A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

What Can We Say About Allies of the Abuser?

An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a mischievous tongue. (Proverbs 17:4)

An appalling and horrible thing has happened in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule at their direction; my people love to have it so, but what will you do when the end comes? (Jeremiah 5:30-31)

We have all been duped to one degree or another by the wicked. We know that one of the marks of the sociopath is his/her strikingly charming demeanor. “Nicest guy you could ask for.” “No better Christian than that fellow.” That sort of thing. I suspect all of us, myself included, can think back to times when we unwittingly enabled an abuser or at minimum were duped into believing his accusations against us. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could we have been so stupid? The answer is, that is the craft and spell of the abuser …and it can be very beguiling.

But we came out of it. The lights came on. We saw what was really going on and what this guy really was. We quit being his ally and we ceased being deceived by him.

We need to deal, however, with what the Scriptures quoted above are teaching us. My take on these Scriptures is that there are people who are not just duped or deceived, well-meaning but naive, but who in fact LOVE the things the abuser says. When his wicked lips speak and his evil tongue wags, the people who “love to have it so” are in fact revealed to be evildoers themselves. They are liars, so they love the lies. They are wicked, so they love lips that utter wicked accusations. These are the true, full-blown allies of the abuser.

And such people are revealed to be something else, or rather, shown to NOT be something else. Namely, the truth is revealed that they are not Christians at all. Birds of a feather you know, and these kind really do flock together.

I believe that this is largely why abuse victims are so regularly rejected, shamed, and accused by their own pastors and fellow church members when they reveal the abuse and ask for help. Sure, this terrible mishandling of an abuse case in the church can be due to ignorance. But when that ignorance persists in spite of the evidence right in front of its eyes, we must move away from naivete as an explanation and begin looking at the very real probability that these church folks are evildoers themselves, in league with evil. They love the lies, they believe the accusations, they crave to hear more from the forked tongue, and they do so all because they share the same DNA, fathered by the prince of darkness just like the abuser.

Who we listen to, who we enjoy hearing, whether we crave truth or lust for falsehood all tell quite a lot about who we truly are.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. (2Timothy 4:3-4)

Those times have surely arrived.

****

Further Reading

A Theory: Many Abuser Allies are Not Duped, but are Abusers Themselves as Well

21 Comments

  1. Suzanne

    I once felt shame because my siblings didn’t support me when I took a stand and refused to be abused any longer. They took the position that I was the abuser for cutting off all contact with the one who was hurting me. Now I know that the shame belongs to them and not to me.

    • want to be free

      I am sorry. This is exactly where I am now. Siblings who blame me or don’t want the boat rocked. Judging me harshly and not the narcissistic father. And on top of that our mother telling me I have to forgive and make things right with this man who attacked me with my little girl right there with me. After being abused by him herself.

    • standsfortruth

      You are right, the shame does belong to them Suzanne.
      I just wonder if people that choose to target and abuse are capable of even feeling shame.
      It seems like they are not, because given the opportunity to abuse again they cant seem to pass it up.

    • Denise

      I’m right there with you Suzanne. I took a stand for the first time against my father when he lashed out at my kids two years ago. You’d think with our history of being abused physically and emotionally I would be believed and supported. Nope. Even worse, they’ve turned against me which broke my heart. God knows the truth and that is all we need.

      “They hate him who reproves in the gate, and they abhor him who speaks the truth.” Amos 5:10

  2. Anonymous

    “An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a mischievous tongue. (Proverbs 17:4)”

    “An appalling and horrible thing has happened in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule at their direction; my people love to have it so, but what will you do when the end comes? (Jeremiah 5:30-31)”

    I have LOTS of female psychopaths in my family. A common tactic of several of them is to be perfect wives and mothers for the first few years and then after that, they abuse everyone in their lives for the REST of their lives–reminding them how they had once been so perfect so clearly it is everyone else’s fault that they are no longer this way–see how evil this is?

    Prior to the last decade of my life I didn’t realize how much of a pattern this was, but this is how it works in my family. (My brothers use a different strategy–they seek wives from women who have been abused in the past, and then mold then them into anorexic, obsessed-with-seeking-their-husbands-approval, human blow-up dolls. Eating disorders are the norm–for the women as well as the men–in my family). The husbands of the these sisters are at a loss to comprehend the truth, and end up destroyed. One of my sisters was so evil that she ended up giving AIDS to the man who took in her and her many children and wanted to be a father to them. She was an alcoholic and prior to dating her, he had never drank. (His first wife had died of cancer and they’d never had children. He was in his late thirties when they got together and was very wealthy.) He so badly wanted to share in her life so low and behold, he became a heavy drinker. The last I heard he had gone to jail for DUI, kept a Breathalyzer in his car and had lost his job and was heavily in debt–and don’t forget that he now had AIDS TOO!

