A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Question for our readers – why do some of you prefer to comment on FB rather than our blog?

Dear reader, if you comment at our Facebook page but don’t comment at our blog, could you please tell us why you do that?

We prefer to receive comments at the blog. Facebook posts and comments quickly drop out of visibility. If you want to see a post which was put on Facebook some months ago, it’s almost impossible to find it. But if you want to search for a blog post which was published months or years ago, it is much easier to find it. We know that many of our blog readers look at posts which were published months or years ago, and they are reading and adding comments on many of our old posts. So the conversation on the blog remains very much alive, no matter how long ago a post was first published.

If is also easier for us as Admins to search at the back of the blog to find your comments from long ago, if we need to do so. Sometimes we do this in order to direct one reader to a comment written by another reader.

Safety is better at the blog

Another advantage of commenting at our blog as opposed to our Facebook page is that we as Admins have much more ability to moderate comments at the blog. We read each comment submitted to the blog before it goes ‘live’. We might edit out or airbrush details which could be too identifying. That keeps you more safe.

And on the blog we encourage you to use a pseudonym if you are in any danger from your abuser or his allies. Whereas if you comment on Facebook and your FB identity is your real name, your abuser has more ablity to stalk you. (Facebook is “stalk-book”)

So, over to you

If you are one of the people who comment at the ACFJ Facebook page but do not comment at ACFJ blog itself, please can you tell us

  1. Why do you do that?
  2. What would make it easier for you to comment at the blog?

50 Comments

  1. mr o shays

    facebook for anyone paying attention is a seriously no-go area; at all times. Gone from there long time me.

  2. I feel the same way. I would far prefer for people to comment on my blog post rather than my Facebook post of the blog, for the same reason, because it’s a much better way to continue the conversation. I’d also like to know the answer to this.

    • Nanny

      I didn’t realize this and I will start commenting on both blogs. Makes so much sense.Thanks for letting us know. I usually don’t comment much on either FB or blogs, but I might start doing it.

      • Nanny

        I do comment in private groups that I belong to, but it’s talking with other members of the group.

      • Nanny,

        We would love to have you comment as you can!!

        Also, I see that you commented a few years back under a different screen name. If you would like all your comments to use the same screen name, feel free to contact me at twbtc.acfj@gmail.com and I can make any changes you would like to your screen name. I don’t want to say what your original screen name was as it is a first name and I don’t know if your situation is safe. If your situation isn’t safe you may want to consider change that original screen name.

        Thank you for your comments today!!

      • Thanks Nanny!

  3. KayJay

    Personally I’d much rather comment on the blog, although I don’t do that very much either. It’s much more anonymous. When you comment on Facebook, even though your friends may not be following A Cry For Justice, they can see your comments in a random pop up thread. Not that that’s a bad thing either… I love to read everyone’s comments both places. They are very helpful and comforting. If you want to remain anonymous though, this is the place to do it.

  4. Finding Answers

    Answering from the non-FB side of the coin…

    I do not use any social media. Were it not for this blog, including all the incredibly informative older posts, I would still be reaching and searching for answers. There is a wealth of information here, whether from the original post or the various comments.

    I am very uncomfortable with the amount of information required by many social media venues, even when I turn off all the bits and pieces of “profile” switches I can find. (I do this on my desk top computer, too…)

    On ACFJ, I have noted the many times the administrators / moderators have taken the time to airbrush / dis-identify details in a comment, even changing the name the comment is posted under, to provide protection and safety. And blocking posts from those who would do harm.

    I have wondered, sometimes, what I have missed by not following the ACFJ FB page, but not enough to overcome my wariness of social media.

    My profoundest gratitude to to everyone on the ACFJ website, past and present.

    (Yes, Barbara and TWBTC, I am tentatively taking my first step towards visibility here and have read the New User Info, etc. I will do my best to keep from adding to your workload.)

