A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Deciding to stay or leave

Checklist for Repentance

by Barbara Roberts, adapted from Lundy Bancroft. Helps you discern genuine repentance from phoney repentance.

Contrition, Behavior and Therapy     Contrition Revisited   

by Dr George Simon Jr

Honouring Women’s Resistance: How Women Resist Abuse in Intimate Relationships

An excellent 34 page PDF resource from Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter. And their booklet Choosing to Change: A Handbook for Men concerned about their abusive behavior toward those they love – may be helpful for abusers who want to change.

So it’s Abuse – What now?

Gives excellent suggestions for those who are living with an abusive spouse and thinking about whether and how to leave. The site is written by a non-Christian, so replace the notion of ‘karma’ (only mentioned once on the site) with the biblical concept of reaping what you sow. The author is an Australian, so not all info may apply to those from other countries.

Testimonies

This is a compilation of testimonies by ACFJ readers of how God showed them that it was His will for them to leave their abusive marriages.

Why Didn’t You Leave?

by Barbara Roberts.  Explains the many reasons why women stay. After reading this article, bystanders will be less likely to slight a victim for not leaving an abusive relationship.

5 Comments

  1. sunshine

    I’m so glad I discovered this website. I know all too well now that I need to do something about the marriage I’m in, but I’m not sure where to start. Right now I’m more concerned about how he’ll react to my wanting to leave, than my own safety. I look forward to learning from other’s experiences on this site.

    • Welcome sunshine! We always point new reader to our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.

      And you might also want to check out our list of resources for Safety Planning.

  2. Sam

    How do I get my husband counseling without him facing any legal trouble? I don’t want a report filed or him to lose his job until he tries counseling to see if it will help. If not, then that’ll be the next step.

    • Hi Sam, There is no way you can get your husband to go to counseling. He must decide to go to counseling himself. But he almost certainly wont. And if he does, it will probably only be a manipulative act on his part. Abusers are skilled at manipulating counselors, and many counselors are not able to discern that they have been manipulated by an abuser. Counseling training does not typically include training in how to identify domestic abusers and how to recognise and resist their ploys.

      Also, the general consensus among DV experts is that with men who abuse their partners, group treatment programs are more useful than one-on-one counseling. And it is most unlikely that your abuser will voluntarily attend such a program. Some men attend such programs only because they have been court mandated. Some men attend because they have been ‘partner mandated’ (e.g. the wife says I’m leaving you unless you do a DAIP group).

      Terminology: DAIP stands for Domestic Abuse Intervention Program. They are sometimes called MBC — Mens Behaviour Change programs. And in the US they have sometimes been called BIPs — Batterers Intervention Programs.

      Whether the abuser attends such a program by court mandate or by partner mandate, the chances of him changing are slim. And many men change for a while, or to some degree, but then backslide. They simply don’t like giving up their entitlement.

      Here is our tag for Mens Behavior Change Groups

      I suggest that instead of thinking so much about how you can get him to change (which in a sense is you taking responsibility for something which in fact is HIS responsibility), you focus more on what you might want to do for your own longterm wellbeing and safety.

    • Also Sam, do NOT even consider Couple Counseling. It is dangerous in cases of abuse. I strongly urge you to read this post:

      Why Couple Counseling is not recommended for domestic abuse

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