submitting your first comment?

        Does it make you think “Oh, I ought to have looked at bit more thoroughly at the site before I submitted that comment.”
        No, apparently does not make you think that at all. Rather, you just slam down again your literal interpretation of Ephesians 5. You clearly don’t care how much your comment hurt our readers. You clearly don’t feel repentant for having hurt so many of our readers. You clearly just want to keep teaching us, rather than humbling yourself and learning from our experiences and perceptions.

        Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. (James 3:1)

        I think that scripture ought to give you pause, Grateful Bride. You came here and tried to teach us. You didn’t even bother to find out who you were teaching first. You just treated us like faceless blank slates who you had the right and the wisdom to teach. I believe this second comment of yours only serves to prove what our readers have already sensed about you and have rightly pointed out: That you want to teach, but you have not the wisdom to be a teacher. And that you are not willing to humble yourself and learn.

        Please take a deep breath and go back to the beginning, and read this whole thread again. But please do not comment again if you only have more of the same kind of stuff to tell us that you have already told us!

      • grace551

        Wow, you said it, Barbara! You really expressed well what I was thinking! Spot on.

      • Joy

        @GratefulBride: All of us put our foot in our mouths because we didn’t check something before saying or writing it, that’s understandable. Now you know that the website Facebook offered is a blog for abused victims. We still expect an apology and a promise to do better next time.

        Just because Ephesians 5 gives you comfort and strength, doesn’t mean that it does for everybody. Most people don’t know about our pasts and we hardly ever share them, either, so you’re in good company, if you are humble enough to repent of your pride. We also cling onto certain bible passages so that we aren’t victims, too.

        We would love to help you become a better Christian teacher, if you are willing to learn.

      • Well said, Joy. 🙂 Thank you.

    • IamMyBeloved's

      Here is the thing. This woman came to this blog where there are seriously hurting and abused women (and men) who are trying to figure it all out and heal, and she came here to brag about what a good choice she made about her marriage, as if to say we had all purposely or even foolishly chosen an abuser to marry, so we somehow deserved the abuse. She chose to come here and do that here – on THIS blog! She had no business even on this blog because it is clearly for victims and survivors of abuse.

      What she said to everyone here, is sort of like telling a wounded and disabled soldier that he should have chosen a different path in the war, not been so stupid and maybe he would not have had his legs blown off!

      Victims of abuse suffer great triggers when faulted for the abuse, so the responses here are normal for what has happened to the people on this blog. Gratefulbride’s smugness and lack of empathy for the people here, demonstrated that she needed to be firmly told not to write here again, unless she could do so with empathy and understanding instead of blind judgment and mocking.

    • Anonymous

      Are you new here GracePhantom? One of abuse victims’ biggest road blocks to seeing the truth and getting back to being able to hear God’s voice through His word and in their own hearts is because they tried SO hard to be gentle and kind to people who belong to their father the devil. If they’d known about abusive personalities from the beginning they may not have spent countless hours or even decades with a person who hates everyone and desires to do them harm. Please read over the posts and comments on this website and it won’t take you long to see that many people used the “gentle correction and kindness” approach until they nearly lost their lives or souls and it did NOTHING to even touch the heart of an evil person.

      Most of us here are dealing with people described in John 8:44, Proverbs 6:12-14, Romans 1:29 and others places in God’s word. […] The Bible uses these verses to describe these people […] and Proverbs 4:16 tells us, “For evil people can’t sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day. They can’t rest until they’ve caused someone to stumble.” We have been catering to people who can’t rest until they do evil. The kindness and gentleness that is given to us through the Holy Spirit is meant to reach those of us who are suffering but instead it gets wasted on people who hate God and desire to be worshiped. […]

      Jesus dealt harshly and honestly with evil people and ostracized those who continued to act evilly. He never told Judas Iscariot that he loved him nor did he try gloss over the evil that Judas did. Judas was with Jesus for three years–with GOD for three years–and it had no effect on him in the sense that it didn’t make him a better person nor did it keep him from sinning. Jesus never told the people who brought in the woman caught in adultery that they were good and kind and that he understood them, instead he shone the light on their own evil and sin. When there were people that were truly seeking truth and justice, Jesus honored them and delighted in them. We are to do the same. And if we as Christians had been doing this all along we may have been stronger and it may have been easier for us to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and we wouldn’t have gotten caught up with evil ones masquerading as people who belong to Jesus.

      [The attitudes of many in the church have] helped us go down this road of heartbreak and ruin. We as Christians should have been discerning and helped our true brethren to do the same, instead we have the majority of ‘c’hristian churches full of evil-doers like those described in Jude 1:12, “These are those who are defiled in their feasts and run riot while feeding themselves without fear, clouds without rain that wander with the wind; trees, whose fruit has died, who are without fruit, which have died twice and they have pulled up from their roots.”

