A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Look Out for People Who Demand Personal Attention – A Common Sign of an Abuser

Then the disciples came and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?” He answered, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be rooted up. Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” (Matthew 15:12-14)

Over the years in my experience as a pastor, I have had a very similar scenario played out numbers of times.  I think I have written about it before someplace, but it happens frequently enough that it bears re-telling. Some new person comes along. Maybe a visitor to your church. Perhaps they phone or write you. They are all smiles. Smooth talkers. Slick in appearance. Full of flattery — “Oh pastor, that was the finest sermon I ever heard.” That kind of thing. I have had this happen so often that these kinds of flatteries don’t even move me anymore.

And then they want something. In most of the cases I have dealt with, what they wanted was special attention of some sort from me. “I need to meet with you. When can we meet?”  Or, “I need to be discipled. Can we meet each week regularly for discipleship?” (Keep in mind, I’m talking about a person who has very recently just come on the scene). Usually they don’t give many details about what they want to talk about.

And I always respond to them with “No, I cannot meet with you. I have many other responsibilities. If you need more help, you can go to our blog and our books. If you live in the area you can avail yourself of all the ministries we have in our church like all the other members do.” [NOTE: That being said, if any of our readers visit our area and want to visit our church or give me a call just to see each other face to face, please do so!]

These people differ from the many genuine abuse victims and truth-seekers who contact us. The real article is humble. They are not demanding. They apologize for writing too long of an email. And if you have to tell them, “I am very sorry, but I just cannot go through all the material you sent for our review,” they totally understand.

But the character I am speaking of in this post is very, very different. Here are some of the responses I have had fired at me by them when the smile went off their face after I denied their request for special attention:

  • “Well, I can see that you as a big shot pastor [Ha! We have maybe 40 people in our church!]…I can see that you don’t have time to give to some lowly person like me.”
  • “How dare you refuse to give me your time! I came to you in good faith. You are obligated as a minister to help people like me!”
  • “I know that you don’t have time for people of my race” (this one has been played on me twice. Once by a young black man and again by a Mexican fellow. Both turned out to have long histories of causing destruction in churches. Sadly, one of them hooked a young woman and married her).
  • This one from a church member very shortly after I met him when I was a new pastor in a church — “Pastor, you know, the last pastor came over to my farm every Monday morning and we would talk about the church and how things should be done.”

Now, I don’t know if this kind of tactic is typically used by abusers in marriages, but I highly suspect that it is and that our readers can tell us some very similar stories. What such people are up to is that they are working to deceive and gain allies. In my case, they want to gain the pastor of the church as their ally. They believe that the world revolves around them and they insist that their demands be met. When they hear us say “no,” they blow. They accuse. They threaten. They judge and demean. And what they are looking for is for us to cave into them and apologize and give them what they want. Power and control you see.

It has been over 20 years now since I became wise to these kind of people. Every single one of them hate me to this day.

All because of one little word, “no.”


Futher reading:

A Review of “BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People” by Bill Eddy


Untwisting Scriptures – An Excellent New Book by Rebecca Davis

Our friend and ally Rebecca Davis has just published a new book, Untwisting Scriptures that were used to tie you up, gag you, and tangle your mind. [affiliate link*]  We asked her to put together a description of it for us to post here at ACFJ. So here is her book. I (JeffC) have read it and I can assure you that it is extremely helpful in combating the lies and misuses of Scripture which so often hold us in bondage to abuse. By the way, it is being released TODAY and it is the second book now that we have published under our Justice Keepers publishing house. We hope to have more new titles released by Justice Keepers in the future.


Behind the scenes at “Untwisting Scriptures”Print

Hello friends! I wish I could sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea with each of you individually while we talk over some of the Scriptures that have been twisted to keep you or someone you care about in a place of manipulation and control, and think together about the genuine hope we have in Jesus Christ.

I would remind you first that one of the tremendous advantages we have as New Covenant believers is that we get to see clearly what the true God looks like—He looks like Jesus. This is from my “final words” in Untwisting Scriptures that were used to tie you up, gag you, and tangle your mind:

One thing I always seek to remember in reading and interpreting the Scriptures is that Almighty God is perfectly represented in Jesus Christ. Hebrews 1:3 tells us He is “the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature.” That “exact imprint of his nature” can be roughly translated “the engraving on his under-establishment.”

I think of it as Jesus being the features on the face of God.

