A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Prayer Requests

We at A Cry For Justice desire to come along side those of you who have been wounded by abuse. We strive to do this through our teachings and through praying for the victims that we are aware of. If you wish to remain anonymous, please feel free to do so.  Leave prayer requests in the comments section below.  If you would like to read previous years’ requests and comments click on one of the links below.

Prayer Requests 2016

Prayer Requests 2015

Prayer Requests 2014 

Prayer Requests 2013

Prayer Requests 2012

Some of ACFJ survivors have told us how God lead them to freedom from their abusive marriages.  We have compiled those testimonies here.  May you be encouraged!

Testimonies

122 Comments

  1. Hey, I like your screen name, Not really Scared anymore!!

  2. So glad for you, NRSA!

  3. Concerned Mother

    She called crying; he keeps getting in her face, saying she’s not normal and that she is a bad kid, which she never has been. He took her phone away so no way to contact me. … So much more is happening…Things are escalating badly. All I can do is pray and pray.

  4. Kari

    Please pray for me and my family. We have 12 children in 13 years, ranging in age from 4-17.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know your situation, but I said a short prayer for you, Kari, and your children. 🙂

  5. hurting&scared

    Is it abuse if your husband constantly questions everything and acts like you are constantly cheating although you have never ever done anything to make him think you are cheating? And then acting like you are evil for being tired of it? Because it is pushing me to the edge. I cant handle it. I FEEL like I cheated.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Absolutely it is abuse. It is accusation, false guilting, shaming crazy making and more.

  6. A lost soul

    Please pray for me. My husband has been controlling since the beginning of our marriage. The first year I couldn’t do anything right: sex wasn’t “fun” or often enough (we were intimate at least every other day), I couldn’t do housework right, I couldn’t speak up right, I couldn’t pray right (got chewed out for not praying about the right things). He worked at a long distance location, still tried to control me through phone contact, and when he got back, things were OK.

    Then I developed an auto-immune disease and I was told either I get on antidepressants or I would have to leave. I was so sick and scared: said he would call the cops on me if I ever took one of the two cars he had. I finally got appropriate meds for the disease and snuck out one day while he was at work. He begged me to come back. I felt bad so I did; he took the car away from me. I then had to go to hospital… he released his full blown anger at me when I’m lying in the hospital bed. Told me everything was my fault, told me he would call the cops on me the next time and take me to court. But then the next day he apologized.

    After a few months things go back to worse again. He says if I don’t do X Y & Z sexually I don’t love him, and wives should do things 10 times before they can so no. Told me if I left again he’d throw me in jail. So I left again and stayed away for [a while]. He got the picture and “changed”. I didn’t want to go back but did, as he sounded changed.

    For [a while] things went well. But me dealing with extreme fatigue made sex hard (low libido, low energy). Now, he has a horrible friend influence him 😦 My husband is now [doing illegal things financially] and doesn’t understand why I’m not proud of him for making money to support us more??

    He got so mad recently… and threw something at me. I couldn’t believe it 😦 When I said never again, he said it was my fault he got so mad and throwing thing was not a big deal. I don’t know what to do. The criminal activity is what is really scaring me… He is also saying derogatory things to me during sex, asking me to say dirty things all the time, etc….Please pray for me!

    • Hi, A Lost Soul, welcome to the blog 🙂 and thank you very much for sharing your story and your prayer request.

      I edited your comment a fair bit, to airbrush or remove details in it that might have identified you to your husband if he happened to read this blog.

      We often airbrush identifying details out of comments, especially from new readers — so please don’t think I am ‘telling you off’. I only did it to help protect you and keep you safe. 🙂

      I encourage you to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      Your husband is most certainly abusing you.
      It is not your fault. You are not to blame.

      He tries to lay the blame on you. He criticises you for numerous things. But his criticisms of you are NOT valid. He is criticizing you because he wants to maintain control over you and use you as his servant and sex-slave. And what’s more, he actually ENJOYS exercising this ungodly power over you because his whole mentality is driven by his inflated belief in his own entitlement.

      Let me say it again: It is not your fault; you are not to blame.

      I hope you keep following this blog and interacting here with other readers.
      We will support you. We believe you.

      This page gives you instructions about how to ‘follow’ the blog and thus receive emails notifying you of new posts.

      I urge you to check out our resources for Cyber-Safety and Social Networking, as it is possible that your husband might want to monitor your internet activity and there are things you can do to hide your tracks from him in the digital world/cyberspace.

      Your husband will try in endless ways to make you feel guilty. But in all his tactics he is motivated by this: he is trying to get you under his control again.

      The guilt is his. He is the one who is behaving badly. He is the one who is being cruel, manipulative, arrogant, selfish, etc., — and his goal is to intimidate you and keep you ‘under’.

      You may find this post of ours helpful: Defining domestic abuse by a list of behaviors is never going to capture it

  7. Hepzibah

    Thank you for this post, for once I have come across a blog that acknowledges the plight of victims of abuse.

    I have been married for about a decade but have known my husband for nearly two decades My husband is controlling and abusive both physically and verbally. He calls me names whether in front of the children or other people. He even goes to an extent of gossiping me with other people outside my home. He does not perform his fatherly duties i.e paying education fees for the children. He drinks himself to a stupor and blacks out as soon as he arrives home. He rarely spares time for the family as he is rarely at home. He does not call my parents nor visit them and has rallied his siblings against me.

    I have endured pain and suffering living with this man; he is the type who would make my life a living hell if we were to divorce, I am thus left to his endless abusive ways, there is absolutely no love between us; only hate from both ends. However, when I think of the long term effect on my children I cry a lot and am afraid his behavior is going to affect my children. I feel rejected and deeply wounded and this is obstructing my desire for salvation and the love of God as I am constantly battling anger and bitterness.

    Today he called me a stupid and useless woman and that the children I have are not his and he says this while shouting so that everyone in the house can hear him. When he drinks he can even urinate in the sitting room.

    He fights me the way he could fight a fellow man, I have been beaten severally and called names, I feel so much anger inside, I wonder why I got married to him in the first place. My own parents wish they had stopped the marriage.

    My prayer is that God takes over this cup and permanently disconnects me from this man; I no longer have the strength and the ability to go on.

    • Dear sister, I changed your screen name to Hepzibah, which means “my delight is in her” in Hebrew. I changed the screen name for your safety, in case the name you’d given was your real name.

      We believe you. Your husband is definitely an abuser. You are not to blame. Despite all his attempts to make it seem like it’s your fault — all his slandering and criticism of you — the way he behaves is not your fault. It is his CHOICE to behave that way. And he is showing typical behaviour for a domestic abuser.

      We encourage you to seek support from your local women’s centre or domestic abuse support service. We also encourage you to check out our HOTLINES page, and our SAFETY PLANNING page.

      We will support you whether you stay with him or whether you leave him, but we encourage you to reconsider the option of leaving him. Of course he will fight you every inch of the way, but with support you may decide you can run the gauntlet.

      Kids are affected by living in a home where their dad is abusing their mother (see this link). The danger is that the kids may start to copy his abusive behaviours and attitudes, or they may learn from your example that the way to respond to abuse is to stay and suffer, which can make them easy targets for abusers in their adult life. And they are likely to be be very confused and stressed by the atmosphere of fear and lies and intimidation.

      But we know it’s not easy. So we encourage you to take things step by step, as you feel able. We invite you to follow our blog and to read our New Users Info page as it gives tips for keeping yourself safe while commenting here.

      Bless you… and ((((hugs)))

  8. Shaken and stirred

    I need prayer and don`t even know what to ask for. Maybe the guts to say “whoa!” I have aligned with something very wrong here, and it is producing stuff in my life I don`t even agree with, stuff that is actually opposed to God and to truth. And the resources to get out.

    [Details of financial worry redacted, to protect commenter from being identified].

    I am not interested in hurting anyone, I just am sick of daily draughts of poison and dishonesty. I pray I am not making a mistake and being so affected by my past of abuse that I think he is the problem and it’s actually me. That’s something I’ve wondered, if […] I am doing things I cannot see or seeing things in him that have to do with past abusers. But in my factual moments, I would have to say that he has been a verbally and emotionally abusive bully and game player right from the beginning and even his first wife’s counsellor said he was a bully. Seems sad but true. Recently I was on the receiving end of yet more verbal abuse and bullying. I still feel crushed and shaken and angry. Obviously my attachment and alignment to my N dad has led me to try and rescue men like him who in turn abuse and take advantage of me. This is not good.

    We’d had a conversation where I thought I was making some headway in getting him to see where we are really living from and what’s going on in our marriage. I was vulnerable and honest about my own issues and failings, taking blame where appropriate and sharing the amount of anguish I have been in and where I think some of the roots of things are for both of us. I talked openly about the shame I saw in both of our lives and our need to do something to change it. Gave specific evidences about where and when I had observed things in both of us. So far so good. Insofar as he seemed to nod agreement and make somewhat accepting statements. Then later he starts an argument over the meaning of a certain word in scripture. He began yelling at me, and the whole thing goes down hill from there.

    [further details of argument redacted. After lots of cruel accusations from him, and him evading and deflecting and changing the subject] I wouldn’t talk to him and stayed away from him the rest of the day. He tried to re engage me on the scripture thing again today. Not talk to me about his abusive behaviour… I just got up and left the room. So prayer would be much appreciated because I think I am going to need a miracle to get the courage to see whatever it is I have been concealing from myself. I’ve changed my usual posting name to reflect the state of mind I’m in.

    • I doubt you are concealing anything from yourself, unless perhaps you might be shrinking from the reality that he IS an abuser and you are NOT to blame. No matter how much you might have been messed up by your dad, it does not mean you are responsible for the way your husband is mistreating you. And your husband is using the typical tactics of verbal abusers.

      I would encourage you not to try to look for more ‘shame’ or ‘fault’ in yourself, and I would encourage not to try to teach your husband what his problems are or to try to get him to see his own ‘shame’. Actually, the issue with him is not that he feels shame, but that he has NO shame for how wickedly he treats you. And you won’t be able to get him to see or admit that.

      I encourage you to simply focus on what you want or need to do to disentangle your life from this man.

      I shall pray for the resolution of the financial matter. But remember, God does not always wave a magic wand to disempower the abuser and make him surrender so we can walk away easily. I shall pray for God to give you courage. Backbone. Determination. Clarity of mind, so that you don’t keep reverting to trying to find what is the problem with you. You are not to blame. He is choosing to be a verbal and emotional bully. You can’t stop him or educate him. All you can do is work out how you can escape from him.

  9. Shaken and stirred

    Thank you Barb, right now just some kindness is balm to my sore heart. And I appreciate your patience with my immature comings and goings; I cannot seem to pull it together. There are some days where I feel like I need to be enfolded and rocked and comforted and today is one of them. Glad for the furry individuals that share my life, little forms of innocence and goodness. Thank you for removing identifying details; I was so upset and focused on articulating accurately what I was feeling and thinking that I didn`t think beyond my screen name, about concealing other details. I`ll have to make sure I avoid ever doing a bank hold up, you never know, without supervision, I might write the stick up note on the back of a personal check 🙂 Yes, I agree with you. I need to get free and get some strength. And a good paying job that I love going to, as opposed to one that just adds to my stress and misery, would be a really good start. I am far too dependent a person and need work on changing that. Thank you again very much. ((( )))

  10. Seeing the Light

    I need to ask for prayer for my health. My situation with my anti-husband has always been heavy on my health, and I have long-term chronic health problems. Since the beginning of the year, however, it has been one thing after another, and now I am having serious problems with my hip and leg and I don’t feel like I can handle this. It is a mystery and if it turns out what I think, I really need physical therapy to work. My body does not react well to anything and injections and surgery would be extremely risky. This condition could also put me at higher risk of deep vein thrombosis. Please pray this will heal completely with no or minimal intervention. I just don’t think I can handle any more pressure.