      I pray that if you are one of God’s true children that you ask Him to help you see His truth so that you can truly serve Him and help those that HE wants to help, and that you are able to see the evil ones for what they are so that you will be able to help those entrapped by them. This is an entire mission field that is virtually empty of missionaries because so many are deceived and forced to chant garbage like, “Let’s pretend that all people are the same and that they all desire truth, love and mercy so that they can use these gifts from God to help others.” The truth of the matter is that in the end times many will be WITHOUT love, desiring to do HARM, and reveling in their evil–and they will be found in the CHURCH.

      2 Tim 3:8. “….these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith.”

  20. KayE

    My heart just bleeds for all these women like GratefulBride who find it so hard to be submissive to their husbands, but they do it any way because they are just so virtuous.
    Actually it was really, really easy for me to submit to my ex husband since he made sure there would always be severe consequences for not doing so.
    But no amount of submission was ever enough for him. He wanted more and more power and control, and as the years went by he got more and more cruel. So one day I made a choice to not submit to him, ever again. It was an extremely difficult and risky choice to make and I had to count the cost. I did it not because I was unbelieving or unGodly, but to save my own life and the lives of my children.
    And no, I didn’t choose to marry such a man. He deceived me, and he continues to deceive many people. If I’d known who he really was, I would never have had anything to do with him.

    • Joy

      @Kay E: I too attempted to defend myself and fight back but my dad would overpower me by his physical strength, by calling me derogatory names, commanding me to obey him, and completely dismissing me, not to mention strangling me at one point when I hit him in the face with a frying pan.

      I’ve always been a very intelligent person, so I learned very quickly that the best way to survive my encounters with him was to submit and become completely obedient and passive. There would be severe consequences if I didn’t, after all, and I didn’t want to become another statistic of childhood abuse. It was never enough, though, the more I submitted, the more power and control he wanted, even though doing so prevented even more abuse than what I have already suffered from.

      As I started to live on my own, I regrew my assertiveness and stood up to him, the very thing he had said would prove to him that I was an adult, despite the fact that I used to do the very same thing when I was a child. While my dad has come to respect me, he will still yell at me anytime he is stressed.

      I didn’t get a choice in who my biological father would be, however, I do have a choice in how I will live my life. To leave is an extremely risky and difficult choice, however, I am reaching my limit in what I will tolerate.

    • braveandstandingstrong

      Yep, me too.

      I was way more submissive in the last 10 years and things got worse. He escalated more quickly and with more frequency.

      I am glad, KayE that you made the choice for you and your children to be set free from abuse.

  21. CMP

    I was blind: He is blind yet still. In the beginning, he led. And when the blind leads the blind…. they both fall… this is delusion, or hope that enables the denial of reality that only others with wide open eyes can see.

    […] he had me reeling, blaming myself or he did. Now, I can justifiably blame him for his wrongdoing that I now understand. Yet others blame me.

    Pastor Jeff’s book UNHOLY CHARADE — I’m so grateful to have this book I can barely put it down all week.

  22. MaxGrace

    So then grateful bride, if you ultimately serve and obey God, and there’s not a situation that excuses that = hmmm – what if he started to mistreat you and your children? Would you excuse yourself by “submitting” you and your children to more abuse? Or would you stand up for what you know is ultimately “right”. You might have to stand against evil in your own home. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but you have not thought through your statement enough to have compassion on those who are living in a marriage where the “abuser” has made a mockery of all that is Holy, and lovely women who love God, who are desperately trying to “make it work”. All the while they are being told by those who have no idea what they are going through, nor do they care to know, that they must “submit” even more. Bravo for those who learn to stand against evil in their homes, and stand up for righteousness. That is the more difficult path. That’s because the “church” at large will not support you, but will rather abandon you, and tell you to go back for more. Hardly anyone will weep with you for all you have lost!. No Christian woman is getting married with the thoughts of an “easy out”, or because somebody had a grumpy day. Why can’t you see that?

    • braveandstandingstrong

      Max Grace

      You said…”Hardly anyone will weep with you for all you have lost.”

      So true.

  23. JJ

    “Advice is judged by results, not by intention.”
    ―Cicero

    This comes to mind for those advice-givers who, when they realize they’re full of stuff ‘n nonsense, or when they realize that they have wounded you terribly, try to claim they didn’t mean to be hurtful/idiotic.

