We at A Cry For Justice desire to come along side those of you who have been wounded by abuse. We strive to do this through our teachings and through praying for he victims that we are aware of.
Concerned Mom, January 5, 2016 — I’d just like to ask for prayer for my child who still has shared custody with the abusive dad. I have lost over and over again in court (judge gives him whatever he wants), and our child had begun to stand up to dad and resist the mental and emotional abuse and now it escalated. I pray all night when my child is there. Thank you.
(Eds. note: some identifying details removed to protect the identity of the mother and child)
Barbara Roberts, January 7, 2016 — I will pray
Concerned Mother, April 25, 2016 — She called crying; he keeps getting in her face, saying she’s not normal and that she is a bad kid, which she never has been. He took her phone away so no way to contact me. … So much more is happening…Things are escalating badly. All I can do is pray and pray.
Barbara Roberts, April 25, 2016 — getting down on my knees to pray now
Concerned Mother, April 25, 2016 — Thank you. I read the Psalms out loud. I prayed for a way for her to be free of the enemy. It has been over 12 years of this stuff now.
Barbara Roberts, April 25, 2016 — I’ve been praying imprecations on him.
Concerned Mother, May 9, 2016 — It’s escalating even more. He is crazy-making and talking about putting cameras in her room, etc. She had to go to the doctor today and is not getting better; staying ill because she’s so stressed. Right now, I can use prayer for her if anyone is available. I don’t get her until Wednesday and he is not letting up.
Barbara Roberts, May 9, 2016 — praying
Concerned Mother, May 9, 2016 — Thank you, I am honored by your prayers and to pray for others here. I am asking God to make the supernatural happen to prevent the ex from taking my child for summer vacation. She said she’d rather kill herself than be stuck in another state with him. She has never wanted to go, but she says she feels “scared, this time.” And that’s why I keep asking for prayer. I know if two or more agree…and I am also now praying the imprecations, as I have to fight for her in the heavenly realm. Going to court would be impossible with a misogynistic fellow narcissistic judge and we were warned not to “make things up.”
Barbara Roberts, May 9, 2016 — Okay i’ve already been praying imprecatory prayers on your abuser. Now i’ll add that judge into those prayers too.
Collums74, January 5, 2016 — I will pray!
Concerned Mother, April 4, 2016 — Thank you! I will ask please if anyone would kindly agree with me in prayer once again. She currently has a [fairly common, bacterial] infection; we took her to the Dr. after having done so a few times with “it’s a virus,” told to use by each one. Now it’s bad. and her dad is also ill (barely). He makes her wait on him hand and foot.
Also, he is making an unholy alliance with a young male adult who is connected to our family who is starting to look like a controller. He tends to “pick on” my child and toss her around and physically handle her, supposedly playfully, but I don’t want his hands on her at all. All this needs to stop. I have asked him to not rough her up, but he doesn’t seem to get it. Thank you all once again.
[Eds: some details airbrushed to protect identity of victims]
H, May 6, 2016 — I’m praying for you. What you are saying is sending chills down my spine. Oh Lord, please rise up and send help and a defender for this little one! Strike down the unjust judge and bring one to replace him that will do your will and protect the helpless.
Concerned Mother, May 16, 2016 — She is there again going through so much…he says he will take her for 3 weeks this summer and she told me she wants to die…thanks for praying, the enemy is angry because of our prayer here. Yet, I have to believe God is doing something we cannot see…
Concerned Mother, May 23, 2016 — Just wanted to update; after a few weekends of horror for her with him making her crazy while she’s there, he’s messaged me saying he’s found her a counselor and wants to take her and that I’m welcome to come. I said I have to give my okay on who it is. I’m shaking and terrified, as we all know what the experience of going to a counselor with an abuser is like; I still have nightmares over mine. I am asking prayer for some type of breakthrough; maybe the counselor won’t be an ally of his? Of course, I doubt it, he wouldn’t have her assigned to someone who’d believe her, would he….?
Barbara Roberts, May 23, 2016 — Good grief. Here are some ideas for you to mull over. Could you give permission only if certain conditions are met? Put the conditions in writing and get the counselor to sign off on them before the counseling can begin. The conditions could be things like:
— daughter sees the counselor only in private, not with either parent present
— you also see the counselor in private, not with the father present.
Collums74, January 5, 2016 — Please pray for a parenting meeting I have this week. The GAL and counselor involved are planning on recommending unsupervised visitations with their abusive father. The older ones stand up to him so he doesn’t want them anymore. The younger children are terrified of their father and he has done many dangerous and erratic things. I ask that you pray their visitation remains supervised as it is right now. That the judge’s eyes will be opened to the damage the abuse has caused the children. The prayers of Faithful friends and people on this site have been answered so far because the visitation has remained supervised for over 2 years which is basically a miracle in today’s family court. The hearing is this week please pray diligently for protection for these girls. If the ruling allows unsupervised visitation please pray that God will wrap these little one’s souls with strength and protection. It will be like a death sentence to us as many of you are already experiencing.
Barbara Roberts, January 7, 2016 — I am praying
Concerned Mother, April 4, 2016 — Did not see an update. How did it go?
Savedbygrace, January 6, 2016 — Praying x
Lost, February 7, 2016 — Need prayer. Don’t think God hears me, sees me, or has chosen me.
I’m constantly stonewalled. Husband knows all the court tactics and will take kids if I leave again. He’s a master manipulator. A liar. Ups and downs in the confusing abusive cycle- I’m destroyed, exhausted, depressed, lost and my little kids are even against me. Theu always have been. Not their fault. He encourages it on purpose. They think I’m being mean to him because I’m standing up to him now. I bet he’ll kill me- I see his contempt and hate. I just hope I’m really saved. I’m so confused. My stomach hurts. I hate myself.
Jeff Crippen, February 7, 2016 — Lost- may the Lord bless and protect you. Go to your local womens shelter and ask for help. We can feel hopeless but God sees all. There is hope.
Lost, February 8, 2016 — Hi Jeff. Been there done that. Mixed messages. They don’t believe in God and if they do it’s against they’re policy to talk about anything regarding Him. I’ll lose my kids for good if I do. He’s already been alienating me from the kids emotionally for years now. His family has money and they are just like he is to me. Things are escalating. It’s like I don’t exist here. I need to go somewhere but shelters aren’t very helpful in that I’m still stupid when it comes to being abused. I can’t see it until it’s bad. I don’t know how to be in healthy relationships period. I don’t trust anyone. I can’t. I’ve tried.
Lost, February 10, 2016 — Hi Jeff. If He sees all, why doesn’t He see me and help me and where is He? No one believes me. I can’t stand the stonewalling. I’m dying inside. No one calls him what he is. They sympathize and defend and are also very diplomatic. I think I’m evil. “Pray more, stop being angry, talk more, he doesn’t understand he’s abusive, he has a lot to learn,” etc etc. They talk to him and he lies and justifies everything. I’m not safe here and I’m not safe out of here either. This will never end.
Barbara Roberts, February 10, 2016 — They may not believe you, but we do. All our team believe you. I think I can safely say that all the commmenters on this blog believe you (because we don’t let abusers and their allies comment here).
The people who don’t call him what he is — I encourage you not to listen to them. If you hear their words and their nasty insinuations about you, and their foolish advice, I encourage you to put up a mental wall against it, so it doesn’t penetrate your soul and make you doubt yourself.
God sees ALL. He sees the evil and the cover-up of evil. He sees the minimisation of evil. He sees how they are slandering you. He sees the foolish and dangerous things they are saying to you.
Is God helping you? Only you can assess that, but may I suggest that He has helped you at least a little bit by leading you to this blog? I don’t want to big-note myself or any of the ACFJ team: I am only hoping to encourage you to consider that God maybe working on your behalf, even if His light is only faintly getting thru the cracks of the prison at the moment. I recognise the reality of the heavy darkness you feel you are in. I don’t want to minimise or discount how unsafe you feel. You are the expert on your situation, and I honour you for how you have survived against the odds thus far!
Jeff Crippen, February 10, 2016 — Lost- You are not the first person to be oppressed and ask “Lord, where are you? Why do you not answer me? Why do you allow the wicked to oppress me?” The best answer I can give you to your just and good question – “why doesn’t he see me and help me and where is He?” – is His own Word. This is Psalm 77, and there are other Psalms like it. Read it through slowly. Identify with the Psalmist as he asks these questions of the Lord. Then notice how he remembers. He remembers back through history and how in Scripture the Lord has revealed Himself to be a help to His people and to all that call out to Him. His promise is that as we trust Him and keep calling out to Him, He WILL hear because He has done so before. Here it is –
To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph. I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah. You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah. Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled. The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side. The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Barbara Roberts, Febuary 7, 2016 — One thing you can be certain of, Lost, God has not chosen your husband!
(God may bring him to faith later, but it is certain that he is not saved at this point in time. And with his intensely hard heart, he is likely to fight against God’s calling. His destiny is known to God.)
Barbara Roberts, February 7, 2016 — I am praying for you.
Concerned Mother, April 25, 2016 — Thinking of you today, Lost. Keeping you in prayer.
Debbie, February 8, 2016 — Praying for you.
Not Really Scared Anymore, February 11, 2016 — Praying for you too!! I think have all been at that place where we feel like God doesn’t hear us and all around us are pointing accusing fingers. It is a hard, hard place to be. Praying for you. I was helped by reading the Psalms, knowing that David, A man after God’s own heart, felt like I did. I also spent a lot of time reading Joel. Knowing that there were locusts of all sorts just eating away but that God WOULD replenish. It has been a long long road. I went from having my tag be “Still Scared”, to “Still Scared but you can call me Cindy” , to hopefully able to change it to “not really scared anymore” ( If my computer skills will allow me to do it) . It has been 6 years since I got free. My kids are slowing healing and thriving. God is good. But it was a very difficult road.
Barbara Roberts, February 11, 2016 — Hey, I like your screen name, Not Really Scared Anymore!!
Barbara Roberts, February 11, 2016 — So glad for you, NRSA!
Barbara Roberts, February 8, 2016 —
I have prayed this today for Lost, Karen, Loves6, ConcernedMother, Collumns74, NewLife, FreedomGirl, Anna in the Temple, IamMyBeloved’s, AnotherAnon, Still Reforming, Not Too Late, Trying to Escape, Keeper, and all the many many others, whose names I may or may not know, who are dealing with abuse and its horrific consequences.
A Psalm of David. Hear my prayer, O LORD;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah
Answer me quickly, O LORD!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!
I have fled to you for refuge.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!
For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.
(Psalm 143 ESV)
Anonymous, February 8, 2016 — Thank you Barb.
Anotheranon, February 10, 2016 — Thank you Barbara! I have really been needing some encouragement lately. Keep praying God will lead me step by step.
Concerned Mother, April 4, 2016 — Thank you! The Psalms got me through the worst of times with him. I still read them and pray them. Most of the Psalms will cover what all of us are going through!!
Trying to Escape, February 8, 2016 — Thank you for your prayers. I just want to post an encouraging note. The Lord has delivered me from my evil abuser. The process to get free has been terrifying BUT I held firm and truly BELIEVED and PRAYED for the Lord to step in and fight this battle and He gave me the strength and endurance to persevere. I was reminded by Jeff that the battle truly is the Lord’s and He is Victor over evil. Don’t give up, Lost.
Lost, February 10, 2016 — I am giving up. No one believes me out here. I’m starting to think I’m a monster. I hate him. But the bible says if you hate you’re brother you’re a liar and God is not in you right? He’s called me the devil. Maybe I am. I don’t think I’m saved. I hate my life. I need help and there is NONE.
Barbara Roberts, February 10, 2016 — Dear Lost, it sounds to me like your head is cabbaged with the false accusations made by the abuser and the viewpoint he and your church have of you. (I read that expression years ago, in an account from another survivor. She said, “My head is cabbaged with him.”)
I encourage you to say over and over to yourself:
My husband is a liar.
His accusations against me are wicked falsehoods.
What he is accusing me of is what he does.
He labels me with the wicked qualities he has.
…if you hate you’re brother you’re a liar and God is not in you right? He’s called me the devil.
Listen to John 3:20 — For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.
Your husband fights back when good people (like you) expose and denounce his sins. He seldom if ever confesses his sins freely, and if he does ‘confess’ any sin of his, he only does it to manipulate people. In contrast, you are by your own free will exposing what you think are your sins (e.g. punching your husband once, when he came home after being away for ages with no explanation) and opening yourself to feedback from any readers at this blog. You are not trying to keep your misdeeds in the dark. You are wanting to bring them into the light. That means you are NOT like your husband. You are the opposite of your husband. You (like any believer — we all still struggle against the flesh) are wanting to change so that you become more like Christ. You are open to correction: you do not fight against it! Can you see that means there is a VAST difference between you and your husband.
Let me put this to you. By stating the truth that your husband is abusing you, you are actually loving him. You hate what he does so much that you are compelled by leading of the Holy Spirit to refuse to go along with it, to denounce it, to expose it. So you hate his conduct and his entitled attitude. At the same time, you are showing love: you care about your husband’s eternal destiny, and you care for your own soul, and you care for the endangered church which is in such darkness because it is wilfully blind to evil. You hate evil and lies. That is a loving stance to take. It is the stance God himself takes.
The church at large is distorting Christian truth so much that they are preaching a false God — a god who does not confront and expose evil, a god who welcomes wolves into the flock and thus makes the church unsafe for the sheep, the true followers of Christ.
When we are dealing with a hardened sinner (such as your husband) we love them by confronting them with their sin, by exposing their sin to the light. They hate it being exposed! They hate their evil ways being denounced! They fight back and they fight back hard. Whenever you have stood against the sins of your husband, whenever you have tried to set boundaries against him, he has fought you, he has probably escalated his abuse, and if you disclosed his abuse to others he has snowed them so they side with him. These are the actions of a wicked man who FIGHTS as hard as he can against having to give up his sins.
This post by Ellie illustrates true love: I left him because I loved him.