    • I shall pray.

    • healinginhim

      Seeing the Light — Thank you for sharing your prayer request. Your needs are great; I shall pray. ((hugs)) Although my health doesn’t seem nearly as critical as yours I have often prayed and asked God as to just how much more ‘stress’ I could handle?

      • Seeing the Light

        Thank you, Healinginhim. I, too, ask how much more stress I can handle. My faith is so tried. I ask why God stays so far away. At least if He drew near… Instead it’s just pressure and health issue after health issue. Every little step I take to make something better backfires. It literally makes things worse when I try to do something right. I find myself wondering how I could even be His. Maybe I’m not.

      • Every little step I take to make something better backfires. It literally makes things worse when I try to do something right.

        I’m guessing (correct me if I’m wrong) that your phrase ‘when I try to do something right’ means ‘when you try to do something in accord with what most churches and most marriage-book authors advise wives to do.’

        The advice that churches and marriage-books give to wives does NOT work for cases of domestic abuse. That advice generally make the victim more exposed to more prolonged abuse. The advice eats away at the victim’s confidence. And even if she ‘sets boundaries’ the way those advisers often recommend, that only ends up exposing her soft parts to the abuser’s arrows and cluster bombs.

        And those books also generally advise trying to talk to your abuser calmly, at a time when he is not overtly being abusive, to try to explain to him your feelings and perceptions of the marriage. In our observation, that almost NEVER works, and it usually exposes the victim to more nastiness from the abuser. The abuser takes whatever his victim says and re-shapes it into bullets to fire back at her. So if that’s the kind of ‘right thing’ you’ve been trying to do, I’m not surprise you find it makes things worse. 😦

        Another thing to bear in mind is that as the victim sets firm em>unbending boundaries against the abuser, the abuser will ESCALATE and will also quite often expand his range of abusive tactics. This cannot be prevented — it’s what abusers do. But it can be anticipated and to a degree planned for, to reduce the risk you might face if and when you decide to leave.

        That’s why we often encourage victims to read our Safety Planning resources and to consider seeking refuge in a Women’s Shelter or Women’s Refuge (diff terminology for diff countries).

        Here is our Resources main page.
        Here is our Safety Planning page.
        And here is our Hotlines page, on which you will find your national phone number to ring which can put you in touch with your most appropriate women’s refuge and support service.

      • Seeing the Light

        Barbara – Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. If this were a few years ago, you would be spot on in your guess. I used to read those kinds of books and get counsel from that kind of people in the church. I was generally considered the problem person since he was such a covert abuser. Any effort to communicate with him about conflicts backfired. Following anyone’s advice backfired. Then I would be accused of being proud and not following their counsel. I knew I was trying, so I had to assume I just couldn’t do anything right, or worse, that I’m just not saved because nothing worked the way it should. It did erode my confidence. (I found ACFJ about three years ago and now I understand much about those years in the fog of my husband’s abuse. I am very grateful to ACFJ for speaking truth).

        Now, however, it’s all of life. This has broken my health and I’ve been given a diagnosis that no one understands, but is real, a very rare specialty-clinic-diagnosed thing. So now, even though I know the stress is making everything worse, there is no way to even know what the boundaries of my health are. I have almost no confidence in anything – my body, doctors, hospitals. Some days I am scared to move. I keep screwing things up. Because of my reactivity to things and the unknowns of my health, every smaller thing is huge. I had some testing a few years ago that should have been routine, but two different medical people did something they should not have done only days apart and have left me with ongoing problems. It was a weird fluke thing that even one did what they did, but both was even more incredible to medical professionals hearing the story. Why? My back was bad last year, and though I did not need surgery, I was advised to get physical therapy. It’s a long story, but the program I entered was not conventional, but was highly-recommended and praised, even by my orthopedist’s office. I was not reacting well to it and kept starting and stopping at a level I could handle. I thought I would start again at the beginning of the year and instead I injured myself again – on 1/1. Then a few weeks later, I thought I could do some good by at least stretching and I did something wrong again and now I have something wrong in my hip that is entrapping blood vessels and interfering with circulation. Now at the same time I am finding out the physical therapy program was a waste of money. I can’t explain for privacy reasons, but the program is not going to work for me. I can’t do anything right. I want to try because I know the stress is a huge player in how much my condition drains me and affects me, but I can’t even stretch correctly without setting off another whole problem with potentially dangerous effects.

        I am not physically strong enough to leave and fight for my kids right now, but everything I do to try to make one thing better only makes things worse. As soon as one issue starts to approach resolution, something else is already starting to take its place. I feel cursed. Leaving now, however, would be the same as just handing the children over to him. I don’t even feel like it’s just living with my anti-husband anymore. My heart, mind, and body are a mess. Only God can heal any of it. There’s no reason to think God would suddenly draw near to me then if He won’t now.

        I feel so abandoned by God and if I stay down and don’t fight to keep hope, things are bad, but if I even try to take some little hope in a Scripture verse or two, the battle ensues in my mind and heart to such a degree, I have to lie back down in near despair. Anything else draws attention to me and the spiritual battle is too intense. Fear surrounds me. I don’t understand what God wants. I wait for His word to come and it doesn’t come. I try to make some kind of strides towards preparing to leave, to build strength and a plan, and things backfire – more of the money I still have left in my name (he is financially abusing me and took all of our joint funds) is wasted and gets closer to running out and my health takes a hit in another area. Every attempt I make at doing something good or positive gets knocked down so that it seems I should not try at all. I read stories of God healing women’s hearts and even bodies, of leading them out of their captivity to freedom, and it’s been so long, and I’ve cried out so long, I’m overwhelmed with the horror of dying here. I don’t even know what thoughts to think each day anymore.

        I’m scared and lost and God remains distant.

      • Dear STL, thanks for explaining that. And it must have taken much effort to even write that comment, given your situation.

        All I can think of is the book of Job — the suffering he went through. And the events that transpired at the end for Job are not necessarily something that will happen to every believer who endures such un-merited suffering… though each and every believer will be given a resurrected body in the New Heavens and New Earth.

        This part of what you wrote:

        I feel so abandoned by God and if I stay down and don’t fight to keep hope, things are bad, but if I even try to take some little hope in a Scripture verse or two, the battle ensues in my mind and heart to such a degree, I have to lie back down in near despair. Anything else draws attention to me and the spiritual battle is too intense. Fear surrounds me. I don’t understand what God wants. I wait for His word to come and it doesn’t come.

        I have not experienced that exactly, but it brought to mind how I used to feel when I was going thru treatment for Hep C. The medication (a type of chemo therapy) gave me many horrible side effects. I often felt unable to pray or reach out to God. If I mentally tried to do that, the effort was too much, I was that weak, and immediately a sharp dagger of guilt would pierce me and I would fall into increased despair and exhaustion. The only thing that helped me was to remind myself that even when I can’t call out to or reach out to God, He promises to hold me and never let me go. Even if I can’t feel or sense it, even if I can’t see him, He is holding me and He will carry me to the end. It was the one filament, the one pinpoint of doctrine which I could hold in my mind which didn’t denude me of any of the faint energy I might still possess. It allowed me to simply give in to the exhaustion and disability, without feeling guilty for being so spiritually weak.

        I know that may not help you much or at all. Your situation is different in that your health problems have no logical end date, whereas my chemotherapy had an end date (it was 48 weeks of treatment). And I was not living with an abusive husband. And I only had one, healthy, late-teenage child under my care, so she could do a fair bit to take care of herself.

        I will pray for you.

      • Seeing the Light

        Barbara – Thank you for trying, for caring, and for praying.

  11. healinginhim

    Seeing The Light – The lies of the enemy would have you believe that you are not truly saved. I have never doubted God’s sovereignty in all He has allowed in my life. I know the enemy of our souls was hoping I would deny the existence of God because of the evil in my life.

    You discovering ACFJ blog is exactly how God finally led me. After doubting whether I was Scripturally right in what I was living I discovered this ministry. The untwisting of Scripture confirmed for me that unfortunately professing Christians especially within the church were the worst at helping the vulnerable.

    I’m not sure if you have many friends or any type of support system to help you? If not, I highly recommend that you keep connected to this ministry and if at all possible commence listening to Pastor Crippen’s sermons and others that ACFJ recommends.

    Reading and listening to those who follow the Scriptures by loving and nourishing the weakened body of Christ is what many of us need. AND thankfully, God has provided this ministry for that very cause.

    I apologize for my lengthy comment … It is an exhausting life with the battles you are facing and I and others would not want you to feel alone.
    ((hugs)) and prayers. ❤

    • Seeing the Light

      Healinginhim – Thank you for your encouragement and for praying. Thank you for caring and not wanting me to feel alone. I have been visiting ACFJ for about three years and it has been a support. I would say more, but perhaps you could just read the response above that I just made to Barbara. That explains in greater detail where I am. Thank you so much for being here.

  12. Anonymous

    I don’t want to be requesting too many prayers, or mistaken for some attention-getting drama queen, or whatever else…..but given what all has been done to me for so long, by so very many people, I really feel as though they (abusers) are going to win in that they’ll eventually succeed in inducing my suicide. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else have seriously inescapable situations of continual abuse by a whole bunch of people, strangers even, all to ensure you eventually “hurry up and kill yourself already”?

    I read somewhere that to be regularly suicidal (or thinking about it, hoping and wanting to die) shows you are not a real Christian. I don’t know, because the Bible says that nobody can say Jesus Christ is LORD, except by the Holy Spirit. But I do really worry I’ll be finally induced and such will be my fate as things aren’t letting up, but rather just a continuation of abuse, different forms, but still abuse all the same. Since the viewpoints are so much different than what is taught in many churches, what do you think about the fate of one’s soul if they finally break? If nothing else, please pray that somehow things change for the better, or at least, God lets me die. If this is too whiny, unacceptable or whatever, please don’t post it. God Bless!

    • Jeff Crippen

      Anonymous – Actually the devil tried to get Jesus to kill himself in the wilderness temptation in several ways. Satan is a murderer from the beginning, the father of lies. Whenever he speaks, he lies and he is laying a pile of them on you, as he has me at one time or another. It simply is not true that things are not going to change for you or that you are not going to be able to go on. As long as we fix our eyes and faith on Christ, who is the Truth, we will not yield to Satan’s murderous lies.

    • Hi Anonymous, welcome to the blog 🙂 You said —

      I read somewhere that to be regularly suicidal (or thinking about it, hoping and wanting to die) shows you are not a real Christian.