    • Anonymous

      Proverbs 26:18-19, “Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking! ”

  24. kind of anonymous

    GratefulBride sounds very self congratulatory as if she believes she is being rewarded with a good husband because God approves of her “righteousness”.
    Some of her comments I would have no problem with if they were addressed to women she knows aren’t in relationships with abusive or dishonest men or women thinking about getting married. But once you realize she said this intentionally to a bunch of women dealing with abuse, that makes it just soooo obnoxiously self righteous and judgemental. Her tone suggests she thinks that everyone here is just a bunch of overreacting whiners with no heart for God.

    I mean, I reached out to people who were treating me like crap and making my life and marriage a living hell, when I had just come home with a newborn. Because of the stress these jerks caused me, I lost my breast milk and spent the first few weeks of my baby’s life crying myself to sleep. These folks came to the hospital and attempted to totally control everything, creating so much stress for me with their overbearing nonsense that it interfered with my ability to bond properly with my daughter.

    But according to you [GratefulBride] that’s no big deal, right? Why did I make an effort to re-establish relationship with people I had erected firm boundaries against? Because christianity is a religion of reconciliation and I had to know that I had truly attempted to obey even though it involved pain. What resulted is that they made nice for a while and then my FIL took me, the ex, and a carload of small children on a terrifying forty minute ride through dark rain slick streets at speeds way in excess of the law. He ignored repeated requests to slow down and grinned evilly when told he was scaring us all. He knew he had us captive and was getting off on it. This was not unusual behaviour for him, the desire to punish, torment and control. I was terrifed and praying frantically from the back seat.

    A friend told me later that God had shown her I was with my inlaws and my life was in danger and that she should pray for me RIGHT NOW. I was so awed that God, unlike the church, took me seriously.

    GratefulBride, do you think I would have put myself in that position with people who did nothing but hurt and disrespect me, force their will on me, risk my life, cause incredible chaos and problems between their son and me, etc, if I wasn’t willing to obey God? He was used to the blatant manipulation, abuse and control, and expected me to get used to it too. My FIL once forced unwanted physical affection on me, in the form of an on the mouth kiss and when i wouldn’t submit, he threw me sideways across the hall and then claimed I’d called him a pervert. I hadn’t, it hadn’t occurred to me — and that’s not an accusation I’d casually have made of anyone even at my most immature and dysfunctional, but maybe I should have! When I told my ex, he said casually “I didn’t see it so I can’t say anything”.

    Apparently my life and those of others in ongoing destructiveness mean nothing to you. Your lack of love and mercy is evident in your broad brush dismissive judgements of a bunch of people you haven’t even asked one single question of, though you had plenty to say.

    Yet did you notice that God took me seriously and believed me when I cried out to Him that my life was in danger because I was in an evil situation? I suppose you will next say to me that God responding to my desperate cries for help means it was okay to stay in that situation and continue to tolerate evil no matter what risk of harm it put to me or my child because God would rescue me. Does it sound consistent to you that Jesus said He came to heal the broken hearted and set free oppressed and captive people — only to command them to stay in situations that create exactly that?

    Gal, I don’t mean to be harsh but you need to go duck your head in a horse trough a few times! Please, even though I am sure you are stung by the anger expressed here at your words, show how serious YOU are about properly representing Jesus and His heart and character by looking into this matter at a greater depth level than you have shown thus far.

  25. JJ

    Bride said, “…We have feminized this culture and where has it gotten us? It’s lead to a culture of everyone thinking with their emotions! A complete mess! …”

    These are code words/phrases for patriarchy/misogyny. Sadly, women are capable of internalizing misogyny and repeating what they hear, never realizing how they’re denigrating their own sex.

    I fail to understand how some Christians view people experiencing and acting upon their God-given emotions as a bad thing. Why do we have them if they aren’t to be used? Also, people who do NOT use their emotions are often called things like psychopaths. That’s not desirable, is it?

    Bride will hopefully one day realize that it isn’t an either/or situation here. We do not have to be completely separated from our emotions. It is okay to be an integrated human being who uses both logic and emotions to navigate through life. In fact, that is actually a desirable thing.

    I also do not agree with her assertion that our culture consists of everyone thinking with their emotions. Again, that’s disguised misogyny.

    I feel sorry for Bride, just like how I feel sorry for those people who ride around with their music turned up so loud I can hear them a block away, and then cringe if they pull up beside me at a light. Do they really not understand how completely ridiculous they appear to the rest of us? Do they really not comprehend how much they annoy, how they distract others and put all of us in jeopardy of not hearing a siren or noticing an impending accident? The answer is either no, they don’t realize what total jackhammers they are, and/or no, they don’t care about the damage or annoyance they leave in their wake.

