A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

ACFJ Hall of Blind Guides – Resources that Will Not Help (and may harm) Abuse Victims

This page is maintained only by blog administrators, so please do not make comments here. If you have a “nomination” you would like to see added to this list, please email JeffC (swordtrowel@gmail.com) or Barbara (barbara@notunderbondage.com) and we will consider your nomination. Please: Only nominate people or ministries that are reasonably well-known.  We of course cannot list every pastor or ministry that teaches badly on the subject of abuse.

We are not making any personal aspersions or accusations against the character of any person or organization listed here. We are simply announcing that this list represents well known organisations, theologians, pastors, counselors and others who are in our opinion, not safe resources for abuse victims. For example, individuals or organizations that promote the permanency doctrine of marriage, or who advocate suffering in marriage are prime candidates for the Hall. They are blind to the nature and mentality of abuse, thus the name “Blind Guides.”  In some instances, we may list names that would more properly be classified as spiritual abusers. However, for our purposes here, we will not make that distinction. If a name appears on this list, we are recommending steering clear of that person or organization in seeking help for abuse.

We base our decision to make an entry here on the books, articles, sermons, and other written or spoken material made by these individuals or organizations. We also consider the evidence provided by the testimony of people who contact us, relate their experiences to us, and whom we deem to be reliable sources.

If you hear of one of the persons or ministries listed here quoted authoritatively or frequently recommended in your church, you may be in an abusive church or at least in a church that enables abuse and abusers.

~~~~~~~~~~

Christian Denominations

Christian Authors and Ministries

Books

63 Comments

  1. Jodi

    What do you think about Mark Gungor? I’ve heard him a few times and I’ve been less then impressed.

    I thank God for finding your website. It’s been such a help and such a blessing!!

    • I have not heard of Mark Gungor.

    • Sarah

      I love Mark Gungor as he is funny and has lots of wisdom for a normal male and female brain. Again, won’t work in an abusive marriage and wish he would use a disclaimer

  2. raswhiting

    Any thoughts on the book Sacred Marraige?

    • We have discussed it in the past, but I can’t remember whether it was on blog or at between the team at the back of the blog. I’ll look later today. Maybe if another team member finds the info before me, they will respond here.

    • Ellie

      On his blog post God hates domestic violence Gary Thomas has said strong words against abusers, and has said that Sacred Marriage is not intended to be applied in marriages where there is abuse.

      Several people tried to get me to read Sacred Marriage or they quoted it at me.

      I would like to see all authors who write on typical marriage issues define abuse and state explicitly that their books aren’t meant for people who are being abused. I don’t know that Sacred Marriage offers that caveat, but I hope Thomas adds it.

      • MeganC

        In short, Gary Thomas was pretty horrified that his book [ Sacred Marriage ] was used by abusers. I wrote him and told him that many used his premise (“What if marriage was not intended for our happiness but was intended for our sanctification?”) over and over, in my former marriage, to keep me IN. He told me that I was not the first person to tell him that.

        [the remainder of MeganC’s comment was removed by ACFJ Eds in early March 2017, for the protection of our readers]

  3. Aubryn

    Douglas Wilson personally told me that my husbands horrific abuse was God’s will for me. He said that by rejecting the situation and circumstances God had called me to I was rejecting God and that if I left I would be out from under God’s ‘protection’ and walking in sin. To walk away from the abuse was to walk away from God. He is a sick twisted monster. When, a few years later I called those in authority over him, Douglas Wilson cowered and hid. He ‘couldn’t remember’ just what he said.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Aubryn- Wilson, oh yeah. I have no doubt he would tell someone those things. Couldn’t remember? How convenient.

  4. Aubryn

    I think perhaps the reason he couldn’t remember specifically what he told me is that he has abused so many women in exactly the same way. Or perhaps it was because my little daughter Galilee and I didn’t really even occur to him as people, he only heard his own voice. Or maybe it’s just the fact that he is a sniveling coward.

