A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

How Abusers Camouflage Their Attacks – an analogy that cyclists will identify with

You give your mouth free rein for evil, and your tongue frames deceit. (Psalms 50:19)

A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 26:28)

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)

I have been riding my bicycle for exercise the last two months or so. We have a pretty nice paved road running up the valley along the Nestucca River right by our house so it’s a good place to ride. There are deer and elk…and some cars and trucks.

I have some mirrors on the handlebars so when I hear a car coming from behind I can watch and see if they are going to get over. I wear a bright orange vest and a bright orange helmet wih a flashing red light on the back, but then drunks don’t see much of anything. One thing I have learned is that when I hear a car coming and it goes past me, I have to be very careful not to assume that there isn’t another vehicle coming right behind it. This requires caution because the sound of the first vehicle masks the sound of the second and if bicyclists aren’t watching, they could pull right out in front of the second car after the first one passes.

I was thinking about this today when I was riding and it struck me that this is a perfect illustration of how wicked abusers, with full intent and calculation, mask or camouflage their assault on their victim. Just like that first car, abusers use flattery or “making nice” in some way just before they stab with their sword-tongue. This is a kind of crazy-making tactic of course and it is particularly evil. Similarly the “setup stage” of the abuse wheel cycle is another method of masking a coming attack.

First car comes by, you are cautious, all goes well and it passes you. So if you aren’t thinking you pull out and wham! The second one gets you. Remember this the next time an abuser tries to sucker you in with flattering words, seemingly nice actions and so on. It is a bright red light (when you understand what is going on) warning you that an attack is forthcoming.

Are there, or were there, any “good” times with an abuser? Quite often survivors tell us, once they are well and truly out of the fog, that the answer is NO! Because even the “good times” were nothing more than a setup to run over the victim who is unsuspecting or confused.

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Further Reading

There Weren’t Really ANY “Good Times” With an Abuser

8 Comments

  1. Amy

    Good analogy. I finally was helped to see that even the good times were just a deception. Many people I encounter don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to accept kindness from men. That is because supposed kindness was used against me as a setup for harm. I struggle with determining whether or not the kindness is genuine. I had one man excuse his insensitivity towards me by saying “well, I’m not your ex-husband.” Sorry dude, but you are male and my mind can’t straighten out who is being genuine and who the snakes are.

    • Stronger Now

      A man who would excuse his insensitivity with those words is not one you probably want to keep hanging around. He’s showing his true colors. Don’t abusers accuse us of being “hyper-sensitive” – telling us that their actions are not cruel or hurtful, we’re the ones who have a problem when they hurt us? Blowing off your feelings by saying “I’m not your ex” sounds like there will be more of this down the road.

    • Ng

      Even without experiences with an abusive ex, it is wise NOT to be too trusting with people, and blindly accept them as ‘good’ and ‘kind’. Only time reveals their true motives, but even from the beginning, it’s best to have caution and trust one’s gut … An honest person can understand that – hopefully. If not, it’s something they need to learn along side with compassion..

      • Jeff Crippen

        Wise advice.

  2. anonymous

    Ng – You make a very good point. And really, those who are honest, without ill-intent, and God-fearing, will understand and and relate to our “NOT too trusting position.”

  3. Susan

    This also happens with other relationships, not just husband and wife. When it runs in families, it can also be the sister of your husband, who also does this.

    • Hi Susan
      welcome to A Cry For Justice 🙂 We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

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