    • When those people drive past me in their cars, I think of how their hearing is being permanently damaged and how we as a society will have to help pay for all treatment for their hearing loss and perhaps even pay disability support to them…

      And I think about how those people don’t care a hoot that they are going to be using a whole lot of taxpayers’ money just because they insisted on listening to such loud music!

    • Stronger Now

      Actually, they play their music that loud, with bass boosting speakers, (partly) FOR THE PURPOSE of annoying and distracting others, as this adds to their enjoyment of the music they’re playing.

      And they really couldn’t care less about future ramifications. It’s all about RIGHT NOW. That’s all.

    • H

      You’re so spot-on to call out the internalized misogyny here! Along with the implications that being in touch with your emotions is a bad thing, her comment also reeks of misogyny in another sense. She lamented the “feminization” of our culture, as if femininity itself, the property of being a female, is an inherently bad trait.

      Nevermind that God created humans to be female and male, two coequal reflections of the image of God. God thinks femaleness and women are NOT inferior, defective, broken things that need to be balanced and foiled by masculinity, but are in fact glorious creations with the honor of reflecting his own image!

      I feel bad for women like her who walk around believing they are defective versions of a man and don’t grasp the beautiful picture of strong, brave, faithful, protective, life-bearing and nurturing femininity in the Bible. If only our culture would absorb a little MORE of that Biblical femininity. We sure could use it.

      I’d love to have more people (not just women — but people!) like Abigail and Ruth walking around. Maybe there would be more compassion, tenderness, and brave defense for the weak and helpless in our society if we had MORE of that supposedly wicked “feminization.”

      • hope

        I feel bad for women like her who walk around believing they are defective versions of a man

        Thank you for so clearly define the false doctrine that is being taught. It needs to be said blatantly just like you did so that people see what the truth is and the folly that they have believed.

        The sad thing is that Grateful Bride doesn’t realize that she is not in an authentic relationship. By stiffling who she is and submitting and hiding her true feelings and opinion. She gives total control to her husband and hoping he will be able to figure out what is best. She thinks that she is being honest, but she isn’t living honestly.

        Their marriage is a farce because it isn’t two people becoming one flesh and melding their lives together looking out for what the other one desires. They are trying to encourage each other to be all that they can be for God’s kingdom. It is carte blanche for the husband to have all his selfish dreams come true. The wife gives her life, her soul, her God-given purpose for her husband to pervert and force her to be made into his image and not what God has designed for her.

      • Anonymous

        Hope, That’s it! That’s what is happening and that’s why it’s so heartbreaking and offensive to those of us who have been forced–through unbiblical teaching–to submit to men, pretending it’s God we are submitting to even though we are unable to hear His voice or to spend any time with Him because we are wearing ourselves out worshiping our husbands. And in many cases these husbands don’t even belong to God.

        Barb and Jeff, if Hope agrees, could you use her comment as a stand alone post (after explaining what she was responding to)? It so accurately describes what many of us here have been saying and hits the nail on the head. Thanks again Hope!

        By the way, GratefulBride sounds like a person who belongs to a Quiverfull-type cult which idolizes the men in the cult, and the women are forced to act like Barbie dolls who are dressed-up and posed and are made to be nothing more than props. Evil and wicked are what people are who encourage this and who force this lie on both the men and women who are looking for God’s truth and trying to please Him and know Him. Hell is hot evil ones and the gnashing of teeth will be for eternity–and you won’t be able to buy a mouthguard either!

      • I think i’m too busy with other stuff to take up your suggestion/request, Anonymous. Sorry.

        My energies are going to have to focus on my ERAS series for a while — and I’m also fighting another battle for justice that is nothing to do with this blog, and that battle is escalating at the same pace as the ERAS battle is escalating!

  26. Stronger Now

    When Grateful Bride submits carte blanche to her husband, she CALLS it “ultimately serving and obeying God” when in fact it is making a “god” out of her husband.

    This is what abusive men demand. It is not what God expects of us. She is treading on very thin spiritual ice when she does so. One cannot abdicate their moral responsibility, and hand it to another fallen human being.

    Her last statement “Ultimately there is not a situation that excuses that” is difficult to make sense of. Excuses what? Does she mean, there is no situation where a woman does not submit to her husband, because of Ephesians 5? If so, this poor woman has drunk deep of the kool-aid. She is thoroughly brainwashed. I can probably tell you a few of the authors she has been reading. And they all ignore I Cor 5:11 and the multitude of passages where God tells us that EVERY PERSON, regardless of gender, is responsible before God for their actions.