    Now, these sisters (and aunts and nieces) know how to work the system. It seems to be an inborn trait among them. They really APPEAR to genuinely care about others and it seems like they want to become wise people. But it is ONLY A PLOY! If I hadn’t lived with some of them, I would have not believed that they were capable of such a great snow job. A different sister took me in for a time when I first moved out of my dad’s home. We hadn’t been close prior to this, but we ended up together constantly. She had recently married (the first marriage) and was pregnant. It was only years later that I realized the reason we were so “close” was because I was a rapt audience for her and I catered to her every whim. I listened to and bought all the stories she had manufactured in her head, and she was able to fine-tune her delivery of them, based on my reactions. ( I was painfully transparent and loving.)

    My siblings “LOVE TO HAVE IT SO”! They LOVE the system that’s in place in most churches today. They love the lies and they love to use guilt to get others to do things for them. They know just who to milk and they know just how to present themselves in order to get others going out of their way to help them. It’s not only amazing, but super gross to witness! They love the attention you see and other abusers are willing to make a big deal out of helping them because they BOTH love the spotlight and they are both willing to play the part so well.

    Whereas, people like most of us here, feel deep shame and fear and sadness and we are often so honest and so broken that we don’t make very good spectacles. We who are truly broken because we belong to the Lord, don’t go along with their schemes so we don’t bring in the instant credit these charlatans so crave. It’s a measured tactic by the way. The “Christians” who make a big deal out of helping the “unfortunate” get to get credit for doing good, which makes these abusers more than willing to “help out” people who “miraculously” get cured instantly because they are often of the same ilk. But those of us with a heart for the Lord, don’t instantly “heal” and therefore the deal can’t be closed in a timely manner, so we are useless. When they are accused of not helping the abused they can turn and point at these people (people like my sisters) to “show” how much they DO care and how much they HAVE helped others. Get it?

    Just another tactic used by the evil one to keep those who belong to the Lord, from living in the Holy Spirit and fellowshipping with God.

    • standsfortruth

      Now that I am physically away from my family related abusers,
      ( and sad to say that many seem to be my children with my ex abuser)
      I will sometimes get phone calls from certain older ones to try to snow job me into thinking that they care about me, but as we talk but I can tell that there is a different agenda going on.

      So I find a way to bring into the conversation a way to talk about “What is important to God”, and mention about how when we are dealing with others “it is the motives and intent of the heart – that is Truly what God cares about.
      As I continue explaining examples of evil heart intentions verses good intentions, I can sense a sudden quietness and restlessness on the other end of the phone.

      Knowing at that point that I must have hit a nerve, I continue expounding on this truth and before long, they suddenly remember an appointment, or have an emergency phone call they need to make and have to go. Needless to say I usually don’t hear back from them for a while…

      With a true believer talking about the matter of the intent of the heart would not be an uncomfortable subject, because “We as true believers”- “do not seek to hurt others for evil gain”.
      But with an abuser or an enabler, talking about this subject sheds too much uncomfortable light for them to want to discuss or listen to it.

      • Anonymous

        Standsfortruth, I’m again amazed at how similar our experiences are.

        I’ve experienced this as well–years ago with one of my sisters. It was long before I knew about the severe personality disorders that run rampant in my family. My kids were all in school by then, but hers were still toddlers. She would call and talk to me, but I too got the sense that it was for reasons other than to just share our lives. It was always all about her. There were a few times where I just couldn’t take it and would blab about myself without letting her get a word in edgewise, and this would quickly end the conversation. I started to volunteer at my children’s school, and initially, this made my sister very angry which I thought was strange, but as time went by God revealed that this sister had been trying to break up my marriage so that I would have no recourse but to go and live with her as her nanny. This would have been a dream come true for her–to have me under her control, to be able to bad-mouth me to others, and to use me. She had gotten her college education by taking advantage of one of her boyfriends and his family, but she always dissuaded me from getting mine. Even now I’m amazed that God protected me from an absolutely hopeless life–the life that these abusers desire for us.

        Blessedly, the past decade God had me so pinned down that I couldn’t even pretend that I had anything to offer. As I’ve stated previously, due to a hacker, I stopped using the phone for years at a time and because these people had done so much harm to me in the past, I wouldn’t even allow myself to read their emails (I got rid of my account) and sent their mail back. And I see once again how this horrible time in my life which was full of heartbreak and pain, was actually God showing me the truth and teaching me that I could trust in Him, and that He loved me dearly.