Your husband calls you the devil because he loves to revile you: to sling false accusations at you, to slander you, crush you, make you doubt your morality, make you doubt your good character. He constantly seeks to undermine your dignity and self esteem. He seeks to squeeze the life out of you. That is what abusers DO.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He DO That? It will help you a lot I think. You might be able to borrow it from you local library.
Also I encourage you to listen to Jeff’s 20+ sermons on Domestic Violence and Abuse. They are free. You can find a link to them here:
https://cryingoutforjustice.com/resources/sermons/. They deal with the psychology and methods of sin.
And I encourage you to keep reading the posts on this blog about how it IS godly to hate evil. You are righteous to hate the abuser’s conduct and mentality. He is not a Christian brother. He has never been born again. He is an unregenerate man. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. We are not commanded to love wolves in sheep’s clothing! We are instructed to avoid them, to have nothing to do with them (2 Tim 3:1-5). And we are commanded to expel them from the church! (1 Cor. 5:11-13). Your church is not doing that, and that means they are enabling the wolf.
Here are some more posts about how it is right to hate evil:
If you Are a Christian, then You Practice Hatred. Really!
Anger, hatred, vengeance: – am I feeling them? are my feelings wrong?
Healinginhim, February 10, 2016 — Don’t give up, Lost.
Barbara has given great insight and encouragement.
Lost, February 10, 2016 — I need help. No one believes me. They speak the way the blog about Erin states those people talked to her. I need help. I’ll inly be free if I run away and leave the kids. They already hate me because he let’s them eat candy and do whatever they want all the time. I have no help. Where is there a place I can go that believes what you Barbara and Jeff believes. You are the only ones I know who say it like it really is. I need a place to escape and a way to know more about what you guys know. I can’t live like this! The language out here is sympathic to him as a sinner. I can’t believe nobody knows what to do! I truly wish I were never born. One lady said I was overwhelmed emotionally and we could look at the bible. I told her I’m standing up- that’s what you hear!- I’m not just emotional. This is what standing up looks like- I’m angry at all of the injustice and passivity! My husband always wins. Always! He does whatever it takes and it works every time. People just love him. He good looking, fit and knows the bible well. He’s influential and charming and knows no boundaries. People love that! Somebody please email me with places or numbers to go.
Jeff the dv places here don’t help as I’ve been there already. A lady even told me to respect him more. Seriously?! He’s the one that has no respect for me as a human much less a wife! I’m not crazy but these places don’t hear me. I need help with people that know what you guys know. Please help. I’m completely lost. I posted on here bc I can’t see if you’ve replied elsewhere to the request of a place and phone numbers thru email. So this is an easier location for me to return. I’ve clicked “notify me comments thru email” but it’s never worked so far
Barbara Roberts, February 10, 2016 —
Dear Lost, I am concerned that you are not getting email notifications of further comments on a thread, after you have commented on a thread and ticked the box saying you want to get such notifications. We have never had a commmenter say that before. I am not blaming you, but this is a new problem which we haven’t faced before, so at the moment I am at a loss about how to fix it.
If you read this commment of mine, please email me: email@example.com
In your email, tell me whether or not you got an email notifying you of this comment of mine.
Also, do you believe it is safe for me to email you? As blog administrators, we can see your email address (at the back of the blog) but we don’t want to email you unless you are confident that your abuser is not monitoring your emails. Some abusers monitor their victim’s emails; they technologically spy on their victim’s email account. We would not want to email you if it increased your danger from the abuser.
Here is the Cybersafety page of our Resources. You might like to read the links there.
Barbara Roberts, February 11, 2016 — Since the DV places near you have not helped, then maybe you might consider ringing your national DV hotline and asking to be put into a shelter (or for other suggestions), but not a shelter associated with the DV service you used before, because you had a bum steer there. Our Hotlines page is under our Resources tab, but here is a direct link to it. cryingoutforjustice.com/resources/hotlines/
Barbara Roberts, February 11, 2016 —Also, Lost, maybe you could create a new email address and comment from that. Make sure the new email address has a strong password, one that is not easy to guess. Make sure it is a password you have never used before and will not use for anything else. If possible, use a computer in your local library to do it, so that if your abuser has installed keystroke-tracking software on your computer or mobile device, he will not be able to know the password you have chosen.
Then (still at the library if possible) use the new email address to set up a new WordPress account. Then whenever you want to comment on this blog, comment from that new WordPress ID. Preferably from a computer that your abuser has never had access to. I know that sounds tough.
If you need coaching on how to do all this, email our assistant TWBTC. She often helps readers who are having problems setting up their WordPress accounts and other such stuff.🙂
Her address is firstname.lastname@example.org
Anna in the Temple, February 11, 2016 — Hi Lost. I am not sure where to begin except to say I have felt like you did and despaired of life. In the end I saw God’s provision and even though I came close to death He brought me through. When I look back now I realise He preserved me even though I lost everything. I am sorry it is so hard for you now. Please hang in there. I will pray for you. Much love in Christ, dear sister.
Prayingformykids, February 12, 2016 — I’m wondering if you have any knowledge of Dr Gregory Jantz and his book called “don’t call it love” Couldn’t find him or his book on either of your recommended or not recommended resources lists.
as well, wondering if you know anything about the “Center for Hope” in Edmunds Washington
Please Pray, February 18, 2016 — Thank you so much for your blog. It is encouraging to know that someone understands the tactics of abusive people.
Please pray for me as I have been in an ongoing custody dispute for several years with an abusive man who is a former pastor. He assaulted me and broke my nose to the point where it had to be surgically repaired. He still makes it a point to be very involved in church and takes my children to church every Sunday as well as catechism to play a personal marketing and public relations game. I have moved to another town in the same county but have not avoided his stalking or legal harassment in doing so. Since the judge in our case has repeatedly denied him custody of our children, he has now asked for a jury trial which is allowed for custody in the state I reside. The trial is scheduled for the middle of March. I no longer have the money to defend myself and will be going to the jury trial representing myself. Please pray for me and my children (who are being constantly manipulated) that the people on the jury see the Truth and are not taken in by my former spouse’s smoke and mirror tactics. Please pray that his evil ways are put to an end and that God will heal my family.
Collums74, February 18, 2016 — I am praying for you and your children and that the jury will see the truth.
Barbara Roberts, February 18, 2016 — I will pray. your story is so so common! The justice system esp in America needs to be shaken up big time.
Healinginhim, February 18, 2016 — Praying against the evil workings of manipulators and that God be glorified as Truth prevails.
Seeing The Light, March 8, 2016 — Praying for you and for your whole situation.
Trying To Escape, February 18, 2016 — I will pray…
Anon, February 20, 2016 — Pray for my courage7strength.
Barbara Roberts, February 20, 2016 — praying now, in response to your request.
And you will notice I changed the screen name in your comment — I did that for your safety.
Welcome to the blog🙂 We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
MovingForward, March 14, 2016 — I have been separated from my abuser for close to a year and he has a renewed interest in working things out. I see no evidence of repentance or heart change. Not buying what he is selling! I am so thankful for resources like this blog that have gotten my theology straight. I can’t even imagine going back into the daily chaos and fear.I would appreciate prayer that God would continue to reveal deceptive tactics by my abuser. Specifically, that the counselor he is working with would see the truth of the situation and very clearly know when my abuser is not being honest. Also, that the children and I would be able to settle into our own home soon-a fresh start to heal and recover.
TWBTC, March 14, 2016 — MovingForward, Praying!!
Barbara Roberts, March 15, 2016 — I shall pray for that, MF
Anna, March 24, 2016 — Hi all…. Could you all please keep me in prayer over the next few weeks. I believe I uncovered corruption etc at work and have been treated very badly as a result of trying to speak out. Please pray for wisdom and my safety and that an appropriate investigation will show up the maladministration etc as othera have not been as readily able to see what I discovered. Please pray for direction and sleep as I take steps forward. This may mean having to find a new job or other more dramatic outcomes….
Believing God, March 30, 2016 — I am so grateful to God to have discovered (I believe by the guidance of The Holy Spirit) this webpage. I have struggled with this very issue since my husband left in the fall of 2014. I was married to him for 7 years and sad to say, there were more sad than glad times. I have tried to love this man, but Ive come to realize that he loves himself, and has loved himself more than me. My marriage was a mixture of physical and verbal abuse. Physical until one day I scratched the heck out of him and had him scared half to death to go to sleep with me because I was fed up-but still had a lovesick heart for him. From that point it changed to a verbally abusive relationship. Which was just as bad. The man I had given my heart and soul to would always go below the belt in an argument. Calling me terrible curse words and telling me he considered me ugly, fat, stinky – anything to hurt me. Eventually it did, and I came to the point that I became paranoid I was becoming exactly what he called me. Gaining weight contributed to my poor perception of myself. He started preferring pornography to me, which also added to the growing list of insecurities I began to have.
I have had the mixed opinions of what to do, and I honestly tried to work out a long distance marriage with him (short term in my mind) but I have come to realize that the only gain for him in this marriage pertains to being a tax break. He is absolutely living it up in a major metropolitan and wants to live a part time marriage relationship indefinitely. Before he left he had stopped wearing his ring. And he still doesn’t wear it. So.to read this and feel the comfort that its okay to move on, that I will not disappoint God is confirmation for me to move on with my life. Trusting God to live in His peace and resting in Him. I am believing God to heal my wounded soul. I forgive but I don’t want to pursue saving my marriage anymore. He has been so selfish and lied so much about changing when I was ready to end things, and when I conceded would go back to shelving our marriage, living a carefree life that implied he was single and the anger issues would rear its ugly head here and there. He is going to church and says he’s changing, but I simply don’t want to risk being hurt anymore..I’m all worn out from trying to love my husband. I give. He takes, takes, takes.
Thank you for your candid and honest evaluation of the Word. Whom the Son sets free is truly free indeed. That’s ME.
God bless you in your work. Thank you for helping people like me.
TWBTC, March 31, 2016 — Hi Believing God,
Welcome to the blog and thank you for sharing your story. I am very glad you are ‘free at last’. You will notice that I changed your screen name – only because we have another regular commenter who uses that screen name and we want to be able to distinguish between the two of you. If you would rather have a different screen name, just contact me and I can change it. email@example.com
Also, we like to direct new commenters to our New User’s page. It gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.
Growing in Him, April 1, 2016 — Please pray for myself and my children. I am trying to progress my divorce but the sorcery against me is so strong I am getting nowhere. In the middle of the night I feel like giving up the demonic pressure is so strong.
Healinginhim, April 1, 2016 — Growing In Him — PRAYING for you. The oppression keeps us in the fog. I am forever grateful for ACFJ as they helped me realize that it was okay to admit to having the down times where you literally felt like you could not carry on. The enemy of our souls is so cunning at beating us down.
You’ve done the right thing by seeking prayer. Be reassured that ACFJ and others care and are praying for you. ((hugs))
Barbara Roberts, April 1, 2016 — I shall pray.
And readers, if you are wondering what Growing in Him means by ‘sorcery against her’, she has described it in this comment:
Concerned Mother, April 4, 2016 — Boy, do I ever believe in that! I think the enemy has been trying to kill me for my entire life. He has brought evil men into my life over and over again. I was backslidden and fell for some of them, and recognized others. A few were warlocks and sorcerers and spoke evil over me and yet, I fell for my daughter’s dad who masquerades as a Christ-follower. I had never known a true Christian man (until now, my first love returned to me, which is definitely a miracle). The enemy will try anything and everything to destroy those who want to grow closer to God and bring their children to Him. The evil was thick and I saw all types of demonic activity and tricks. Now, my ex is defenseless against my husband and me, but he continues his attacks against my child. She knows the Lord and sees it for what it is, but it mentally and physically wears her down. I wish this state would recognize her desire to live primarily with me.
[Eds: age of daughter deleted for safety reasons].
KayE, April 7, 2016 — I can barely believe I have to ask for prayer for this again. My ex left five years ago, but he has continued to work at gaining control of the younger daughter and turning her against me. Now things have suddenly become very very bad and mental health professionals have been recruited against me. My greatest concern is for her well-being and state of mind. I no longer have the power to do anything myself. I feel that unless someone else intervenes the consequences could be tragic.
Healinginhim, April 7, 2016 — Praying.
Barbara Roberts, April 7, 2016 — Praying!
Concerned Mother, April 7, 2016 — Also lifting you and your daughter in prayer right now.
Jeff Crippen, April 9, 2016 — Prayed for you this morning, KayE
Seeker, April 24, 2016 — Please pray God will give me wisdom and courage. Thank you.
TWBTC, April 24, 2016 — Hi Seeker, I am praying for you as you seek wisdom and courage!!
You will notice I changed your screen name to something less identifying for your safety. We like to direct new commenters to our New User’s Page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog. If you would like a different screen name just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I can change it.
Barbara Roberts, April 24, 2016 — Praying
Healinginhim, April 24, 2016 — Praying. ((hugs))
Concerned Mother, May 6, 2016 — Praying today overall the above. Sending God’s love, mercy and grace over you all…
Shari, May 9, 2016 — I need help and I don’t know where to go – it seems no one understands the depth of this insidious disorder.
I was married to a so called sociopath for nearly two decades who can appear very normal on the surface but was evil to the core. He had an affair for two years with my best friend during the time I was pregnant with our 2nd child which left me numb but that wasn’t even the beginning of it. He would push me up against the wall and down on the floor both times I was pregnant and then after I found out about the affair he put a loaded revolver to my head and pulled the trigger. He pushed me on the ground and kicked my with boots on. He either broke or dislocated my ribs that time. He picked me up by my hair and threw me across the back yard. He has burned me twice with a cigarette. The list goes on and on.
I finally left when my children were in their early teens, with no money or job. The children were in private school and I knew I would disrupt their lives even more by taking them out and creating chaos. Everyday I want to commit suicide. I can’t function and can’t get out of this depression. To look at me I’m a very normal person and people always thought we were a normal and great family but behind closed doors he was awful. I need help and don’t know where to turn. Counselors don’t get it – no one does unless you’ve been through it. He took everything from me and I don’t know how to put the pieces of my life back together. God please someone help.