    Husbands are not even commanded in Ephesians 5 to LEAD their wives! They are commanded to LOVE their wives and lay down their lives for her!

    Her smugness and arrogance are sickening. I understood her accusation that we are all being driven by our feelings, to be saying that is why we “lesser women” chose poorly when we were deceived by our wicked husbands before marriage. If we weren’t so prone to letting our feelings dictate our actions, we would have seen the red flags, we would have avoided the problems, we would have rejected the evil ones who tricked us into marrying them with their smooth words and empty promises.

    How wonderful she is, this superior woman who chose so wisely. Shame on us for not being like her. We’re getting what we deserve.

    • grace551

      Well said, Stronger Now.

    • ACON

      My impression is also that “GratefulBride” is using others’ misery to exalt herself, a particularly callous act of cruelty. Jesus said (to the Pharisees): “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled” (Matt. 23:12). She will have to bear the consequences because God cannot be fooled.

  27. healinginhim

    Thank you for this post and yes, once again, bringing attention to a smugness towards victims who are expected to ‘submit’ to sin. There is no mercy and the consequences are destroyed families and relationships. Now that is evil!

  28. BeenThereDoneThatTwice

    I have been out of a 2+ decade marriage for more than 10 years and remarks like GratefulBride’s still can trigger me so much. I STILL have problems with giving myself credit for leaving a marriage that ultimately gave me a breakdown. How can I still be so lacking in strength so many years later? (Because of how subtle and powerful the minute daily abuses were, piled up day after day, year after year.) Many of us, with no broken bones or blackened eyes, have nothing to prove the abuse to those who WERE our friends in church and Christian groups. I, like many, was SO controlled by what I heard from my husband, the pulpit, the Sunday School classes, the women’s meetings, the books, the seminars, etc. that I STILL have problems feeling justified in making the hard decision to walk away from it finally.

    I wonder if I’ll ever recover from the damage that was done. I WISH I had had the husband that GratefulBride seems to have, but she may be very young and still strong enough to withstand small, but constant barbs and verbals knife cuts. Or she may really have a good, loving, but imperfect man. I long for the clearheadedness to stop questioning my past valiant attempts at submissiveness. I long for the time when I stop trying to justify my ex’s actions in my head. I long for people to finally “get it” and tell me that they are sorry for how I’ve been treated and effectively shunned. (That will never happen.) I want to be strong, but I think that by staying SO long the damage is SO deep that I won’t recover. (I constantly pray that this is not the case.) It’s bad enough to have suffered the church abuse while we were in abusive marriages and after we made hard decisions to leave, but to suffer the abuse from women is so sad.

    • Joy

      I too wish the same things that you have spoken of. I haven’t left the abusive situation I find myself in, yet, however, I’ve had enough of it. I also wish that people will one day recognize the full extent of the damage that emotional abuse does to people.

    • Sara

      Thank you for your beautiful words…they speak to and of my heart. My feeling is that Grateful Bride is actually searching and in great denial. I too was like her. I was pious and judgmental in an attempt to deflect any scrutiny upon myself. I thought people would be appalled at what a horrible woman I was if they got to know me. I never labeled what I was suffering as abuse, because I internalized his angry and demeaning comments as truth. I felt like I deserved what I got because I was not a good enough Christian woman. My attempts to submit created more and more abuse and control. Even in counseling, I made excuses for him and apologized for his behavior. The scales were finally lifted from my eyes when I read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. Once, I saw my relationship for what it was — which was extremely abusive– I could no longer stay. It took 2 years to leave a quarter of a century plus marriage. I have been out for nearly year and finding healing one day at a time.

      The words of a Grateful Bride cut very deeply. I have lost all of my relationships, because in our marriage, he orchestrated them. They have taken his side and now they shun me. My life is a classic example of how an abuser isolates. He had over 25 years to destroy all of my relationships that I had before we were married and then chose the ones he wanted for me. The chosen ones are gone. I grew up in the church and learned of love, but the church has even turned on me like a viper and shows me no love of mercy. I am lonely, but not alone — I have all of you. I read the words on this screen and I know that I am among my people. I pray that Grateful Bride will learn something from these words. Ephesians 5 nearly destroyed my life — I pray it doesn’t do the same for her.

      • TruthSerum

        Right on, Sara. Friend here.

    • MarkQ

      BTDTT: This is a great analysis. I see so much blindness here in the church to emotional pain. I’m trying to come up with a good way to explain this because I simply cannot connect with people on the same level who haven’t experienced that. Here are some of my thoughts:

      Why do we treat emotional pain differently than physical pain?

      When someone comes into the church with a limp, the church doesn’t tell them, only people who can walk “normally” are welcome here.

