A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

The abusers sees; he just disagrees. He knows he is doing wrong; he just doesn’t care.

Many people think that the abuser can’t see his sins, so he needs to be shown them.

But the abusers sees, he just disagrees. The abuser knows what he does is wrong, he just doesn’t care. He believes he’s entitled to do it. And he’s very dedicated to that belief. He wants to keep it. And he goes to great lengths to resist dropping it. He lies in a thousand ways to conceal how much he wants to maintain his belief that he’s entitled to abuse others. He loves his lies; they keep his fortress safe.

Revelation 22:15 speaks about those who love and practice falsehood. So Christians shouldn’t deny that there are people like this. Abusers don’t just utter a lie here or there; they practice falsehood as a way of life, as a full-body disguise. This is exactly what the domestic abuser or the skilled sexual molester does. His lying involves going to great lengths to make himself an object of pity and to throw up many smokescreens so that people don’t see his belief and how entrenched it is.

***

For further reading: 

Minimising abuse

Denial versus lying 

The Abuser is Acting With Intentionality — It Takes us Normals a Long Time to Realize This

Abuse as Cruelty – Willful and Intentional Infliction of Pain and Suffering

 

12 Comments

  1. Herjourney

    Oh how sickening is the object of the abusers pity .
    No repentance
    Only rebellion against God’s Son. Jesus Christ.

  2. Amy

    “His lying involves going to great lengths to make himself an object of pity and to throw up many smokescreens so that people don’t see his belief and how entrenched it is.”

    And it goes on long after the divorce is final too. I shouldn’t be, but I’m still amazed at how my ex continues to do things to this day to try and make himself look like the victim and me the villain. How grateful I am to be out of that marriage!

  3. Still Struggling

    THIS!!!! Oh how I wish this truth bomb had dropped on me decades ago! It has finally sunk into my head that this is true! My AH has basically admitted to it lately because I see it now. Hard to get away with it now but boy does the pity party start when I call him out on it.

  4. Suzanne

    I’m always glad to see articles that talk about the sin of abuse. Too many people blame abuse on bad experiences (“hurting people hurt people”) or a myriad of psychological conditions (they have a mental “illness”, and so they’re not responsible for the things they do to hurt others). Recently I’ve begun to see posts that claim abusers have brain damage that causes them to hurt people. It’s shocking to me that so many people, even the victims of abuse, stand ready to accept these excuses without any evidence of their validity and relieve abusers of any responsibility for the pain they cause. This is the mess we end up with when we fail to apply Biblical wisdom and knowledge to human behavior.

  5. StandsWithAFist

    Several years ago, Pastor Dave Orrison on his blog, Grace for My Heart, wrote a post about “apologies” & how to discern a genuine one:

    The difference between the narcissistic apology and a real apology is the center. In the center of the narcissistic apology is the offender saying, “I am hurting because of this.” The real apology sees the victim in the center and says, “You are hurting because of this.” The difference is empathy. Just like always, the narcissist doesn’t care about your pain, just his/her own.

    The purpose of a narcissistic apology is to divert attention away from the offender. Your knowing and accusing gaze is extremely painful. You see too much and too well. Under that scrutiny, the abuser is laid bare and vulnerable.

    It would appear that Andy Savage & HP Church issued fake apologies.

    They “see”..,,they just don’t agree, nor do they care who they’re hurting.

    The entire post can be read here: https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/narcissistic-apologies-2/

  6. M&M

    This is definitely consistent with their behavior, but to me “feeling entitled” is “feeling like it’s right” so it sounds contradictory. They feel like it’s right and wrong?

    • Dear M&M, maybe this will help.

      There are two ways a person can feel entitled. One is in accordance with godliness. The other is in accordance with the devil.

      If a person is being unjustly treated, oppressed, belittled, threatened, abused… if their dignity and humanity or their rights under the law of the land are being eroded, undermined, besmirched, or ignored …. then that person ((being made in the image of God) is entitled to resist, object and defend himself/herself. This is what the Apostle Paul did in Acts 16:35-39; 22:25, 23:1; and 25:10-11. And you could find many other examples in Scripture, I’ve just given you a few from Paul’s life.