Anon, May 9, 2016 — We all get it here. I am praying for you and your kids dear one. I am so deeply sorry that this happened to you. God does redeem our lives! He hears you!
Jeff Crippen, May 9, 2016 — Shari – I would recommend that you visit your local women’s shelter and see if they can refer you to a trauma counselor who really understands abuse and PTSD. All of those years of abuse take their toll. You have been in a war and terrorized for many, many years and you are most likely suffering from the trauma of it all. As an immediate resource to you, please read through the many, many posts here on this blog at ACFJ. We have found that learning the truth about abuse and abusers and their evil lies and tactics is very freeing to people who have suffered through it. Your physician may also be able to refer you to someone. Abuse takes its toll on a person in every way, including causing physical ailments, often stress related conditions.
Feel free to email us directly at email@example.com We are not professional counselors but we do understand abuse and serve as a place where you can be believed and validated.
Healinginhim, May 9, 2016 — Shari – I wish I lived close to you and that there was something I could physically do to help. You’ve come to the right place for prayer and guidance. Praying that this prayer request will somehow trigger a response that can help you.
There is much advice via the many posts and commenters at ACFJ.
If others knew what country, state, etc you lived in … there might be some connections and advice. ((HUGS)) and prayers to you.
Shari, May 10, 2016 — Dear Healinginhim,
Yes I wish I lived close to women who could relate and emotionally support one another. So hard to find that because most people don’t want negativity in their lives. In the area I live I have been to a counselor for the women’s shelter but you only get so many visits and she was 22 yrs. old. Thank you for the prayers and I will be praying for you also. I know God’s with all of us but I wish I sensed it more!
(Editor’s note: slight editing to protect the commenter’s identity)
Anotheranon, May 9, 2016 — Dear Shari,
I feel so badly for you! When I left my husband and he followed me I went to the local authorities. They referred me to the county victim/witness coodinator. She was very helpful with resources for me (women’s shelters, etc.) and a sympathetic listening ear. I was not physically abused as you have been but I was afraid nonetheless. Keep telling your story till you find someone who listens! Don’t give up! It’s hard to keep fighting for yourself when you’ve been beaten down for so long but pray diligently for strength and wisdom. God hears you. He loves you. I’m praying for strength for you, and if it helps, please pray for strength for me too. I need it desperately these days.
Shari, May 20, 2016 — Dear Anotheranon,
Thank you for your support and prayers and I will be praying for you too in that you will find the strength you need to make it through the day, every day.
Barbara Roberts, May 9, 2016 — Dear Shari, we believe you. We support you. We honor you.
And I shall pray for you.
And we have an offer of free books for those who can’t afford to buy them. You are more than welcome to take up our offer. Click here for more info.
Shari, May 10, 2016 — Dear Yvonne,
It’s scary that all of our stories are somewhat similar and even scarier that the abusers manipulate friends and relatives into thinking that they are the abused. I tried and tried to get into his head to figure out why he would do and say the things he did but just couldn’t understand him – why someone would want to hurt their spouse like that. My ex has turned my daughter against me at a time she needs me the most but I can’t tell her of all the terrible things he’s done just yet. Plus she’s so manipulated by him she most likely wouldn’t believe it. I’m sorry you have had to go through so much pain but know that one day we will all be vindicated. I am praying for you too.
Yvonne, May 9, 2016 — Shari, I just read everything you have been thru. My heart is so hurt. I have gone thru
exactly the same as you. My first husband abused me and broke my ankle by throwing a huge dresser drawer on it. Pulled me around a midnight out of bed by my hair
and put tape recorders in every room, to listen to conversations. I was high on antidepressants. He bought me to this country and kept me prisoner by taking key
and locking me in. I escaped ran out door took daughter and got on my feet. Took 5 years to get over then met next husband who was even worse, he was an alchohlic did not know. Then went to Prison 20 years and left us on street
evicted. I had 2 kids by then. All his abuse and anger also. He got out came back then left us again. So I completely understand . I had nowhere to turn or none to help. People and my family turned against me and away from me. I lost everything apartment car, went on welfare, lost my career etc.
After this 30 year merry go round I am now 65yrs old!!!!!! and just healing and getting on feet. Without God I would be in mental hospital. I am not from this country makes
it worse, no family here and alone now. So if you need a friend I am here to pray with you and lift you up. I really need one myself as no one understands the hell
I went thru. God Bless you.
Concerned Mother, May 24, 2016 — Yvonne, I just read your comment and am offering you a hand in friendship.❤ I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I picked badly as well. The enemy likes to try to destroy us, but God has other ideas and gives us strength and victory! I am so glad you have Him. Now you have friends here. No, wait, we are family here…! Hugs to you!
Healinginhim, May 24, 2016 — Yvonne, Shari and many others. Just adding my short comment of affirmation that you are believed and loved at ACFJ ministry. We all have scars that can be healed by the Lord through His faithful, loving servants. ((hugs))
Feeling Stuck, June 3, 2016 — Wow, you have a long prayer request page! I don’t know how often you check it. I am a survivor of abuse from my first husband. We have been divorced since 19**. I was the one who made the decision to divorce after several years. Even before we married, my ex did some abusive things, but I didn’t see it …we were both in college, a college that had a deaf program providing sign language interpreters. This was a new experience for me, for I had not known sign language for very long, and this was my first time having interpreters in class. This was truly a turning point in learning to see myself as a deaf person and being able to actually thrive in school.
This is where I met my first husband. Drinking was involved, and when we decided to date, I found that he would become coercive/forceful, but only mildly, in terms of sex. I didn’t think much of it then. We dated for about a year, and then he left to go back home. Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. He initially wanted me to have an abortion, giving me a promise ring that he still wanted to be with me, but just wasn’t ready to have a baby. My mom, my sister, some of my college friends and even some of the staff of the deaf center wanted me to abort. I had a few friends who were christians who supported and encouraged me to consider adoption. This was my plan until my 6th month, when I sent the adoption papers to my ex-husband. That is when he finally told his family that I was pregnant. His mother was a strong “believer” (religious person) and encouraged him to marry me. We did. Pretty much from the start, he would go out drinking with his friends or cousins, including an ex-girlfriend, and since I was pregnant… then gave birth to our son… he left me alone. He would come back early in the morning wanting sex. I would say no because I felt hurt by his abandonment and turned off by the drinking…he would grab me or pin me down and force me. This occurred many times throughout our marriage. We would argue continually…his anger would escalate….he would slam doors and stuff…it got to where I didn’t want to sleep with him at all.
I tried going to a christian counselor at the baptist church I attended… naturally, she told me to not deny sex with my husband. She never addressed the abuse/control/anger issues. I stopped seeing her. One time my ex was out of control…I think because I told him I was going to leave…he got a bb pistol and told me that if he held it by his temple, it would kill him, threatening to kill himself in front of me if I left. I refused. He finally went out through the kitchen, grabbing a knife, and walked out of the house and drove around. I think he went to his friend or family…I reached out to a friend of mine and packed up and left and went to an abuse shelter.
Long story short….I saw a baptist christian counselor, saw two different regular counselors, seeking help with my abuse issues and custody issues. It was a mess. I left him after about 5 years….Fast forward more than a dozen years, in 2009 I decided to attend a marriage class with my second husband, working through the book/workbook, “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley, I believe. There was a chapter about affection and intimacy that brought up the deep pain from my first husband’s abuse. Shortly after this, I went to a deaf conference with my best friend, and she encouraged me to talk to a male deaf counselor there. He was actually quite good. He asked me questions, and when I shared my story, he said it was abuse, period. Kudos to him for being willing to call it that, he was the first. He validated my pain and encouraged me to go through counseling. Unfortunately, he lived in another city a good ways from me, so I couldn’t use him. I tried finding a good one, but didn’t like any of them or didn’t find them helpful. Though I have been trying counseling off and on since I was a teen, after my attempted suicide…I just can’t stick with any counseling long term, I keep running, even now. My sister and I have suspected we were abused as kids, but neither of us has much memory. We both struggled with sexual behaviors even as teens, and throughout, though I have more as an adult.
Presently, I have been remarried for nearly two decades…this is our second year with no sex…I can’t handle it. I did think I dealt with it to an extent, being still before God and hearing him speak to my heart. I have forgiven my ex-husband. I realize healing comes in layers. I do worry a bit that I can’t keep my second husband waiting forever for intimacy again, but I cannot bear the idea. I hate to say that I would rather be single again. I don’t really trust/feel comfortable with any of the counselors…or how to find anyone good. I feel stuck. I am trying to seek God, to know Him intimately, to receive his love and peace and joy, etc. I need Him. Thank you. Sorry this is so long.
Barbara Roberts, June 3, 2016 — Dear sister, welcome to the blog and thanks so much for sharing.🙂
I edited your comment a little, and gave you a new screen name, to protect your identity. If you want us to change your screen name to something else, just email firstname.lastname@example.org .
I believe you. I feel for you. Here are some (((hugs))) for you if you want them.
I honour you for seeking healing from all the abuse and misjudgement you have suffered. I honour you for wanting to be able to be sexually intimate in a trusting way with your husband, but at the same time being aware that there is such a log-jam of trauma inside you that you can’t do it. I honour you for being aware of how you are feeling and not entirely suppressing it and going into denial about it!
I think you will find a lot of things on this blog helpful. I encourage you to take your time exploring the blog. We have many posts and resources that I think may help you. Here are the ones that most come to mind (in no particular order, apart from the first link which I urge you to read as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog):
New Users Info page
Do you tell others about the sexual abuse? — by Barbara Roberts
Choosing & Assessing a Counselor
Honouring Resistance – a wonderful resource for understanding abuse
“His Needs Her Needs” – any feedback?
A Critique of His Needs, Her Needs by William F. Harley
The Effects Of Disabilities On Women Trapped In Abuse
Feeling Stuck, June 4, 2016 — Thank you very much. I did look through the links. I did feel the His Needs, Her Needs book was rather superficial in dealing with issues. It is good to see something that explains more clearly about the book. It’s been a while since i read it but yeah, it’s wrong to presume that if you do things right to meet the other’s needs, then they won’t cheat. It’s not biblical. I had wondered if my ex actually did have an affair with his ex-girlfriend, but he never admitted it.
I don’t know what I need right now. All I know is that I’m stuck. Thank you. I’ll keep looking. ❤
Barbara Roberts, June 4, 2016 — Hi, Feeling Stuck.
Your screen name was given as your real name and I’ve changed it before publishing this comment. Also I removed the URL link to another social media site that was given as a link to the screen name you had given.
I think you might have to manually change the screen name and remove that URL in the comments form before you hit the ‘submit’ button. And if you have any queries or want more guidance in how to do that, email TWBTC. She can coach you through the process….
Because we have a team of moderators here on this blog, and we are all busy people, we can’t always guarantee to alter your screen name and remove that URL before we publish your comments. So please do your best to help us. We want you to stay safe, and if your comments are published under your real name with that link to you on that other social media, you are not likely to remain safe if your abuser or his allies are cyber-stalking you.
TWBTC, June 4, 2016 — Hi Feeling stuck,
This is TWBTC (the woman behind the curtain). If you can, email me from a safe email address (one which I can reply to without putting you in danger) at email@example.com together we will try to clear up some of the confusion regarding your screen name🙂
Mom to Many, June 16, 2016 — Please pray for justice and peace. I have lost custody of my children due to an abusive man who is like the men you describe on your website. I have been their primary parent since they were born, while we were married as well as through five years of single parenthood. This man lied in court and paid for a custody evaluation with a corrupt psychologist who also was paid to testify against me with lies. He has a history of domestic abuse and even a record of child neglect, but was given custody of my children anyway. I am heartbroken and reeling from the injustice of it all. I am worried for my children and saddened that the court has treated me like a criminal. I was told by the judge if I ever mention the abuse that was perpetrated against me by my abusive ex husband in his courtroom, he would put me in jail. I feel very abandoned and am sad that there seems to be no recourse for something like this. Honestly, I have learned over the years that no one really cares. No one believes these things can and do happen, or at least if they happen, they think that it is because you are leaving something out of the story and you did something wrong.
Barbara Roberts, June 16, 2016 — Dear Mom to Many — How awful! I will pray for you.
The injustice this court has delivered to you and your kids — it is an enormity.
The lying abuser who committed perjury and gets away with it, the corrupt psychologist, the cruel judge… no wonder you are heartbroken and reeling from it all.
I believe you. We believe you. If only the court believed you. But that court is wilfully blind.
I wish I could offer you more … but I can’t. It really is that bad.
On the Day of Judgement, all will be revealed, you will be vindicated, and the liars will be damned.
Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they may have the right to the tree of life and that they may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. (Revelation 22:14-15)
May the Lord come quickly!
Healinginhim, June 16, 2016 — Mom To Many — I can’t even imagine your pain. I needed to comment just to let you know that many on this blog do care and hear your pleas. Praying for you and the children and wishing there was more I personally could do. Praying for your discernment; that the Lord will reveal the truth and thwart the wicked enemies in your life.
Anon, June 16, 2016 — Praying for you, Mom to Many! My worst fear is what you are going through and I hurt for you and with you. I’ve had to share custody; can’t imagine losing my daughter to him. I know it can happen at any time. It’s the Father’s Rights groups…I cannot understand how something so evil can continue destroying good people’s lives. May God hold and comfort you and protect your children.
Woman of Shunem, June 17, 2016 — Quick prayer request. I need wisdom and discernment. Last year a judge ruled for 50-50 timeshare for our pubescent daughter (who has a condition whereby she can’t adequately understand behavioral norms). Her biological father has engaged in what I think is inappropriate behavior.
I’ve instructed her about appropriate touch, sex, modesty, propriety, etc. because it was his secret-keeping with her about her body that lead to a state investigation a year or so ago. However, the judge wasn’t interested in the state report and never read it (by the judge’s own admission in court). The judge merely asked if any legal line had been crossed. If not, no need to read the details of the report. So my ex- got 50-50 unsupervised timeshare of our child.