  5. I think it is safe to say that ANY “marriage improvement” books are NOT recommended for those dealing with abuse. I, too, have read numerous books, attended counseling, numerous “marriage weekends” and after all the work, all the hope, all the “working on me”, whenever we returned from one of these weekends, abuse was patiently waiting on the doorstep. Abuse is not a marriage problem, it is a CONTROL problem. I actually found that on Focus on the Family website, on of the first resources I went to for help a year ago. I think they are coming along but again, their focus is on making normal marriages stronger, NOT specifically abuse victims.

    • Lighting a Candles

      I wish FOTF would have a huge disclaimer for abuse…screening tool and say it during their broadcasts. I’m so saddened to realize that I was relying on these “blind guides” for most of my married life.

      I feel more than a little bit betrayed by evangelical Christianity…Any one else?

      • Jeff Crippen

        Lighting – Christ’s true church and people are out there. But in this day they can be hard to find. Yes, I certainly have felt a sense of betrayal and surely any other abuse victims whose church did not stand with them, or who have been given bogus and harmful info from “counseling” ministries have felt it too.

      • I feel more than a little bit betrayed by evangelical Christianity

        Yes, me too.

      • Sarah

        I feel very betrayed as well. So many should know better yet will not discuss abuse and continually hold us in our marriages for years longer than necessary. It is a very twisted way to make a buck

      • Free

        I second that.

      • flowercents

        Yes, I feel betrayed, and even though I know FOTF has some good broadcasts, I find it difficult to even listen to them.

      • Hi flowercents, welcome to the blog 🙂

        We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

  6. I’m currently writing a series on my blog about Jay Adams, NANC, and the biblical counseling movement. My conclusion is that these counselors are DANGEROUSLY UNQUALIFIED to counsel abuse victims. Stay away!

    • AyeNoniMus

      April are you still working on this blog? I would love to see it. The biblical counselor at my church was horrible and my husband keeps using him as an example of how I am at fault because I “run away from anyone willing to tell me the truth.” Of course this “truth” was a debate over what forgiveness looked like. I was quoted Ephesians 4:26 and told if I was not willing to embrace my husband completely before “the sun went down” that I needed to ask myself if I was really a christian. He has since been moved from his position.

      Anytime I brought up alternative biblical situations I was told that you “don’t tell a brain surgeon how to do brain surgery and you shouldn’t tell me how to counsel.” He has since been removed from his position through the testimonies and reports of others. Biblical counselor #2 recommended Jay Adams’ From Forgiven to Forgiveness. It specifically gives an example of letting someone punch you as many times as they want and not to judge their heart as long as they say I am sorry. I had a shield and my (soon to be ex) husband has a sword, but in every situation I was expected to put down my shield before me could even TALK about the sword. In fact, I was told to worry about myself and not worry about the sword because God would protect me and if he didn’t it was because God wanted it to happen. It was crazy!

      • AyeNoniMus

        Also, NANC just updated their certification test. Anyone see anything wrong with the following?

        http://www.biblicalcounseling.com/certification/exams

        Tim and Emily

        Tim and Emily come from a church across town, and have asked to meet you because of some help that you offered their friends several months ago. They are coming because of a persistent problem they have had in their marriage. They explain that in their six years of marriage Tim has always had a “short fuse.” He regularly “loses it” when he comes home from work which fills the evenings with tense communication. Their weeks are filled with arguments about everything from dinner being ready on time, to whether they should have kids. Tim thinks Emily is a good wife, admits the problems are his fault, but says he just doesn’t know how to “maintain control.” About a year ago Tim went berserk screaming at Emily, kicking the kitchen table and throwing plates on the floor in response to Emily’s complaint that he came home late without calling. Emily was always uncomfortable with Tim’s previous pattern of outbursts, but this was different. She was truly scared. Tim was too. In tears she told Tim that something had to change.

        Tim talked to his pastor who told him that he needed to see a professional therapist. Tim followed the advice and made an appointment with the Christian counselor whom his pastor recommended. Tim met with the therapist for a few sessions, who ultimately recommended he see a psychiatrist for medical care. When Tim met with the psychiatrist he was told that he had bi-polar disorder and began to take the medications prescribed by the physician.