      If a person is operating from a mentality of entitlement to unjustly treat, oppress, belittle, threaten or abuse another person by eroding, undermining, besmirching, or ignoring the dignity, humanity and rights of that other person, then that person has a devilish mentality of entitlement.

      This post may also be helpful. I’m sure you’ve seen it before, but revisiting it may be helpful. The abusers have been so skilled at weaving their fog into our brains, it takes a lot of work to dispel the fog.

      https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2016/05/30/defining-domestic-abuse-by-a-list-of-behaviors-is-never-going-to-capture-it/

  7. Legally Separated

    While I agree with the content of this post, as someone who is currently married but legally separated from an abusive husband who creates his own reality with lies, I do sincerely believe that there are those out there who are simply blinded by their sin and when once shown the errors of their ways, with help from the Holy Spirit, are convicted and turn from their behaviors with true repentance and remorse.

    It would be in the best interest of the abused spouse as well as their abusive partner to attempt disclosure and reconciliation using appropriate, loving and safe steps. I would like to see people encouraged to get effectual help to see if repentance is possible for the abusive partner before throwing in the towel.

    • Hi dear sister and welcome to A Cry For Justice 🙂

      You said that you

      sincerely believe that there are those out there who are simply blinded by their sin and when once shown the errors of their ways, with help from the Holy Spirit, are convicted and turn from their behaviors with true repentance and remorse.

      I agree that the Holy Spirit can convict a person of sin and God can bring that person to genuine repentance and salvation. I also acknowledge that the Bible talks about how sin can blind people. The Bible doesn’t speak about such blindness as if it excuses the person because they are blind. And while the Bible tells believers to warn unbelievers about the wrath of God and tell them how they may be saved, it does not tell us that we should put immense effort over a long time to convey this message to hard hearted people who are showing that they are rejecting the message we bring. Instead, the Bible tells us things like ‘shake the dust off your feet’… shake out your robes telling the hypocritical and spiritual abusive Pharisees that you are innocent of their blood and you will take the gospel message elsewhere. It tells us to cast the hypoctrical ‘believers’ who commit heinous sins out of the church. It does not tell us “Just find the right way to speak to these stony hearted hypocrites. Just keep trying to find the right tone or the right way to point out their sins to them. And keep trying on and on to do that … You are responsible for seeing if you can bring them to repentance.”

      Only the Spirit can bring someone to repentance unto saving faith.

      I encourage you to look at this item from our FAQs: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/what-if-the-abuser-is-repentant/

      And I want to let you know that we have mixed feelings about Leslie Vernick’s teaching.
      The following posts and the comments on those posts explain why we have mixed feelings about her:

      Wise as Serpents: Does the Christian Still Have an Evil Heart? (Part 24 of Sermon Series)

      Review of Leslie Vernick’s “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”

      You also mentioned in your comment that –

      It would be in the best interest of the abused spouse as well as their abusive partner to attempt disclosure and reconciliation using appropriate, loving and safe steps

      We are very cautious about recommending anything like that. The reason is, when the abused spouse attempts disclosure and reconciliation, the abuser usually manipulates the bystanders (e.g. the counselors, pastors, congregation, family and friends) to take his side and the victim ends up being even more disbelieved, condemned and isolated. And it’s fairly-land thinking to suggest that the abusive spouse attempt disclosure and reconciliation because of what I just said… almost always, such ‘attempts’ made by the abuser makes be snow jobs… just more clever and more crafty manipulation.

      So I’d like to encourage you to consider reading the links I gave you above about Leslie Vernick. Also, we always encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And after reading the New Users’ Info page, you might like to look at our FAQ page.

      By the way, I changed your screen name to Legally Separated as it looked like you had given you real name. If you want us to change it to something else, just email TWBTC (The Woman Behind The Curtain) —twbtc.acfj@gmail.com — she will be happy to assist. 🙂

      And once again, welcome to the blog. 🙂

    • And here’s one more post from our blog you might like to look at, Legally Separated. 🙂

      https://cryingoutforjustice.com/how-can-i-leave-when-im-the-only-one-who-is-giving-a-gospel-witness-to-him/

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