      When a smoker is diagnosed with lung cancer, the church doesn’t say, “you should accept this as God’s judgment for you poor choices”

      When someone has an illness that is treatable by proper medical care, even though the church still believes that God heals, they wouldn’t say, “don’t seek medical attention. If you’re a true believer, God will heal you. If not, you’re faith is not strong enough.”

      If someone works at a job where regular safety violations have put him in the hospital multiple times, the church would never say, “It’s not right to complain to OSHA that your company is not following the safety code.” Nor would they say, “you committed to work for that company, so you need to continue working for them. If you die on the job, you’ll go to heaven and they’ll be judged!”. Nor would they say, “You deserve to be in the hospital for your obviously poor choice in companies.”

      People will spend hours during a year making meals for people with physical needs, but are too busy sit down for 30 minutes to listen to someone’s emotional pain.

      • Jeff Crippen

        This brings to mind the times Jesus admonished people for looking only for bread rather than the bread from heaven. It is an example of not being heavenly-minded really, though the people who say these things would claim they are very spiritual. But people who deny spiritual/emotional, ie, non-physical abuse really do reveal themselves to be earth-men, people of the flesh, who have eyes but do not see.

      • Spot on, Mark!

      • Traumatized

        I agree. These people are the worst when it comes to acknowledging emotional abuse. Thank you Mark for making my case. It’s so hard to feel validated. If the outside of me showed the scars that are on the inside, I probably would be dead right now. Slowly being murdered from the inside out, and people want you to shut up about it.

      • Dear ‘Traumatized’
        I changed your screen name to ‘Traumatized’ as that is the name you have used before on this blog. You’d given what may be your real name in these four comments you submitted to this post, and we want to help you keep safe…
        And I know it’s hard to remember what screen names you may have used at various sites on the internet 🙂

        Thank you for your comments. I’m glad you are finding validation at this site. We really appreciate you sharing here. 🙂

  29. MarkQ

    Great comments! There are other blogs where the dating/courtship people argue what “system” to put in place to insure that everyone marries the right person. My wife and I joked about the single, childless 18-year-olds who were the most vocal on blogs about how Christians ought to treat their spouses, train their children, etc. The older and wiser tend to put them in their place, and there is relative peace until the next batch shows up a year later.

    I think the basic problem here is that evangelicals think they are able to discern, even at a young age, whether a man/woman is a quality person. Unfortunately, even those with the most discernment still find themselves deceived, and those who are evil can maintain a holy facade for years. We love to throw the blame around about starry-eyed men and women who couldn’t see the obvious signs, but if that is the case, how could mega pastors like Mark Driscoll and CJ Mahaney maintain godlike status for years? The truth is that the wolves clothe themselves to look like sheep.

    This understanding alone should keep Christians’ mouths shut when it comes to victim blaming. How completely heartless to come upon a bleeding sheep with wolf bites all over it and start beating it with our rod. Even more heartless for this ewe to shout out to a field of bleeding sheep that Duh! obviously they must be to blame for their own wounds because she hasn’t gotten bitten yet.

    • Traumatized

      Unfortunately, even those with the most discernment still find themselves deceived, and those who are evil can maintain a holy facade for years.

      I can’t even go to the sex addict/abusers’ church anymore because it is too sickening to watch how everyone believes he is such a great guy, when he is just sheer evil. When you see this kind of evil going on in the church, it makes one feel like there is no place safe to worship. So many victims are the ones left out of church while the “wolf” gets pats on his back. I found out my ex just got baptised, and I don’t think he even believes in God. He just loves the attention he gets at church. And the fresh pickings of naive women. He was even sneaking around with the pastor’s wife of all things. Who knows, miss GratefulBride could get the shock of her life like I did after 14 years. The world will never look the same again.

  30. RomansEightOne

    Every time I read a post here like this, where you call ‘a spade a spade’ and you go to bat for me and every other person oppressed by abuse, a little part of my soul and spirit is healed. And I gain even more clarity and understanding of why, deep in my heart, I was never ‘ok’ with not only the way my husband ‘led’ us (ugh) but also with the majority of my interactions with other Christians. Thank you! I finally feel like somebody is sticking up for me!

  31. TruthSerum

    There are several issues with this arrogant message from GB. First, in agreeing to be submissive as a wife to her husband, there is an important element that is not emphasized, which is, to submit to a LOVING husband. Love does not include abuse….of any kind, ever.