        Tim was initially discouraged to learn that he had a disease that would likely last his entire life, but he was thankful to have a plan to deal with problem. Emily was also encouraged that there was now at least something they could do.

        Their encouragement quickly gave way, however, when after several months on the medication Tim had still not really changed. While his temperament seemed milder in general the loss of control, and screaming were still present. It was at this point that Emily began to regret ever marrying Tim. All the arguments together with the couple’s lack of children were taking their toll. She realized she was in a marriage that she did not want to be in, but didn’t think she had any options.

        Then last week Tim “went completely crazy.” Emily suggested on a Saturday morning that Tim should cut the grass because he had not done it the week before. Tim did more than scream and throw things this time. As he yelled and became more “worked up” he threw the phone at Emily. He missed her, knocking a hole in the wall, but they both knew he had crossed a line.

        Emily said she couldn’t take it anymore and wanted out of the marriage. She told him that if something didn’t change very quickly she was going to leave. That is when he reached out to his friend who recommended you.

        Tim and Emily both profess faith in Christ, and relate their testimonies of conversion in their teen years. Both are also terribly discouraged. Tim doesn’t know how to treat Emily better since he is “plagued” by this disease. Emily loves Tim and would like their marriage to work, but she is worn out with the lack of change. She feels badly about wanting to leave because she knows he has an illness, but she is increasingly convinced that God is telling her to divorce Tim.

        16. How will you decide whether to pursue Tim and Emily as believers or unbelievers? What difference will their status as Christians make in your counseling?
        17. Describe, as fully as you are able, your strategy to help Tim and Emily think biblically about his diagnosis and their use of bi-polar and illness language.
        18. Emily is “Convinced that God is telling her to divorce Tim.” Write out your word-for-word response to Emily on this matter. In your response, be sure to address the themes of biblical decision-making and permission for divorce and remarriage.
        19. What strategy would you employ to see repentance, reconciliation, and restoration happen between Tim and Emily?
        20. Describe a detailed plan of restoring marital communication that you would pursue with Tim and Emily.

      • AAARRRRGGGHHH!

      • Hi AneNoniMus, you will see I changed your screen name to disidentify you. Welcome to the blog!
        I strongly encourage you to read our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting here. 🙂

        That counsellor sounds awful, and very proud. I am glad they got rid of him, but the next counselor sounds virtually as bad!

        I’m glad you have found us, and I hope you keep reading here. Blessings to you.

      • That is crazy!

        I have finished the series, but you can go to my site and read it. Visit revolfaith dot com and click the biblical counseling tag in the tag cloud on the right. It will show you all of the posts.

  7. Anon

    I can’t think of one single church I’ve been a “member” of that was safe and I’m 58 yoa and have walked with the LORD since I was about 6 yoa and living in an abusive home! So, catholic, non-denominational/charismatic, non-denominational non-charismatic ( one was a church we were involved in helping to plant!), “baptistic”, independent baptist, and even home churches… NONE.

    (Eds note: screen name changed slightly just as a precaution.)

    • Anon, I agree. When I look back on my experience of different churches — Churches of Christ in Australia; Christian Revival Crusade (pentecostal); non-affiliated pentecostal; Presbyterian Church of Australia; and Lutheran Church of Australia — I can think of unsafe elements in all those churches. I’m not saying every person in the churches I’ve been in was unsafe; but I AM saying that overall the leadership did not have the ability (or will?) to discern wolves in the flock (or false teaching) and expell them. The only church I’ve got thorough confidence in so far is the one Jeff C leads. I do still attend church services in person sometimes, but sometimes I leave after the hymns and before the sermon starts.

      I do listen by live stream on the internet to the whole service at Jeff C’s church most weeks, which somewhat makes up for my non-attendance at bricks and mortar church services.

      And when I attend a live church service, I pay attention to what I’m sensing about the spiritual veracity/quality of the person up the front. I try to tune out (and forgive) what is not spiritual that is coming from the pulpit, and listen to the Holy Spirit for what He may have to tell or show me in the Bible readings and the hymns. And I have no compunction about walking out half way thru the service. I sit somewhere fairly inconspicuous and try to walk out at an inconspicuous time.