I worked on Untwisting Scriptures* passionately. As can sometimes happen, when you get very close to a project, especially a project like this one, what seems to be clear to you might not be clear to others, so it was vitally important for me to get input from my pre-readers, all of whom were either abuse survivors or people who had been closely involved in helping abuse survivors. They gave me tremendously helpful feedback, some of which looked more or less like, “Back to the old drawing board with you! This isn’t untwisted enough yet!” So I hustled back to work on more untwisting.

Another recommendation several of them made was regarding all those wrong teachings all through the book (there are a lot of them, from teachers such as Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Bill Gothard, and Adrian Rogers) — that the wrong teachings needed to be somehow visually more distinguished from my own teaching. So now all those quotations aren’t just indented, they’re also in gray boxes. Besides making them easy to distinguish, that also makes them easy to skip. That way, if you find the wrong teachings arouse unpleasant emotions and physical reactions, you don’t have to be completely derailed in your reading.

I know that ACFJ does a stellar job addressing false teachings, but if you have other questionable teachings you’d like to ask me about, you’re welcome to email me at rebecca@heresthejoy.com. I’ll be writing more Untwisting blog posts too, at my website, www.heresthejoy.com.

I hope you find some aspect of this short book helpful. If you’re an abuse victim or survivor, or someone who cares about an abuse victim or survivor — even if I haven’t met you — please know that I wrote this book with you in mind. Along with the ACFJ team, I’m eager for more people to walk in the victory and true freedom that has been offered to us through Jesus Christ, the perfect representation of God.


*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.

Holy War — Dr Liam Goligher’s 9th sermon on the book of Esther

Holy War
Esther 9:1-32



The book of Esther illustrates the providence of God — how He works through people and situations to effect His plans and purposes for the good of His people.

The great reversal

In this chapter there is a great reversal: the powerless are given power.

Chapter 3 had recounted how Haman and his allies had thrown lots every day for a year to pick the best day for the annihilation of the Jews. As superstitious pagans, they’d put immense effort into divining the ‘lucky day’ for their plan of ethnic cleansing to be put into effect, and by this means they’d selected the thirteenth day of the twelfth month.

(Esther 3:7-9, 13) In the first month, which is the month of Nisan, in the twelfth year of King Ahasuerus, they cast Pur (that is, they cast lots) before Haman day after day; and they cast it month after month till the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar.

Then Haman said to King Ahasuerus, “There is a certain people scattered abroad and dispersed among the peoples in all the provinces of your kingdom. Their laws are different from those of every other people, and they do not keep the king’s laws, so that it is not to the king’s profit to tolerate them. If it please the king, let it be decreed that they be destroyed, and I will pay 10,000 talents of silver into the hands of those who have charge of the king’s business, that they may put it into the king’s treasuries.”  … 

Letters were sent by couriers to all the king’s provinces with instruction to destroy, to kill, and to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one day, the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, and to plunder their goods. 

And now, in chapter nine, we see how God effected the great reversal on that very day which the pagans had picked as their lucky day:

(Esther 9:1) Now in the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, on the thirteenth day of the same, when the king’s command and edict were about to be carried out, on the very day when the enemies of the Jews hoped to gain the mastery over them, the reverse occurred: the Jews gained mastery over those who hated them. 

The Jews gathered together in their cities. They understood that strength in numbers was important. They knew they needed to stand together. And as Christians we need to stand together in spiritual warfare.

(Philippians 1:27-28) Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. 

As Christians, we fight spiritual battles. But as a racial and political entity, the Jews had racial and political enemies who had planned a holocaust to exterminate them. We Christians don’t fight physical battles; but the Jews were at this point fighting a physical battle against their enemies.

On the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, rather than wait for their enemies to ‘bring it on’, the Jews take the initiative. They turn the tables on Haman’s cut-throat mob. They kill 500 men in Susa the capital city and 75,000 men across the rest of the Empire from Ethiopia to India.

When Ahaseurus the psychopath hears that 500 men including the ten sons of Haman have been killed in Susa, he is not distressed by the carnage. The report of the city’s death toll doesn’t restrain Ahausuerus, rather, it excites him! It make him keen to know how much carnage was happening in the rest of the Empire!