      I think whoever wrote that is incorrect. They are not wise, and they have no scriptural grounds to say it at all! As Jeff Crippen said here, even Jesus had suicidal-type thoughts at one stage, when the Devil was tempting Him in the wilderness. And that was right after His baptism which was for Jesus the momentous beginning to his public ministry. The Devil hates it when a person is born again, and he tries his best to de-rail baby Christians. It sounds to me like the Devil is using lots and lots of wicked people to oppress and abuse you. But be assured, if Jesus is your Lord, you are a Christian!

      When a person is suffering immense pain and/or immense oppression & abuse, one of the ways she or he can respond to that is by having suicidal thoughts or wishes. It may seem (and the devil wants us to believe it) that there is no way out and the pain will never stop and the abuse will never cease.

      The temptation to kill oneself is just that — a temptation. As believers, we are exhorted to resist temptation. But it is not a sin to experience temptation. When we actually give in to temptation, or nurse the tempting thoughts by indulging in them, those things are sinful. I know it can be hard to resist temptation, especially if the habit of thought has become entrenched. But God understands our weaknesses and promises to help us resist temptation.

      For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted. Hebrews 2:18

      I had periods in my life where I was suicidal. I put myself in hospital once because I had actually started to enact my plan and put it into effect. I believe God walked my legs into the hospital gate, rather than me. I was that close to despair and so entrenched in pain (of my own making because I was bulimic, but it all stemmed from childhood sexual abuse) … the part of me that wanted to live was overwhelmed by the part that wanted to be dead. I now thank God that He took over when I couldn’t look after myself.

      Some years after that hospitalisation, I realised I had to confess as sin and renounce forever the escape-route I had habitually used in my mind when the pain got too bad. That escape route was like a mental track, deeply engraved by habitual practice in my mind. When I went into that track, I would wish I was dead and have fantasies of killing myself. In some ways that track was a little hideyhole from the pain. While I was in the hideyhole, the pain was lessened, kind of anaesthetised.

      When I realised that was a sinful habit and I had to confess and renounce it, it took a giant spiritual effort to do so. But the effort only lasted a few seconds. I spoke out loud my confession, and my vow. Once I’d renounced that sin and vowed to never do it again, I was much more free.

      The devil had loved me keeping that little sinful mindtrack going, feeding it every now and again. It gave him ground in my life, ground which kept me from growing in Christ. After I renounced the sin, I was freer to grow in Christ.

      Now, I know your situation is different from mine, in that your pain is from the active and current abuse which OTHER people are doing to you. So you have less control over it. All I can do is invite you to keep coming to this blog, keep commenting here, and we will support you no matter what. You are not alone, most of the readers here are victims of abuse.

      (((hugs))) if you want them.

    • H

      Anonymous, I wish I saw your request earlier. I’m praying for you now. Job expressed wishes to die. If people don’t understand that, it’s probably because they aren’t walking in your shoes and don’t know just how much pain you have experienced. However I believe that God calls you to rest your pain in him and get strength from him to endure. I’m really praying that your circumstances change quickly so that you can feel some relief. The Psalmists also express deep pain and feelings of deadness. I think of Psalm 31 has been a particular comfort to me when I feel like I’m pressed on all sides and don’t know how much longer I can endure.

      • Anon.

        Thank you for your prayers and your post. Yesterday and this week and this month has been more of the same. But thankfully we have this site and I have the prayers of supporters such as yourself. I am at a loss, though. There’s a lot of power, money, authority, etc. on the side of the predators, aggressors, and abusers. It’s in their criminal best interests to ensure my silence and if not secrecy, in shutting me up, then it becomes a matter of making me look as crazy, unstable, vindictive, abusive, dishonest, manipulative, paranoid, delusional, blah, blah, blah…..as possible. Just because I know the formula, doesn’t mean it makes any of their continued criminal victimization of me, their stalking, harassing, abusiveness, gaslighting galore!!, etc. any less harmful. Rubbing salt in all my wounds on an hourly basis, ensuring such never stop hurting…..to the point of my being reduced to wanting to die pretty much all of the time and begging the good LORD to let me die already.

        Certain violations, victimizations, atrocious crimes are unspeakable and instead of any of them acknowledging such and letting me be, leaving me alone, they gloat on such, seek to further expand on such line of violation, further such sadism, and more. Andrew Vaugss, something like that, is an attorney and said after having heard of child molesters laugh about how they had transmitted AIDs or something like that to a newborn, an infant in raping the child, a person looks at evil differently. These people are that way. They’s see such as being funny, something to cheer about and celebrate and feel ‘victorious’ about having accomplished.

        Yes, please pray for my mind, my soul, my health, my sanity, and for me to be reassured that it is them, not me, and that I am indeed a human being and all. Worthy of existing. Not deserving of their abuse, violation, desecration, violence, sadism, and more. It is really sicko quality, sadistic, damaging, horrible stuff. And so very, very, VERY many of them, too! A whole massive crew of people all ganged up and collectively doing whatever they can, each individually, to ensure my continued demise, etc. Like a faucet that drips….soon enough you have a bucket of water. Their drips sometimes are blasts of water and sometimes just drip,drip,drip, but it doesn’t stop and when I begin to learn the faces, and whatnot, new people are changed out and used to stalk, harass, victimize me. I didn’t ever think such a horrendous existence was possible, but predators and monsters like to run in packs and those packs have affiliated packs of ‘toughs’ so that there’s an endless stream of them. And for those who wonder who has time for such, it is their delight in life, their sadistic lifestyle, what they do for fun, entertainment, etc. Like the evil, bloodthirsty person who cannot rest until he has preyed upon someone or harmed someone or wreaked havoc somewhere……that’s the people I face.

        I shall read Psalm 31 and thank you again, as with Barb and Ps Crippen, for the prayers and responses. May God richly bless you! Thank the LORD for this site!!!

      • Anon.

        Yes, Psalm 31:1: “In You, O LORD, do I take refuge;
        let me never be put to shame;
        in Your righteousness deliver me!”

        Verses 4-5: “*****You take me out of the net they have hidden for me,*****
        for You are my refuge.
        Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
        You have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.”

        Thank you for your prayers, your reply, all of it. God bless you, H., Barb, and Ps. Crippen!

  13. Seeing the Light

    I could use prayer for healing. I saw an osteopathic doctor yesterday for an ongoing health problem. I misunderstood or miscommunicated at the appointment, I guess. He was very rough on me physically doing his musculoskeletal treatment. I repeatedly asked him to tone it down. He did not. I am not doing well now and am having new symptoms. Please pray that God would heal me from the damage this man did today. I am also discouraged that I have messed up yet again and made things worse instead of better. Thank you.

  14. H

    I’d appreciate some prayer. I just returned from a meeting with my pastors and I feel like I’ve been in a battle and am shell-shocked and can hardly stand up. They agree with me that 1 Cor. 7 means that if an unbelieving spouse separates, then the believing spouse is free and can remarry. At first I thought, that’s great! Praise God who’s been working on their consciences and doing my battle for me! But then I learned that they don’t believe I qualify, as they can’t say with “100% certainty” that my abuser is not a Christian, and they don’t believe that he separated, but I did.

    I didn’t expect that at all considering all the testimony I’ve given to them. I am at a loss. They have no ears to hear why he is obviously not a Christian or why he clearly caused the separation. Apparently the only way they could be sure he was not a Christian is if he says the words, “I don’t believe in Jesus anymore” or something to that effect. Which of course, the wolf is unlikely to do, especially if he realizes that would free me. Or if HE was to commit adultery (and I find out about it), or divorce me and also remarry, then at that point I would be free. I can’t help but feel like the only way out of this is to go back to my abuser and let him kill me so they will know. But even then they would probably say he was a Christian. I don’t know.

    I know this is not a new story for the readers and ACFJ team. But boy it hurts when it finally happens to you in turn.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Those pastors are false oppressive shepherds who side with the man by default. They are wielding authority Christ has not given them. You need not obey them.

      But yes, betrayal does hurt.

    • H —- (((hugs))) for the shock you have received. Those men are taking a wooden intepretation of 1 Cor 7:15. And they have betrayed you and supported the wolf.

      I suggest you seriously consider leaving that church and shaking the dust off your feet, and divorcing your abuser which the Bible gives you liberty to do without incurring any sin. I honour you for taking the risky and difficult action of trying to seek that church’s approval of your divorce. That shows how brave you are, how persevering you are, how much you have striven to do things rightly by seeking counsel from the church leaders. But their counsel has proved to be Un-Bibical and don’t have the ability or the willingness to identify abuse and see through the manipulative tactics of the abuser (the tactics of your husband).

      If you haven’t yet read these posts, you might find them helpful:

      Abuse and Divorce: A Disagreement with the Westminster Confession of Faith

      Church discipline and church permission for divorce – how my mind has changed

      • H

        Thank you both. I am considering if God would have me further attempt to persuade them to correct their interpretations, or if this is the end. Thank you both for your support and your faithfulness to the Bible.

      • I am considering if God would have me further attempt to persuade them to correct their interpretations, or if this is the end.

        I suggest as part of your considerations, you might want to think about whether this verse has any application to your situation with those church leaders —

        Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matthew 7:6)

  15. Growing in Him

    I would like to ask for prayer- I was looking forward to moving forward post divorce – straightaway I found we had to move out of our rented home. So most of the half of the year was taken up with that – so much more stress. Then, a couple of months ago life started to shut down to the point of it being almost too hard to do the basics of daily life. This is what life used to be like before we left. Through the time the divorce process was going on I came to understand what had been going on all through the years. My ex is totally into visualization as written about by [leader of ‘c’hrisian cult and name of his book redacted, to protect commenter from being identified]. Basically it is witchcraft dressed up in Christianity. [Eds: we totally agree with the commenter that what that cult leader teaches is witchcraft dressed up as Christianity.]

    I and one of my children are struggling to take responsibility for ourselves, but it is as if we are able to make just so much headway then it falls apart again. In January we were crawling back from the shut down when things came to a head with the child who I had thought was more badly affected by our life with their father. He admitted that he liked what his father did – spiritually, he liked how his father had treated me, that all the years he hadn’t [Eds: typo? maybe “had,” not “hadn’t” ?] been able to do things, he had just been choosing to not do them, and that now he is choosing to not take responsibility for himself.

    So it became clear that the witchcraft is just carrying on courtesy of my not grownup, young adult child. I knew I had to throw him out. He is now in other accommodation. The visualization is still going on – and I am struggling with my mind being controlled. My other child thinks he is a psychopath, and that I should totally cut off from him, and go no contact. I think this child may be right, but right now that feels like a painful step too far. The suddenness of all this happening has been more traumatic than leaving my ex, it is like a death but isn’t. At the same time I’m not carrying the load anymore and that’s a huge relief, but the spiritual battle to keep my mind from going back into the programmed way of being responsible for him is awful, and I am not free of the control anyway.

    I have no fellowship other than with my other child and I don’t seem to be able to access safe spiritual help on the ground. Churches here are ecumenical or heading into mysticism.

    If you could pray for us we would be so grateful. This is so hard. Also the home we are in has problems and so we may be facing another move. I think it might be better to move to a completely new area but the child still living with me doesn’t want to. Please pray, I feel like I can’t take much more.