      • a prodigal daughter returns

        I’m there too, 99 percent of my church attendance is via streaming sermons and the fellowship is found here or with 1 or 2 friends that talk to me on occasion and we fellowship around Jesus. I have an extremely isolated life as a result, and look at this season as a time of rest and healing. There are some churches that are dangerous for women as a green house where the foundation of misogyny that justifying abuse is carefully underpins all doctrines If I visit a church I check out their website and listen to a sermon or two. Any link to John Piper, Mark Driscoll, Abott Loop Christian center (from Alaska, extremely patriarchal and where I met the most abusive, abuse enablers of my life) The Village Church, Matt Chandler, New reformation churches are particularly full of arrogant men drunk on power

  8. My husband just received Larry Crabb’s The Marriage Builder. I heard him on the radio and cringed. I am looking at the back cover of the book and feeling sick to my stomach. Excerpt from the back:
    He first deals with the principle of oneness. His thesis is that the deepest needs of human personality–security and significance–cannot be satisfied by a marriage partner. It requires “turning to the Lord rather than one’s spouse,” WHICH FREES BOTH PARTNERS [my emphasis] for “soul oneness,”
    a “commitment to minister to the spouse’s needs rather than manipulating to meet one’s own needs.”
    and “Various exercises help one understand how to build or rebuild a marriage, even when one spouse chooses not to cooperate.”

    OH! If you have to “rebuild” is anyone asking how did it get destroyed? Was there a real marriage to begin with or a dictatorship right out of the chute? and if one spouse is “not cooperating” what does that look like? Sound like? This is just heaping false guilt on the spouse who has done EVERYTHING humanly and spiritually possible to enact change. ( I say spouse because my sweet brother has been in an abusive marriage for 18 yrs with a manipulative, angry, crazy-making woman who holds him accountable for her first abusive, no-good husband, even though he, like me, has made so many sacrifices and tried so hard to make the other one happy. He is a strong but soft-spoken farmer with a soft heart and says he has “lost his song” and my own heart broke for him.)

    p. 207, Soul Oneness: Communication, or “What Do I Do When I’m Angry?” #6 says “Describe a recent circumstance in which you felt angry with your spouse. What did you do with those feelings?” So first of all, this guy is assuming that the abuser is actually reading this (which my spouse is now that I am living in another room for 5 months) but I know the majority of abusers won’t touch this stuff unless they are legalist pharisees who use the Bible as a manipulation tool and will simply find what they can use in its pages of “wisdom.” And if they do read it, does Crabb honestly think there is going to be introspection on the abusers part?! So that leaves the target (who is STILL trying to find the secret to stopping the abuse and having a decent marriage), who answers the question with “I stuff my anger” which the author says is “wrong” bc he doesn’t understand that when she expresses her anger in acceptable ways or sometimes in ANY way at all, she will face retaliation, again left feeling like she (or he) is not doing ENOUGH.

    And p.106 are the 5 steps to consider before you express negative feelings. Listen up abusers! Here are the 5 steps you need to follow! On p. 107 is this gem “We confuse goals and desires. What we desire from our spouses becomes our goal. We insist that our partners TREAT US A CERTAIN WAY, and when they don’t we express our negative emotions to them either for revenge or to change them, neither of which is ministering to your spouse.” It makes me absolutely sick. Does he not understand that we are not talking about a “rude moment” or a “bad day?!” That the way we are treated is an EVERYDAY mindset of the abuser mentality? While there are some valuable relationship suggestions, they all hinge on BOTH spouses looking to improve the way each one responds while communicating. Crabb’s total cluelessness about abuse and what some spouses are dealing with clearly shows through.

    • thepersistentwidow

      Debby, You are right to view Larry Crabb with suspicion. I had just begun to research his work, but I sensed new age terminology and ideas in his writings at the get-go. What about that “soul oneness” that you referenced? That’s just strange.