    • Finding Answers,

      Welcome to the blog!! Thank you for your comment and the courage it took to make it! It is very encouraging!!

      And I won’t recommend you read the New User’s page as you have already done that – but may I suggest that you check out the FAQ …though I suspect you already have 🙂

      Again, Welcome! And keep commenting as you feel comfortable.

    • Bless you, Finding Answers!

  5. Jennie

    I can only follow you on Facebook as I have attempted several times to follow your blog via email but the attempts always failed.

    • Jennie,

      I added your email address to our followers’ list. You should receive a confirmation email. Follow the prompts on the email and that should enable you to receive email notifications when ACFJ publishes a new post.

      If you continue to have problems, please feel free to contact me at twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

      Hope this solves the problem.

      And Welcome to the blog!

  6. julie

    For me, it’s more out of habit. I’m used to social media and don’t read blogs as much. I am just trying to be intentional in commenting on the blog.

    • julie,

      Thank you for your efforts to comment on the blog! We appreciate that. And with that said..

      Welcome to the blog! You may have heard us say this before but we like to encourage new commenters to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

  7. Brother Maynard

    I didn’t know you have a Facebook page. I’d rather post here, as I dont particularly care for the “security” of Facebook.

  8. Un-Tangled

    I believe that you stopped allowing comments on all your posts here and only allowed them once a week (or so)? I can totally understand why you did–the number of comments that you had to moderate must have been overwhelming. However, many times comments were closed here but they weren’t closed at Facebook so I just started commenting there. I started to forget to check if a post was open to comments here.

    • Un-Tangled,

      You are correct – about a year ago we did close comments except for our Monday post. Then last fall we made some changes to the blog. One of those changes was to reinstate comments on all posts, which is typically Mondays, Thursdays, and sometimes Sundays. I am sorry we didn’t make our readers more aware of that change. Also, since reinstating comments we have gone back and reinstated comments on past posts where comments were originally closed.

      Your comment today was very helpful in making us aware of the confusion of past closed comments. So thank you!!

    • Thanks so much for this feedback, Un-Tangled!

      We closed comments on some of our blog posts last year because some of the team were pretty burned out. But now we have opened all comments up again.

  9. LauraGrace

    I don’t follow ACFJ on Facebook so I can’t answer your question, but I want to tell you that I love the fact that here we can read older posts and comment no matter how old the original post was, and it all still seems relevant! Often times you (Barbara or Jeff) will comment when someone brings up one of these older posts and that is so encouraging. When I see that I am always amazed (I shouldn’t be). It’s so encouraging and comforting – knowing that you are there! These old posts would be lost seemingly forever on fb but here users can find tons of support and information by reading both current and past posts. I think you’re doing a great job and I appreciate it so much!

    I do wish it was a bit easier to ask for advice or opinions on your own personal situations on this site. Facebook makes that very easy, but I don’t post on fb due to privacy and safety concerns. Perhaps that’s one reason people post over there rather than here.

    For instance, I have a friend who is about to marry a guy who I am convinced is only interested in obtaining a green card. I have told her my concerns and she blows them off. I would love to ask people here if they have any advice or resources I could share with her, but I don’t know how to do that here except to maybe find a blog post that may have some relevance and post a comment/question there.

    • Hi Laura Grace, you said:

      I do wish it was a bit easier to ask for advice or opinions on your own personal situations on this site. … For instance, I have a friend who is about to marry a guy who I am convinced is only interested in obtaining a green card. I have told her my concerns and she blows them off. I would love to ask people here if they have any advice or resources I could share with her, but I don’t know how to do that here except to maybe find a blog post that may have some relevance and post a comment/question there.

      That is one reason we created the FAQ page. If you dig into what we have under our FAQ tab you will probably find posts that you could share with your friend. Or you could read stuff there yourself and it might give you ideas about what to say to your friend.

      Also, our Resources tab has many things on it which might give you ideas for how to help your friend.