    • I will pray for you, Growing in Him. And I ask our readers to pray for you too. This is very much a spiritual battle, and prayer can help break down the strongholds.

      I honour you, Growing in Him, for courageously leaving your abusive and spiritually dangerous husband. I honour you for telling the child who is following in the footsteps of your husband that he is not welcome to live with you and the responsible daughter any more. That was a brave thing to do!

      I encourage you to keep mulling over the option of going No Contact with your husband. WOuld it help you to make a list of ‘pros and cons’ of this? One side of the list could be the fears you have (or the risks that might be entailed) in going No Contact. The other side could be reasons why going No Contact would be beneficial. That might help you think it through. Untease and face the things that might be holding you back from going NC.

      I have confidence that with the Lord Jesus Christ’s help, you will in your own time be empowered to make the best decision on that matter. 🙂 Christ is not a bully, he doesn’t coerce us to make leaps we don’t want to make. He gently helps us come to the light and make life-enhancing decisions, by walking alongside us, not imperiously forcing us. 🙂

      When I say ‘us’ there, I’m talking about victims of abuse (a bruised reed He does not break). I’m not talking about pridefully deluded arrogant people like Saul the Pharisee before he was converted on the road to Damascus; with people like that, Christ often uses goads — sharp sticks that prick the calloused conscience of the man bent on wickedness. Goads were sharp sticks that farmers used to poke cattle and oxen to make them move.

      The slump in energy you had some months after separation, that is pretty common, in my observation and experience. Your body and mind were very drained by living in the abuse and you were running on adrenaline. Post separation, when the risks from the abuser are somewhat diminished, the adrenaline doesn’t run so high, and the body suddenly realises how exhausted it is. It is a natural and healthy response to just want to REST — for the body and mind to restore. So it was not your fault that this happened. I encourage you and anyone this happens to, to try to be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Just praise yourself for dealing as well as you can (even if that’s not very well!) with the immediate needs you are facing like safety, housing, food on the table, the kids…

      You may not have time to read other posts on this blog at the moment, but in case you do, here are some which are under our Demonic Influence tag, which you might find helpful.

      Wise as Serpents: Christ is Risen and Satan is Thrown out of Court (Part 16 of Sermon Series)

      My Own Private Dexter: Insights into the Psychopath – by Deborah

      The Abuser as a Picture of Satan

      Dealing with a spiritual stronghold

      Domestic Abusers and Demonization

      Signs of the Dark Kingdom

      • Preach it, sister!

        And thank you!

    • Seeing the Light

      I will pray for you, too, Growing in Him. I understand the spiritual battle.

  16. Concerned Mother

    I will also pray for you, Growing in Him. I also know some of what you experience, as my ex goes to a church that seems to love and support his nonsense, as well. I pray for His wings to carry you on, His strength to keep you going, and His wisdom to help make your decisions, as well as His light and truth to shine on your situation.

    • Anon.

      Same goes for me, Concerned Mother and Growing in Him. My thoughts and prayers go out in regards to dealing with abusers being backed, supported, and loved by the church. It’s such a perversity. So wrong.

      I heard about others whose abusers were leaders or important people in their churches and loved by so very many in the church. And yet they were abusers, wife-beaters, and creeps. I don’t know if this is inappropriate of me to say, and I only know this because after dealing with my monster I took an interest in attempting to learn as much as possible about various psychopaths and predators…… but anyhow, my point being, is the BTK (bind, torture, kill) serial rapist and serial killer was caught because he sent something to the police (or someone) using his church affiliated computer/software/email (I don’t remember but it could have been he typed up and sent a MS Word doc from a church computer and he was serving in some leadership capacity at his church, too).

      I wish there was something to prevent predators, abusers, etc. for being able to enter churches in the first place, so the LORD’s house would be truly a house of prayer and worship for those whose hearts, love, fear, and revere Almighty God.

      And I am not saying I am without sin or not a sinful person, but rather, it’s an overwhelming blow to someone whose church identity and church affiliation/membership is corrupted and tainted and broken by their professedly evil, demonic, satanic, abuser. When the church involves itself and rallies for the abuser, the monster, in seeking to further your demise, etc., then all seems to be lost. But God’s Holy Word does tell us that the angel of darkness masquerades as the angel of light (or something very close, I don’t want to mess up in referencing God’s Word, so know that might be only a paraphrased verse of sorts).

      At any rate, I am praying for all you ladies that have requested prayers. May the Good LORD bless you and keep you and shine His Holy Face upon you…… 🙂

  17. Limpo

    Greetings to you all. Here is my story. [About half a dozen years ago — detail airbrushed by Eds] I was beaten by my now ex boyfriend. He beat me up in the street unfortunately I developed eye problems in that I became short sighted, I suffer vision problems, neck stiffness and headaches. I have been seeking justice to this day I haven’t found it.

    My ex denies having committed this crime. Please pray with me that my ex finds it in his heart to admits having done this act in the presence of people. I pray that he speaks the truth so justice is served. I didn’t intend to have him jailed no but he will be charged. May I have God’s favour with this case in Jesus name. amen.

    • Dear Limpo, welcome to the blog. I will pray for this situation.

      When charged with the crime(s) they have committed, the VAST majority of abusers lie — they deny they are guilty, they deny committing the crime. This is not because they are in ‘psychologicaL denial’. It is because they are simply lying to escape having to take responsibility for their wicked behaviour.

      I honour you for reporting the crime to law enforcement. Romans 13 makes it clear that God has ordained the secular courts to restrain evil and punish evildoers:

      Romans 13:1-4 “Every person [including your abuser] is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority [e.g. your abuser] has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves [if the court sends him to jail it will only be just and right, for he brought that on himself by committing the crime!].
      “For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good.
      “But if you [Mr ex-boyfriend] do what is evil, be afraid; for it [the secular justice system] does not bear the sword for nothing; for it [the sword of the State] is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil.”

      Now, if the court does not end up sending him to jail, there will STILL be justice in the end. On the Day Of Judgement God will judged every person for their sins and will send the wicked (the unrepentant) to eternal punishment. The only people who will escape the penalty of their sins will be those who have come to saving faith in Christ. If your ex has not come to saving faith before that Day, he will receive due measure for his sins, and God’s punishment is far more just and perfect than any penalities the secular courts may provide. If the secular courts have punished a crime in this temporal world, that is just a fore-runner of the punishment which awaits that criminal on the Day of Judgement… (unless that criminal has truly repented and come to saving faith in Christ).

      So be assured, God will take care of the justice side of things.

      And don’t be dismayed if the secular court gets it wrong. Secular courts sometimes fail to deliver justice. But God never fails to deliver justice.

      And don’t be dismayed if your ex keeps on lying. The vast majority of abuser are so determined to keep not taking responsibility for their bad behavior, that they make themselves hardened to the gospel, so they never come to saving faith. They never repent.

      Btw, since this is your first comment, let me encourage you to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And if you want to know what the gospel really is all about, we have links on our sidebar about that. The gospel presentation is called Religion is for Fools.

      Religion is for Fools, Part 1, What is the Proof?

      Religion is for Fools, Part 2, What Difference Does it Make?

      Religion is for Fools, Part 3. Q &A

      • Anon.

        I am proud of you for having the courage and self-worth to go about seeking justice, to know that such was wrong, to report such to law enforcement. I am really sorry such was done to you and all the problems you now face because of the injuries. I said a prayer for you. 🙂

        Many abusers are savvy about the laws and things like that. A favorite expression of taunting/perversity is: “can’t prove it”. It is no accident or coincidence that abusers ensure they do their dirty deeds, commit their crimes, etc. when there are no other witnesses present, and then make certain you don’t report it, say anything to anybody about it, don’t get medical treatment, and so forth.

        Criminals pay attention to such things. They don’t want to have to go to jail. They want to do the crime, but not the time. So, it’s very likely not ‘denial’ or ‘forgetting’ or ‘misunderstanding’ or any other nonsense, but rather straight-up lying. Without a twinge of regret, remorse, hesitation, or anything. The whole “look you in the eyes and say that” test doesn’t work because liars practice doing such, they have seared consciences, so they don’t have any qualms being evil, lying, etc., but rather pride themselves on how skillfully they come across as honest/truthful/etc. Those who are usually the abused and victimized or otherwise have been shamed, blamed, and made to feel much anxiety, low self-worth, etc. are the people who waver, who look away, who are nervous because of such concentrated attention being given to them, who are unpracticed at looking people in the eye….and people then make the incorrect conclusion that the anxious, nervous person lied, whereas the slick, practiced, con man, sociopath comes across as genuine.

        Barb/Ps Crippen: Please feel free to chop out my wordiness or post none of it if I am rambling too much. It’s not my blog so perhaps I shouldn’t comment so much. I just feel compelled to share what I know in hopes of helping others. But I could be wrong.

      • Hi Anon, as editors and moderators of the comments on this blog, we do edit or tweak the wording in any comments when we think it is needful.

        And your comments are not too frequent. 🙂

    • H

      Praying for you Limpo.

      I was reminded of the story of Ananais and Saphirra in Acts 5:1-11.

      But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet. But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to man but to God.”
      When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last. And great fear came upon all who heard of it. The young men rose and wrapped him up and carried him out and buried him.
      After an interval of about three hours his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” But Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” Immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. When the young men came in they found her dead, and they carried her out and buried her beside her husband. And great fear came upon the whole church and upon all who heard of these things. – Acts 5:1-11

      Rest assured, God sees and God knows the evil that is in your ex’s heart. Your ex can deny what he did all he wants, but it will not save him from God’s punishment. God saw the physical assault you suffered and he sees the long lasting effects that you are still suffering today. He WILL give justice to your abuser some day.

      I’m praying you get to see some justice from the secular system as well, and soon.

  18. Seeing the Light

    Please pray for me. The physical symptoms are more than I can bear. I can’t find God or any comfort from Him. Nothing makes sense anymore unless I am a reprobate. I know there is no point in praying for me if I am. I can’t quit hoping there is a chance for something good. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

    • I have prayed and will do again.
      Have you seen this post by Ps Sam Powell?
      I think you will relate to it in some way or other.

      What I am praying for you is not only that the pain would diminish, but that the fear that you are reprobate may be removed. I think that idea (that you might be reprobate) has a bit of a stonghold in your mind. And I think it is a lie from the evil one.

      Your being in pain does not indicate you are reprobate. Sam Powell’s post may give you some comfort about this.

      • Seeing the Light

        Barbara – thank you very much. I read this post by Pastor Sam Powell, and I do appreciate you sharing that.

        I fear that I am reprobate because there is no other explanation. God does not comfort me. It has so many years of darkness and confusion. Just when I am under more strain than I can stand, it gets worse. I know I have believed many lies and some could be called strongholds, but no matter what I do to replace the thoughts or seek God’s truth or help to heal, it only gets worse. People come and go into and out of my life encouraging and leaving because nothing ever gets better. My faith is worthless. There is just more affliction with no strength to bear up. Then my health gets even worse because of the hopelessness and fear and the effect of that on my body, and I can’t shut it off.