        Thank you again Standsfortruth for bringing another subject up. I always pray that one of God’s little ones who may not be able to comment, is able to be helped by the things we share with each other.

  3. Sister

    Awesome post with one exception, “Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could we have been so stupid?” We were not and are not at all stupid. It’s not the victim’s fault.

    We were educated/groomed to be prey everywhere from our families/the pulpit/elders to Christian radio and even through secular education. Rather than being taught to be on the look out for evil masquerading as light, we are taught to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and since we cannot change others we are taught to look within ourselves and change how we react as if that is the real evil. Even on the secular side we cannot call people evil. We are supposed to at worst think it’s a personality disorder & pity them.

    Also, as my sister always points out to me we were taught to obey authority. All this combined with false headship teaching a favorite false doctrine of abusers & their allies, means intelligent (not stupid) women do not stand a chance because they are taught defying the abuser is defying God & His Word.

    • Anonymous

      “…we are taught to look within ourselves and change how we react as if that is the real evil.”

      Excellent observation! Oh, how we end up chasing our tails for YEARS with this horrendous advice!

      “Even on the secular side we cannot call people evil. We are supposed to at worst think it’s a personality disorder & pity them.”

      Again, excellent observation! And there are laws that enforce this “politically correct” thought policing.

      “Also, as my sister always points out to me we were taught to obey authority. All this combined with false headship teaching a favorite false doctrine of abusers & their allies, means intelligent (not stupid) women do not stand a chance because they are taught defying the abuser is defying God & His Word.”

      Yep. We are forced to “dumb it down” and to deny our truthful observations of others. Those of us here know far too well how true John 8:44 is when it tells us there is no truth in these evil people but instead of teaching us what this looks like when we see it in another human, we are instead told to blindly submit to ALL men, to ALL authority and if we have a problem with this–it’s because WE are the problem!

      • LovingMyFreedom

        Girls, especially in the church, are taught from an early age to be obedient to men. Submissiveness and silence, especially in the church, has been the feminine ideal. That mindset held me captive for years. I searched and searched my own soul for the reasons for the problems we had in our marriage, always trying to be more submissive, yet internally, and sometimes externally, resisting that idea. Still, rethinking the headship-submission paradigm was a great leap for me because I didn’t want to displease God. That’s why it took so long, yet God is faithful, and little by little, I changed my thinking until suddenly, one day, I became bold enough to declare publicly in a Sunday school class that the headship-submission doctrine was a false doctrine.

        Anyone who make an alliances with an abusers holds to some belief system that is in agreement with that of the abuser, much of the time without being aware of it. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time to educate people regarding the way they think about women and a woman’s place and abuse. Some people are resistant to being educated because they love their false beliefs. Surprisingly, some women can be more resistant than men because it means they can abdicate responsibility.

        For some people, making a shift in their thinking is traumatic as it can make their whole world come tumbling down, but it needs to happen so they can build a foundation on the truth of Jesus Christ. Chances are good that if they are resistant to being educated, they don’t know Christ. They have built their world on the theories of man, and while they look spiritual, it’s a false world.

      • Anonymous

        LovingMyFreedom, Thank you! Great insights into the depth and reasons why many of us submit to abusers and why we may be resistant to change.

        In another post on this website (https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2016/05/23/a-story-of-lifelong-abuse-by-a-narcissistic-parent-and-the-path-to-freedom/) it explains how oftentimes a woman’s major support system is her family, and if she realizes some of them are toxic and that she must separate from them, she is basically alone. If a persons family has been their only support, this can be soul-destroying. In her case it was her mother that was abusive. Here’s a quote from the post. The author is actually quoting a professional here:

        “. . .the adult child who cuts her mother out of her life is judged on the spot, labeled as ungrateful, irrational, immature, impetuous, or acting out. The myths of motherhood are largely responsible for this cultural stance, those (false) truisms that tell us that all mothers are loving, that mothering is instinctual, and that maternal love is unconditional. These myths — combined with the Fourth Commandment — make the daughter the responsible party.”

        It was with wisdom that you wrote, “For some people, making a shift in their thinking is traumatic as it can make their whole world come tumbling down, but it needs to happen so they can build a foundation on the truth of Jesus Christ.” Yes, it needs to happen but wouldn’t it be sweet if there was a place for them to go to find solace and love and an explanation as to why they feel the way they do? Oh, that’s right! That’s what THIS website does! I’m so grateful that you shared and again I’d like to reiterate that ACFJ is a little slice of heaven right here on earth!

    • Jeff Crippen

      Sister – you are right. I didn’t make the “stupid” statement clear enough. I intended it to be a statement of what we tell ourselves, wrongly. Thanks for pointing that out.

    • Sister

      Thank you Anonymous & Jeff!