      We know that the search bar on the blog only brings up words that are in a post. So if you can remember some key words from a comment on one of our posts, and you put those key words into the search bar, you won’t find the comment you were looking for. That’s an artefact of the WordPress.com platform and we can’t change it.

      But the more you become familiar with what’s on our FAQ page and our Resources page, the more equipped you will become at sourcing things that might assist you to help other victim-survivors.

  10. Came alongside

    I would like to add a comment in support of Barbara’s encouragement to use the blog instead of Facebook for responses to AC FJ.

    Some years ago I was walking with my best friend/sister through her horrific divorce from a malignant narcissistic abuser. Although she and I had both blocked her husband during divorce proceedings, he still was able to find sycophants who would allow him to use their Facebook to stalk her comments, and mine.

    He had the gall to send me an anonymous letter with photocopies of one of my posts berating me in a “typical Christian loving way” and rebuking me for what he assumed was a post aimed at him. He just wasn’t smart enough to cover up the picture to the left of the comments on the photocopy–the picture that identified which person’s Facebook he had used to track my posts. We knew it was him, not the person in the photo, because he used all sorts of editing markups on the photocopy to emphasize words or other things that he contended with. Those were the same editing marks that he used when writing up his sermons. Like I said, he’s not smart. Wily, wicked, but not smart.

    On another post of hers where she did not mention his name nor the details of his current abuse of her (only of the turmoil her emotions were going through) he had someone else print out pages of her post and all of the comforting and encouraging words said back to her be those on her friend list. Then he wrote beside each name how she was acquainted with that person, be it our church, an affiliated church, personal friendships outside of church, or some relative. He then presented this in court as though it were evidence that she was defaming him publicly though his name was never directly mentioned nor indirectly alluded to… Just comments about the painful hardships she was enduring (which we all knew that, without her having to say so, that he was the cause of).

    When presenting this in court it was intended as emotional harassment coupled with getting weak judges to agree with his sob story (she is ruining MY reputation!) then the judge would admonish her to not speak of him or proceedings on a public forum. She had not spoken of him or the proceedings, but simply her own emotional pain. But the judge still chose to admonish and basically rebuke her even though she had done nothing wrong. Her now ex was, and continues to be, quite accomplished at gaining allies, lying, and manipulating facts and people.

    None of us ever dreamed he would stoop lower and lower, and even lower, in his abuse of her within the legal system. At the outset of the separation and subsequent divorce most people privy to the situation would still have said “Oh no, he would never do that! He’s a minister.”. (gag)

    Suffice to say, if you have been abused enough to be following this website you cannot predict the depths* that your abuser will go to to continue his power-play of abusing you. Nor can you predict the narrative he may be creating to beguile others into believing of how awful you are, how you are mistreating him, and how deserving you are of his punishment.

    *”The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9
    (It is with great hope that we can read the next verse which states, “I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”)

    Conclusion? It is my plea that you follow Barbara’s advice and comment via the blog so that you do not give your abuser ammunition to use against you. Even if you think your Facebook comments are non incriminating (because, after all, YOU would never even think of manipulating someone’s innocuous comment to paint an untrue picture) a person with evil intent can twist your comments for his own vile use.

    Use the blog, use a pseudonym. Be prudent in every communication with everyone. Frankly, if you still have joint “friends” on FB you may wish to consider blocking them just as you have done with him, at least for the present time.

    Another safety tactic is to create an alternate Facebook account with a very plain Jane name. Then invite only the people you trust with your life to be your friends. You can communicate with them after they have accepted your friendship. You can occasionally go on your first created Facebook account so that it still looks like you are semi-active on your original account and commenting on that account with very general things like “Oh What a Beautiful Day!” or a scripture of encouragement. Keep all your important heartfelt or details of your life comments on your alternate account that only your safest friends have been invited to.