        This last time I had put prayer requests in at the beginning of the month due to the weight of the burden. I prayed and as things worsened, I sought help from a doctor. I was scared to go because I have been hurt by doctors before, but I was desperate for help. I researched him and his practice. I thought it was a good choice. I prayed for direction and guidance and wisdom. Then I prayed that even if he couldn’t help me, that the LORD would protect me and at least not let him hurt me. I trusted He would watch over me. I got in there, and while I thought he was still examining and diagnosing, he was already doing his treatment. He pulled and popped and twisted my legs and hips so much and it happened so fast. I didn’t know what to do. Now my whole pelvis is messed up. Nothing is the way it was. There are pains everywhere, but it also messed up my internal pelvic muscles and I feel the burning and urgency of needing to go to the bathroom all day every day. There are spasms everywhere. It has been three weeks with no reason to think anything is going to heal. My physical therapist keeps trying to help and figure out what happened to no avail. So many muscles, tendons, ligaments – nothing is the same in my hips. I wake with the burning. It lasts all day. I go to bed with it. With my long-term chronic health problems, my muscles are already weak and not normal. I can’t even do any exercises without causing the symptoms to flare to high intensity. Everything I do makes it worse. I am so, so scared to go to another doctor to try to diagnose the extent of injury. I’m so scare of them all. No one I have talked to since even thinks he is a bad doctor. It’s just me.

        I was trying to walk carefully by faith. I thought He might finally gently lead and guide me. I thought I was trusting in His protection. I don’t understand. I feel cursed. I keep thinking of Hebrews 12:12-13 over and over again. “Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” I kept hoping for healing and seeking the straight path, I thought, but no. He has put me out of joint. It goes over and over in my head. Rather than finding healing, I have been put out of joint. I’m scared to pray or to hope. I am lost. I don’t understand.

      • Seeing the Light, what you are going through sounds just awful.

        I can’t explain, of course, why it has happened, why that doctor put you out of joint, why your prayers for healing and your prayers that the doctor at least would not hurt you, have not been answered.

        For some years, in my former work as a nurse, I was interested in reading about the psychological effects of pain and bodily disorders. One thing I read about was how if a patient’s body chemistry is really out of whack (e.g, from their kidneys or liver not working well at all, so the toxins in the blood are not being cleaned out, or from other major imbalances in their blood chemistry) the person’s personality and behaviour can be wildly different from what they are like when their body was in balance. And the same can happen when a person has been in a coma and starts to come back to consciousness. Sometimes when coming out of a coma the patient swears like a trooper — even if they were not normally a person who used vulgar language. Such changes in behaviour and mental state are simply caused by the physiological imbalance in the body.

        I hope that info may help you think about your mental state (the fear you are reprobate, the fear that you are cursed). Maybe those fears are prevailing simply because your body is in so much pain. The mind and body are so intimately connected and inter-related. I hope this helps you a little. But if not, feel free to toss it in the bin as not helpful to you. 🙂

      • Seeing the Light

        Barbara – thank you again. I know there are no answers. I appreciate what you shared about the effects of the physiological on the psychological. That is true, of course. Thank you for trying to encourage me in my fear of being reprobate. I don’t know what else to say. As to why he did not answer my prayers, I guess it doesn’t matter, does what? Nothing really matters. Please pray for my children – that they will have a real life. That they will find the comfort of God and my influence, my life, which has been all confusion and darkness, won’t poison them. I tell them now – something is very wrong with me – they, however, still have a chance to have a relationship with God. Whatever I did, whenever I did it, that sealed my life being consigned to darkness and confusion, that doesn’t have to happen to them. They can still have something I will never understand. Please pray for them.

  19. Anon

    I said a prayer for you, Seeing the Light. Sorry that you are suffering so much pain. Same with the poor experiences with doctors. Some doctors care, but some do NOT. I read somewhere that if it doesn’t feel right for you, then it’s not right for you. Period. It’s not right for you.

    I also think that reprobates don’t worry about or concern themselves with matters of faith. I am just talking here, and Scripture would be better to offer you, but I just wanted to say something to you. Perhaps, ease your mind. Pain amplifies everything. From what you described I really feel for you. May God heal you, support you, strengthen your faith, comfort you and ease your mind.

    I’ve had a lot of horrible experiences and been preyed upon by so many, suffered a lot, and found myself wondering whether or not I was evil as I must have done something to deserve it, otherwise why would so many be so proud to further harm me, abuse me, gaslight me, victimize me, humiliate me, ridicule me, and violate me? One of the verses I like to remind myself of is “No one can say Jesus is LORD except by the Holy Spirit.” A pastor kindly reminded me of my being baptized into Him. Baptismal Grace. I wish you all the healing, comfort, warmth, love, kindness, and support, Seeing the Light. 🙂

    • Seeing the Light

      Anon – thank you so much for reaching out to comment and for praying and encouraging. You are very kind. I am sorry that you have suffered so and been preyed upon. Thank you for your remarks about pain amplifying everything as well. My whole life has been wasted on this mess. My whole time with my children has been one crisis after another with no stability. Now my oldest will leave home without having spent a day with me in his childhood where there was any real peace or real joy. Even my ridiculous grasping at faith is probably an obstacle and a stumbling block to their salvation. I now tell them that something is wrong with me, but you pursue God. The promises are still there for them. Everything is pain. Oh, how I wish all my children were grown so that I could lie down and wait to die. Thank you.

      • Anony.

        Seeing the Light — Please say a prayer for me, too. Things are pretty dire for me. I have a lot of enemies — wicked people whose invested interests are in ensuring I am further harmed, smeared, humiliated, haunted, discredited, etc. I live with a lot of physical pain, too. But the emotional, mental, psychological, spiritual pain is so much greater. I don’t want to be too specific but, just to please pray for my upcoming things to go well. I am in a very precarious state of being. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it all.

        You sound like a very caring, loving mother whose concern is for her children’s well-being and spiritual well-being. I know a few reprobates. Trust me when I say they are not fussing about talking about God, or wanting any persons they are around to have a relationship with the LORD. Nope. They laugh at the notion of there being a ‘god’ and consider themselves the end all, be all. Somewhere in Proverbs it talks about how the foolish (and foolish in the sense of morally bankrupt, not ‘stupid’) go about doing their wicked deeds and thinking that no one will see them, that no harm will come to them for doing such. I really want to be careful not to add anything or subtract anything or misstate anything of God’s Holy Word, but I think I am recalling this correctly….. Anyhow, unless you are going about lying in wait, setting traps, ensnaring others, preying on the innocent, I don’t know that you fall into the reprobate category.

        I’ve thought similar things. Sometimes I think it is because the abusers, sadists, and predators shame, blame, and mistreat us to a point where we fall into the “just world” trap and think if things are going badly for us, then we must have done something deserving of punishment. That’s one of their main brainwashing lines, too. But think about the Apostle Paul. They imprisoned him, beat him, he was shipwrecked, had to escape out of a window and be lowered down a wall in a basket!

        Anyhow, I shall say another prayer for you. And I ask that you say a prayer for me as well as I face doctor troubles, troubles with even with very most basics of life, and just an overwhelming amount of corruption, abuse, trauma, violation, victimization, trauma, trauma, and more violence. The wicked and their supporters who conspire and collude with them. Enemies, and just being targeted by a lot of horrible people whose delight in life seems to be ensuring I am further laid to waste, that I suffer even more, and the oppression, victimization, persecution and abuse continues.

      • Thanks for your comment, Anony!

        I shall pray for you too.

      • Seeing the Light

        Anony. – I owe you an apology for not responding sooner. Please forgive me. I was not in a good place and could not think what to write. I should have at least said thank you. I hope you will still see this and know that I am very grateful to you. Your words are very kind and encouraging and I have re-read them today. I want you to know that I prayed for you when I read your request and have prayed for you since. I will continue to pray. Your suffering is great on many levels. I think I can say I understand, though things are not identical. God help us.

  20. A Reader

    So I unwittingly married this criminal. And since then, life has been horrible. I’m outnumbered. There’s only one of me and so very many of them. I didn’t grow up attending thug school so I am really struggling in having spent years upon years being preyed upon and criminally victimized and violated by all sorts of criminals and other predatory characters, pretty much everyone working in tandem to the benefit of this thug I happened to marry as well as his corrupt allies/supporters. Out a monster and life gets really bad, really quick. Sometimes, silence is golden.

    I just ask for everyone’s prayers. The justice system has been little other than a criminal racket in itself. Then there’s the day to day basic matters. It’s all connected and all way too overwhelming. I’m at a loss. I don’t think I can handle this all too much more and that is what scares me the most. Coming to the end of the road. Everyone has a breaking point and I’m shocked I’ve made it this far but I feel like I’m pretty much there. Just prayers, please.

    Thank-you!

    • A Reader, I will pray for you; I will ask God to carry you and guide you and to pick you up with gentle hands if you break.

      It is not your fault, and you are definitely not alone on this blog! 🙂
      Here is our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog — but it looks like you have a good grasp of safety issues in cyberspace already.

      I don’t want to patronise you by speaking as if you are naive about this stuff, because you clearly are not, but you might find our Safety Planning page helpful.

    • Seeing the Light

      A Reader – I don’t know what my prayers are worth, but I will pray for you. I am so sorry you feel you are at or near your breaking point. I will pray you can hold on.

      “Out a monster and life gets really bad, really quick. Sometimes, silence is golden.” You are so, so right. Things had been silent here for a while. Over the last few days we had some conversation again. I made the mistake again of trying to speak to him rationally and tell him the damage his words and actions are causing. He talks the Christian talk and quotes the Bible so that I try to talk about how he can do what he does while claiming to have the Spirit of Christ. Big mistake. Big. So much wrath. So much contempt. I shudder when I see how dark the monster inside really is. And that was only outing him to himself and no one else.

      I am praying for you.

  21. Seeking Wisdom

    I have been in an emotionally neglectful marriage for 25 years. We are both Christians, and the fact that he reads his Bible and talks about God helping him leaves me confused about his continual neglect. I have prayed for the entirety of our marriage about the neglect and have spent the greater part of it trying to work on myself and see what I might be doing wrong. He has no time for me or our children. Three of our four children have been in counseling for depression, and I have felt at times responsible for that because I stayed with him. I don’t want to do anything that would be displeasing to God, but we have never had a true, intimate relationship. Physical intimacy has always been once per month or once every 2-3 months. He works all the time and says he has to, that God has blessed him with work. He owns his own business and works 12 – 14 hours a day, often missing church on Sundays. The responsibility for parenting has primarily fallen to me throughout the years. He avoids hard conversations with me by working late hours, but when I do try to express my needs, he says, “I just can’t do anything right.” This is how he silences me. It has been hard to get really good Biblical counsel that acknowledges neglect as a form of abuse. He will not see a counselor with me because he is too busy with work. Most people say he is a great guy, and he is. I know God is and should be my everything, but shouldn’t you have a minimum set of expectations from a marriage in order for it to be considered a marriage? Ever praying for wisdom.

    • healinginhim

      Seeking Wisdom — I ache for you. Mine is also considered to be a great guy and obviously a Christian (??)

      So much of your testimony echoes what I have lived … my adult children have now become abusers towards me as well. Any of their emotional problems have been laid at my feet, not his.

      ((hugs)) and prayers.