  4. Sunflower

    Of course they love the words of the abuser. Then they don’t have to get their hands dirty. Abusers are masters of flattery, and who doesn’t love that? And, guess who often gives the most money to the church?

  5. Discovering Freedom

    My abuser ‘got in first’ and cried abuse when they didn’t get what they wanted in a church context. It was a protracted adult tantrum that has now gone on for a number of years. You see they believed they heard the word of God and that was that. If it was questioned, watch out! I found that out first hand. They drummed up a following of allies that then proceeded to abuse me, writing the most vile stuff to me and cutting me off – some of these folks I had a very good friendship with for a number of years. That hurt more than the abuse. It was then I realised we may not be following the same God. Other leadership at the church didn’t help me – they kept saying it would get better. I think they were scared of this fellow leader. It never has gotten better. In time, some have come around, seeing the true nature of this person and many folks don’t want to get involved lest they get the treatment I do.

  6. healinginhim

    I can’t believe how this post and the comments have directly spoken to me. Thank you for sharing ‘the truth.’ It definitely helps to heal and affirm as one prayerfully moves towards a life that honors the Lord.

  7. jesusfollowingishard

    My church now and my former one were, are supportive, my pastor from my last church noticed something was up before I said anything, my pastor now showed wisdom and sent us to a clinical counselor that himself was a police officer for 15 years and a counseling pastor for 15 years, he figured out my husband was emotionally spiritually abusive by the third visit I went back to the counselor myself, he walked me over to an attorneys office to show his support for separation, as I look back on this I am wowed and thankful for this, for the wisdom and support when quite a few people don’t get that at least for a while.

    • kim

      Praise God! I am very happy for you. So glad you got the support you needed.

  8. StandsWithAFist

    2 Cor 5:11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who calls himself a Christian who is sexually immoral, or greedy, or an idolater, or verbally abusive, or a drunkard, or a swindler. Do not even eat with such a person.

    Do not even eat with such a person.

    In my experience, family allies have intentionally chosen the abuser for “Girls Night Out”, regularly meeting at various restaurants, where the abuser pays the tab. Loyalty comes cheap: a cheeseburger will buy it.

    The so-called pastor, who offered “family counseling” b/c of the abuser, violated our confidence so many times that it became clear he was clueless.

    He pushed reconciliation over repentance, forgiveness over contrition, saying the abuser was elderly & thus lacked the capacity to repent b/c elderly people have “inelastic brains”. Seriously. Where does it say that in Scripture???

    But the abuser was not “inelastic” when she remarried a man with money, re-wrote her will & trust, and bought loyalty from allies….. & the ceremony was officiated by the same so-called pastor. I’m sure she paid him, too.

    So now she is widowed again (after severely neglecting her husband with dementia, while cleverly squirreling away much of his money) & her “inelastic brain” allowed her to sell the family farm (but keep her precious car) & buy an apartment in upscale-assisted living complex so she could party, yet still drive to the mall for Girls Night Out and fancy clothes.

    But the same pastor still regularly meets the abuser for free meals at the “Assisted Living” center—conveniently located across the street from the church. What a cash-cow this must be for everyone. What a farce it is.

    Yet, the apostle Paul was clear to not even eat with such people.

  9. anonymous

    It took me a while to see the truth about the enablers of my psychopath narcissist ‘husband’. But I need not be too hard on myself about this because after all, being in a highly dense, fog-filled room can leave you staggering and stumbling before finding the EXIT sign and even then, recovery, therapy and healing from the trauma are needed before it all becomes crystal clear! True friends upon seeing me wept and said things to me like this:

    “You remind me of someone returning home from being a POW.”
    “You look shell-shocked and I hardly recognize you after being with that abusive terrorist ‘husband.'”
    “The fear and terror in your eyes make me tremble.”
    “Where is the woman I used to know before you married him?”
    “I hate what he has done to you.”
    “We are thankful you did not return home in a box.”

    I started noticing his enablers treating me differently, here in the USA and abroad. I knew he was telling them horrible lies about me, scapegoating and projecting, and of course behind closed doors abusing and Gas-lighting me! How many Saturday nights he tortured me all through the night then stepped in the pulpit Sunday morning with a million-dollar smile and a sermon!!

    I would defend myself to his enablers, which only made matters worse. I could not understand why these people (many professing Christians, including a pastor) would ONLY listen to my abuser and not have compassion to hear me. It would really hurt me deeply but after being rescued and going No Contact for 1 year it all started making sense. Now I not only do NOT care (post-divorce) what his enablers think about me, I wear it as a badge of honor BECAUSE, they really do share the same DNA; and God has removed me from them all!

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