I sent her dad a polite email telling him how I feel and I received a rancid, smack-down reply about how I suffer from “paranoia” and other similar put-downs. He has zero interest in teaching her to care for herself. While I don’t necessarily think he’s after her sexually (though I don’t know he isn’t either), I think it’s more that in his eye she is but a tool to use to get under my skin. I don’t want to be overly troubled where not appropriate, but I struggle greatly with her being in his care, the courts not caring a whit about her condition and actual safety (due to the judge’s own bias as a single father), and feeling so unable to protect her. I thank God she’s been as protected as she has been to date, but I continue to be concerned.
Exhausted, June 19, 2016 — Please pray for me and my children. I’ve been in an emotional, mental, and financially abusive situation for 14 years. I’m at my wits end, mentally and physically exhausted. He was foreclosed on, now I’m the one facing eviction court. I have no way to provide for me or my children. He suggests that I get a lawyer, in which I can’t afford. Please pray that the Lord will help uh, Thank you.
TWBTC, June 19, 2016 — Hi Exhausted,
Yes, we will pray! I would like to suggest that you contact a local women’s shelter or domestic violence center. They often have knowledge of what services are in the area and other resources that you may find helpful. We find that the shelters and DV community centers are often times very helpful as they are trained and have knowledge and experience in these situations.
Also, you will notice that I changed your screen name and edited your comments of identifying information. We do this to keep the commenter’s identity anonymous as we have abusers and their allies stalking the blog. May I encourage you to read our New User’s Information page as it gives tips for being safe when commenting on the blog.
Healinginhim, June 19, 2016 — Exhausted – Praying for you. So often I have used the term “exhausted” to describe my reality. ((hugs))❤
Anon, June 19, 2016 — Just a quick reply to say I will pray for you as well…and see if your city has a pro-bono attorney that you can sign up for. It’s what I used. Although, be aware that they may not always sympathize with you or your situation. I’d also school yourself on the Father’s Rights people so you can be prepared for all that mess. God will lead you and hold you during this time, but get as much information as you can. Welfare, food stamps, subsidized housing, etc., whatever you can get.
Barbara Roberts, June 19, 2016 — Dear Exhausted, your prayer request is good.🙂 It reminds me of Psalm 119:81-88:
My soul longs for your salvation;
I hope in your word.
My eyes long for your promise;
I ask, “When will you comfort me?”
For I have become like a wineskin in the smoke,
yet I have not forgotten your statutes.
How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?
The insolent have dug pitfalls for me;
they do not live according to your law.
All your commandments are sure;
they persecute me with falsehood; help me!
They have almost made an end of me on earth,
but I have not forsaken your precepts.
In your steadfast love give me life,
that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth.
Exhausted, June 19, 2016 — Thank you so much for your prayers and responding. This means a lot, since I have no family. I have a sister and she’s going thru something similar. We don’t talk much. I will keep in touch and post how things are going. May our Father bless you all, in Christ.
Exhausted, June 20, 2016 — Thank you Barbara
Torn Asunder, June 24, 2016 — Please keep my family in your prayers. My family has literally been torn asunder and a woman who sat in church pews started it all – she practices/practiced many things that are not of God, and actively not only pursued my husband, but to abuse my younger two children and destroy my children and family. My younger two children are still in grave danger and their daddy is still lost.
Barbara Roberts, June 24, 2016 — Hi dear sister, I changed your screen name to ‘Torn Asunder’ to protect your identity.
I shall pray.
Welcome to the blog. We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
If you want us to change your screen name to something else, just email firstname.lastname@example.org
Freedomgirl, June 26, 2016 — Prayers appreciated, I will soon be having my first real face to face discussion with my ex concerning his treatment of my teen daughter. He is [giving her responsibilities that are not appropriate for her age — details redacted to protect commenter from being identified].
His anger toward me is being taken out on her and I intend to put a stop to it. Please pray for wisdom, a clear mind, words, and strength/courage to face him and make myself heard. I am my children’s advocate. Thank you.
Barbara Roberts, June 26, 2016 — Hi Freedomgirl, I pray it goes well. (I removed a lot of detail from your comment, for safety’s sake.)
Freedomgirl, June 26, 2016 — Thank you, Barbara. I covet the prayers and protection. This site and a precious few others are the only places I know I can be heard and understood. Thank you for what you all do here.
Healinginhim, June 26, 2016 — Freedomgirl — Prayers and ((hugs)) as you fight valiantly.❤
Freedomgirl, June 26, 2016— Thank you, Healinghim. I appreciate it so much!
Anon, June 27, 2016 — Praying for you all as well.
Barbara Roberts, June 27, 2016 — that’s so typical….
They stay stuck. We move on; we grow and mature.
Freedomgirl, June 27, 2016 — Thank you all for the prayers. I wasn’t heard at all, but I didn’t wilt and back down, either. Just proves even further to me that there is not one iota of change in him over the last couple years.
One Day, July 2, 2016 — I didn’t understand I was being abused. But I knew something was seriously not right. Through therapy I’m putting the pieces back together. We have continued to be abused through the court. He wanted it to go to trial and said so from the beginning. So for 2 years I’ve been fighting him. And that’s where we are. The kids and I are tired of the instability. And even when it’s over. It won’t be.
Barbara Roberts, July 2, 2016 — Dear “OneDay” — your comment is so poignant. I honour you for continuing to fight for justice and truth, or at least a reasonable approximation of that (knowing that the courts are most unlikely to believe all the truth and give you full justice).
Barbara Roberts, July 2, 2016 — And welcome to the blog “One day”🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
Not Really Scared Anymore!!, July 2, 2016 — Hey, just needing prayer. My dad was just diagnosed with acute leukemia and will probably choose to enter hospice which will give him about a month. Please pray for wisdom with juggling cats/kids/ flights across the country. Pray for his salvation. Pray for my mom and sibling who are basket cases because of this news. Pray that my ex will not get any wind of this and will not try to interpose himself in the situation in anyway. Pray for my kids, especially for my oldest who is feeling very lonely at college.
Show Me The Way, July 3, 2016 — My heart goes out to you. Just lost my mom to lung/brain cancer last year. It is so tough. Lifting you up in prayer as I type. May God wrap his comforting arms around your whole family!
Healinginhim, July 3, 2016 — Not really Scared anymore!! — Praying for your very delicate family situation. Extending ((hugs)).❤
Show Me The Way, July 3, 2016 — If you all could pray for me and my daughter. I have been trying for three or four years now to get a job so I could get away from my husband, but I can’t even get to the interview phase. I had no trouble getting interviews when I was younger before leaving my job to homeschool my daughter. If I could get an interview, I had the job.
I thought maybe I could file for separation and spousal support so I would then have the money to move out, but found out Thursday at a court workshop that I can’t file if my husband and I are still living at the same address (at least in the state where I live that is the new law). I have no job or money so I had to move back here. No one else would take me. So what to do.
All the shelters in my area told me I couldn’t be helped because I my daughter is older than 16. However, Friday I did get one shelter to tell me that they would take ME, but not my daughter and that she was probably too old for the safe haven program for teens. I’m not going anywhere without my daughter. She is one of my main reasons for leaving. In addition I was told that emotional abuse/controlling/manipulating did not meet their definition of violence or abuse.
I keep looking for guidance from the Lord, but none seems to be forth coming. The pastor we were meeting with suggested that maybe God wasn’t speaking to me because He has already said what needs to be said in His Word (context of women must reconcile and God Hates divorce, yada yada).
It just seems like God won’t let me leave. Every time I try to break away something happens to force me back here. So maybe I do need to repent and submit.
Barbara Roberts, July 3, 2016 —
“All the shelters in my area told me I couldn’t be helped because I my daughter is older than 16. However, Friday I did get one shelter to tell me that they would take ME, but not my daughter and that she was probably too old for the safe haven program for teens. I’m not going anywhere without my daughter. She is one of my main reasons for leaving. In addition I was told that emotional abuse/controlling/manipulating did not meet their definition of violence or abuse.”
That’s awful! I think those shelter policies are just plain wrong — unfair and unjust. I am guessing (hoping) that they have imposed those policies only because they are so underfunded that they can give shelter only to the most at-risk victims. Sigh!
The laws in your State are unfair to victims of domestic abuse. Where I live, the law AND the government welfare payments system allows a wife to be separated from her husband while still living under the same roof as her husband. She can obtain welfare payments as a separated wife, even though she’s still living under the same roof as him. She can also obtain a protection order against her husband while still living under the same roof as him. Your State’s laws need to be improved to give more support and justice to victims of domestic abuse.
I urge you not to interpret this state of affairs as “God won’t let you leave.”
I’m sure that God is not at all happy about how the shelter system is given so little funding and how the laws in your state are so unhelpful to victims of domestic abuse!
And I am absolutely sure you do not need to ‘repent and submit’.
Show Me The Way, July 10, 2016 Thanks Barbara for your kind reply.
You said “That’s awful! I think those shelter policies are just plain wrong — unfair and unjust. I am guessing (hoping) that they have imposed those policies only because they are so underfunded that they can give shelter only to the most at-risk victims. Sigh!”
I had not thought of that and I’m glad you pointed it out. It is probably true that they restrict because of overcrowding. One local shelter takes interviews and puts families on a waiting list that takes 6 month – a year before you can get into their program. It is the only one here locally and there is SO much need in this area. If I had thought to plan a year ago I would be out of here by now, but I didn’t have very good counsel when I fled that time. This time I will do it right, and be done with it once and for all.
Wondering, also, if we could move out of state and still qualify for help in another state.
Doing a lot of reading and praying. God says He will make a way, so I am waiting and looking for it.
Traddy, July 20, 2016 — Eds: In this comment, Traddy is talking about her own experience. Please do not take it as legal advice that applies across the board. The laws vary from place to place and we encourage readers to research their own situation and options and get legal advice pertinent to their own situation, especially if they have children.
I moved out of state into another state. But it was failure to thrive emotionally. [If you are going to do that] call first and get to know the hotline and resources for the state. [In my case I found that] for the purpose of taxes [it was better to] move prior to the six month mark in any given year to get help with earned income credit. If you have children find out the legalities first. I put my child in a school out of state, then moved to join her. If you can get a job transfer this is a good reason, try to have a good reason why you have to move out of state in case of court issues. Know your legal rights and what can and might happen. there is no way to circumnavigate anything without a lot of pain. I never had a support network, [I encourage others to] try to find one first. Visit the area. Get to know everything you can. Vacation there, maybe consider a place where you already have supportive friends or family this helps… [If you are financially stressed, it may help to] find a place with bussing, food stores, libraries, schools, etc in close proximity so you can live cheaply…be wary of the crime rate.
3blossommom, July 6, 2016 — I’m celebrating 6 months of freedom from my mentally abusive, repeatedly unfaithful husband (a former minister). In our state wives are given 70% of jointly held assets if there has been infidelity. There has been, but he is hiding it well and many in the community are hiding the fact for him. Some evidence is becoming clearer. There are a few conversations going on in the next day or so that will shed light on things. Please pray for truth to be made clear and what is hidden made plain. My husband is the most extraordinary liar I have ever met and is trying to hide assets and keep me from even the minimum financial provision granted by the state as well as hiding his long term mistress. I have three teens to take care of. Pray he won’t get custody or visitation. God has saved me from wanting to take my own life. I know he can also provide for my future and bring justice in this.
Healinginhim, July 7, 2016 — Praying for your many burdens, 3blossommom.
“Please pray for truth to be made clear and what is hidden made plain.” –YES!– THIS IS THE PRAYER that we cry out to our loving Lord and Savior.
Anon, July 6, 2016 — Praying for you! I always pray for Truth and Light because the enemy has no place in either! I hate how these liars keep winning in the world. Won’t they be surprised when they see what God really has for them at the end of this life? He also saved me from ending my own life. We are strong in Him. God bless you as you go through this battle with Jesus by your side.
Seeing The Light, July 6, 2016 — I am asking for prayer for some medical tests I have to have tomorrow. I am my kids’ only line of defense between them and their father so I get very unsettled when I think of anything happening to me while they are still minors. I have serious chronic health problems already. Would you please pray for me that the testing indicates nothing serious is wrong? God bless ACFJ, Jeff, Barb, and all the women out here.
Traddy, July 20, 2016 — [In my experience] the DV shelters are not always able to give the right helps, they are limited. [And in my experience] the courts are against the victims, women are not being properly represented now, and there are people who are using this as a platform to harm so its not always good to send people into the system. But what other choices do they have?
We have psychologists overusing diagnoses and dispensing meds too liberally, and there is a danger to the woman. We suffer PTSD and then are believed to not be able to raise the children… so they are lost…our churches turn against us, the whole crisis is a maddening insane no where to run no where to go nowhere to hide nowhere to feel safe nowhere to be safe.
Traddy, July 22, 2016 — We need to consider that if women (and abused men) in each state had a safe town or village where they could live and work in common (not leaving their state of origin unless absolutely necessary for sake of legalities) with counselors, therapists, advisers and good pastoral guidance, with community fellowship we might do a better job at healing and raising the wounded children ( including ourselves) If the men moved nearby their healthy or unhealthy interests in the children could be better monitored by multiples of concerned people. think community gardens, and health care centers, etc…little schools, all about the family, all about nurturing and growth and nipping the domestic evil in bud. We could pool resources, and might even screen the families if there are limited apartment or rental units and make certain they fit the need category. This would help the woman in court, how can they not respect a person with enough helps in place…? And if her pro family joins her, and they are also of good mind you get a well rounded community…all about healing, nurturance, guidance. Do I dare to dream such places?
Jeff Crippen, July 22, 2016, — Traddy – An excellent dream that in fact should already be a reality – it is called the church. Local churches could rather easily become such communities of resources and protection. IF they were true churches, truly knew Christ, and thus truly saw this evil and protected the victims.
Mom in Custody Battle, July 26, 2016 — Pray Request for a custody battle that I am fighting with a abusive husband that has my Child and a very messy divorce I am going though with him. I pray that will keep him from influence my child the way he did and that he stops filling my child’s head with lies about me.
Barbara Roberts, July 26, 2016 — Dear Mom in custody battle, I will pray.
Welcome to the blog. We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I changed your screen name to ‘Mom in custody battle’ as a precaution. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: email@example.com — she will be more than happy to assist.