    • A Reader

      “I just can’t do anything right.” Indeed, such is said to get you to shut up. I shall say a prayer for you, Seeking Wisdom, and Healing in Him, both. Someone who can successfully run a business, be gainfully employed, interact with others in a professional manner, and so forth…..it’s not rocket science to figure out how to love, appreciate, support, nurture, care for, and be present for a spouse. It’s like these Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, ETC. baloney books, mindsets and so forth. If you know how to take care of yourself, exist in the business world, and live life as a functioning adult, you can be a good, kind, loving, compassionate, nurturing husband.

      I’m tired of all the excuses and baloney rationale. People are people. I mean, even 5 year olds know that if they are mean to others, nobody will want to play with them because they don’t want to be knocked upside the head for the tinker toys they brought to school. Or whatever. It’s just society makes it easy for men to be abusive, neglectful cads. And then be coddled into thinking they are not failures at their marital roles, but rather simply have been failed by the Mars alien society in figuring out the similarly nonexistent, mythical, Venus alien language.

      Sorry you’ve been neglected and especially since most people take bruises, blood, broken bones, etc. as being legitimate abuse and DV, over the more common neglect, coldness, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, silencing tactics and so forth.

      • healinginhim

        A Reader – Thank you for your prayers and insight. Your last paragraph is unfortunately very true. The years of inner scars are overlooked and not considered as life-threatening. What many do not want to acknowledge is that stress and emotional abuse affect a victim’s health and are often hampered from functioning properly … it’s an internal-bleed type of abuse; still deadly.

        Discovering the ACFJ blog is what helped confirm that I wasn’t imagining that the church was also one of the abusers in my life as they are more prone to showing empathy to the abuser rather than the victim. The neglect of the church towards me had me questioning whether I was missing something in the Scriptures? I felt very little love from ‘the churched folk’.

  22. Seeing the Light

    I am back asking for prayer for a medical appointment tomorrow. I recently suffered a serious bodily reaction to a doctor’s treatment which is still getting worse. Please pray that no harm or damage would come as a result of tomorrow’s appointment. I am very scared to be touched. Thank you.

    • I will pray.

      • Seeing the Light

        Thank you, Barbara.

    • A Reader

      Said a prayer for you, Seeing the Light. Perhaps it was too late, but still. 🙂

    • Seeing the Light

      A Reader – no, not too late. This is an ongoing, developing situation. Thank you for praying. It went fine, and she knew my body was too sensitized to do much of anything so we mostly discussed the situation. I have another appointment today that I could use prayer for – especially for an accurate diagnosis and for certain fears to finally be put to rest. I’m sorry to be asking for so much prayer lately.

      • Thanks for keeping us up to date with this, STL! You’ve probably already had that appointment today, but I’ll keep you in my prayers.

      • Seeing the Light

        Thank you, Barbara. No harm was done, but I am waiting for the first diagnostic test I have had so far and waiting for more appointments. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

      • A Reader

        I’m glad you had a woman doctor who discussed things with you. I hope your additional appointments went well. And yes, I said a prayer for you. I wonder too if I have asked for too many prayers, but personally, I find it joyful to be able to pray for others, yourself included, especially since I have nothing else I can possibly give.

      • Quite often I feel more close to God when I’m praying for others, than when I’m praying for myself. When I pray for my own needs, my mind tends to devolve to all my sins and shortfalls.

  23. Looking for Freedom

    Please pray that God keeps me in his guidance and protection. I need to find strength and courage to leave a strict and abusive family, I am only 20 and would like to continue my education, find a steady job, and build a life of my own far away from them in hopes of building something good for myself. Please keep me in your prayers, I truly need a miracle and a way out of this terrible family.

    • Hi Looking For Freedom,

      Welcome to the blog! You will notice that I changed your screen name. It is not wise to use what appeared to be your real name – for your safety we suggest that commenters use a none identifying name. If you want a different screen name, contact me and I can do that for you. twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

      Also, we encourage new commenters to read our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.

      Again, Welcome and I am praying that for you!!

    • A Reader

      I said a prayer for you, Looking for Freedom. Being 20 and having the courage and aspirations to make a life for yourself, is wonderful. I can only say that for myself, in what I have seen, heard about, and experienced, it only gets harder to break out as time goes on. The world is your oyster and youth only occurs once…….the energy, etc. you have now is your best shot. You deserve a life free from abuse, violence, control, etc. Indeed, it’s easier to set up a life for yourself if you have the distance factor helping to keep you apart. I wish you all the best, Looking for Freedom. I’m glad you found this site. A blessing from God. 🙂

    • Hi Looking for Freedom. I will pray.

      And here is one of our resources pages that you might find helpful. Even though you are not a single mum, the tips given there may help you establish your own independence.

      Practical Tips for Independent Living after Abuse

      In many ways, you are coming out of a cult. So resources about exiting cults and spiritual abuse may also be helpful. Here is the Spiritual Abuse page of our resources.

    • Seeing the Light

      Looking For Freedom, I have prayed for you as you requested. I pray you will find a way out. I have also prayed for you that when you do get out, that you will find healing and wholeness and not, as some of us have done, unwittingly step into a marriage and adult life that repeats the abuse of your youth. May God guide you and protect the whole way.

  24. A Reader

    I am so grateful this website exists. I just want to request prayers for myself as I feel as though I am drowning. Too many wicked, evil persons doing too many criminal, horrible, abusive things to me. I feel as though I am dead. Hollow. At certain points, I have even come to wonder if God even exists or whether or not it is not just one big scam, much like almost everything else in life. Like one big joke being played on victims, at their perpetual expense. The sin of unbelief. And this doubt is a big deal as it was not something that I experienced before or was such a struggle.

    Nothing seems real anymore. I know that it is indeed real, but it is so sickening. Horrifically so. Too much evil, corruption, depravity, wickedness. Too much abuse, violence, violation, and victimization. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of wickedness. So many people continue to seek me out to further victimize me and they do it with such delight. It isn’t just a matter of physical, emotional, psychological devastation anymore, but rather I feel as though I am losing what little is left of my soul.

    The level of depravity is overwhelming. I sometimes vomit because it is so sickeningly dark. Like a slow dance with the devil, himself, while drowning in a vat of industrial-grade poison. Feeling hollow and as though I am but a walking dead woman is one thing, as a person learns to live with such, but this latest round of poison pill experiences have me feeling as though what is left of my pulverized soul is but a sickening joke at my perpetual expense as though the devil has already, long ago won, but I just have yet to be informed.

    Kind of like sitting down for a heart-to-heart with the world’s most sadistic serial killer as he details out, with pride and joyfulness, how the victim’s blood spurted out in this fashion or another….how this victim cried and begged… his creative use of this or that object in fashioning a weapon or new means of torture…. You walk away, after listening to all such gore, feeling very grateful that prison cells exist. But what if the predators you face are not about to be so straightforward? But rather kill you with a thousand small cuts, poison you slowly with something unlikely to ever be traced, or something otherwise? The snakes wear suits and cloaks of respectability, status, etc.?

    Like the judge who trolls about for teenage runaways to victimize. He is a judge. She is a tween runaway. Whose voice is going to count? Who says she even gets to have a voice in the first place? Who is going to listen to her? Why would she even speak in the first place? Who says she believes she is worthy of better? How is she to know she didn’t deserve it? How is she to know such isn’t right? Isn’t her lot in life? Grooming. Predation. Cunning. Abuse. Depravity. Corruption. The tween ends up dead in a few years anyhow. ‘Drug overdose’. Predators, the successful ones, know how to select the best prey.

    I feel very much as though my soul is at stake. And that the predators have so thoroughly contaminated such that there is no undoing the poisoning. I’ve been drowned in toxic waste. As though my fate is already sealed and all is lost. As though the devil, who prowls about, looking for those whom he may devour, has already feasted on me, digested me, and eliminated me and I’m on the ground, having been turned into big cat scat and I just don’t yet know it.

    Just please pray for me, for everything. The amount of evil, corrupt, abusive, criminal persons I face is overwhelming. And it is just me. ☹

    • as I read your comment I began praying. I will keep praying.

    • A Reader — praying for you.

      • A Reader

        Thank you, Barbara and Healing in Him. Your prayers mean so very, very much to me!!

    • Hi, A Reader 🙂

      I’m wondering whether any of Psalms 42, 43 and 44 might help you. If so, which Psalm resonates with you the most?

      • A Reader

        Thanks for engaging with me again, Barbara, I’ve been really distraught to say the least.

        Psalm 41:5-9 New International Version (NIV)

        5 My enemies say of me in malice,
        “When will he die and his name perish?”
        6 When one of them comes to see me,
        he speaks falsely, while his heart gathers slander;
        then he goes out and spreads it around.
        7 All my enemies whisper together against me;
        they imagine the worst for me, saying,
        8 “A vile disease has afflicted him;
        he will never get up from the place where he lies.”
        9 Even my close friend,
        someone I trusted,
        one who shared my bread,
        has turned[a] against me.

        Footnotes:
        Psalm 41:9 Hebrew has lifted up his heel

        Psalm 42:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

        9 I say to God my Rock,
        “Why have you forgotten me?
        Why must I go about mourning,
        oppressed by the enemy?”
        10 My bones suffer mortal agony
        as my foes taunt me,
        saying to me all day long,
        “Where is your God?”

        Psalm 43: 1-2 (ESV)
        “Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people,
        from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me!”
        “For You are the God in whom I take refuge; why have You rejected me?
        Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

        Psalm 44:9-26 (too long)

        I must say, this website, the others who comment and offer their prayers, Barbara and Jeff, you all are my world and lifeline. I don’t know what I would do without this website as I am barely existing with it! 🙂

      • A Reader, are you following all our new blog posts? Or just following the comments that come in on this Prayer Requests page?

        If you want to follow all our posts, here is the page that explains how to do it: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/following-the-blog/

  25. Seeing the Light

    A Reader – I just saw this. I am praying for you. I am so sorry. I hear your struggle and pain. Our battles are somewhat different, but our feelings are much the same. I want you to know that I, too, have been sorely tempted with unbelief in recent days. I question how others can experience and know comfort from God when I have none, and when doubting my own salvation isn’t enough of an explanation, I question whether those who experience this aren’t just deceiving themselves and having a personal emotional experience of their own creation. Nothing makes sense. I am holding on to what faith I have left. Hold on by whatever thread you can. I will keep you in my prayers.

    • A Reader

      Thanks, Seeing the Light. Nothing makes sense for me either and considering what has been done to me, with not only impunity, but pride, bragging, boasting, etc., I wonder if I am forsaken by God or hated by God. Especially when you see in the Holy Bible where God gives His people success and verses like Psalm 41:11 (ESV) “By this I know that You delight in me; my enemy will not shout in triumph over me.” That’s already happened so very, very many times. It makes me doubt my Baptismal Grace, my salvation, and whether God even likes me or rather detests me and delights in seeing those who hate me triumph over me, abuse me even more, violate me further, and criminally victimize me all the more.

      I shall say a prayer for you, too, Seeing the Light, that we may both cling to the LORD, holding on to whatever threads we can. 🙂 God bless!