And he invites Esther to make one more request. At this point (for some commentators) Esther has her darkest hour. She asks for one more day to clear up in the royal city. They’ve cleared up the citadel; now they need to clear the streets. And she asks that the dead sons of Haman be hung up on gallows. You will recall that Haman had already been hung on the gallows he had prepared for Mordecai. Now Haman’s sons have been killed, and Esther is asking King Ahasuerus to have their dead bodies hung up on gallows. This would mean putting them indubitably under the curse of God — cursed is him who is hanged on a tree.

Esther is not being sinful here; the commentators who call it Esther’s darkest hour are wrong. There is history behind this, just like there is always a backstory in the victim’s account of domestic abuse.

The backstory

Haman was descended from Agag the Amalekite (Esther 9:24). The Amalekites and Israel had a long history from the time when Israel was making its way through the desert. The Amalekites had attacked the Israelites when they were faint and weary. And because of the merciless and cruel conduct of the Amalekites, Moses had commanded the Israelites to blot out the Amalekites:

(Deut 25:17-19)   “Remember what Amalek did to you on the way as you came out of Egypt, how he attacked you on the way when you were faint and weary, and cut off your tail, those who were lagging behind you [the women, the children, the elderly and the infirm], and he did not fear God. Therefore when the LORD your God has given you rest from all your enemies around you, in the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance to possess, you shall blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven; you shall not forget.” 

But Israel had not been obedient to that command of God. God gave that command to signal to his people from that time onwards: “I love My people and I will not ignore those who are their enemies. I care if anyone threatens the survival of my people! I care about My people more than anything else!”

Fast forward to the time of King Saul. (Did you know that Mordecai and Esther were related to King Saul? — cf 1 Sam 9:1-2 and Esther 2:5)  King Saul, the first king of Israel, had had the opportunity to deal the Amalekites a decisive blow. God had instructed Saul:

(1 Sam 15:3) “Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.’”

But instead of chopping off the head of Agag king of Amalek as he ought to have done, Saul let Agag live and he took as plunder the Amalekites’ valuable livestock. Samuel the prophet rebuked King Saul for his disobedience. And God took the kingdom away from Saul.

So God and the Jews definitely had unfinished business with Amalek.

The great restraint

Esther understood the biblical principle of holy war. She knew that you only made war against those who God told you to make war against. God had proscribed certain groups of people, and them and them alone were Israel to fight. So Esther was not making war on the Amalekites out of blood vengeance or spite; she was making war on them because they were God’s enemies.

Furthermore, the original edict signed by King Ahasuerus, Haman the Amalekite and his friends were empowered to destroy, to kill, and to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one day … and to plunder their goods. And the second edict empowered the Jews to annihilate any armed force of any people or province that might attack them, children and women included, and to plunder their goods (Esther 8:11-12).

But chapter 9 tells us three times that when the Jews destroyed the people who would have annihilated them, they did not touch the plunder. They showed great restraint in not taking any of the Amalekites’ goods. In contrast to what the Amalekites would have done to them had the first edict been put into effect, and in contrast to what King Saul had done, they did not touch the plunder of the Amalekites.

A Common Accusation by Abusers to Victims: “You Cannot Keep Friends”

For he grew up before him like a young plant, and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:2-3)

Abusers are the children of their father the devil. So it is not surprising that they share one of his favorite tactics — accusation. And one of the very common charges that abusers level at their victims is something like this: “You never keep friends. Your friendships never last. You always reject them eventually. Or they reject you when they see how weird you really are.” Ever heard that line? I have. Plenty of times.

Of course the goal behind this lie is to make the accused feel worthless. If you believe this wickedness is true then you are going to see yourself as a person no one wants at best and at worst, someone who just uses people for a time and then dumps them. This is the kind of lying fog that helps abusers keep their victim under control. If they are in fact incapable of maintaining a friendship long term, no one is going to come to their aid if they ask, right?

If you are a true follower of Jesus Christ, then the words quoted above from Isaiah 53 are going to be applied to you at some point. You will be despised and rejected by men, acquainted with grief. Others will see you as having no form or majesty, rather, you are a person who repels others and from whom they hide their faces. Sounds a lot like the very stuff the abuser tells us about ourselves.

Also, if you are a genuine, real-deal Christian, then some, if not many, of your relationships ARE going to fall apart. As you grow in Christ, superficial friends, some of whom claim to be Christians, are going to withdraw from you. Or you may well have to withdraw from them. We are, after all, not to be bound together in intimate relationships with unbelievers or with so-called “brothers” who live like the devil (see 1 Cor 5). It happened to Jesus frequently:

After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” (John 6:66-67)

The real question becomes, you see, not why you experience broken relationships, but why is it that the abuser seems to be so popular with others?