If you comment here again, please try to ensure that the fields (little boxes) in the comments form do not give a name or a URL that could identify you. The blog is public and we wouldn’t want your abuser to be able to identify you as a commenter here. Especially while you are in the midst of a custody battle…
Seeing the Light, July 28, 2016 — I am praying for you, too, Mom in Custody Battle.
TryingToDecide, July 27, 2016 — Hello, I am trying to decide if I should continue in a job that is taking all my time and energy but would bring me a good paycheck….while my children stay home with abuser and they connect with him more and more..or continue to work a far less paying job and try to divorce even as I would earn so far less. Will you please pray for me?
Barbara Roberts, July 27, 2016 — Hi — welcome to the blog I shall pray as you requested.
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I changed your screen name to TryingToDecide as a precaution (you had used what looked like your real name). If you want us to change the screen name to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: firstname.lastname@example.org — she will be more than happy to assist.
Jenny, July 28, 2016 — For Barbara & ‘Lost’, I read ‘Lost’ plea. With my experience it is possible the father is sexually abusing the children since birth and has absolute control over them…
I experience this with a dad that tortured them as babies to instill absolute fear/control and as they grew and were grounded in his atrocities he gave them treats that mom didn’t allow. .. The children went from holding onto mom when she was going out the door and he was wanting them to stay with him while mom was gone… to (older) crying for him because he manipulated their relationships to be that of rivals to mom… as he wrenched mom’s identity from her (she was well educated…)
I pray ‘Lost’ takes her children with her, if at all possible… many tears for the children…
Anotheranon, July 31, 2016 — I have a difficult task ahead this week that will require a lot out of me physically and emotionally. And even as I plan for this, my husband is trying to sabotage it. Please pray that I will keep focused on the Lord and His will for me during this time. I get very distracted with so much going on in my life.
Thanks to all the prayer warriors on this site!
TWBTC, July 31, 2016 — Praying, Anotheranon!
Healinginhim, July 31, 2016 — Anotheranon — Praying for you. ((hugs))
Anotheranon, August 6, 2016 — My “event” went pretty well, considering that my nwh (never-was-husband) was there. He gave me a little bit of a hard time but I had several people with me supporting me. And I felt the presence of the Lord so much through this whole week. Thanks to all who prayed for me!
Barbara, Roberts, August 6, 2016 — Great to hear!
StrugglingMom, August 9, 2016 — Please pray for my teenage son. His dad (my ex) is a narcissistic abuser (I finally now have a name for what he is doing!). My 15 year old had a significant personality change, and became violent and aggressive to me recently. He moved in with his dad, and has deep, strong anger against me. His dad has been smearing me and hooking me for years. Now my son is channeling his dad. I also have a younger son, who loves Jesus.
My teenage son agreed to a psych eval today (if I pay for it). Please pray The Lord will use it to bring insight and Truth to what is going on. He and I used to be very close. He used to love Jesus. I don’t recognize him anymore. He won’t talk to me. We have an appt today, please pray!
Thanks, and God Bless,
TWBTC, August 9, 2016 — Hi StrugglingMom, Yes, praying for your situation!!!
Welcome to the blog. I edited your comment a bit to protect your identity. Also, I changed your screen name to StrugglingMom as a precaution. If you want me to change it to something else, just email me at email@example.com
It’s not a good idea to use your real name on this site unless you are safe. We also like to encourage new readers to read our New Users Info page as it gives tips for guarding your safety while commenting on the blog.
Barbara Roberts, August 9, 2016 — Hi StrugglingMom, it’s really tough when our kids start modelling themselves on the abuser. I feel for you. I hope the psych thing goes well, but don’t be all that surprised if if doesn’t. Many people who work in mental health are not trained to identify abusive tactics and the abuser’s mindset. Dr George Simon Jr is a psychologist we highly recommend. You may like to look up his blog (see hte link in our sidebar) and his books (see our resources tab) and also we have a tag for him (see the tags tab in the top menu).
I understand what you mean about your son ‘channeling’ his dad. I observed my daughter doing that for several years, while she was having visitation with her father. It was awful having her come back from visiting him… what would pour out of her mouth was all the exact same critisms of me that he used to say to me when we were still together. The only topic of conversation they had when she was with him was ‘how awful mummy is’. So no wonder she poured it all out at me when she came back.
And with your son living with his dad, not just visiting him, he will be absorbing even more of his dad’s toxic thinking and belief system. There may not be much you can do about this for the moment — though it’s worth trying. But if you find you can’t influence your son, don’t blame yourself. If your son is choosing to walk in the steps of his father, you don’t have power to change that. Maybe one day your son will wake up. I hope so. But my point is, don’t blame yourself if you can’t be the one who brings him to wake up at this point…
also, here are some posts that you may find helpful:
A child who was allied to the abuser but then came back to the non-abusive parent — a post by Cindy Burrell
When the kids blame the victim too
One Son’s Journey to Seeing the Truth about his Abusive Father
Male Privilege is the underlying driver of domestic abuse. — Ken Lay, former Police Commissioner
Teaching Children The Ten Commandments Of Character
Healinginhim, August 9, 2016 — StrugglingMom — I can relate to your situation. Mine involves extended family members whom my adult children choose to associate with. I didn’t realize I was living what some counselors would call “shock” or “the fog” because it was too painful to accept that all the children turned against me and believed the twisted stories of relatives.
ACFJ brought clarity and much needed affirmation. An example would be of Barbara’s recent reply to you. Her reply to you is also what I needed to hear again, “But my point is, don’t blame yourself if you can’t be the one who brings him to wake up at this point…” The links provided will be beneficial for me and others who are still grieving the loss of relationship with children affected by abuse.
StrugglingMom – Praying for you.
Ahn, August 10, 2016 — Prayer that justice will be done my husband is currently in jail for abuse towards another woman, he still has not fully repented to God only wants to get out of jail for his own freedom and not because of change, I love my husband and I pray that God will change his mind and heart in all areas he’s done a lot .. I pray God will work on him while he is forced to pay for what’s he’s done in Jesus name I ask amen.
Barbara Roberts, August 11, 2016 — Welcome to the blog🙂 I changed your screen name to ahn, as a precaution. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: firstname.lastname@example.org — she will be more than happy to assist.🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I hope you stick around and read more on this blog. There are many posts and resources here that you may find useful.
I think you will find it a supporting community.
Healinginhim, August 14, 2016 — Covet prayers. So tired of the lukewarm and sarcastic tone from visiting with adult children who favor ‘him’ … my heart is breaking and feeling great guilt because I don’t even desire to visit with them.😦
The man that I married continues to be content to live ‘here’ and enjoy the day-long visits with the adult children and grandchildren while I receive a couple of 2-3 hour visits. In some cases there is very little talk or they talk to each other and exclude me.
(sigh) … they are doing this because then they can at least tell others that they ‘visit with their mother’. Is this visiting?? What about sincere loving mother to child relationships?? They spend more time with his side of the family than with me. I don’t mind that; just don’t put on a public display of “visiting with mom”.
I’m also great pressure at a job to ‘get along’ with a co-worker who has made personal remarks concerning my life. Pray that I would have the wisdom and fortitude to glorify the Lord in these circumstances.
Ahn, August 14, 2016 — Prayers for you,its hard going through emotional abuse from our children,I been there my children have treated me as if I was not mom at all. … praying for healing in your relationship with your children in Jesus name we ask amen.
Barbara Roberts, August 14, 2016 —‘ feeling great guilt because I don’t even desire to visit with them.’
sounds like that ole false-guilt has got you by the throat again
I think your non-desire to visit with them is perfectly understandable. When someone treats us with disdain, we don’t desire to see the much if at all!
Healinginhim, August 15, 2016 —Thank you for praying. I’ll be praying for you, too. Only the Lord knows the intentions of the heart. My concern is that I don’t become an enabler to the abuse?
Barbara — Thank you for confirming the fact of not desiring to see those who treat us with disdain. There is so much pressure from ‘well-meaning’ folk who keep reminding me of unconditional love, however their description of this love never seems to imply that they get involved and support me in getting through the trials that face me.
Thankful to have ACFJ and a few other ‘friends’ I can turn to for prayer and support.
Ahn — Thank you for praying. I’ll be praying for you, too. Only the Lord knows the intentions of the heart. My concern is that I don’t become an enabler to the abuse?
Hurting&Scared, September 7, 2016 — I don’t know what to do. I am so miserable and tired.
Let me explain my situation. I got pregnant outside of wedlock to a very mean, controlling, unsaved man. I decided that for my child I needed to not be around him so I left and moved out of state to get right with God and give my son a good life and a chance to be raised in church. I never missed a service and was involved in any ministry I could and was the happiest I have been in my life. My son was thriving as well.
There was a gentleman about my age in the church that I noticed and eventually we began to date. 6 months later we married. Now when we were dating and engaged I noticed some warning signs but ignored them. [details redacted…].
About a week after the honeymoon things started going down hill quickly. I had a family trip planned long before I met him and he was extremely upset when I went on this trip. He told me he hated me he wanted a divorce. He thinks I want to sleep with [a man from my extended family ] whom I have known for many years and have no interest in as anything other than a relative and I’m disgusted he thinks that. He always thinks I’m cheating. He criticizes everything I do. He is lazy and selfish and helps with nothing at all. He takes all financial problems out on me even though I am super careful with money. He tells me I am stupid in front of my son. He curses like a sailor in front of the kids and even to the kids. He says f””” you to me all the time when he is mad.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to get my son out NOW. But I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me. I need help and I’m scared. I know my church and even some of my family will not approve of me leaving. (he has been divorced twice already)
Barbara Roberts, September 11, 2016 — Dear Hurting&Scared, I am so sorry you are going through this. The man you are married to is definitely an abuser. You would be wise to leave him as he is likely to only get more dangerous and mean as time goes on. He has a track record — previous divorces— and he’s shown more than enough of his true colours to indicate that he is a classic abuser.
We don’t make a practice of ‘telling people what to do’ as each situation is different, and the risks of leaving can sometimes seem as high as the risks of staying. But we do encourage you to seek support from a women’s centre or womens’ shelter… they can help you with safety planning and give you information which may you decide what you want to do.
We have lots of resources on this site. I’d recommend you go to our Resources tab at the top of the blog and look as the sections there on Safety Planning, Hotlines, and Legal Issues.
We also recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That (you can find it on the books section of our Resources). And if you can’t afford to buy it, we have a gift books offer — see here.
Yes it’s true that many in the church will judge you if you leave or divorce this man. But we won’t! We will understand, we will support you. We believe that the Bible allows divorce for domestic abuse.
I also suggest you read these articles
What is domestic abuse?
What is Coercive Control?
and the pdf Honouring Resistance: How women resist abuse in intimate relationships.
Barbara Roberts, September 11, 2016 — Also, I removed a few details from your comment to protect you from being identified.
We encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I changed your screen name to ‘Hurting&Scared’ as a precaution. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: email@example.com — she will be more than happy to assist.🙂
Hurting&Scared, September 13, 2016 — Do you think for my son’s sake it is better to leave? Knowing he loves that man but also watches that man call his mom stupid and throw things right in front of him? It isn’t his real dad even though he loves him and I am afraid he will grow up treating women the same way. He also is mean to his bio child about dumb stuff. He will yell at that child for [really petty things, and in a very cruel way]. I can not stand the thought that soon he will be doing that to my son. He will sit there and watch his “dad” yell at his “sibling” with the saddest look on his face.
Barbara Roberts, September 13, 2016 — Hi Hurting@Scared, we know that abusive men often go to great lengths to win the kids’ loyalty and get the kids to despise their mother. Even though your son thinks he loves this man, he also fears and is repelled by his behavior. You can see this, even though your son is too young to comprehend it for himself. You are the adult. You have the responsiblity of making what you believe are the best choices for your son’s future. Sometimes good parents know better than their kids and such parents have to override the child’s wishes for the child’s longterm good.
I always encourage victims to make their own decisions. Here is an article from The Cedar Network which I think you will find helpful in making this decision:
And here is another article from a Family Violence support service:
And here are some posts from our blog:
Snatched from the fire
How Do I Tell My Children We are Leaving Daddy?
The Dog and the Rabbit: Helping children understand domestic abuse
Teaching Children The Ten Commandments Of Character
Defiant Boys: one mother’s story of the problems of parenting after domestic abuse
Barbara Roberts, September 13, 2016 — and by the way — ((((((hugs))))))
Hurting&Scared, September 14, 2016 — I am scared. Last night things came to a head […] I feel so scared he is alienating me from friends and family. I don’t know what to do. My pastor made it pretty clear I can’t leave.
Barbara Roberts, September 14, 2016 — You CAN leave, Hurting&Scared. Your pastor is just plain wrong. The Bible DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse. See this post —
Yes, your husband is intentionally alienating you from your family members and lying to the pastor. You cannot trust any of those people to help you.
I encourage you to be brave, to stop hoping for any support from those people, and to make your own decisions for your safety and wellbeing.
I urge you to get support from your local women’s centre and / or women’s shelter. You can find them by ringing the DV hotline in your country. We have a list of the hotlines here.
Hurting&Scared, September 20, 2016 — Last night i caught my step daughter slapping my sons hand repeatedly as hard as she could because he “scratched” her. He has never intentionally scratched anyone. I suspected she has been hitting him or “spanking” him. He is a 1 and she is 8! She is becoming increasingly mean to him as is her dad. She is learning by example. I WANT OUT! pray for me to have strength to make that move.
Barbara Roberts, September 20, 2016 — I shall pray
Healinginhim, September 15, 2016 — Hurting&Scared — praying for you as you receive wonderful support and resources from ACFJ. So sad that many of us can not be supported by ‘the church’. You are not alone and many are praying for you.
Hurting&Scared, September 21, 2016 — Please pray for my son. I am trying to make this marriage work but I believe it has taken a toll on him. He is almost 2 and is having trouble sleeping at night all the sudden. He is exhausted but just wants me to hold him. I don’t know what to do.
Jeff Crippen, September 21, 2016 — Praying for you. And your son.