      • Seeing the Light

        🙂

  26. Baptized into Him

    I’d like a prayer said for me. I am really hated by so very many. Abusers and their allies is an understatement. And they are not just fellow abusers, but there’s a whole range of allies, from the high-powered ones with status, money, and weight to throw around, to the woman-hating, street thug criminal. And I am without support. Life on the streets is very, very hard, most especially for someone who is hated by so many. I won’t be able to reply, but thanks in advance for anyone and everyone who says a prayer for me, my well-being, my safety, and my dire circumstances.

  27. Anotheranon

    Heavenly Father, I pray for your safe-keeping for this dear one. Lead her to green pastures, still waters and paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake. Walk with her in the valley of the shadow of death. Show her Your goodness and mercy. Protect her and give her the strength she needs every day. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  28. Tess

    Dear Baptized into Him, I pray for your safety. Your cry for help really touched me.
    I thought my situation was bad but yours is much worse. I pray for all the beautiful people who post on this blog and thank God for this safe place.

    Please pray for me as I too am now disliked by many (all Christians).I have PTSD after a long Controlling and neglectful marriage which I was forced to leave due to health problems.

    Recently I have been forced to go No Contact with a Narcissistic lady from church. She is a shining light in the church and puts on a fake religious persona which dupes everyone.
    I have had to ask the Pastor to help her and share the bullying and Control this lady put me through.

    I didn’t want to ask but one other lady had already been very damaged and her marriage was suffering because of the manipulation by this person.

    The Pastor showed my email to the abuser and I have been ostracised for speaking out.
    My problem is my health.

    I am struggling to go No Contact as this lady was supposedly helping me recover from my divorce and I miss her friendship….She has messed with my head by being kindness itself one minute and manipulating the next.

    My mental health is very poor and this lady was a serious liar…So I fear there must be a smear campaign against me as my friends from the church are giving me the cold shoulder and i have heard that the lady concerned has been doing her crocodile tears act and I can take a good guess that I will be being blamed and she is now the victim. No one else can see through the mask.

    This is a very lonely time. I am trying some new meds for anxiety which are making me dozy.
    I know I am not on the streets but I am frightened and feel very alone….This has affected some other friendships …..My experience is minimised so I cannot say much.
    I am helping out with my grandchildren as their parents have split up….So this is helping.

    I feel so disapproved of and such an awful person, am depressed and struggling to get through each day without going to bed and am afraid to try another church….I pray when i can…But these experiences knock your faith.

    Thank you

    • Dear Tess, you might like to listen to Ps Crippen’s sermons each week, in lieu of attending a church, or until you gather the strength to start looking for another church … one which might be safe.

      The church you’ve been in is obviously led by a foolish pastor who has no clue about how to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves”. He should not have tried to ‘help’ that manipulative woman, he should have put her out of the church because the damage she’d done ought to have been obvious to him.

      A church led by a foolish person, a person who lacks discernment about evildoers, a person who molly coddles evildoers, is never going to be a safe church. So you are sensible to shake the dust off your feet. And I’d encourage you to mentally reject all the lies they may be telling or spreading about you. They are all mislead and deceived. Their opinions of you therefore don’t count.

      You may have looked at the Honouring Resistance booklet already, but even so, I’d suggest you read it again as it may help you. It’s written about abuse in intimate partner relationships, but you can adapt it to the situation you’ve faced where the abuser has been a manipulative woman and her allies pastor and all the other people in the church. I urge you to focus on all the ways you have resisted the abuse. Because I bet you’ve resisted in many ways and your resistance has been prudent, creative, determined, imaginative, compassionate and just. Try to rebuild your mental strength by honouring yourself for how you have resisted the abuse. 🙂

      And on the same lines, here is a post of ours that you may find helpful:
      Defining abuse by a list of behaviors is never going to capture it

  29. Chrysanthemum

    My husband was abusive for most of our ~3 decades together. I didn’t even start to realize it until about half a dozen years ago, and it’s been a gradual awakening and addressing of the issues. He has actually recognized, acknowledged, and repented of the attitudes behind the abuse. The problem is that I have absolutely no feelings for him, and no attraction. He means nothing to me. I have spent the last few years trying to find a way to reconnect with him, and it’s been futile. It seems wrong to leave, since he is repentant, but I sometimes feel suicidal at the thought of living in an empty marriage for the next 30 years.

    • Hi Chrysanthemum, thanks for your comment and welcome to the blog 🙂

      I’m not at all surprised that you have no feelings towards your husband, given that he abused you for so long. You mentioned that “he has actually recognized, acknowledged, and repented of the attitudes behind the abuse” … I’m wondering what you mean by that. Has he, for example, done all the things we have listed on our Checklist for Repentance?

      And by the way, we always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      • Chrysanthemum

        Thank you for the welcome, Barbara. He has done the things on the checklist. The last time he abused me was on Jan. 20th. Since 2013, I had been setting limits and he had been making some changes in some areas, but still had an abusive mindset and I was blind to some of the lingering abusive dynamics until I read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans in December 2016. On Jan 20th, after a huge abuse episode, I set him down to talk. I asked him to read that book, and it really opened his eyes. It didn’t change him on a behavioral level, it changed his attitude.

        Previously (I was keeping track) we averaged 10 days between abusive episodes and never more than 2 weeks. It has now been almost 3 months. He also did some reading for himself and figured out with the help of his psychologist plus a second opinion, that he has Borderline PD. I am confident that he is repentant. But I do not find him attractive in the least, I have no natural affection for him, and we have no shared interests. Date nights and love language targets are no use. I only feel platonic friendship for him. If I caught him with another woman, I wouldn’t be jealous, I’d be happy for him. I don’t know how to rebuild.

      • I don’t think your husband having been given a diagnosis of BPD makes much difference either way to the situation, so I’d encourage you to put that aside and not focus on it much at all. Even if that diagnosis is correct, it doesn’t help you because it doesn’t give you any information or ideas about how you might want to handle (respond to) the situation you are in.

        You said your husband has been to a psychologist. But that is not the same as attending a Behavior Change Group that is specifically for abusive men. These groups are also called Domestic Violence Intervention Programs, or Batterer’s Programs. And depending where you live, the locally available group may or not be of good quality (if it exists).

        If your husband has done and is continuing to do all the things on the checklist, here’s another question for you.
        You will have noticed that the checklist said:

        If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:
        …Be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of their abuse on the partner and children.
        …Attempt to right the wrongs by restoring losses which they’ve caused to their victims.
        …Allow the hurt partner and children to take as much time as they need to heal.
        …Change how they respond to the grievances of their partners.

        Have you been feeling safe enough to express your grievances with him about his former behaviour? Have you been telling him that you have no affection for him and that you share none of his interests? Do you really feel safe enough with him to tell him that you feel no attraction to him and you don’t want to be intimate with him? And if so, how does he respond to that? Because I think that it is absolutely NORMAL for a survivor of abuse to feel the way you are feeling towards your husband. The abuse causes us such pain over such a long time that most of us numb down our feelings to survive. Your ‘lack of affection’ for your husband at the moment is not a thing to be ashamed of — to me it suggests that you might have a lot of feelings about the abuse that you have had to suppress in the past and they are still largely suppressed. If you were to start letting your anger and pain and grief up to the surface, and expressed those feelings (your legitimate grievances!) to your husband, would he be empathetic to the multiple and long-lasting effects of the abuse he inflicted on you? Would he allow you to take as much time as you need to heal? How would (or how is) he responding to your grievances about what he did to you?

        If you don’t feel safe sharing those kinds of emotions and thoughts and grievances with your husband, I suggest that he may not have changed as much as you think he has.

        Maybe you might find it helpful to go to a counselor for yourself, if you think that you may have some suppressed pain and anger and grief that you want to allow to come to the surface (for your healing). A counselor might be able to help you explore this, in a safe way, without having to expose it to your husband first. If you then later wanted to share those things with your husband, you could then see how he responded…

        And you might also find it helpful to read these two things:

        Defining domestic abuse by a list of behaviors is never going to capture it

        Honouring Resistance

  30. anon

    I feel too needy BUT I would really like to request prayers be said for me. Things in my life are getting worse and worse. I am alone. My abusers are many and I am alone without any resources, no car, no home, no nothing. Cyberbullying and stalking. all sorts of harassment and violation. I’m already suicidal and just getting through the day is a big enough hurdle for me. I can’t go to seek help via medical because that’s all my abuser’s turf. I am but prey for so many vicious people. I’ve started self-harming. Things are about to get considerably worse for me and nobody cares except for those who wish to further harm me, bully me, etc. I’d bet they’re excited for sadistic reasons. I pray that God blesses me, helps me in everything that I’m trying to do for myself, and just doesn’t let it get any worse.

    To God alone be all the glory!

    • anon, I don’t think you sound ‘too needy’. I am praying for you right now.

    • Debbie

      I am praying for you Anon. I have been where you are, I care. God cares for you and about you. You are precious. Hugs.

    • Praying for you Anon,
      What a precious heart you have. Your final statement is to give glory alone to God.
      You have shown the desires of your heart. May you be released from this bondage.
      ((hugs)).

    • H

      My heart is just breaking for you Anon. I’m praying for you fervently. God bless you, precious one.

  31. Concerned Mother

    Lifting up all the prayer requests again.

  32. Chrysanthemum

    continued from above. Hi Barbara, I did not see a way to reply to your response, so starting a new one. I have as kindly and gently as possible told him everything about how I feel, (and don’t feel) and of course it makes him sad but he says he doesn’t blame me and understands why I would feel that way. Shaking with sobs, he has said “I remember doing all these things, but I didn’t realize I was losing my family.” Please pray for my heart and for my work with my therapist and the Mending the Soul group I am trying to join, to see if I am having problems with suppression. I am encouraged by your insights. Thank you very much.

    • Hi Chrysanthemum, our blog allows for three levels of nested comments. My last comment to you was a third-level comment, which is why you didn’t see a way to reply immediately below it — so it’s not your fault, it just the way the blog is set up. 🙂

      You said ” I have as kindly and gently as possible told him everything about how I feel…”

      That makes me wonder whether you are trying to put those things to him so kindly and gently that you are thinking more of caring for his feelings than for yours. This is what we have done for years as victims: focused on trying to keep our abuser happy, trying not to disturb his feelings. And to do this, we have usually de-focused from our own feelings– hence we may end up feeling somewhat numb, or we may have a lot of anger and pain that we have buried… (as I said above).

      I’m glad you are trying to get into a Mending the Soul group. Maybe you might also like to consider going to a Domestic Abuse support service (Women’s Centre) and seeing if they have groups for women who have been through (or are still in) domestic abuse. I attended two such groups and I found them both very helpful. They helped me awaken more to what I was really feeling and the things I had buried in order to ‘get through’ the day to day of living with an abuser.

      Given that you are in counseling and intending to get into a support group, I have every confidence that you will gradually experience more and more healing. 🙂 In the meantime, I encourage you not to be hard on yourself for being where you are at right now. 🙂

    • H

      Hi Chrysanthemum, I read your posts above and I was just thinking that I hope you will not feel any pressure from any direction to either stay with or leave your husband, or to force yourself to have emotions for him, or to give up doing so. As Barb said, it’s not surprising you don’t have feelings for him, since he has been mistreating you. I’d encourage you to just focus on the Lord and what he has for you, not any outside pressure of what you think you “should” do or feel. The Lord cares so much for you, and his plan for you is perfect and for your good. God wants to speak to you and tell you what his will is to do, and he will lead and guide you and help you to follow him. I’m praying you will be encouraged to seek his will and he will strengthen you and give you joy in him. I’m also praying the counseling will be helpful to you.