    Second, “choose a good leader as a husband; it won’t ever make for a perfect situation, but it will make obeying God in this area a lot easier.” Wow, are you brain washed! If women were supposed to be mere robots, then we would not have been blessed with the ability to think for ourselves. There are several diseases out in the world that are easily masked until one lives with the perpetrator….And in these cases, one does not know the devil until one lives with him. Women have lost their lives, their souls, their very self for blindly following such hollow advice. Jesus came to prove the falsehood of legalism, not embrace it. I’ve been told by a “Christian” pastor that emotions do not matter. Thirty years later as a retired RN, I am here to tell you that yes, they do matter….Your emotions are your life….They are the manifestation of who you are as a person.

    “Ultimately I serve and obey God!” My question is, which God are you obeying and serving? My God would never keep me under such oppression as to live under an abusive situation, no matter what. As a former psyc nurse, I recognize when words are said to disguise an otherwise not-so-good situation….It’s called denial. Before you sling around more words of haughtiness at the hurting again Grateful Bride, observe your eyes wide shut and be mindful that a wise and humble spirit does not gloat. – TruthSerum.

    • Traumatized

      There are several diseases out in the world that are easily masked until one lives with the perpetrator… And in these cases, one does not know the devil until one lives with him.

      The only time I feel validated for being “tricked” into a false relationship is in these forums. There was no way I could have foreseen the hell I was going to be trapped in. What GratefulBride doesn’t understand is that these “devils” prey on good godly women. The worst feeling in my life is finding out I have been sharing a bed for 14 years with a total stranger. Can’t wash that off no matter how I try.

      • Can’t wash that off no matter how I try.

        I wasn’t married to a sex addict, but one of my husbands (I’ve had two — both turned out to be abusers) behaved in a very perverted fashion after I left him. What he did…. when I found out about it…. made me feel filthy by association. So I have some comprehension of what you mean when you say “Can’t wash that off…”

        The shame belongs to the abuser, not to the abused. The filth is the abuser’s not yours, dear Traumatized.
        I know that sounds pat, simplistic. And I know that the taint, the contamination, of sexual immorality is of a different order from othe sins, in some mysterious way. Paul alludes to this in 1 Corinthians 6 —

        Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

        Traumatized: your husband was/is as sex addict. You share the marital bed with him for years, before you realised this. He was regularly committing sin — sexual sin — with other women. Each time he did that, he became ‘one flesh’ with those women. And each time he came home to you and had intercourse with you, the putridity in him became, in a sense, mingled with you, in the ‘one flesh’ marital bed. So you are right in the sense that you have been contaminated! He mingled, he INTENTIONALY, without conscience, mingled his filth with you. Shared it with your flesh and your spirit.

        God hates what that man did to you, and He can cleanse you from the sense of putridity and filth. The putridity that was not your fault, not your sin, not your filth.

        May the abuser bear his sin. May the abuser feel conviction for his sin. May the Lord heal your wounded soul, spirit and flesh!

  32. abigail

    Once again, the unbelieving secular world shows more compassion than a supposed “sister in Christ”. Just like the Joe P situation of sexual abuse..where a secular college dealt with a problem and did not sweep it under the rug. Lundy Bancroft shows more wisdom that MacAruthur, Piper et al on issues of domestic abuse. Grateful Bride, just keep your mouth shut about things you don’t know anything about.

  33. Traumatized

    Oh, how often I’ve encountered these women. They have no clue. Many years ago I was attending a church, and I foolishly thought that they would give me emotional support. When I mentioned to the pastor’s wife that I was contemplating leaving my abusive alcoholic partner, she basically called me a whore. “Do you think God wants you to go from man to man to man?” What the heck was that? Then there is the usual “If only I would be more submissive, make him feel masculine, bend to his wishes, yadda, yadda, yadda.” And most recently going to a support group for spouses of sex addicts, I wasn’t even allowed to tell my story because some how the problem is me. And didn’t the sex addict play on that bit.

    Dear GratefulBride, how lucky you are to have a husband that hasn’t ruined your life. Mr. sex addict goes to church but refuses to apologize for all the pain he has caused me. Excuse me, GratefulBride, but I didn’t “pick” a sex addict and abuser. He came into my life looking like a saint like your own precious husband. He is what the God calls a wolf in sheeps clothing. Did it not occur to you, dear GratefulBride, that all these women here thought that they picked a man just like yours? The ONLY difference between you and the rest of us is that you got lucky. THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU! And what would you say then?

    And finally, dear GratefulBride, you must know you are commenting on a website that is full of good women who went to church and did everything possible asked of them. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you need to feel superior to the rest of us. Basically, if you were such a grateful bride, you would understand just why you should be grateful.