    But remember, nothing disappears from the internet. If you need to get something about him off your chest, but don’t want something to maybe haunt you in the future, don’t use electronic media (social media, texting, email) to communicate it. Say it to someone safe verbally and privately. If you must communicate with your legal counsel by email create a new email account specifically for that purpose with a specifically difficult password. If you are still using the phone and phone service provider that you were using when still living with him, (because quite possibly he’s the one that set up the phone accounts for the household) though it may cost you money you weren’t anticipating, get a new phone, with a new number, with a new carrier. Possibly ask if someone close to you who he doesn’t have contact with will add you as a new line to their account that you pay them for each month. This way he has no ability to finagle his way through phone carrier protocols to access info about you.

    I don’t need to go into the details but if you are still using the phone, the number, and the carrier that he originally set up he can GPS track you, he can have access to your text messages, and he can cancel your phone service out of spite… *even after you get your own account (that you pay for) with the same carrier*. I don’t know about all carriers but I do know the almost ex actually did it to my friend through T-Mobile after threatening to do it. He tracked her, he even called people she called (yes, after she obtained her own separate private account with the same carrier) because he still accessed her phone logs to numbers she called that he previously had no way of knowing.

    Sorry this is so long. I am passionate about you protecting yourself from danger you had not anticipated because you don’t have thought patterns predisposed to purposely harming others like your abuser does. Be safe, Sisters!

    • Finding Answers

      Came Alongside wrote:

      “But remember, nothing disappears from the internet.”

      I can vouch for that – I can still find a post of mine from the early 1990s.

      Thank you for taking the time to write such an informative post, covering a plethora of narc nastiness.

    • Came Alongside, may we re-publish your comment as a stand alone post?

      We would also like to put a link to it on the Social Networking section of our Resources. Is that okay?

    • the fog is lifting

      Came alongside,
      You make great points. Excellent safety planning.

      I am not on any social media because I don’t want the abuser to be able to find anything at all about me online. It’s a huge pain sometimes because people reply so much on Facebook and twitter, but still it’s just not worth the risk to me.

      ACFJ team, I, too, appreciate so much the time and effort you put into editing comments that might contain identifying information. I know it’s a lot of work but I’m so so thankful for your commitment to victim safety.

  11. fostymom

    I normally don’t comment on FB because it is not private, but you have posed a question that I had never considered. So. Thank you for bringing it to my/our attention.

  12. FinallyFree

    its possibly easier for people to comment on Facebook because they are already browsing Facebook and happen to see/read one of your posts. As an admin in a Facebook group, I also see how many people don’t have a basic understanding of the “layers” of a post (that if you go to the link that is shared, you will see people’s comments that were made directly on the link, but that doesn’t mean that person is IN the group. -in our group we remind members to only comment within the group because of its privacy settings)

    Most people are so immersed in the social media culture that they will read an article and then close the article to comment. (To ensure their friends see their comment???) (There are also far too many people who obviously don’t even read the article before commenting….but that’s another subject) there’s also the possibility that the people who comment on Facebook are used to “how” to comment on Facebook, whereas they may not be as familiar (comfortable?) with how to comment on a blog.

    • Finally Free, thank you so so much for your comment. It gives us lots to think about.

      Most people are so immersed in the social media culture that they will read an article and then close the article to comment. (To ensure their friends see their comment???)

      Ah. So that’s what they do. I probably didn’t know this because I so seldom use my phone to look at FB or blogs. I almost always use my laptop.

      I know many people only use their phones. For some, their phone is their only device. And the ones who primarily use their phone to follow stuff on the internet are doing things the way it is ‘easiest’ to do on a phone. Tell me if I’m wrong, but it seems like the way it is ‘easiest’ to read things on the internet using a phone, is by doing it on FB.

      Both TWBTC and I really need help in understanding this. Neither of us use our phones for much internet stuff. So we don’t understand the user interface on a phone when it comes to things like this.