One of the worst abusers I have ever known in my years as a pastor frequently launched this accusation at me — “you never keep relationships.” Of course I have many relationships with real believers who I have been close friends with for decades, but over the years I have indeed had to confront hypocrites and they almost always turn on anyone who tells them the truth. Yet this fellow who loved to revile us and make these accusations always managed to remain popular. How? He was like seaweed waving in the tides. He would take whatever position on issues that brought him the most favor and cost him the least. So he was the “go-to” man of the wicked and enjoyed popularity. Then he would level his accusations — “you never keep relationship. You dump people. You are too harsh. You hurt them.” That is how it goes.

It is all lies of course. It is the poison from those fangs that Paul says lie behind the lips of the evil man. Don’t believe any of it.

Thursday Thought — Abuse: Cancer or the common cold

The misdiagnosis is deadly. If a doctor diagnosed cancer as the common cold, he would likely be sued for malpractice. When counselors misdiagnose an abusive marriage as simply requiring a higher level of commitment by the abuse target…they generally seem to refuse to admit error and stand by their original misdiagnosis of “if only you would have…”  (by Joe Pote)

From our Allegories, Analogies, and Fairy Tales page

The original cancer analogy can be found at this post: The relational cancer of abuse is not like the common cold.  Joe’s comment can be found in the comment section of this post – here.

Don’t Let a Hypocrite Make You Think You are a Second Rate Christian

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. (2 Cor 10:12 NIV)

Many domestic abusers parade as eminently “holy” Christians, the pillar of their church, the greatest servant in the flock, the…..well, you know how this charade goes. In their quest for their drug of choice (power and control) they put on a masterful disguise, perhaps as a father who is the finest example of Christian fathering and husbanding in the land. Others in the church even wish that they could be as godly as he, and their children as respectful and obedient as this fellow’s. The women of the church strive to be the kind of saintly wife this man’s wife is, yielding to their man’s every wish. The men of the church see him as an example to emulate. If only their wives would submit more easily.

And others even doubt their own salvation or at minimum see themselves as second or third rate Christians in the Lord’s eyes because they think they fall soooo short of this man’s example. The whole thing is a SHAM! Do not be taken in by it. The spirit of bondage and fear are what reign in such a man’s home, not the Spirit of liberty in Jesus Christ.

Listen to these words by John Flavel, a pastor of long ago. I have changed the wording a bit to update the old English –

Do not say that you have no grace because of the high attainments of some hypocrites who, in some things, may excel you. When some persons read the sixth chapter of the Epistle to the Hebrews, they are startled to see to what a glorious height the hypocrite may soar. But the true Christian in fact excels the most “glorious” hypocrite in the world in at least three ways:

  1. Self is never de-throned in hypocrites, as it is in the true Christian. ALL that the hypocrite does is for himself.
  2. The hypocrite NEVER hated every sin, as does the true Christian, but always retains some Agag, Rimmon, or Delilah for his own.
  3. The hypocrite NEVER acted nor does he ever act out of duty from the leading of his new nature by the Spirit of Christ, taking delight in heavenly things. Rather, he is moved like an old clock by the weight of some external motive or advantage.

[End of Flavel]

In other words, like the Pharisee, the abuser who pretends holiness is white on the outside but is full of rotten, decaying, stinking evil in his heart. This is his true being. For all of his heights of “godliness,” he does not know Christ nor does Christ know him. He may cite detailed passages from Christian writers of old. He may have myriads of Bible verses memorized. He may appear to be able to carefully discuss some theological issue or debate. He may even use lofty words in public prayers so that listeners exclaim how pious this man must be.


It is ALL a sham. Every bit of it. He does not have the love of Christ in him. All that he does, he does for glorification of himself. If ever his supply line of praise and adoration, of control and power over others, is cut off — you can be sure that amid many threatenings and gnashing of teeth, he will move on to feed elsewhere, taking as many gullible ones with him as he can.

The simplest, newest Christian is infinitely more valuable in the Lord’s eyes than the most polished hypocrite. Be sure of it. Do not be deceived. He has never known what you know. He remains dead in his sins.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, (Rom 8:14-16)