  34. Anonymous

    [Prefatory note from Eds: this is another of Anonymous’s imaginary renditions of Satan’s stream-of-consciousness. So pls don’t be triggered. Hear it in that context 🙂 ]

    …because I’m the devil and that’s how I roll!

    Hey there stupid people! Satan here! Now I know you don’t usually hear directly from me cuz I prefer to come at you sideways and backwards and any way that you aren’t expecting me but I also enjoy being out in the open every once in awhile cuz you don’t expect it and I like to keep you off balance.

    GratefulBride did a great job didn’t she? Well, I thought she did but those of you here seem to think otherwise. I love how she kept talking about “leadership.” In most churches this crap will fly like a strong wind that smells like the dump, but for some reason those of you here aren’t buying it.
    … Now, to you Christians, leadership comes directly from the Holy Spirit who lives inside of you, but those who belong to me need phony-baloney rules and regulations to give them the APPEARANCE OF looking like they care and fooling others so that they can then have control over them and do my will. Yep, that’s right — this leadership #*# usually keeps the stupid Christian men and women working like crazy so that they aren’t able to waste time on LOVE or to spend time fellowshipping with God through His word because they are too busy trying to fit into the mold I’ve poured them into. I’ve captured countless true Christians this way and they really believed this quality (being a leader) mattered more than loving others through Jesus and looking to HIM to learn how to grow and gain wisdom. And it makes it that much easier for me to plant MY children in God’s church cuz they both look the same because (God’s and mine) are both living the lie (which is the only way to live if you ask me)!

    I’ll keep this short cuz I’ve got people to rape and drugs to deliver (I never use them myself cuz I like to keep a clear head to enjoy all the havoc that I wreck) but take a look at the wife in Proverbs 31. Now, many of my children have used this passage to enslave and abuse wives — hey, I’ll use ANY means to screw you over — but notice that we hear NOTHING about the husbands “leadership” skills. What do we see instead? A woman serving the Lord and virtually flying on the love and wings of God’s support and love. This woman seems almost beyond human because she is able to accomplish so much for so many and it doesn’t appear that she is weighted down with guilt, shame and obligation thrust on her by her husbands great “leadership” skills. In fact, he’s rarely addressed except in how he is able to truly enjoy the bounty set before him because his wife serves God and is able to be in His strength and use the love He put inside of her to carry out His will. Yep, if the husband is the narrator we hear a man who knows his help comes from the Lord and that his wife is a gift he was allowed to share and grow with, while he was on this earth. He’s proud of her, delighted by her, amazed by her, grateful for her and so much more! Her age, the color or length of her hair, the beauty of her face are not addressed because what we see through this husband’s eyes is a woman who is loved by God and loved by her husband and he sees ALL her beauty because it resides in every part of her life. Beauty in decisions she makes, beauty in her love for others, beauty in her strengths and accomplishments. He receives respect at the city gate and the implication is that it’s because he believes he has been blessed by such a stunningly beautiful godly wife and the passage ends with, “and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”– That this same honor that her husband receives belongs to her in her own right as well.

    Does her husband have great leadership skills? Who gives a crap as not a single word is mentioned about this because as with all things, it’s not about leadership or mastering others or presenting oneself as strong that’s important, but instead it is all about one of God’s little ones loving HIM and being able to create things of true, lasting beauty because it was done through the Lord Jesus, the Son of God. And her husband was there beside her praising and enjoying her. Maybe he had done even more beautiful things through the Lord but he preferred to espouse on the virtues of his wife and to glorify the Lord this way.

    Well, this was a freebie for you. Sometimes I like to mix it up and speak the truth just to keep you guessing but don’t expect much more of these truths from me as I prefer to deceive and accuse and flatter stupid Christians cuz even though it makes it easier to see those who belong to me by Christians like those of you here at this website whose eyes have been opened by God, if I do it too often more of you might wake up to the truth. So nighty-nite God’s children, tomorrow will be another day for me to come up with another whopper of a lie to deceive the masses, but for tonight rest on the truth of God’s word — I’ll be slithering to a town near you soon enough — you can count on it!

    Mic Drop–Evil One out!

  35. Traumatized

    Thank you Barbara for looking out for me and changing my screen name. I’ll make note of it.

  36. Anewanon

    GB, Its scary to me to think about how God might choose to open your eyes and ears. If I were you I would ask God to give me eyes to see and ears to hear before its forced upon you in a most unwelcome way. This whole post reminds me of Job’s friends. I was once like you too. Ignorant and puffed up with pride, until my delusion of a marriage crumbled before my eyes. Pride goeth before a fall. I would fall on my knees and beg for wisdom before it happens to you due to pride. May you be blessed with wisdom and insight without the painful trauma that so often brings it.

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