Hurting&Scared, September 23, 2016 — When I am on here I have the strength and will to leave but then I go back to my life and I’m to scared and tired to leave.
Shari, September 23, 2016 — Hurting and Scared: I wish we could all band together as one big family. I left 2 years ago without my 2 children because I had no money and no job. I cry everyday. Put a plan together!!
Barbara Roberts, September 23, 2016. Hurting&Scared, I understand. Fear and exhaustion are two BIGGIES.
I encourage you to pat yourself of the back for what you are managing to do. Here are some things I’ve noticed. You’ve found our blog. You keep coming back and reading it. You keep commenting on it, reaching out, expressing, venting, just being yourself on here, whatever that may mean at the time. You are finding bits of truth and light here, and those bits of truth and light are slowly helping you think through the fog. You may not be able to take active steps beyond that yet, but don’t discount the gentle reformation that is going on in your mind. That reformation is part of the process of leaving. Very few of us left the moment the light first dawned. Many of us took a lot of time to bit by bit come out of the fog, gain confidence, start to think about how to plan towards leaving…
And also, look at all the positives: you are not suiciding; you are looking after your kids the best you can; you are exercising prudent and creative resistance to the abuse to try to maintain your dignity and safety the best way you can under such AWFUL circumstances.
Even if you are only ‘treading water’ that is an giant achievement– it means you are not going further down into the black hole that the abuser wants to push you into.🙂
Hurting&Scared, October 6, 2016 — I thought it was getting better. I was trying to just be the Biblical wife I should and see what happens. It worked for a while but its getting bad again. I am questioned every day whether I have talked to my family that day about us. Truthfully I have some days but I cant tell him that. His family is being rude to me because they only know his side and think I’m the one who is being wrong. I want out. I don’t love him and it isn’t healthy. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to leave yet. Everyone thinks things are better but they are not.
Barbara Roberts, October 6, 2016 — Hurting&Scared,
I encourage you to disregard what ‘everyone else thinks’ and just do what is right for you. You might want to look at our Safety Planning and Risk Assessment resources.
And here is a post by one of our readers that describes what she did to effect separation from her husband. Her cirumstances won’t be exactly the same as yours, but her story may give you ideas and encouragement.
My abuser’s evil plan was to give me the “scorched earth policy”. But with planning, strategy and God’s help, I outsmarted him.
And this post might be useful too at some point: Questions to Ask Before Retaining a Lawyer if you are a Victim of Domestic Abuse
Keeningforthedawn, September 14, 2016 — Please pray for family members who recently left a church where the “pastor” was abusing his wife. (Thankfully, the wife has escaped.) The “pastor” is still in the pulpit, but there is now an investigation going on within the denomination. My family members have been called on to testify. As it stands, they have been harassed and even occasionally stalked by people close to the “pastor”, and it appears some of the “higher ups” within the denomination have been covering up evidence. Thank you for standing with me in prayer.
Healinginhim, September 15, 2016 — keeningforthedawn — praying for your family.
Seeing The Light, September 20, 2016 — Please pray for my health. I am so very disabled physically and the situation here is just crushing me. I don’t know how to hold up under the degradation and financial abuse. I am so alone I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like I will go crazy. I created my screen name so long ago when there was a little light. It doesn’t really describe me anymore. Please pray for me and my kids. I don’t even know what to ask for anymore.
Healinginhim, September 20, 2016 — Dear Seeing the Light — every life-story is unique. I can’t imagine your pain; I’ve had my own days of feeling utterly abandoned, and yes, that feeling of not even knowing of what to ask for in a way of a prayer.
May you sense the love and concern that Jesus Christ has for you. How He loves you to have led you to this ministry for support.
You are heard and many will be praying for you. I know this only because they have been so faithful to me and others. And even though my crazy-making days are not over; I know that I can always come ‘here’, like you, and ask for prayer and encouragement.
Praying for your health, physically and emotionally. ((hugs))❤
Barbara Roberts, September 20, 2016 — I shall pray. I’m very busy painting an apartment at the moment so can’t write much more.
Seeing The Light, September 21, 2016 — Thank you so much, Healinginhim. Thank you for your comments and encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. I am so sorry your crazy-making days are not over yet. God bless you.
Thank you, too, Barbara. I appreciate it.
Debbie, September 23, 2016 — Please pray for me. I have been away from my abuser for nearly two and a half years. I am so love starved I don’t know how to go on this way. I never had a father in my life (he left my mother while pregnant for me and never came around or reached out to me in any way) and my more than three decades long marriage was void of kindness, let alone love. He ignored me and my pleas for affection, and punished me regularly with silent treatment. I have tried dating but have mostly been found wanting by dishonorable men, which has led to repeated rejections.
I cry out to God, as I have for my whole adult life, but nothing changes. I am in despair. I have suffered many losses, including my mother when I was a young adult and pregnant for my first child, a baby in the womb the following year and other close loved ones over the years. I still kept my faith and encouraged others to do the same because His ways are higher than ours. Now He just seems cruel to me as my heart is so broken it physically hurts. I need a miracle.
Thank you for this ministry.
Healinginhim, September 23, 2016 — Debbie,
My words will seem so empty considering your despair. You have faced so much rejection and heartache. It is perfectly understandable that you are so broken.
You haven’t mentioned having any friends or if you have any perhaps they are like ‘some’ of mine who feel helpless as to know how to help or comfort me.
I wish I could physically be there to comfort you with a listening ear and arms to embrace you with Christ’s love.
You have come to the right place to bare your burden. Many understand you and will not reject your pleas for prayer.
You are a strong woman to face such adversity and yet encourage others as you know God’s ways are higher.
I’m praying for you and know others will be praying, too. ((hugs))❤
ps: I was unable to sleep. I arose turned on the computer and your prayer request appeared. God is faithful.
Barbara Roberts, September 23, 2016 — Praying now
Shhshh, October 1, 2016 — Please pay for my son and me . I will be saying my prayers for all. Thank you.
TWBTC, October 1, 2016 — Shhshh, Praying for you and your son!
And Welcome to the blog!
If you haven’t already, we encourage commenters to read our New User’s Information page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.
Ahn, October 23, 2016 — Prayer for me im recently married my husband has done nothing but cheat I’ve forgiven him time and time again,he’s now incarcerated and continues to engage with other women while he’s in there,he wants to come home when he’s released I pray God sends him to a program that will help him to grow,he wants to get out but as his wife I Know getting out will lead him down the path he continues,I pray the judge sends him to a program where it’s mandated that he works and get his life together in Jesus name I pray amen
Healinginhim, October 23, 2016 — Ahn, How difficult these days must be for you. I will pray for your protection in that you will be able to have discernment. Praying your husband will repent and change. Only God knows what will break his stubborn will and maybe a judge ordered program will be the first step. ((hugs))
Anotheranon, October 27, 2016 — I am feeling overwhelmed again with upcoming divorce property mediation. I have always had to do all the paperwork for our family business and it always causes huge stress and anxiety for me. I just want it all to go away but I know I have to face it.
Please pray for God to give me strength and clarity of mind as I go forward. I have a few people who will help but I often forget about asking them for help because of the stress. At times I feel paralyzed at the thought of getting things done.
Thank you prayer warriors!
Anonymous, November 1, 2016 — I would like to request that prayers are said for me. I am continually going up against predatory, stalking, harassing, criminals and simply mean, spiteful, deceitful people. I wish I could have died by now. I figured if I ever outed my original abuser for being the monster predator he was and is, my life would be all the more over. I didnt think everyone else would join in on it and rally for him. Add in some dirty attorneys, corrupt court officials, deviant others and life no longer resembles anything doable. I am so tired. Whatever I do or say gets thrown back in my face by these horrible people. Just to mock me, frazzle me, and grind me ever more into nothingness.
I am afraid that sooner or later they’ll succeed in pushing me into suicide and I believe that for me (in regards to me alone) if I am successfully induced into taking my own life, I will be effectively damning myself to hell for all eternity. (Again, I cannot say anything about anyone else, so I especially do not wish to upset others who may be survivors of a loved one’s suicide, just saying it is my personal belief concerning my own self.) Just please pray for strength, some sort of feelings of self-worth, kindness from others instead of continued suffering, spite, bullying, and more.
I feel like the intended goal or objective is either to drive me entirely insane to the point of needing to be committed for life to a mental hospital or induce me into committing suicide. I am a wreck after a decade of dealing with monsters. It’ll never stop, either. I am already homeless, penniless, disabled, and pretty much on my own, without friends, support, etc. Even the dv agencies sided with him with the advocates treating me horribly and being so smug about it all. Church members even sided with him. I feel like maybe I am evil. Like I am the monster. Yet I did nothing to them. Just please pray for me, my soul, my mind, and so forth. I wish I could have died long, long ago. Thank-you. God bless!
Barbara Roberts, November 2, 2016 — I will pray for what you asked for.
Even the DV advocates treated you horribly — I wonder where they got their training? Are they in the USA?
welcome to the blog. You might like to look at our New Users Info page.
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — Thank-you. God Bless You! Yeah, the DV advocates are well trained but when the local attorneys and judges do you dirty and you call them out on their criminality and predation, then the DV agencies take their side and pump you for info all under the guise of ‘helping you’ in order to help cover up for the local corrupt court officials, dirty attorneys, and so forth. Politics. Money talks. Nothing is real anymore. I like the Bible verse you cited. I try and remind myself of that a lot. This world and life are temporary. God sees all. He shall be my Avenger. Many blessings to you!
Hurting&Scared, November 2, 2016 — I am praying for you. And i just want to say i feel your pain with the suicide. I would be to scared to kill myself but I feel if it wasnt for my son there would be no reason to be here anymore. I feel like a failure. People dont understand your situation and you are not to blame or the monster here. You are the victim. I pray that you will find someone to help you. In the mean time remember God is with us always. He loves you so much.
Barbara Roberts, November 2, 2016 — Do these passages help at all?
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
The eternal God is your dwelling place
and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deut 33:27a)
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — Just tried again to reach out and get some sort of help but agencies, be it government or homeless shelters or whatever make a point of using my hopefulness and desperation as yet another opportunity to abuse me. Snark. Smugness. Tripping someone up. It’s horrible. I try to think that God is with me and perhaps this time it will be different but thanks to gangstalking, cyberbullying, etc. one never escapes this whole ordeal. So now the courts have axed me all over again. Lazarus went to heaven and the rich man who ate sumptuously every day ended up in hell. I go begging for crumbs of decency and I am met with more snickering, harassment, and so forth. I dont know how anyone can be so spiteful as to find someone’s very apparent suffering and being continually bullied, stalked, harassed, mistreated, etc., to be a joyful sight. Abusers have the best PR campaigns. Little wonder why people take up drinking. Too much pain. Too much cruelty. Too much wickedness. Too many criminals. And too much abuse of power/authority. Please pray that things take a turn for the better for me.
Barbara Roberts, November 3, 2016 — I will pray.
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — I’m so glad you found this site. I so wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you that I understand how you’re feeling! I too, dealt with an evil husband. I too dealt with a “church” that knew about the abuse, affairs etc and chose to side with him (some giant “tithe” amounts from him may have helped.) I too dealt with “professionals” who didn’t see it and accused ME of being the problem at every turn. the evil husband often told me that I should commit suicide, that “everyone would be better off without you” and he often told me how he thought I should do so. I felt for years that the only way to escape would be by death, but the fear of what my children would endure without me there to protect them from him, is what kept me from taking my life.
I don’t want to bog this comment down with too much detail of what I survived. I want to share what helped me and I think may be your situation as well. I am so thankful that there was a court ordered mental health assessment that my ex’s lawyer insisted on and was granted (evil ex was trying to get ME diagnosed as mentally ill so it would “prove” that he wasn’t abusive)
Turned out, there are no concerns with me but he is a narcissistic sociopath (NPD and ASPD) Thankfully the psychologist that I was seeing, told me to look up gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse has elements of all types of abuse but is so much harder to describe. My psychologist told me that the rate of suicide among victims of narcissistic abuse is in the 90’s (can’t remember the exact number now)
I was able to find online support groups that understand the particular sadistic evil of a narcissitic abuser. As soon as I had his diagnosis, it was like the outside edge of a 10,000 piece puzzle finally fell into place. the decades of feeling like I was married to satan who suddenly “transformed” into an angel as soon as anyone else was around, started to make sense. The instant Jekyll / Hyde transformations, the rages that could turn off or on like a light switch (and at the slightest “issue”) all those situations suddenly made sense when I started to understand the narcissist. It is the most extreme psychological abuse. I call it emotional carbon monoxide – you can’t smell it, you can’t see it, you can’t describe it (until you understand it) but it will make you very ill.
PLEASE in your research, remember this one detail that my psychologist warned me about. there are many myths out there that the narcissist is that way because they secretly feel “vulnerable” or “insecure” or other versions of that. This has been proven FALSE and the LAST thing that a survivor needs is to be told that the narcissist is actually hurting inside. That can really hurt your healing process.
In fact the narcissist truly believes that they ARE superior in every way, that they have a right to treat you however they want, and they feed off of your hurt, your emotions etc (narcissistic supply) The narcissist also recruits what are referred to as “flying monkeys’ – people who side with him and start abusing you as well.
I know that you CAN heal from this, I am living proof, I am only a few years out of my situation and I delight at every breath I take. I daily find myself practically giddy with happiness (perhaps living that way for so long has made me so much more appreciative of NOT living like that now!)
I now feel like God has given me the passion and ministry to share my story and shine a light for other victims of narcissistic abuse and help them move from victim to survivor to thriving!
I will be praying for you.
Barbara Roberts, November 4, 2016 — Hi Anonymous🙂
we’ve been having a bit of discussion about the term ‘narcissist’ on another thread. You might like to read it. If so, click here.
And I removed that recommendation of another site you gave — we don’t have time to check it out.
Here is our policy about links in comments, in case you are interested.