      Is there a way that we can teach or coach our followers who primarily use phones, so that these phone-using followers can become more competent or more willing to engage with us at our blog rather than on our FB page?

    • There are also far too many people who obviously don’t even read the article before commenting….but that’s another subject

      Oh yes! That’s so frustrating to us as admins. People read the headline of a post and the first few lines of the post which FB shows, and then they punch out a comment without bothering to read the whole post. It’s so obvious when they do that. I wish they wouldn’t! They show their ignorance. They vent their own hobby horse. They can be way off topic in their comment, as a result. And some of those are the ones who are least open to learning or recalibrating their ideas.

  13. anonymous

    Given how abuser-friendly social media platforms are, I don’t know why anyone wants to use such. But they sure are popular. Ignorance of all the ways to stalk, harm, smear, bully, etc., perhaps. Depends on who ones abusers are, I guess.

    On a personal side note, if anyone wants to offer up a prayer for me, that’d be great as things are really piling up for me and I feel like I’m on a ledge, teetering. Much love to you all.

  14. Nanny

    I never thought of that! I usually don’t comment on either, but I think I will start now. Thanks for letting us know of this.

  15. trying again

    I don’t comment either place. I enjoy reading. I might like commenting, but I would never dare on Facebook, and I can never get it to work on the blog. I tried years ago, and you tried to help, but it never worked, and I gave up.

    Thanks so much for all you do!

    • trying again

      Well, it may have worked this time! That would be great, although I don’t know how much time I would have to post. But it’s nice to know I could if I wanted to. Thank you again!

      • Trying again,

        Thank you for trying again:) and, yes, it worked this time!

        Welcome to the blog! Though it sounds like you have been a reader for some time!!

      • Hi, Trying Again. Your comment has been received and published. 🙂

        Bless you and thank you.

    • Welcome as a commenter on the blog, Trying Again!

      If you haven’t already done so, you may like to read our
      = New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And you may also like to look at our FAQ page.

      • Trying Again

        Thank you, Barbara and TWBTC. Yes, I have been reading for years.

        My mess came to a head about 10 years ago. I did the very hard things we need to do, and I am now living in relative peace and quiet with my dear children. VERY thankful for that. Very thankful for all I have learned here and all the support I have felt through reading.

        Still feeling the need to stay anonymous. Thank you so much for all you do to protect us. Thank you for the warm welcome. I’m so glad it worked this time! And although Trying Again fits for my posting here, it also fits for my life, as I tried over and over to fix things–you all understand the futility of that! And now it’s for trying over again, free and with more peace.

  16. Ginger

    I still feel like a relatively new person here, having only followed your facebook page for a year. I realized the security issue on replying to a facebook post so I rarely say much. I like the blog format, that I can go back thru to past blogs pretty easily. You all were a lifeline to me a year ago when I was questioning if it was ok as a Christian to divorce my abusive spouse. I share a lot of the facebook posts, but usually just for me, so I have them for future reference. If I comment on a blog though, I rarely know if anyone has said anything in reply. Facebook however lets you know if someone has replied. That is one difference I prefer in using facebook to comment.

    • Hi Ginger, if you want to know if someone has replied to a comment you have submitted to our blog, just tick the “Notify me of future comments” box which is a little box at the bottom of the comments submission form. On our New Users’ Info page, we explain this fully, with graphics so you know what the little box looks like! Once you start ticking the ‘notify me’ box, I think you will find our blog (and other blogs) much easier to deal with. 🙂

      And if you ever submit a comment to our blog and forget to tick the ‘notify me’ box before you hit the SUBMIT button, just submit another comment and tick the box. And you can submit a comment that says “I’m ticking the box.” Easy peasy.That way you will be notified of other comments that come in on the post, even if you don’t have a substantial comment to make yourself.

      We encourage all our new commenters to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives lots of tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And after reading the New Users’ Info page, you might like to check out our FAQ page.