      Larry Crabb wrote the glowing introduction to new-ager David Benner’s book, Sacred Companions. Sacred Companions was also endorsed by Fr. Richard Rohr of the Center for Action and Contemplation, who in his book, Everything Belongs, blatantly denies historic Christianity for the “cosmic Christ”. Why would Larry Crabb be entangled with such people if he weren’t likeminded? My recommendation is to avoid Larry Crabb altogether.

      We have excellent resources that we can recommend to you. Check out our Resources tab for great links and authors like Dr. George Simon. Don’t waste your time with pragmatic books that lead you away from the truth and freedom that we have in Christ. I suggest that you copy these good observations that you made here and post them as an Amazon book review to warn abuse victims. Thanks for sharing this.

    • Right at point one he has stepped clear out of Biblical Christianity and into the New Age Human Potential movement. The deepest needs of human personality are not security and significance, but recognition of our peril under the wrath of God for our sin, repentance, and rebirth and forgiveness through Christ Jesus so that we may be given the power to become children of God.

      The need for ‘significance’ is a need felt by unregenerate people whose sinful state lurks at the back of their consicence but not enough to really trouble them, and who have food in their bellies and a roof over their heads.

      Crabb is not a teacher worth reading.

  9. Mary

    Please add martha peace “The Excellent Wife” during my worst days her words did great harm.

    • Yes, Martha Peace’s book The Excellent Wife is indeed harmful and dangerous.

    • Happy Gramma

      What do you think about the Feldhahn’s “for women only” and “for men only” books? I went with h to see our pastor and I tried to explain why I thought h was abusive. He told h to read the men’s version of feldhahn’s book with an accountability partner and suggested I do the same thing with the woman’s version. He wanted us to return in a month and report which h never arranged to do. I went back by myself and told pastor I had read books on Vietnam vets, PTSD, tough love, setting boundaries, the power of a praying wife, fool proofing your life, narcissistic men, emotionally abusive marriage etc and was not willing to read any more books. He gave further recommendations that the more I think about were very offensive to me. Thank you!

      • Hi Happy Grandma, I haven’t heard of those books, but maybe someone else here has. I’ll also post your question on our FB page so check the replies there too.

    • kind of anonymous

      Hi Barb,
      Thought you might find it interesting that I once spoke to Martha Peace by phone; I had read her book.

      In one way, because there is so much scripture in her book, it was like putting a head cleaning tape on and the scriptural insights began to pierce some of the fog in my life related to actual sinful ways of thinking and doing.

      However my question to her was about how those of us who have lacked nurturing and suffered abuse growing up, would be able to tell the difference between what is adult as far as responsibilities and expectations go and what is leftover childhood stuff as it relates to what one brings to marriage. As in, is what I am wanting/expecting or perceiving the needs/demands of a hurt and unloved child, what responsibilities are actually mine and how do I sort that out? She sounded confused by the question and her answer was along the lines of “Well of course you just do what you should do”.

      She was a very kind and sincere person with a genuine concern for godliness but she clearly had no concept of why that would even be confusing for someone else from that sort of background.

      • thanks for sharing this, KOA 🙂

      • We do NOT endorse any of Martha Peace’s work. For readers who may not know, Martha Peace authored the following books:

        The Excellent Wife
        The Study Guide to The Excellent Wife
        Becoming a Titus 2 Woman
        Tying the Knot Tighter (co-authored with John Crotts)
        Raising Kids Without Raising Cain
        Damsels In Distress
        The Faithful Parent (co-authored with Stuart Scott)

        Many of our readers testify that the ‘Becoming a Titus 2 Woman’ teaching intensified the fog generated by their abusive husbands and their Patriarchal churches.

  10. I have read both the “For men/women only” books. Again, there is some good stuff and some things that targets in abusive relationships will try to implement to no avail. They are mostly “how men think/ what they want and how women think/what they want” kind of stuff. I found the part about why your wife might not want to have sex with you after you have had a fight” helpful because it put into words what I have felt for YEARS after being “Bible versed into coercion” in the bedroom many times. It is like any other Christian marriage book: YOU will get a glimse into the mind of “normal, healthy males”, however, hoping your abusive spouse “gets it” is a stretch and could possibly lead to more of the same (you feeling guilty for not measuring up to the absurd (and legalistically perceived) standards of “a good Christian wife” and he finding little nuggets to use against you and justify his behavior.