Anon, November 5, 2016 — Yes, he is a monster and psychopath, through and through. A true predator. He has no fear, anxiety, insecurity, etc. And yes, he and the dirty attorneys went the route of saying, ‘she’s not traumatized and suffering understandable psychiatric INJURIES that he sadistically inflicted on her,’ but rather their collective attempts at engineering ‘proof’ of my being mentally ill. And I am not saying anything against mental illnesses or that there should be any stigma there, but rather talking about such as a discrediting tactic, etc.
He tried and tried to goad me into committing suicide. He would consistently make demands of such and shamed me for not dying already.
Thanks for your posting and sharing your info. Thanks for your prayers as well. God Bless You!🙂
Hurting&Scared, November 7, 2016 — I found this extremely helpful and plan to do my own research on this. Thank you! This site is such a blessing!
Anonymous, November 14, 2016 — Thanks for writing what you did. Indeed, flying monkeys, brigades of them, as well as so many others. I know that all we have to do is live and die, but living on the fringe of society, incredibly marginalized, along with no longer having any illusions of safety, security, etc. is rather difficult especially when everyone is convinced you are the bad guy and smugly, sadistically mistreating you, feeling righteous and oh-so-justified in doing all such wrongdoing.
Reading on psychopaths puts my mind at ease. So many others cannot, and/or willfully refuse to, grasp the reality that there are monsters running around, as free as can be. Too many predators. Never imagined such a miserable, horrible, horrendous life existence for myself. But then again, nobody ever does.
Please continue to remember me in your prayers. Thank-you.
Hurting&Scared, November 2, 2016 — I am really struggling. I dont know how to get out. I feel myself shutting down. I am a failure at life. From single mom to abuse victim. I am a disaster. If i stay married at least i appear to be doing well but internally i am so miserable. I just want to leave for myself and my sons sake but then people say i shouldn’t leave because of my son. please pray.
Barbara Roberts, November 2, 2016 — Praying. I encourage you to push all those thoughts of ‘what other people will think of you’ out of your head. And each time you reject one of those thoughts, it might help you to remind yourself that people who stigmatize divorced women and single mums are clueless about domestic abuse situations. And it may also help to remind yourself that we at this blog encourage you to wear the D letter (divorce) with pride: because it is proof of how much you resisted abuse and refused to let the abuser suck you empty for the rest of your life.
it may also help to re-read Honouring Resistance and What Is Coercive Control?
and don’t blame yourself for feeling the way you feel. MANY of us have felt that way, especially at the stage you are at. The abuse wears us down so much that we become almost unable to take steps towards safety. If you feel unable to swim forward yet, I encourage you to at least pat yourself on the back for how you are treading water.🙂
Anonymous November 3, 2016 — Yes! Rock that D letter (divorce) like no other!🙂 (If that is what you decide to do.)
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — Thanks, Hurting&Scared. God Bless You! I’m glad you have your son. I’m sorry you feel like a failure, although I am right there with you. God is indeed with us always. Indeed, God does love me. Thanks for the reminder. May you have a blessed day and thank you for your prayers and response. Your son has a mother who cares about him and loves God, I’d say that’s quite wonderful.
Confused, November 3, 2016 — I am very confused over my feeling for my husband. We are still living with him but I know that we will be leaving soon. Unfortunately, we have signed a lease on a house that legally binds me to him [awhile]. Anyway we have been together for [many years] (pathetic right). But anyway he [has a medical condition] and a phycologist friend warned me years ago he had a death wish and would likely eventually commit suicide. Which he has threatened many times (He is a master manipulator).
Well now we are dealing with another [medical issue] He was told to take care of it and now has been taken off of work for another 10 days. [It could become very serious] It seems to me as if he thinks he is above all disease and becomes angry when I remind him to take his medicine, eat healthy, etc… It has recently come to light that he is having an affair, and [has other sexual addicts and problems]. He will go to doctors for that issue and spend thousands of dollars on toys, herbal supplements,and medication.
I feel like I should have compassion for his pain and empathy for what he is going through, but all I feel is anger and disgust. His being off of work puts our living situation in jeopardy and I do not make enough money to cover all of the bills. He seems unmoved by the direness of the situation.
Confused with children
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — Anger and disgust are good. Does he have compassion and empathy for what he is putting you through? Of course not. Please protect yourself. Prayers for his healing so as to benefit you.
Barbara Roberts, November 3, 2016 — Hi and welcome to the blog🙂
We changed your screen name to Confused, as a precaution. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: firstname.lastname@example.org — she will be more than happy to assist.🙂
We also edited your comment to disidentify it.
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
You are not pathetic for having stayed with this man for years. Most of us have stayed with abusers for years before we even realised we were being abused. And then we often stayed years more before deciding to leave. And some of us have left and then gone back and then left again. We understand the confusion you are feeling. And we don’t blame you. It is not your fault. It is your husband who has been mistreating and neglecting you in multiple ways.
I encourage you to follow the blog.
And I suggest you read these links as I think you will find them helpful:
What is coercive control?
Barbara Roberts, November 3, 2016 — This may help you too:
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — When my pastors clearly sided with my abuser and his allies, I just about died. I couldnt believe it. I think it takes a gunshot wound, a stabbing, or a dead body to get someone to take the victim’s side. And even then it is usually explained away as the abuser having a momentary lapse of control because of something the abused did. I dont know how or why everybody takes up with the abuser but my goodness it is a miserable, horrible, haunting existence to be a victim. As if we all didnt do our absolute best to get the abuse to somehow stop! Leaving doesnt even stop it. Forever hated. Forever despised. Forever done in by any number of individuals. I’m so tired of being up against the world.
Hurting, November 7, 2016 — I feel the same! It is like they need to see some incredible physical evidence to even turn the head to look at you! And even then they try to explain it away:(
Anon, November 8, 2016 — And even then, it is somehow made into your fault. I am so tired of being up against the world. It’s exhausting, so painful, and triggering. I did my best to always spare everyone. To protect. To do damage control. To think of others first and foremost. Got really good at hiding it. Pretending it away. Writing off my own pain, suffering, violation, etc. so as to not worry anyone. Revolting how people rush to support the predators while scorn, derision, and disdain is dished out to the abused and victimized. The monsters don’t become monsters in a vacuum. Others knew. They knew you were but bait. About to be devoured. That you dare to live, resist, fail to die, cease being silent? You are the evil, abusive, vindictive, “bitter” one….
So telling. So hurtful. So overwhelmingly painful. As if I wouldn’t do anything to have not had a monster and predator for a husband…. You’re hated no matter what. It crushes one’s soul. It never stops either. Gang/group stalking, harassment, etc. Just keeps on growing.
Barbara Roberts, November 8, 2016 — Hi anon welcome to the blog! … and (hugs)
If you haven’t been here before, I encourage you to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
Anonymous, November 3, 2016 — A prayer request for discernment. Too many abuser allies. Duping delight. It is too much. I am crushed and reeling. It never ends and one of the abusers told me that indeed it never would either. A perpetually abused existence. All these ‘contrived conversations’ and people illegally recording me and gloating over having gotten me to risk trusting them only to be laughed at for being so stupid as to be hopeful someone might not prey upon me further. Multiple people setting up any number of scenarios to further harm me. It is too much.
Hurting&Scared, November 8, 2016 — I have attempted to leave several times and always am rounded up like a prisoner and brought back “home”. Last night was the most recent time. I feel so defeated. I am ready to give up. He will be nice for a week or so and i will think maybe things can get better then he will go right back to his abuse. Please pray. I need help.
Anon, November 8, 2016 — Hi Hurting&Scared. Said a prayer for you.🙂 It takes courage to simply leave at all. The attempt is noble in and of itself.🙂 The attempt says you know you are worthy of better. That’s a big deal as abusers don’t even wish for you to have the time or freedom or well-being to think straight and find out that what they are doing to you is criminal, etc. The stats say leaving/escaping is a process and it takes an average of 7 times. Even if it takes 277 times, so be it. I’ll celebrate each and every one of the attempts. Sending prayers and kind, loving thoughts your way.
Barbara Roberts, November 8, 2016 — I shall keep praying, H&S. Have you ever sought support from a women’s shelter? They may be able to house you in a safe place for the short/medium term so that your abuser can’t “round you up and bring you back home”. Click here for the page of our Resources that has links to such services.
Hurting&Scared, November 10, 2016 — My fear of bringing the law or even shelters into this is that he will retaliate by trying to have my son taken away. He has a child that he will probably lose custody of if his abuse comes to light and he and his family are brutal people who have already threatened to have him taken away if i called the cops or cost him custody.
Barbara Roberts, November 10, 2016 — It sounds to me like getting advice from a lawyer and from a women’s centre/shelter would be a good idea. Many male abusers threaten to get the kids taken away from the mother if the mother attempts to leave, but those threats may not always be carried out.
Feeling Defeated, November 8, 2016 —A prayer request for me in regards to making a life somehow with nothing and no ability to escape. The hatred is overwhelming. The abuser and his allies. Haunted. Hounded. And scared. Stalked and harassed and victimized wherever I go. Too many people in powerful positions seek my continued demise for I called out their foul. It is also apparently a sport for them. Too many wish to see me commit suicide. If people induce another person’s suicide, they ought to be held responsible for the murder. If they continually hound, torment, and victimize someone while encouraging them to die already, then you know they’ll high 5 each other and celebrate your induced suicide. Satan prowls about seeking to devour. So do these abusers and allies. I think its murder if you don’t stop tormenting someone until you have essentially hen-pecked them to death. The person may have pulled the trigger but you, the abuser, bought the gun, loaded it, put it in their hand, held their hand up to their head, and squeezed their finger, which you taped to the trigger.
No worries, wont be kicking the bucket on you all, but that’s my reality. Pain, suffering, and a bullied, stalked, harassed, and victimized existence. Also, when the cops, courts, etc. are for the abuser and his crew, you are truly alone in your battle.
Pray things come out in the end. That things start turning around very, very soon as I don’t know that I can take any more loss, pain, etc. Thanks! Love the site and the topics.
Healinginhim, November 9, 2016 — Feeling Defeated — Stand strong. You have seen the scheme to destroy you.
That aloneness feeling can be unbearable. PRAYING for you. ((hugs))❤
Feeling Defeated, Thanks, Healing in Him. Being alone when surrounded by enemies is the worst. It is lovely to have this site and others’ prayers.
Barbara Roberts, November 9, 2016, —I’m glad you find the site helpful, dear sister.
I’m praying for you and the situation. And i’m glad you don’t intend to actually take your own life. And I understand the anger you feel.
I’m not sure whether it will help you at all, right now, but 1 Kings 19 talks about how Elijah felt suicidal.
Feeling Defeated, November 9, 2016 — Thanks. I know that story, yet I didnt remember who it was or where in the Bible it was located. Yes, I thought of that at times, that God grew a plant for him to provide shade for him. Isn’t that lovely?
Love this site. I absolutely love it. Especially given the abuser and his allies use religion against the victim, just the same as everything else.
People think that evil predators are far and few in between and that monsters don’t roam freely, but I know different. Someone saying a prayer for you is the best thing around. Thank you for that.
Concerned Mother, November 9, 2016 — I understand. Praying for you all for freedom and peace.
Seeing the Light, November 9, 2016 — I have prayed for you, Feeling Defeated. I understand.
Feeling Defeated, November 9, 2016 — Thanks, Seeing the Light and Concerned Mother for your prayers. It’s really helpful to have this connection. God Bless You Both!
Seeing the Light, November 10, 2016 — 🙂
No Name, November 11, 2016 — Requesting prayers… A David and Goliath setup going on in my life. Never-ending. The abuser is one element. The abuser’s allies and his fellow abusers are another. Then there are those with corrupt, invested interests in seeing you destroyed, along with the naive, the willfully ignorant, the victim-blamers, and others, and you have a lot of people who are against you.. An army of Goliaths. Goliath and his buddies, supporters, allies, etc. Taking pride in victimizing you, harming you, abusing you. The devil is alive and well. The verses about the wicked and how they lie in wait, seeking to entrap and ensnare….. it’s too much. Especially when battered women’s shelters helped your abusers further victimize you.
Someday, all will be known, all will be revealed, and what was hidden will be brought to light. Too many Goliaths. Too much corruption, deceit, trickery etc. Too many traps being set, ruses, etc. I can’t keep up with it all. A sheep. Among wolves. A sheep being otherwise led to slaughter. Prayers will be so greatly appreciated.
Barbara Roberts, November 11, 2016 — Hi no name. I am praying for you right now.
If you haven’t commented on our blog before, welcome🙂
It looks like you have a good understanding of safety issues, but you might like to read our New Users info page as it may explain things about how the blog works that you didn’t know.
Seeing The Light, November 14, 2016 — I could use prayer for an ongoing situation regarding my son’s college financial aid application process. My husband is financially controlling and abusive. It’s a complicated issue at this point, but we have to keep making corrections and now I am so anxious about getting in trouble with the law lest someone think in the middle of this mess I was trying to do something wrong, which I absolutely am not. I easily obsess about these kinds of things, but there are so many issues and I just don’t know what to do at this point.
Anonymous, November 15, 2016 — I said a prayer for you. Financial abuse is pretty much a given in any DV/DA situation. Sorry you have to deal with such. Wishing you the very best and some reassurance as well.
Seeing The Light, November 19, 2016 — Thank you for your prayers, Anonymous. I believe God answered, and I even have a little peace about it now.
Anonymous, November 15, 2016 — Requesting prayers be said for me. I am so overwhelmed by the ongoing criminal violations in my life. A pretty endless stream of abuser allies. Corruption abounds. When a person cannot trust law enforcement, government agencies, the courts, or anyone really to do much other than harass, harm, further hurt, humiliate or bully you, it is a very lonely feeling…. one that is full of vulnerability.
But God tells us to not fear man who can only kill the body but rather fear Him as He has the power to cast one into hell……… Still, I am scared, despite what God’s Holy Word says. Pressure, way, way too much pressure. So much sadism in the world these days. Seriously astounded as to how readily people will gloat over causing another’s distress, etc. Taking pride in one’s sadistic actions. Surrounded by enemies who are most intent on seeing me suffer.
Healinginhim, November 15, 2016 — Anonymous, praying for you. I hear you … Yes, corruption abounds and I’m still maneuvering my way through the maze. Thankful for the remnant the Lord has provided via the internet; those who truly understand and pray for ‘us’.
((HUGS)) to all …❤
Anonymous, November 16, 2016 — Healing in Him, thanks for the prayers. hope you’re maze maneuverings are going well.🙂
If not for the Internet, this forum, an Australian published author’s godly doing (in running this all), her prayers, your prayers, others’ prayers, I don’t know that I would have made it this far…… not that I have anything going for me otherwise, but thank the good LORD for the internet and this website!!
May God bless us victims who have suffered much and continue to suffer because of abuse, violence, corruption, oppression, injustice, and so forth.
Seeing The Light, November 19, 2016 — I just saw this today, Anonymous. I can hear the weight on you as you communicate the pressure. I will certainly pray for you.
Anon, November 22, 2016 — Prayer request for me, my sanity, and so forth. Life is no longer real. I didn’t ever imagine things could be so bad. Nobody is hated more than a victim. Especially if she cannot just bounce back and all. Mutilated. Deformed. Damaged.
And the abuser is believed. Moreover, he doesnt do his dirty deeds alone but runs in a pack. But me? I am truly alone and I didnt grow up being trained into a life of criminality. I am cracking. Such was the goal all along. May God give me strength, courage, and a change of events. I dont know that I can whether being stalked, ridiculed, tormented, abused, victimized, and so forth for too much longer.
Healinginhim, November 22, 2016 — Praying for you Anon. Don’t give up. Please be reassured of those who care as you have reached out for support.
Barbara Roberts, November 22, 2016 — Dear anon, I am praying for you. And even if you do crack…
The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Anon, November 22, 2016 — Thanks. “And even if you do crack…” 🙂 God cares. He is my dwelling place.
The wicked taunted, ridiculed, and mocked Jesus as He was being beaten and crucified. Literally, as he is hanging, being crucified, didnt one of the two criminals make some mocking remark or so? Not to say I am Jesus or that I am even worthy of washing His feet, but perhaps it is ‘them’, not me, and if they didnt mock me about one thing it would be another thing….
But it is the equivalent of people lining up to trip you or kick you so you fall, as you trek up the mountain with the cross, being whipped and beaten along the way. Digging trap holes and covering them with palms, so you break your ankle as well as you misstep and fall into the little trap hole….. Celebrating when you do fall because of their deliberately created, carefully baited and disguised, trap hole…….
People are vicious, absolutely vicious. Thanks be to God for you, your prayers, Healing in Him, this website, and internet access!
Someone even cruelly mocked me for that, too, my saying, “Praise God ….[this or that happened] …!” So, this Christian woman who works in a position of power in regards to her contact and interactions with disenfranchised, marginalized, highly vulnerable, poor, homeless people….. threw such in my face, quoting me again and again ….”Praise God ……! Praise God………!” and just unabashedly waited and watched for my reaction of embarrassment or whatever and then gloated when I became all the more shy and self-conscious, etc.
I dont know how to make it stop. I try to not exist. Say nothing, be nobody, ask for nothing, avoid everyone, as my forced interactions with others almost always involve my being mocked, ridiculed, set up to fail, ambushed, blindsided, gaslighting galore, etc. All these supposedly otherwise good people going into unabashedly predator mode when it comes to me, gloating as to how badly they are mistreating and verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusing me….
I pray that it someday stops real soon as I cannot do this anymore. I think there is a limit as to how many times a person can be abused before they are done. Just done, done, done.
Whoa! TMI. way long posting, edit away or choose not to post it….. But, anyhow, thank you both for your prayers! God Bless!
Barbara Roberts, November 22, 2016 — ((((hugs))))
Concerned Mother, November 22, 2016 — I give thanks to God for saving my life many times over. For all of you, this site, your prayers, and for His goodness, mercy and grace. I pray for all who still need a miracle. I pray you feel His love at this time.
Under The Waterfall, November 23, 2016 — This request seems trivial by comparison to the situations with unjust judges and children forced to be handed over to abusive parents so I hate to ask. Yet I have a situation that needs remedying just the same. Please pray for God to provide buyers for our `item for sale. If it doesn’t sell we are in a financial jam of immense proportions and time is running out fast.
I have also been asking God to clearly speak about our marriage situation which has not been good. This sale would be the one time that funds would be available for us to go in diff. directions with neither of us being poverty stricken and part company in a hopefully non hateful manner and merciful to each other manner. I am not sure that this is the right thing to do or if it is truly necessary at this point but I am still asking, as I have some serious questions about the health of this relationship, my husband`s having led me to believe he was serious about following Jesus, and the verbal and emotional abuse I’ve endured being married to him. Even considering my problems and contributions to this mess, he chooses to handle things in the most unreasonable, childish and abusive fashion when he could just as easily use calm adult words and reason directly with me, which he refuses to do.
I may have seriously sinned, behaved badly and done something really stupid to have gotten into this relationship and yet I really need God’s guidance on what to do as I do not wish to have another broken marriage if it is not truly the right course of action. I do not wish to hurt him either; I do have some feelings for him although his behaviour over time has certainly caused those feelings to cool off considerably. At this point it is hard for me to tell the diff. between trauma triggers and mental and feeling perspectives from the past, and actual present reality, so I do not want to rush into yet another life-altering decision and am being careful, waiting on God. […] If anyone is willing to pray for me I would appreciate it.
Barbara Roberts, November 24, 2016 — Praying for that sale!
Anon, November 25, 2016 — I said a prayer for you.
Under The Waterfall, November 24, 2016 — Thank you much appreciated.
Anon, November 26, 2016 — A prayer request for my soul and my life situation. I am at everyone’s mercy and being hated and despised by so many. I wish I was dead already. Nobody has any concern for my existence but rather blame me for all the various abusers’ inflicted destruction on me. I am at a loss as to how to continue. Life on the street, especially when targeted and alone, is bad. Dangerous, And yet those who would otherwise be expected to care, do not. And they would rather see me on the streets, blame me for being there, and dust off their hands and say ‘good riddance!’ with all the disdain and contempt they can muster. I don’t know. I was always so glad and thankful I could help someone. Grateful for the opportunity to support another and be there for them.
Maybe God is keeping me alive in this miserable, abused, destitute, hated and despised state because I shall soon enough be going to burn in hell. I want to say there is a verse or two in the Bible where it says something to the effect of how He is allowing the wicked some time to spend in this world, with various creature comforts, ill-gotten successes, etc. because they shall soon go down to the pit.
Since my life has been but a series of losses, abuse, victimization, etc. maybe I should actually be grateful as I am destined to burn…….for all eternity.
I don’t know. I just know that the number of people who have rallied for my victimizers, abuser, and various predators has been mind-blowing. And with so many people being ever so smug about mistreating and victimizing me, are they right? Am I but trash? When overwhelming numbers are stacked against you and it being so relentless, so bold, so arrogant and smugly done……it is hard to not feel as though I must deserve it and I must be the bad person in it all.
Just please pray that my soul and my life belongs to God and that I will forever remain His and that my life circumstances change for the better here very soon as I dont know how much more I can take. Thank-you.
Barbara Roberts, November 27, 2016 — I’m glad you got to that realisation / remembrance, Anon.
Yes, satan is the great accuser — he is continually trying to make us think we are trash-worthy. And his (witting or unwitting) assistants — people in flesh and blood — are doing that as well — they do not know the true God who created the devil … the One who will ultimately cast the satan into the lake of fire.
A major part of our walk and battle as Christians involves repeatedly rejecting and repelling satan’s definition of us. The evil one want to convince us that we are worthless, that we are destined for the fires of hell. But if we have come to saving faith in Christ, we are not going to hell; instead, we are going to enjoy the New Heavens and New Earth which our Lord has promised is coming for all who believe.
Anotheranon, November 27, 2016— Praying for you Anon. John 10:27-29 NASB (Jesus said) “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.
Anon, November 27, 2016 — Thank you so very much! What a wonderful Bible verse. Indeed, no one shall snatch them out of His hand, as God cannot lie and His Holy Word can be trusted. It still feels like I am on the brink of the abyss. But perhaps it is that I am being tested like Job.
So many accuse me and so smugly hate, despise, and revile me. I start to wonder and worry if they are right.
But, there is a Bible verse that says something to the effect of ‘nobody can say Jesus Christ is LORD, except by the Holy Spirit.’ (I wish I knew if I was accurate in direct quotation or not,) Baptismal grace. I am His. Please continue to pray for me, my soul, and my life’s circumstances, Anotheranon. Thank you. God Bless You!🙂
Barbara Roberts, Decembe 2, 2016 — Dear Anon. We have not published all the comments you recently submitted to this Prayer Requests page. It’s not really meant as a place to write each and every thought you have.
Since you’ve only ever commented on this page, I think you may not be aware that we have a LOT of other things on this blog as well as the prayer request page.
I encourage you to subscribe to the blog. And to start browsing though all the other things we have here– the posts, the Resources section, the tabs in the top menu. …. I think you will find a lot that may help you.
Rose, December 1, 2016 — Boy am I glad to find this site. I was married for [about four decades] to an otherwise good man who grew up in a home with a mentally ill father – though their mother didn’t tell the children till they were well into their adulthood – and an invalidated, emotionally cold mother. I thought he was a Christian because he’d been an altar boy and had wanted at one time to become an Episcopal priest. He went forward at an altar call at my Methodist church four months before we were married. I had no idea for all those years that he hadn’t given his heart to Jesus. He’d taught Sunday School and youth ministry with me, served on our church board, [and had other leadership positions in the church] …. Then all these decades later, not long after he’d taken me out to a fancy dinner […], he announced, “You had a love affair with Jesus, so I’m justified in having affairs with other women, and if I go to hell for this one, it will be worth it.” Whaat?
Empathetic me was in shell shock, and I got us into counseling, but he’d already “checked out” of our marriage a decade earlier, still telling me he loved me, buying expensive […] lessons, so how in heck was I supposed to know what he wasn’t telling me? Of course now I’m the villain and, as he told our neighbors (who never told me) I’m a “bi–h who’s too religious.” BUT he divorced me, five years later evidently married a Catholic woman in a civil ceremony and has been trying for the past few years, knocking me down about the time I was beginning to stand up for myself again, to “annul” our marriage through the Catholic Church so they can get “God’s blessing” on their marriage. She knows he was both adulterous and abusive.
Praise God I decided to fight this battle with nothing but truth and my wonderful Advocate and the Tribunal has seen through him and is denying his petition and giving him a “never again” letter, but I know somehow he will blame me. And he wanted to become a deacon? I genuinely think he’s as mentally ill as his father was, or else the idolatrous “father worship” he grew up in dancing around his father’s illness simply invalidated him and set him on a destructive path as a Narcissist with RAD.
I’ve prayed for his salvation and deliverance for the past seven years, all apparently to no avail yet. God brought a wonderful God-honoring man into my life, and still sometimes I feel “off balance” because I’m not accustomed to being respected. I genuinely cared for and about my first husband. I need the Holy Spirit’s help to go into “emotional neutral” for my first husband and fully hand him over to God so I can fully receive the gift of this new one, who wants the Lord to show us what ministry He wants us to do together.
Barbara Roberts, December 1, 2016 — Welcome to the blog, Rose🙂 I edited your comment to airbrush some more identifying details. Please re-read your comment and if you want us to edit any more of it, email email@example.com — she will be more than happy to assist.🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
Anon, December 5, 1016 — You had a love affair with Jesus, so ….. ” Who says that kind of thing?! Abusers. Now I have heard it all. Ugh! I said a prayer for you. I’m glad that you have a God-honoring man in your life as I frankly don’t know that many exist. Hasn’t been my experience.
Hurtin&Scared, December 7, 2016 — am reaching my breaking point. I cry so much. I am depressed. I have never been depressed. I feel so broken. Please, Please pray for me. If it wasnt for my son i wouldnt even want to be here anymore. I have never felt that way before and it scares me. I hate my life.
Jeff Crippen, December 7, 2016 — Lord, please send encouragement to this lady today and in a way that it is obvious it is from you so she knows she is not alone.
Anotheranon, December 7, 2016 — I have been in that place too. I have cried so many thousands of tears. It looks like things will never get better. But I can say that God never abandoned me. In fact He made His presence known to me at various times over the past 30 years in a way that I knew for certain He cared about me and would sustain me in my trials.
Look to Jesus every day to give you the strength you need and take away your fear. Satan wants to defeat you, but Jesus has already won the victory!
Praying for you….
Anon, December 8, 2016 — I am sorry, Hurting&Scared. I have said a prayer for you. Thank goodness you do have your son. Presumably, you are his world. But abuse breaks you and leaves you sometimes wanting to no longer exist. At least that has been my experience.
I know God says in His Word that He is close to the brokenhearted. May His love for you be a salve to your wounded spirit. Thinking of you…. 🙂
Healinginhim,December 8 2016 —Praying for you, hurting&scared — You are not alone and many truly care for you. ((hugs))❤
Hurting&Scared, December 19, 2016 — Now it seems someone is hacking into my social media and making it look like I am cheating on my husband. I have my suspicions that it may be my husband! I cant catch a break.
Barbara Roberts, December 19, 2016 — We have a resources page for Social Networking and Cybersafety. You may find some of the links there helpful.
Concerned Mother, December 26, 2016 — A new prayer request emergency: Her small pet got out and got ran over. He told her to go clean it up. She could not, which I can’t blame her, so she asked me to please help. I also got a call from her young friend who said the same. I went and cleaned up the carcass. She was hysterical and I hugged her, and he came out and screamed at us both. I left but unable to call her. Worried as ever. Please pray. He already physically handled her roughly but the police here side with him every time, calling her a bad kid.
Concerned Mother, December 26, 2016 — Sorry for grammar, I am shaking so very much and can’t relax until I know she’s okay.
Barbara Roberts, December 27, 2016 — no worries about the grammar!
It’s hard supporting a victim from the sidelines while she is still at high risk due to the abuser’s behaviors.
I will pray that this episode moves her towards making the hard decisions re what she want to do for long-term safety and wellbeing..