  17. Laura

    As a blogger (wordpress as well) I agree with you about comments on the blog being preferred. On occasion, I will get some really interesting comments on facebook and wish they were on the blog for better preservation/future reference. Comments can (note can, haha) be really helpful and informative.

    I’ve had several complain to me that it was too hard to comment on wordpress – and easier just to respond on facebook. Maybe some laziness? When I see and read a blog post I like on facebook, I will leave a brief comment or like on facebook – as I know comments/likes help a post get traffic. But then I will go to the actual blog to write a longer comment or even copy/paste what I wrote on fb.

    I HAVE had problems leaving comments on blogspot blogs. It seems no matter what I do my comment “errors” – so frustrating.

    • Laura,

      Welcome to the blog! And thank you for your feedback.

      I suspect you are aware of our New User’s Page and our FAQ, but just want to put out a friendly reminder.

      Again Welcome!

    • I too have sometimes had problems leaving comments at blogspot blogs. But I don’t have problems leaving comments at WordPress blogs. ACFJ is a WordPress blog.

      I have a WordPress account. And maybe that is what makes it easy for me to fill out the comments form on other people’s WordPress blogs.

      Maybe the folks who find it difficult to fill out the comments form at a WordPress blog are folks who do not have their own WordPress accounts, so they have to manually type in their name and email address each time they write a comment. That would be time consuming.

      Here’s a scenario. Please tell me if I am correct in my understanding:

      A reader of our blog does not have their own WordPress account. She or he wants to comment at our blog using a consistent name (screen name) and consistent email address. Each time they write a comment they have to remember what name and email address they wrote in the comments form last time. If they can’t remember, that would be very difficult. And it would put off such people from commenting.

      If I am correct in this, then what can we do about it? Would it be easiest for that person if they created their own WordPress account, using a name and email address that they want to use consistently at this blog?

      I am pretty sure TWBTC can chime in here with her expertise. But maybe some other folks can too. 🙂

      And because hiding their real identity is very important for many of our readers (for safety reasons), they might want to create a special WordPress account just for commenting at WordPress blogs that relate to abuse. The WordPress account should have no photo or other identifying details in it that would be seen in their gravatar.

      So please tell me if I am on the right track here. And add to my thoughts if you can!

      • Finding Answers

        I do, indeed, need to enter my email addy and name used each time I post a comment here. Since privacy in certain circumstances is a non-issue, I have a post-it note with the name used information next to my computer. (No-one to see it.) I realise, however, this is not a viable option for the majority of people commenting on ACFJ. I just have to make sure I don’t make any typos…

      • We will be publishing a page or post to explain step by step how to set up a WordPress account. Once you have a WordPress account you should not need to fill in the name and email address on the comments form each time you submit a comment.

        Many of our readers have to be careful to remain anonymous at our blog. So we will be giving tips for how to set up a WordPress account without it exposing your real identity. Those readers might want to create a special WordPress account that they will use only for commenting on abuse issues.

      • the fog is lifting

        Barb, I don’t have a WordPress account either. I generally read on my phone, so I don’t know if it’s different on a desktop, but there’s a box to tick under the name and email fields “save my name, email and website in this browser for the next time I comment”

      • Ah thanks for letting us know that!

    • When I see and read a blog post I like on facebook, I will leave a brief comment or like on facebook – as I know comments/likes help a post get traffic. But then I will go to the actual blog to write a longer comment or even copy/paste what I wrote on fb.

      This is a good suggestion for those who have the time to do so. Thanks Laura! 🙂

  18. sunshine897

    I personally cannot comment on sensitive issues on Facebook. Those issues are reserved for this blog or website. The privacy laws on FB are notoriously confusing. I’m a little paranoid that a coworker will read some really private issue I’m having and mishandle it.

    I remember coworkers in the past gave me a hard time because they discovered I (a black woman) had “liked” a white politician on FB. One person couldn’t understand how a black person could do that. That’s when I really discovered that some people are checking what you post.

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