    • What a good way to word it: “being “Bible versed into coercion” in the bedroom many times”! I’ll have to try and remember that phrase.

  11. I also wanted to add to my other comment about the books: Whenever these type of books mention “trouble” “problems” “fights” etc. they almost universally engage in sin-leveling (both partners are equally culpable/problematice/at fault, etc. I am knowledgable about this kind of verbage/mentality (thanks to ACFJ!!) so I am able to glean some stuff without getting sick to my stomach any more. Most of these type of books are on a “sliding scale” as far as their effectiveness. Some of the scale depends on how patriarchal and legalistic (and misinformed) about men’s and women’s roles in a marriage. Some of the scale depends on how deaf and blind the abuser is and how damaged the target is when they read them. I highly suggest devouring Lundy Bancroft, Barbara R’s, Jeff C.s and hurtbylove.com books/info BEFORE reading any more marriage books. For me, it helped swing the pendulum of misinformation and brainwashing I had received through the church for decades. Now I feel like my brain has been TRULY “washed” with the TRUTH and it helps me not get so angry and rip those books to shreds…

  12. Emerson Eggerichs’ Love and Respect definitely NOT for anyone in an abusive relationship! Awful!

    • Jeff Crippen

      Go Debby! You got that right:)

      • Joy

        That book has haunted me since the day my pastor gave it to me several years ago. I had told him several things my husband had been doing that concerned and grieved me. My husband and I then met together with him and he said it sounded like I was bull-headed and gave me “Love and Respect” to read. I tried to love my husband more (although at one point I did throw the book across the room!). It took about eight more years, several counsellors and a call to women’s refuge before I began to believe I was being abused. I have now separated from my husband. I still have fears that I was not enough and did not love enough and am the cause of what has happened. So much damage to so many women by subjecting them to the same power and control that they desperately need to break free from. It breaks my heart. It makes me angry.

      • Welcome to the blog dear sister. 🙂 Your testimony is like so many others! You are not alone here.

        We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

        I changed your screen name to Sybyl as a precaution. We have so many “Anons” here already, so I just picked a name at random. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: twbtc.acfj@gmail.com — she will be more than happy to assist. 🙂

    • Sarah

      I wrote him a letter saying as much in as humble a way as possible. No response

  13. Angie

    The last book given to me by a counselor at my church, at the time, was The Excellent Wife. (He did hear me when I told him I read it 10 years ago and tried everything in it.) That was when I knew he did not get it…….so hurtful. Since then, he said he could no longer help me because he did not believe I had grounds for divorce. He then texted me the verse II Corinthians 11:3 “But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” Beyond hurtful, but thankful I am learning to listen to God’s voice and not the voices of pastors, counselors, authors, people who are ignorant of abuse. Over and over again, a males “christian” charm trumps a woman’s voice in my story. My voice wants to scream truth to the churches I’ve been involved in. When I am financially able, I hope to purchase several copies of Cry for Justice and give them as a gift to several pastors in my area. That is a book to be recommended! Thank you!!

  14. Allison

    What do you think about Neil Anderson’s Bondage Breaker ?

    • I have not read that book myself, Allison. Whenever I looked at it in Christian bookshops, I always felt not to buy it. Maybe that was the Holy Spirit prompting me.

    • Hi Allison,
      I put your question to our readers on our FB page. Here is the thread.

  15. imsetfree

    Was thinking of David J Stewart on a certain website. Some really upsetting links on there. One of them does admit physical abuse is wrong but mocks the idea of emotional or verbal abuse, suggesting a partner should stay and implying a wife needs to be berated if her house isn’t clean etc

  16. Herjourney

    The TRUTH shall indeed set the captive FREE.

    If God is for you who can be against you?

    Greater is He that is in you
    Than he that is in the world.

