A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Church discipline in domestic abuse? How do I find a good counselor? Two FAQs

How does church discipline apply in cases of domestic abuse?

How do I find a good counselor?

These are two new pages in our Frequently Asked Questions.  We encourage you to check them out!

All our FAQs are worth looking at, especially if you are relatively new to our blog. You can find them by clicking on FAQ in the top menu.

6 Comments

  1. Stuck in the cycle

    Thank you SO MUCH for this post. It is so helpful as I prepare to go before the elders

    • Anonymous

      I am a survivor of two abusive marriages. I did go to my church leaders in the first marriage and Matthew 18 was carried out. My ex was later excommunicated from the church. What I did not know at the time, my ex was abusive to his first wife who fled from him…this was later discovered after I came forward.

      Going before a group of elders can be unnerving and yet I was so beaten down, tired, hopeless and drained, so that when I had opportunity to speak of the real horror in the marriage I remained focused on what I was doing according to Matthew 18, and the outcome was completely up to HIM!

      I would like to encourage you to remain confident and courageous. My prayer for you will be that you are going before a godly group of elders.

      • Stuck in the cycle

        Anon,
        Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers. I am praying and praying because I am so unnerved at the thought of opening up my life even more to strange men. I am still trying to learn and read as much as I can – I knew something was really wrong and ungodly in the way my husband treated me but didn’t have a name for it until recently – he’s an abuser. How wonderful you had godly elders who saw it! I admit, I do not have much confidence in my elders. I am in a heavy headship church – can’t go into details. I don’t think there is a reasonable chance they will think what I bring is as serious as it is (plus it’s so unforgiving to have some examples from years ago!) and I expect they will allow themselves to be snowed by the h who is amazing at talking and twisting things out of context, exaggerating (lying), denying (lying) and “repenting” by saying things like he just wants to move forward. He actually emailed them several times already to prime them even more against me m, including saying he’s just trying to hard to repent, but I won’t let him (!!!!!) and will have plenty of examples of “lack of submission”. Sorry, I am rambling. But thank you again so much!

      • …I am so unnerved at the thought of opening up my life even more to strange men. …I do not have much confidence in my elders. I am in a heavy headship church – can’t go into details. I don’t think there is a reasonable chance they will think what I bring is as serious as it is

        I encourage you to trust your gut feeling that these men will not believe you. Your fear about opening up your life to these strange men is well founded, since it’s clear to you already that your h has been going to great lengths to do a snow job on them. It’s healthy to be afraid of those who are likely to oppress us and entrap us. So your fear is healthy. In fact, I would say it is the Holy Spirit moving in you to warn you that these men are going to treat you unkindly.

        You might want to consider just telling them that you don’t want to talk to them because so far they’ve not given you any confidence to trust they will believe you and support you. Put it back in their court. Why walk into a lions den when you know the lions are ravenous?

        I also encourage you to ring a Hotline and talk about your situation, asking them what assistance and help the secular system might be able to provide to you.

  2. Memphis Rayne

    It’s good you are so aware too of how he is “Priming” his allies. I remember a time I was not so aware of the detailed ways as to which an abuser attacks. I suspect it is the same as going to court against an abuser. Even attorneys will guide you and direct you to not “Be angry” because anger in a woman is never justified in the minds of Judges…Your anger no matter how justified will be received with ridicule.and these people have already judged you, They will sit and pretend their minds are not already made up based on the emails of your abuser. (Maybe not? But it’s better for you to go knowing they may) Nonetheless, the TRUTH is with you, and IN you, and they cannot take that from you. Go with strength and peace.

  3. Anonymous

    Stuck in the cycle, my situation obviously was much different than yours. I had a long history with my elders and therefore I trusted them. They believed me in the very beginning and encouraged me to go public, according to Matthew 18.

    From what you have described, and saying that you have no confidence in the elders, is alarming and of great concern. They have potential to further harm you.

    Be assured of my prayers. May you surround yourself with people who will build you up, comfort you, believe you and come alongside you and lead you to safety.

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