  33. collums74

    I am praying for you. I am so sorry. I know how it feels to have so mAny unjustly against you. I hear your heart.

    • Hi, just letting you know that the name you’d given for your screen name looked like it might be your real name, so I changed it to collums74 which is what you used before on this blog. 🙂

  34. Tess

    Hi everyone
    I am having a meltdown day and don’t know where else to turn as I feel so very pathetic., yet I feel I will get some words of wisdom here.

    I am paralysed by guilt and shame and hiding under the duvet because of it. I have just been on my knees by the side of my bed, as I did when I was a child.(it is lunchtime here).

    I cannot leave my house I am so very oppressed by something I have done and and not sure if I did right or wrong in God’s eyes.

    This feeling of condemnation is not from a loving Father, I know that…It’s from someone else whose name I will not mention in case he gets some glory from it.

    Some of you may know a little of my story as I have been quite vocal on her at times.

    My story is not as traumatic as most other posters…. Nevertheless, to me it has caused many health issues, mental and physical.

    Briefly, before I get to today’s dilemma…. Adopted shortly after birth, stuck at an emotionally abusive marriage for nearly three decades, now have symptoms of PTSD after an abusive and bullying Christian lady [lady1], supposedly​ helping me come to terms with my eventual divorce and following health difficulties, began unexpectedly to manipulate and control me.

    Lady1 was a queen bee in a clique and the other people in the clique gave me the cold shoulder because I became too popular..

    Another of these ladies (lady2) had already been damaged and emotionally abused by lady1 and was going “no contact” when we got together for mutual support one day when i was suicidal.

    Lady 2 had been very cold towards me up until then…seeing me as a rival for the attention of our mutual Controlling friend..

    During her visit to give me some support, she began to criticise lady1 having nothing good to say about her….- telling me private details of their toxic friendship – details which really caused me some distress and which I had not asked to know.

    I let her vent her angst as it was obvious she was still hurting from the loss of the friendship and was indeed doing her best to recover, as I was. She advised me “have nothing to do with lady 1”.

    Then shortly afterwards, I discovered that these two ladies were friends again and doing things together…I was so perplexed and bewildered by this sudden change of heart. This pushed me to go “no contact ” with both of them…. However, I have struggled to keep “no contact” due to an irrational fear of bumping into lady1 in this small community (PTSD). This fear made me fearful and isolated, so I felt led to try to downgrade our friendship to a more casual one rather than break it off totally.

    I got back in touch two days ago by email and found that lady1 was still angry and blaming me. She accused me of gossiping about her to lady2, and of sharing intimate and private details about her, that I had been disloyal and that I had caused her a lot of pain and heartbreak.

    Of course, I had not done so, so it seems that lady2 had lied and twisted our conversation, blame shifting everything onto me..

    I was upset and angry – I rarely get angry, which explains why I am easy to abuse, I guess.
    I think I am annoyingly meek… Though not weak!!

    I have read the eBook you recommended, Barbara, and now realise that I have been quietly resourceful and shown resilience most of the time when I hadn’t realised it. The eBook was very reassuring and healing…Thank you Barbara.

    Back to my present dilemma…….

    I responded to lady1’s wrongful accusations by writing to tell her what really was said between lady2 and myself. I said I wanted to defend myself as I would never ever betray her [lady1] in that way.

    (I need to keep in this lady’s good books as going no contact is v stressful for me)..
    It was important for my mental health that she believed me…I had prayed and humbled myself before God for most of that day, as I knew that any further conflict would mean once again breaking off the friendship completely, which I had tried several times….Living in such a small community is difficult and as we were not husband and wife with children, the ideal solution I feel would be to just retain enough contact so that we could at least say “hi” if we were to accidentally meet..

    However, I now feel overwhelmed by sorrow, feeling totally out of order, because I spoke of lady 2 so negatively…Even though it was all true.

    You see I am usually extremely careful and v sensitive about my words (see book of James), so I now am so so ashamed of defending myself in what appears to be an attempt at vindication…. Should I have waited for the Lord to vindicate me? I am paralysed by condemnation… which I feel is the anxiety and PTSD speaking.

    I must sound so pathetic, having read of other’s violent stories on this blog.
    I am sorry for this…But I desperately need some Spiritual comfort and encouragement.

    Thanks to everyone.

    • Hi Tess, for some bizarre reason your comment had gone to the Spam folder, but we have resurrected it. I’ve edited it for clarity and done a little bit airburshing (dis-identification) as well. I’m okay about publishing it. But if you later decide that either lady1 or lady2 might find it here, and so you want us to remove it, just email twbtc.acfj@gmail.com

    • Hi Tess please forgive me for my delayed reply. I’ve been stretched as usual.

      I want to assure you that you didn’t sin by telling Lady1 what really took place in your conversation with Lady2. And you didn’t sin by speaking ‘negatively’ to Lady1 about Lady2. What you said to Lady1 was the truth. It is not a sin to speak the truth! And it not a sin to expose the works of darkness or bring them to light.

      You said:

      I responded to lady1’s wrongful accusations by writing to tell her what really was said between lady2 and myself. I said I wanted to defend myself as I would never ever betray her [lady1] in that way…

      It was important for my mental health that she believed me…

      I now am so so ashamed of defending myself in what appears to be an attempt at vindication. Should I have waited for the Lord to vindicate me?

      I don’t think it was wrong to defend yourself. However, I think it was unwise of you to hope that Lady1 would believe you and to hang your mental wellbeing so much on that hope. Lady1 has demonstrated herself to be a self-centred, manipulative, lying person with a very deficient conscience, so she is very unlikely to believe you and vindicate you. She is only likely to use whatever you say to her as ammunition to continue manipulating you and others. By looking to her for validation and vindication, I think you were looking in the wrong place.

      But this doesn’t mean you should only have ‘waited on the Lord to vindicate you’. The Lord will most certainly vindicate you in the end, but none of us know how soon that will be.

      I honour your desire to be believed. I honour your longing to be validated and vindicated. I honour your bravery and steadfastness is standing up for yourself. You are healthy and normal to want validation and vindication: there is nothing wrong or unspiritual about wanting those things. I encourage you to look for validation and vindication not from lady1 (or lady2) but from places like this blog, your PTSD counsellor if you have a good one, etc. And I encourage you to forgive yourself for putting so much hope into this lady1 changing her ways. If you now see that as a mistake, the thing is that you can grow from having made that mistake: you can plan and rehearse in your mind how you can avoid putting so much hope in abusers in the future.

      Have you read our Wise as Serpents posts? If not, I think they would help you. There are sixteen posts in that series, here is the first one, and after that you can find the rest by putting ‘wise as serpents’ in the search bar of this blog.

      Alternatively, you may like to listen to the audios of Jeff Crippen’s Wise as Serpents sermon series.

      (((hugs))) from Barb

    • And Tess, you might like to mentally rehearse in your mind how you can acknowledge Lady1 if you bump into her down the street. You could, for example, say “Hello” in a tone that is not joyous, not excited, not warmly friendly, not even mildly friendly — a tone that shows you acknowledge her but are not pleased to see her. And while saying “hello” you could look directly but briefly into her eyes, with a guarded and rather stern look to show your boundaries are up and are up strongly. And then pass on, go on with your business and do not give her another second of your time. The brief ‘hello’ is need to all you do to acknowledge her. And if she tries to engage in further conversation with you, simply say something like “No, I don’t want to talk to you” and walk on.

  35. Tess

    Sorry Barbara….Not thinking straight today……..The eBook i found so helpful was Honouring Resistance……An excellent read.
    Thank so much.

  36. Tess

    Hello
    I have a feeling that my previous long comment was inappropriate for this site. If so, I am very sorry and will understand if you remove it.

    God bless you all and thank you for your wisdom and support​.

  37. BJ

    As so many others share…..married about two decades. My husband is in a professional field providing care for people. He is a functioning alcoholic with the charm and charisma of a snake. In all these years we have battled through his alcoholism, adulterous affairs, porn issues, a lot of verbal and emotional abuse and limited physical abuse. As the church secretary to a fairly large church in our town, very few know of the truth of our relationship. I’ve confided in my pastor’s wife and pastor, our associate pastor etc.

    All that being said, while I’m waiting on God to heal my marriage and the demons my husband deals with, how do I convince my pastor that he could play an integral part from the pulpit. When I seek counsel I hear various things….”wait on the Lord” (which I’m doing)…”pray”…(do ALOT of that)….but I agree completely that the church doesn’t seem to want to even deal with these issues of abuse! And because of the position I have on staff I am very aware of other marriages that are dealing with the same issues.

    I hope this made sense!

    • Hi BJ, welcome to the blog 🙂

      We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      If you want us to change your screen name to something other than BJ, just email The woman behind the curtain: twbtc.acfj@gmail.com — she will be happy to assist. 🙂 We want to help you keep safe, and it’s not a good idea to use a screen name that might give away your identity to your abuser or his allies.

      I also airbrushed some of the details in your comment, to reduce the risk of you being identified. Please do read our New Users page and it gives guidance about how to disidentify your comments.

    • How do I convince my pastor that he could play an integral part from the pulpit?

      Number one, many pastors resist being educated about this topic. Especially if the person trying to educate them is a woman.

      Number two, many pastors think they already know how to respond to domestic abuse; this means that they are proud and conceited and unwilling to recognise that they could in fact learn a lot more… and respond better to the issues than they are doing.

      Having said that, here is our page for Pastors who want to learn how better to respond to domestic abuse:

      https://cryingoutforjustice.com/as-a-pastor-what-are-the-most-important-things-for-me-to-know-about-domestic-abuse/

    • Jeff Crippen

      BJ – Your story is an example of what we find in most churches. Wicked abusers hiding behind a facade of false holiness. But worse yet, pastors and church leaders and members who simply will not see it, will not obey the Lord and deal with it, and end up allying with and/or enabling the abuser. In most cases men like your husband, a “professional” in his career, continue to be held in high regard in the church EVEN after the pastors know what he is doing in his home. There is only one right way for a church to handle such evil in its midst and that is to tell the sin to the entire congregation and put the man out. 1 Cor 5 is absolutely black and white on this. All the talk about praying more, being patient more, etc is nothing more than an excuse for disobedience to God’s Word. You did well in exposing the evil, but don’t expect those pastors to stand with you against it. In almost all cases you will never convince your pastor to do what is right. That is the reality.

  38. Daffodil

    This is a praise God! While my NPD first husband was and evidently is still wrapped up in love of money, God just blessed me in t[details redacted to protect identity of commenter]. Now I will be able to purchase a home for cash and even have a modest cushion left over. My new husband and I are planning and praying to set up a foundation out of which we can donate to missions and ministries, and God is making a way for that to happen. Though part of my heart will be forever broken that my ex doesn’t know Jesus as Lord, still I embrace and rejoice in the overflowing goodness of God to me, literally double for my trouble. And God continues to show up in encounters I have almost daily sharing Jesus with others! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless His Holy Name!

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