  17. Free

    Please add peacefulwife.com to this. The author has a new book out also. I believe it’s featured on the sight. TERRIBLE advice on there for those who are abused. She says not to apply her stuff to abusive relationships but there are many women on there who do not know what else to do. I was one of them. A long while ago I asked her to post cryingoutforjustice.com as a resource for those survivors. Didn’t hear back and I don’t know if she has posted that yet. Thank you

    • anonymous

      I also used peacefulwife.com to try to “fix” my abusive marriage. Little did I even know at the time, what I was experiencing was abuse by a narcissist. The blog and articles did MUCH damage to me and kept me “in the dark” about what was truly going on.

      • I remember listening to an Emerson Eggrichs “Love and Respect” intro cd. I had left the abuse for a few days. My h came to my friends house. I was in my car and he came and opened the door and leaned down and gave the “Oh, sweetie, Im so sorry. Come back. It will all be better” speech. After listening to the cd, I did not think I HAD any options. I remember he got in his truck, I followed in my car. I saw his silhouetted head in the truck and I was HOLLOW. I followed like a zombie, an obedient zombie, without hope. That’s what those books do to you. Its like you have to go completely AGAINST what everyone is saying and writing and trying to sway you to do (because they have no clue) and not care if they agree with you, and that is very hard for a HEALTHY person to do, let alone for a broken abuse target. 30 years. I’m done. I know God loves ME, as a person, not just as a wife or a mother or a teacher or a daughter or for any other reason than that I am ME.

  18. Ro

    Can you please help me and my son

    • Dear Ro
      unfortunately, the only help we can really offer is what we write on this blog and our gift books offer.
      But welcome to the blog. 🙂 I edited your screen name as a precaution. If you want us to change it to something else, just email The woman behind the curtain: twbtc.acfj@gmail.com — she will be more than happy to assist. 🙂

      We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

    • Becoming Brave

      Praying for you, Ro. God knows your needs. I understand your simple plea, though.

  19. Eliza

    I was in an abusive marriage for more than a decade. I didn’t know it was abusive until several years after I was out of it.

    Now I am married again to a much better man, but I have this creeping suspicion he is also abusive, however against the horror back-drop of my first marriage things truly — by comparison – aren’t all that bad in the second marriage.

    My question is, how do I work out if my current husband’s behaviour is abusive? I only have my last marriage to compare it to, which is not a good measuring stick. I know from God’s word his ongoing behaviour is sinful and it is very hurtful, but that doesn’t automatically mean abuse right? He says he is a Christian; however he refuses to acknowledge the sin as sin or to address it in any way. I’m not totally dying like I was in the first marriage, only moderately miserable…. what is normal?

    • how do I work out if my current husband’s behaviour is abusive?

      Dear Eliza, what a good question you have asked!

      Click here to get to our page on How Can I Identify An Abuser? On that page you will find several links to posts that best address your question.

      Just because your current husband is not behaving quite as horrifically as your former husband, does not mean your current husband is not an abuser. Abusers come in quite a few guises. I’ve been married to two. My first husband presented as pretty different from my second, which was a major reason I didn’t identify him as an abuser for some time. But in the end I realised that my second husband was an abuser too.

      My second husband seemed to be dead-set against men abusing women…. After one good year of marriage, he started to show the selfish entitlement mentality that characterises all abusers. Initially, I thought he was behaving that way because of his legitimately diagnosed health problems. But in the end he behaved in a way that revealed him to be an abuser who wanted to keep me ‘under’ so he could keep exercising his supposed freedom to slake his sinful desires at will …. So I ended the marriage.

      We welcome you to the blog! 🙂 and we hope you keep commenting here. If you want to ‘follow’ the blog — i.e. get email notifications of any new posts — instructions are on this page.

      And we always encourage new readers to look at our New Users Info page, as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      We will support you no matter what you chose to do. 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. New Page: The ACFJ Hall of Infamy | A Cry For Justice
  2. Where does Focus on the Family stand on abuse and divorce? | A Cry For Justice
  3. Update on our ‘Hall of Blind Guides’ page | A Cry For Justice

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: